Best Laid Plans
by La.Tua.Cantante.83
Summary: Set at the end of Eclipse, Bella makes a plan that could put everything she wants in jeopardy. Will she lose everything because of her foolhardy plan? HEA Edward/Bella, with Jacob angst. Finalist in the Indie Twific Awards!
1. Preface & Chapter 1: Pendulum

**Best Laid Plans by La. Tua. Cantante. 83**

Summary: What if Bella hadn't been so sure about her decision to pick Jacob over Edward? What if she couldn't bear to break Jacob's heart? Would she choose a different path to satisfy the needs she never knew she had? Will her choices ruin everything that she's fought so hard to protect? Set at the end of Eclipse, after Bella tells Jacob of her need for Edward, she makes a plan that could put everything in jeopardy. An Edward & Bella story, with a little Jacob confusion & angst thrown in. I promise Edward/Bella fans, if you stick with me, you'll be happy. RATED M for language and suggestive themes. Just to be safe.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended. Alas, if I did own them, I could make Rob Pattinson do what I will. Oh, the possibilities.

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**.**

**Preface**

There are few things in my life that I question. Most decisions, I've never mourned. I never regretted—will never regret—my decision to leave my mother, my home, my familiarity, to live with my father in the middle of the Olympic peninsula in a place of rain and magic. I can never look back sorely on the day that I walked into the Biology lab and found the very edge of my existence. I will never lament knowing too much. I will never regret the day that I decided to dive off that cliff. Or the things that came after.

As I look back now, on the summer before I turned nineteen, I see all the things that I did wrong. I never should have started out on this strange quest to unite two people who didn't even know the other existed. I never should have pushed away the one person that I needed. I should have known that I couldn't control fate, and that fate was smarter than me. I hurt Jake, and I hurt Edward, and I was hurting myself while it was all going on. Selflessness had a limit, and I was on the very edge of mine.

In my sacrifice to find his other half for him, I almost lost mine. But I won't regret it. It made me appreciate the beauty of how the universe works.

Everything has brought me to this point; every thought, every want, every action. It has brought me to where I am now. It is where I am happy. It is where I am destined to be. I am home.

**.**

**.**

**I. Pendulum**

There was almost no sound. All I could hear were the crickets outside the truck, and the sound of my own breathing. It was raspy and uneven. Edward didn't speak. I had watched his face morph in realization of what I was saying. My gut clenched poignantly, and it stayed that way the whole time we'd been sitting there, both of us too quiet. His silence was driving me mad. I needed some sort of acknowledgement, and at this point I'd take anything that he'd offer. I expected him to yell at me, but he didn't. Because he was Edward. More than anything I wanted him to hold me, to make it all go away. I wanted him to kiss me and quiet the rumblings in the pit of my stomach—not ones from hunger, but from utter aloneness. I wanted to tell him that he was all I wanted, but that I needed to make right the things that I had so badly broken. But I knew that I was no longer allowed to ask him for any of that.

It had been the longest day of my life. Longer than my first day at my new school. Longer than the days that I waited for him to save me from James. It was longer than any of my days when he had left, and I didn't think he loved me anymore. It was longer than the day we stood before the Volturi. Today, I had nearly frozen to death, had faced my most terrifying red-haired nightmare, felt like I had lost everything I'd been fighting for, and learned of my best friend's untimely accident. I'd hated Jacob, and loved him, and broken his heart. I'd gone to him to tell him where I stood and saw him lying there, broken because of me, and I _still_ told him that I wanted Edward, because I did. I'd loved, and lost, and now I was losing all over again, because I'd just asked Edward for the one thing I didn't know if he could bear, but that I knew without question he'd give me: more time.

I didn't think I could hurt any more than I was, sitting there with him after I'd ripped his heart out of his chest, but I was wrong: I reached for him, and he shied away from me as if my fingertips were on fire. Of all the things that I expected, this was the least likely to me. An unnatural sound—hoarse and thick—wretched itself from my throat and left a burn there. I quieted immediately, discomfited at my pain, when he was the one who had a right to be agonizing. My body convulsed with my dry sobbing as the tears streamed down my face silently. He looked like I had struck him, wincing and shrinking down into the seat. He buried his head in his hands, grief-stricken.

"Edward, please," I moaned. It didn't sound like me. He looked up at me and I saw the look of utter despair on his face. I crumpled again. Tears flowed freely, and I felt my heart ripping loudly out of my chest all over again. I couldn't see straight, blinded. I wiped my face with the back of my hand, and I heard him sigh. Then I felt his arms around my waist. He pulled me from the driver's seat next to him. His arms encircled me, and he shushed me gently. And then I sobbed again, because I didn't understand how he could be so patient, so forgiving—soothing _me_—when I was ripping out his heart. He held my cheek to his chest and smoothed my hair. I looked up at him, and he wiped away the tears off my cheek.

"Bella, shh." He waited for me to obey. I finally quieted as he held me, though I continue to sniff. It felt like hours before I was capable of looking up at him. His face was calm, though the pain that I had inflicted had not disappeared. He was masking it for my benefit—again. He wiped under my eyes again, his cool fingers leaving trails where my tears had been. "There. That's better."

"I don't understand." He watched me, and smiled slightly, though his eyes held the unbearable sadness that was stirring in him. "How can you be so patient? Aren't you angry with me?"

"Angry? No. I'm not angry." He shook his head, looked away, and closed his eyes. "I'm…not surprised. It's not unreasonable for you to ask this of me. Not after everything that's happened today."

He looked down at me again.

"Edward, I want you to know that I love you. That this doesn't change _anything_. That I am not saying I don't want you, because I do. I will always want you."

"I know that you love me, but this _does_ change things." I felt the panic creep up into my heart, and it must have shown on my face, because he hurried to make me understand. "Not from my end, mind you, but from yours. You want time, and I'll give you that, because I want you to do what you think is best for you. But you wouldn't need time if things were exactly the same. Maybe, in the end, you won't always want me."

I panicked.

"Edward…" I started, but he held up is hand to stop me.

"Bella, love, I understand. I know that you're confused. That's okay. There is nothing wrong with that."

"Isn't there? I'm your _fiancée_!" I spit it out, disgusted with myself. Edward hadn't done anything to deserve this. I knew that. The only thing he had ever done was loved me. A lot. More than he should have. Enough to make the choice to leave for my own benefit. It really hadn't worked out, but he was _trying_ to save me. Enough to understand my need to keep Jacob in my life, and enough to sit by and let me need him. He loved me enough to give me what I was asking of him now. I didn't know how I could let it get so out of control.

I was asking him to wait for me, which I knew he would do. He wouldn't give up on me. That wasn't why I felt bad—it was because I was even asking it in the first place. I was asking him to give me time so that I could see if I really wanted this, which was stupid, because I did. I already knew that Edward was all I wanted, all I needed. And I felt guilt, because I shouldn't have had the right to want anything more. Because he was already everything.

But then there was Jacob. My Jacob. The rock on which I grasped when there was nothing else to hold on to. He was the one that took me under his wing and protected me from myself when I was unrecognizable. I had used him, and he let me, and now he loved me. And I loved him too. Two men, who were so right for me, both in their own ways. I felt guilty because parts of me wanted them both, and I didn't think that was fair.

After everything that had happened, I realized that I was fighting with those two parts of myself. I had spent the evening trying to decide what to do about my conflicting pieces, and the best that I could come up with was that I needed more time. My head was swimming. I was so confused. I had thought I knew what I wanted. I had even gone to tell Jacob that I needed Edward more than anything. But when I went to see him, and he was lying there in the bed, bruised and broken—for me—I didn't know again. The fact that I loved Edward didn't change and I didn't lose any of my need for him, but my heart grew and expanded to fit Jacob in too. I did love him, and every fiber in my being wanted to protect him, and the thing that he needed protecting from the most was me. From me hurting him any more than I already had. And telling him that I was choosing Edward over him did hurt him.

But then there was Edward again. On my way back home, he swooped in, and wrapped his arms around me. He held me while I sobbed, and I let him. So selfishly. I cried because I knew what I was about to ask, and because I knew that he'd give it to me, and because I knew that it would probably hurt him more than anything else I could do.

He was watching me, a sad smile on his face. He brushed a piece of hair off my forehead.

"Bella, I will never stand in the way of what you want. If you need more time—more space, whatever you need— to decide what that is, I will give it to you. Without question."

"Why?" I pleaded with him. The tears clung in my throat.

"Because I love you. More than myself." And there was the gut-wrenching guilt again.

He slid me over him and shifted our places so that he was in the driver's seat and I was sitting on the passenger's side. I was only vaguely aware as he put the car in gear, and buckled me up, and that we were driving down the road quite fast for my beat-up truck, because I was too lost in my own sadness.

"Aren't you afraid?" I whispered to him.

He snorted. "Yes, of course. You are the reason for my being, and the very thought of you not in my life frightens me more than anything else. But I'm also afraid of you _not knowing_. I don't want you to be with me if that's not what you really want. I would rather suffer for the rest of eternity than to have you do so, if being with me doesn't make you as happy as you could be."

I watched him, truly unsure of how to respond to that.

"How can you think that an eternity of being with you would even remotely be suffering?"

"If you wanted something more—something _else_—you'd be suffering."

We pulled up to the house sooner than I expected. He slowed the truck and parked in the driveway. I continued to stare forward. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach didn't go away. I sighed, knowing that Charlie would be inside, and that he'd want to know all the details of my visit with Jacob. Edward was watching me carefully as I turned to him.

"I'll see you upstairs." I turned to get out of the cab, but he caught my arm. When I turned, his eyes were sad and this time, he didn't try to hide it. His brow furrowed, and his lips were pursed. I could see he was suffering.

"Bella, I really don't think that is a very good idea." He winced a little at his own words.

"What?! Why?!"

"Well, because. If you're not sure…"

"I'm sure about that! I'm sure I want you with me tonight, and I'm sure that I need you."

He sighed. "Well, I don't want you to be more confused. I don't want _that_."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I hadn't ever really considered how that would affect my sleeping arrangements. I took for granted the fact that Edward was always with me at night. I guess I didn't think that would change. Or at least, I hadn't anticipated it. It was then that it hit me, exactly what I had done.

"Listen, Bella. I told you, my feelings have not changed. I love you and I will always love you, and I will always want you. But I don't think it is fair of me to act so selfishly when you're not really sure what _you_ want right now. You want me when I'm with you, sure, but when I'm not…" He trailed off, and he watched me sadly.

"I still want you," I told him resolutely.

He shrugged and furrowed his brow again.

"You don't need to do that, Bella."

"I'm not saying anything I don't want to. It's all true. I just…I'm a little unsure of how to proceed right now. I love you as much as I always have—I'm not confused about _that._ It's just that now there is this whole other side that I never realized and I just…" I trailed off, because I felt like I was probably rambling, not quite getting my point across effectively. He watched me patiently. "I just don't think I can push it away like it doesn't exist and ignore it. I feel so bad about the way this all has gone."

I watched his face to see that he was with me still. I needed him to understand, and he seemed to, though I don't know why I was surprised. Edward was always so understanding. I knew I didn't deserve it.

"You're right," he said, when he was sure I wasn't going to speak anymore. "You never realized how deep your feelings for him actually went, and it is fair that you need time to assess them. So, I wouldn't want to confuse you any more, by staying in your room."

He looked at me matter-of-factly, and I sighed. I knew he was right. It was not fair of me to ask him to be my boyfriend some of the time, when it was convenient for me.

"Edward, I _love_ you." He sighed, his face changing just enough that I could see how conflicted he was. At that moment, I saw what he was going through. Did he not believe it? Or was he afraid that I was only saying it because he would want to hear it? I tried to put myself in his place—I probably wouldn't want to hear it either. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for the way you feel. And I love you too." He leaned over and kissed my cheek, before opening the door and getting out. I followed suit. He walked around to the front of the truck and I joined him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he pulled me into him, resting his chin on my head. Something about this seemed very much like ending. I began to cry again, silent tears running down my cheeks. He just let me.

"Now what? Where does this go from here?" I whispered.

I could feel him inhaling slowly, I assumed to control himself. He was struggling as much as I was.

"Now we wait. You figure out what it is that you truly need. I back off and give you the space you need to follow your heart." He pulled away from me and wiped the tears off my cheeks. Then he bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'll be here when you need me."

"I'll always need you." He didn't say anything to that. I stepped into his arms again, and he let me, though I could tell how hard it was for him. Everything felt right when he was holding me. I realized that I wouldn't always have that at my disposal anymore.

"I have to go. I'll call you soon." He stepped away and bent down, just enough that he could brush his lips with mine again. It was so light, that if I wouldn't have felt the tell-tale coolness left on my skin, I wouldn't have realized he was kissing me. I watched him as he disappeared into the night, taking a piece of me with him.

I knew Charlie was waiting for me. I'd lumbered up the front stairs, suddenly too tired to move lightly. I felt like I was going to collapse from the pain, the memories, and from the weight on my shoulders. I felt like a tornado, wreaking havoc on everything in my path. How was it that I managed to rip apart everyone that I loved? How could my life have gotten so out of hand? At what point had it become my nature to be so selfish and unrelenting?

He was watching TV when I came in, trying to look preoccupied, I assumed. When he saw my face he stood up abruptly and came over to me. I must have looked awful. Tears were still streaming down my face.

"Bells, what's wrong? Is Jacob…" The sentence caught in his throat. I realized that he was worried about Jake's health and not his heart. I shook my head vigorously.

"No, he's fine. I just…" I really didn't know what to say. _I just told him I'd made my decision, but I changed my mind? I just probably lost the one person I needed the most? I just made a pact with the devil?_ "…need to go to sleep."

I dragged myself up the stairs. I undressed quickly, shedding my dress, not even bothering to put anything back on. I crawled under the covers sluggishly, wrapping them around me tightly all the way up to the neck. It wasn't until my head hit the pillow and I had time to think that I broke down completely. I sobbed restlessly as the anguish overtook me. I cried for the look on Edward's face. I cried for the hope that Jacob had. I cried because I didn't know what my future would hold. I cried at the possible loss of the family that I had so coveted being a part of, and for the future that I didn't know if I had the right to hope for. I cried because Jacob was bruised and broken, inside and out, and that was all my fault.

Charlie didn't come to check on me, though I knew he could hear me. I didn't have the strength to try to cover it up. I was slightly thankful that he was terrified of the hysterics, though it would have been nice to have Edward there to hold me. The thought of that made me cry all over again. I didn't know how I could survive without his arms around me.

I thought that I'd never stop the constant flood from me, that the pain would never be subdued enough that my brain would calm. But the exhaustion of the night overtook me, and I stopped crying—I didn't have any tears left, I thought, and I couldn't physically do it anymore. I don't know what time it was when I finally went to sleep, the stillness of slumber dulling the pain.

***

I woke up to sunlight, though it wasn't where I thought it would be in the sky. Apparently, I'd slept for a lot longer than I'd meant to. The events of the evening came back to me. A part of me wondered why I meant to get up at all after all of that. Then I scolded myself, because that was a terrible thing to think. There had to be hope. There was always hope.

It was extremely hard to see right now, I'd had to admit. I wasn't really sure how it was going to work out. There was no way that I could make everyone happy, least of all myself. My happiness didn't really seem that important to me at the moment, though.

I willed myself to get out of bed. Charlie was gone. I figured he didn't want to have to see me after the previous night of noise. I didn't really blame him, but the fact that I was once again alone made me feel even emptier. I felt that there was nothing left in me: tears, happiness, vital organs. I was just a shell.

Here I was, a woman that didn't even deserve one of them, in love with two wonderful men.

No. I realized that it wasn't that I was _in love _with Jacob. Did I love him? Of course. He was kind, gentle, and selfless, and I knew he'd do everything in his power to make me happy. How could I not love him? The thought of him, warm and sturdy, made me smile. I could count on him. I knew he'd be loyal. I could see myself beside him, doing all the everyday activities that couples do. It was very feasible. In fact, I could see myself doing that more with him than I could see myself doing those things with Edward. Edward was so out of the realm of the normal, that I couldn't imagine myself folding his laundry, or cooking dinner with him, or paying bills with him. Of course a lot of "couple-things" he and I would never do together, so Jacob was more natural. He was a good match for me. But I wasn't _in love_ with him the way I was with Edward.

My love for Jake made me want to take care of him above all else. To me, he was a victim of my own making, and he needed me. I thought about how I'd used him, and I winced. I had hurt him in the worst possible way, and it was my job to fix it. I didn't think I could bear to hurt him any more than I had. I resolved myself to making things right.

Edward was the most patient, selfless creature that I'd ever met. I didn't understand how it was possible. He didn't believe he had a soul?_ I_ didn't know how there could be any _doubt_. So I knew that he'd be supportive no matter what it was that I asked him for. I knew that I didn't deserve it, and I was pushing my luck. I was probably sacrificing everything that I wanted, but I didn't deserve him in the first place. Jacob didn't deserve to be hurting. I would put off any happiness of my own to make sure that Jake wouldn't hurt anymore.

And then an idea came to me, one that might make all of the suffering null and void.

It seemed like a reasonable plan, even as it was forming in my head. All the misery that followed in my wake the last few months would not go away, but hopefully, I could prevent any further damage. If Edward was as patient as he said. If Jacob could forgive me for all that I'd already done. If I could keep things status quo. If I could resist what I really wanted, just until I didn't need to anymore. Then, if those _ifs_ didn't betray me, I wouldn't have to be the one to make it hard. Everything would fall into place naturally.

How hard could it be? I would have to wait and hope, but there had to be a way. If it all worked out in my favor. Jacob would be happy, and I wouldn't hurt him anymore. I wouldn't be the one to make the hard decision, because that amazing and incomprehensible magic of the Quileutes would make the decision for me, and no one would suffer. There would be no more tears. I would have everything I needed, and so would he.

If I could find a way for Jacob to imprint.

I didn't recognize at that moment that there could be flaws in my plan. I didn't think about the fact that it wasn't really in my hands, or that it might not even be possible, because I was just so excited about it that I didn't bother to look at the downsides and improbable task before me. That whole angle wasn't even an issue to me at that moment. I didn't think about how it would affect everyone involved. The part of my brain that should have sent up the red warning flag was so completely masked by the hope and possibilities, that it never had the chance to communicate all the negatives of this idea. Everything rational was fogged by the possibility that I didn't need to cause anymore disappointment or heartache.

Hazy murmurings of suggestion were becoming more concrete. Things were beginning to solidify. I found myself hurrying to get myself ready. I hopped in the shower and washed myself quickly. There was so much to do. I tidied my room. For the first time in a long time, I felt lighter, feeling an almost-forgotten sense of hope. I hurriedly got down some quick breakfast and threw in some laundry. I brushed my teeth. I needed to see Jacob, I needed to talk to Edward. I felt like everything could work out because of this. My mind was whirling with the necessary steps needed to make this all work.

The phone rang as I was reaching for my truck keys.

"Hello?"

"Bella! What are you planning?" _Alice. Damn._ Her sweet melodic voice reminded me that all my efforts could be in vain. There were certain things that needed to happen for all this to work out. Most importantly, all parties involved needed to be completely unaware of what I was doing. Alice and her visions could throw a wrench into all of that. And of course, she already knew about last night. Edward confided in Alice because of her deep love for me.

"Oh, hi Alice." I sounded timid, even to myself.

"Don't '_Oh, hi Alice_' me! I can tell you're working on something, I just don't know what yet." She sounded a little irritated with me. I felt a quick pang go through my chest. I realized I wasn't only putting Edward off, but her and the rest of the Cullens too. All the more reason to make this work.

"Please don't let him see, Alice. I need your help," I pleaded. I heard her sigh.

"Bella, do you really think this—_whatever_ it is—is such a good idea? I mean, I'm not positive _what_ you're thinking yet, but the plan seems to have some serious flaws. Everything is shifting, and I don't like the blank spots." Her voice rose up at the end.

"I _do_ need to do this. I need to make everything right."

"I don't know that any of it will be right by this. I see so many different things from this. Sometimes, you disappear completely. I can't keep track of it. I don't like it." I envisioned her pouting and crossing her arms in front of her gruffly.

"Please, Alice. Just…" I breathed deeply. "Just keep it to yourself for now. _Please_."

The other line was silent for a while. I got the impression that she was watching the visions again. It helped to know that the images in her head were as varied and confused as the indistinct plans in mine. Maybe that would help her block Edward from seeing. I hoped.

"Fine. For now, I'll do what I can. But be careful. You can't control everything, you know."

I let out the breath that I'd been holding.

"Thanks, Alice."

"Yeah, yeah. Just be careful." I heard her sigh again before the line went dead. I didn't like making Alice mad, or asking her to lie for me, but it was a necessary evil. She'd quickly become a vital force in my plan to right my world.

I regrouped myself and headed out the door. As I lumbered down the road in my tired, old truck, I leaned my head on the back rest and breathed deeply, trying to calm myself. I tried not to think about it too much, simply letting hazy brainstorms swirl in my head—nothing concrete, more of a feeling than anything. It was the goal that was the important part, not really the process. I hoped it would help Alice keep my secret.

Stage one in the process: I was off to La Push.

.

.

**Chapter End Notes:** To all of you who are worried…just you wait! I loved how Stephenie Meyer put everything how it was supposed to be, but I think that if I were in Bella's position, I wouldn't be able to ignore my newly acquired knowledge of her Jacob-love. Those kinds of things need to be explored. Guilt, angst, and soul-searching ensue. Thanks in advance for all the constructive criticism, and let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2: Settling

**Disclaimer:** All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. She is the brains of this whole operation. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**II. Settling**

The late afternoon sun sparkled off my windshield, marveling in itself with its last glorious hurrah. I could tell it had been a pretty day, the calm after the storm that last night had brought. In the clear of the new day, bright and fresh, there was a new sense of assurance. I drove to the reservation, probably a little too fast for my car's own good. I silently checked myself, reminded that it had already gotten a work-out the night before by having Edward drive it. I relied on the car too much to have it break down now. It was, after all, an antique.

I tuned the radio to a top forties station, my newfound lightness getting the better of me. I knew that everyone was unhappy now, but soon everything would be better. I'd find a way to make it right. I replayed the night before in my head, focusing on the details of my conversation with Jacob. It wasn't pleasant, but in light of my plan, I now saw everything that was under the surface last night, but that I'd been too devastated to really see: Jacob was resilient—Jacob wasn't going to give up on winning me back, despite what he'd said. He was trying to tell me that.

The gravel crunched under my tires as I pulled off the road at the Blacks. It seemed surprisingly quiet. I didn't know if the rest of the pack knew about my conversation with Jacob last night yet or not, but I still thought a couple of them would be there with him. He was hurt pretty badly. At that, there was a quick stab in my chest, but I pushed it aside with the knowledge that I was there to fix all of that. I hopped out of the truck and made my way up the front porch steps. I knocked lightly. No answer.

Maybe Jacob was sleeping. I furrowed my brow. I hadn't really thought about that possibility, too preoccupied with my need to see him. I wondered if I should leave and come back. No, I couldn't do that for two reasons. For one, I couldn't let Jacob suffer anymore. Time to put an end to that. Secondly, I was just too damn eager to get the ball rolling on this thing. The sooner it started, the quicker it would be done with.

The screen door was the only thing blocking my path to Jake. I pushed on it slightly, and it gave under my fingertips, opening easily. I felt a little strange just coming in, but if Jake was alone, there was no way he could come to the door anyway, so I was justified. As I stepped over the threshold, letting myself in completely, Billy wheeled around the corner. His face was lit up with a huge smile, but it faded the second his eyes had a chance to see it was me. He frowned.

"Bella. What are you doing here?" His tone wasn't unkind, but I could tell that I was not welcome at the moment. I was sure that had to do with my dismissal of Jacob, but maybe a little bit about his prejudices of the Cullens too. Maybe he felt that this was no longer my place. I set my chin resolutely, hiding the sudden nerves that were now boiling in my stomach.

"Billy. I need to talk to Jacob again." His frown got more pronounced, and he mimicked my demeanor. For someone who sat so low due to his handicap, he was surprisingly intimidating, as if he towered over me physically. There was strength and honor in his eyes. I recognized it well, seeing as how it was so perfectly duplicated in Jake's.

"I don't think that's a good idea. He got an earful last night, enough for a while. Maybe some time…" I cut him off before he could finish.

"I know I don't deserve to ask to see him, but it's important. For him." I was pleading with him, but he would not back down. I understood. He was only trying to protect his son. In his eyes, he needed to protect him. I was the enemy right now, more so than the Cullens or any other supernatural creature. I, a plain, ordinary human girl, seemed like the most dangerous thing to him right now. And I didn't disagree. He and I stared at each other, unsure of how to proceed. He would not let me in to see him, and I would not leave before I did.

A voice from the next room shook his concentration. I heard shifting of bedding and a loud sigh.

"Dad, send her in."

My heart leapt. Billy looked at me for a moment longer before sighing himself, and wheeling out of my way. It took me a second to remember how to move my feet. I was suddenly daunted by the giant feat ahead.

Jacob looked better than he had the night before, at least physically. He was still bandaged almost head to toe, but there was less restriction in his movement, he didn't look like his injuries were hurting as badly. He didn't look green from the pain, and he was more coherent than last night when I'd told him goodbye. This was all physically, of course. Emotionally, he looked like a train wreck. Then, in an instant, he fixed on a mask to hide it all.

"Hey," I said weakly, suddenly unsure of just what to say. Just like Jacob, he started for me.

"So, did you come back to finish me off?" He was smiling, and his tone was light, but the agony in his eyes was impossible to miss. I frowned, my newly rediscovered optimism quickly retreating. He saw it.

"Jake…" I whispered forlornly.

"Bella. I'm only kidding. What did you need to talk to me about?" I watched him, knowing full well that he was putting on a charade for me. He shrouded the pain I had caused extraordinarily well. There was no way that he had transformed his grief so effortlessly in one night. For crying out loud, it took a hurried trip to Italy, six months, and Edward physically back in my life to make the hurt I had felt when he left me to even begin to fade. Maybe this was different, because Jake knew I did love him. Maybe his determination to keep fighting for me was enough to keep him sane.

"I'm sorry for last night." It was weak, and I knew that. I watched him wince just slightly, but he quickly hid it again.

"Hey…" he tried nonchalantly, but it faded away in a tell-tale way. He shrugged, forcing himself back into his strong-guy façade. "You don't have to do that for me."

"I do, actually, because I…" There were a lot of things that I could have said: _because I love you, because I've changed my mind, because I've got this crazy, wacked-out idea._ None of them seemed appropriate, and I didn't want to regret saying them. My heart still knew resolutely what it really wanted. Instead, I said the safest thing I could that still fit into my grand scheme. "…because I shouldn't have said it."

He struggled to sit up a little bit. I reached over to him to help him, but he shied away from my hands. It burned, because it reminded me of the way Edward moved away from me when I first told him about my confusion. I pulled my hands back to set them in my lap while he pushed himself up with effort.

"What are you talking about?" His indifference slipped just a little. He was watching me intently. He waited for me to respond.

"I feel bad for the way things happened last night. Between us."

He stiffened, jutting out his chin the way I had done to Billy just minutes before.

"Well, you shouldn't." I heard the anger in his voice. I cringed a little, but pushed on.

"Well, I do. Because I think I was wrong. I was wrong to say that to you when things are so…confusing."

I saw a fire light in his eyes. It was just a flicker, but it was enough for me to know that I'd said something right. He studied me for a minute, narrowing his eyes at me. He leaned forward just a little, and the effort made a rough sound reverberate from his throat.

"What are you saying?" He was still cautious, though the fire was steadily growing. He wanted this. It's what he had dreamed about all last night, until he realized when he woke up that it was all a bad dream—a too-good, impossible bad dream.

I wanted him to follow me blindly, but I knew there was a difference between hope and excruciatingly painful faith—the kind that destroys you. He needed to hope & believe, but not _know_. He couldn't let his heart _know_ that I loved him—he just had to hope. Because it would buy me more time. It was important that everything I said had a double meaning.

"That I was too hasty." That is all I'd give him. There was more that I could have said, but I knew I needed to be very careful. It wouldn't matter to him in the end, if everything worked out the way I was hoping. He wouldn't care about himself and how I had made him feel now and last night. But it would matter to me, because I'd have to betray everything in my heart to lead him along.

"Really? About?" He didn't even attempt to hide the small smile that was creeping up over his lips. I heard the relief in his voice, as if he'd just been released from prison. The prison of me. I averted my eyes.

"Telling you goodbye. I need you too much to hurt you that way. It seems wrong of me to dismiss everything I feel for you." True enough. I _did_ need him, and I couldn't ignore the way that I felt about him because it made me want to protect him. I didn't dare look up, because I thought I might see something in him that I really didn't want to. I was thankful that he was incapacitated for the moment.

"Huh." The sound coming from his lips was light, reflective. It was as if I'd just told him that it was supposed to snow tomorrow, or that an underdog just pulled out a surprising victory. It was interested but not earth-shattered. He leaned back against the pillows again. "What happened?"

"I guess after I left, I realized that I need you both. You are two very different people, but both important. Different, but necessary." I wasn't lying. All of it was true.

He snorted. "How does Mr. Wonderful feel about this?"

"He's…Edward. He's patient. I asked him to give me time, and he will, no question." He snorted again and rolled his eyes. It hurt me a little at whatever that implied. "Will _you_? Will you give me time?"

He looked at me then. Really looked. Something about his focus became determined, strong, and willful. He scrutinized me, and then smiled ruefully.

Time? As in, time to make a decision?" There was the unrelenting hope creeping back into his voice.

I shrugged. "Sure, I guess." That was as close to the truth as I'd get, so I accepted it. In reality, I needed the time to make my plan work, but he needed to believe that I wanted him in my life in the same way he had believed it before. So I agreed.

He smiled so widely it looked like it hurt.

"Bella, baby, time is on my side. Time to give you a chance to see how wrong he is for you—and how _right_ I am? Then time is what I need too. Just give it _time_...you'll see better than you expect to." He reached out and took my hand. I didn't fight him. There was no point. Everything had worked out as I'd hoped. He'd allowed me back into the spot that I'd removed myself from the day before, no questions asked. It was easier than I thought. Too easy.

Though, hadn't I done the same thing for Edward, when he'd returned from our separation? Hadn't I taken him back without making him pay for his mistakes? I could have been angry, but I never held it over his head that he'd left me broken and all but dead, or that he'd lied. I took him back without a second glance. Once I knew he wanted me—_actually_ wanted me—it was the balm I needed to heal. Wasn't that what Jake was doing now?

But it wasn't. I loved Jacob. I needed to protect him and atone for the things that I had done to him, and this seemed like a good way to start. I wanted to make him happy as much as I could. But it was different, because where Edward had been honest with me upon his return, I was lying through my teeth. Where Edward had left me for me, I had left Jacob for myself too. Things seemed very heavy handed on that front, and a new wave of guilt hit me. I hadn't anticipated I sighed, sensing things would actually get a lot more convoluted before they got better.

"I need to go." I stood up, letting his hand fall from mine onto the bed.

"But you'll be back." There wasn't question. He was shockingly arrogant. He raised his eyebrows up and down at me devilishly, smiling unabashedly. I rolled my eyes but smiled despite myself. There was no avoiding joy when someone was so goddamn happy themselves. The feeling didn't go away as I drove home.

Okay. First step, done. It had been so much easier than I had anticipated. I had gotten the ball rolling. Jacob had easily picked up where we'd left off. I knew that it was the least of what was ahead of me. As I drove, I thought about all the things that would need to happen. I thought about Alice, and Edward. Then I realized I needed to badly talk to him, but then, I always needed that.

Edward was waiting for me when I got home. I wasn't surprised. As I pulled up to the house, I saw his Volvo waiting on the road. The sun had set as I'd driven home, shadows casting themselves on the earth in the wake of the sun. Early evening—twilight. I noticed that the police cruiser was still gone. This was good.

I pulled up and killed the engine, suddenly unsure of how to proceed. I needed him to know that I'd seen Jacob and that he knew about my reservations from the night before, but I didn't want to—couldn't—hurt him.

He was leaning against the porch railing, watching me. I took an intake of breath at the sight of him. Even though I'd seen him the night before I missed him. Terribly. I missed his eyes, and the way he spoke my name. I missed the feeling of him lying next to me while I slept. I missed his arms and his lips and the knowledge that we were just…_right_. It had been less than twenty-four hours and I missed him.

"Alice said you wanted to see me."

"She's good." I smiled a little at him.

"_She_ thinks so." He laughed, but it was not as jovial as it should have been. Usually, when he spoke of Alice in his playful, teasing way, he lit up. But he didn't this time. I watched him hesitantly. He noticed and his eyes narrowed. "She's been singing Italian opera in her head all day. In German."

I raised my eyebrows. _Thank you Alice._ I hoped she saw that.

"Really? Interesting." I tried to keep my tone light, but failed. I turned away from him and headed up the front porch to hide the panic on my face, fumbling with my keys. He followed me into the house. I went to the kitchen to begin dinner. I was making a great effort to avoid this conversation at all costs. He didn't press anything, but I could feel him watching me. When I turned and finally looked at him, he looked troubled. There was something in his eyes that tugged at my core. I tried to steer him away from Alice's visions.

"I went to see Jake today." I knew that this conversation was not really any safer than the one before, but if I was being honest with myself, it was important. It was why Alice had seen the vision in the first place, and why she'd lied for me. It was why he was here now.

He was hard for me to read.

"I figured as much. How is he?" The sentiment surprised me, not because he asked, but because he sounded genuine.

"He looked better. I still can't wrap my head around how fast he heals." My tone was nonchalant, casual. His was not. His held the weight of the world.

"Some things take less to heal than others," he whispered softly. It hung in the air between us and made me freeze in place. This was the most loaded statement I'd ever heard, and it broke every piece of me.

"Are you okay? Are _we_ okay?" I breathed.

He sighed, closing some of the distance that my business had caused. "I had a good amount of time to think about last night. I pushed everything around over and over again, until it made me want to scream. You are everything I'll ever need. You're the only thing I'll ever want. I know that. I'm not guessing, because I am certain of it. But I am a vampire, and that is natural—I don't change. But you _do_. I want to tell you that you can't do this. I _want_ to. But I _can't_. Because I can't deny you anything that you need. Right now, you don't know what that is."

I wanted to tell him how wrong he was, that I knew exactly what I wanted. _Him, only him, for the rest of eternity. _But I couldn't say it, because all my efforts would be in vain. Plus, there was a chance he wouldn't be so convinced. Instead, I simply said, "You're too patient."

He smiled sadly at me.

I added quietly, "It hurts me to know that you're thinking that though." I felt a little broken, and I knew he could see it in me. His face reflected the same thing. The air sparked between us.

I expected him to reach out and pull me into his arms. I expected him to lovingly shelter my in his embrace in a way that I'd come to need. I would settle for the kind that he'd given last night: reserved and wary. I expected it with every fiber in my being, and when it didn't happen, I looked up at him, stricken.

"I'm sorry," he whispered softly, knowing what I was feeling. He was feeling it too.

"If this is about confusing me…"

"For once," he said simply. "It's not for you. I'm doing this for me. I can't pretend that this isn't happening. I can't ignore it. If you do decide to go a different way, Bella..." He stumbled over the words, his voice hitching in his throat uncharacteristically. "If I go on now like you only want me, I won't survive that."

It sounded like a foreign language to me. My brain couldn't process this new Edward-speak. I wasn't trying to be selfish; I honestly had no idea what he was trying to say to me. He was allowed to think of himself. I welcomed it, but it didn't mean I wasn't surprised as hell.

"So what does that mean?" I felt myself getting angry, but I tried to keep it at bay. I was not the one that had any right to be angry at this point. "Do you not want to be around me? Is that what you mean?" Anger was replaced by fear and desperation.

"Don't be silly. I just think that maybe we need to slow down. So you can step back and really see this from an objective perspective."

"Don't tell me you actually _want_ that. For me to look at this objectively."

"I already told you, I _want_ to tell you that you don't have a choice. That _we_ don't. But what I want and you need are two very different things."

He was right in a way. This was what needed to be done, but not for me. What I needed was not what "needed to be done." I needed him. I sighed.

"So, now what?"

"I don't really know." His voice betrayed his words. He'd obviously thought about it. He sighed. "I think…I think it would be best if we put on hold the things that could confuse you. Kissing, unnecessary touching…" _Unnecessary!?_ It was all completely necessary in my opinion.

I watched him, feeling like I was drowning all over again. I was struggling to keep my head above water. There was a ringing in my ears that threatened to blow any second. I squeezed my eyes shut. A mantra was beginning in my head. _He loves you. You love him. This is all part of your sick, twisted plan. It's only temporary. _A single tear ran down my cheek. He reached out and brushed it away. I opened my eyes and looked at him questioningly. He shrugged.

"Completely necessary."

_This is not worth it!_ I screamed to myself, but quickly squashed it. I was being selfish again. This was about Jake. I had already taken too much. I was doing this for him so that he didn't have to suffer. The mantra came again. I sighed.

"Why does this seem like the end of the world?"

He snorted lightly. "It feels that way, doesn't it?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered. My heart hurt more than I thought I could bear. The only thing that would make it okay was the feel of him against me, and apparently we weren't doing that anymore.

"Please don't be sorry. You've given up a great deal to be with me. I think I can survive a little while of restraint. It won't be anything I haven't done before." He smiled slightly, reassuringly, but I thought he was wrong. Somehow, I imagined this would be worse.

"Maybe you can, but I don't know if I can," I mumbled.

He stepped closer to me, so close that I could feel his presence, the cool temperature of his skin, threatening to undo me. He reached out and tilted my chin up so that I would have to look in his eyes.

"I _will_ do this. For you. For _us_. So that there is nothing between us." He spoke surely. I didn't want anything between us: lies, guilt, regret—_space_. I nodded in response.

"Do you promise that you'll still love me when this is all over?"

He smiled the first genuine smile I'd seen on him for a while.

"Always. No question." He leaned in to kiss my forehead, but thought better of it at the last moment. I cringed. Instead, he closed his eyes tightly, and balled his fists at his side. I watched him, unable to move. He inhaled deeply and opened his eyes. "I'll call you tomorrow."

In an instant he was gone.

_Phase Two: The End of My Existence_. Complete.

**Chapter Notes: **To everyone reading, a great big thanks for taking the time to do so**. **I truly hope you like the story so far. There will be lots of angst to come. Please review. Your input is definitely appreciated. Thanks! I'll be updating soon with the coming chapters soon.


	3. Chapter 3: Unsettling

**A/N: **BIG Update today. I actually had the fourth chapter all ready to go, so I'm going to add that one up here too. I jump around a lot when I write, and the 4th was actually one of the very first that I started for this story. I also have the last few chapters of the story already written, but those you'll have to wait for. It turns out so GREAT! I'm so excited!

If you are reading this, PLEASE REVIEW! I'd hate to beg, but I am willing. Grovel even. I'd love to you're your thoughts and feelings, and TRUST, it will work out for our favorite couple. It just isn't as easy as in Stephenie Meyer's version. Everything good is worth fighting for, right?

Anyway, Chapter 3 is still sad, all in all, because Edward and Bella are still in an unhappy place, but there is a really fun scene in here that was REALLY fun to write. My hubby helped me out a ton with that, and I'm totally grateful for his help. Chapter 4 is also kind of different, there's some fun dialogue in there. Can't wait to hear what you think! (PLEASE, please , pretty please!)

**Disclaimer:** All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**III. Unsettling**

I felt disjointed. I knew that I'd done it to myself. Where everything was supposed to feel like it was connecting, I really felt like I was loosing the pieces to the puzzle, all of them scattered around haphazardly. It had been weeks since I'd told Jacob about my change of heart, since Edward had told me in turn that he would not treat me the same way as before. We'd seen each other often, though not as much with my trying to split between the two of them, but every time he moved away from me slightly, or we missed the opportunity for moments of intimacy, I felt like I was losing another piece. Damn puzzle.

A small part of me was thankful that Edward had easily allowed me this freedom—it was the space necessary for me to achieve my goal. But the larger part of me suffered at the growing chasm in our relationship—the chasm that I alone had caused—and I began second guessing everything. I didn't doubt that Edward loved me, but he was careful around me, even more so than before—not just with me but also with himself. I watched him restrain himself with the utmost of care, and he never asked me dangerous questions like why I had done this, or what my choices meant. Inside, I wanted him too, because I knew that I would not be able to contain the truth if he asked me directly, and I wanted it over. Before it even began, I wanted it done.

That morning, the morning when the idea had materialized, it had seemed so clear. It made so much sense to me as I formulated the plan to end this erratic love triangle. But as time stretched on, my reasons became muddied, I found myself confused, and I was losing the will to even continue with it.

What's more, I had a sickening felling in the pit of my stomach that I had been horribly wrong. There was something in Edward's demeanor that frightened me. I had never seen him truly afraid—he always managed to mask whatever fear he held in order to protect me. Now, the enduring traces of dread were always present. He was hesitant.

Jacob was ecstatic at the rift between Edward and me. He saw it as his salvation, the utmost advantage that he could use to win my heart. He saw our separation as evidence that he indeed had the upper hand. Unlike Edward, he was impatient for his own goal. He continually chided me for my feelings and wants, asking me on a continual basis what my intentions were, when I was going to make a decision, and when I would figure out that Edward was only proving what he knew all along: that he should step aside, because Jacob was the one who truly belonged with me. This was how Jacob saw things.

I was exhausted. I was working at Newton's as much as I could, trying to lose myself in something tangible and distracting myself from the unbearable ache of aloneness. There was a deep residual pain in my chest from the knowledge that I had brought this on all of us. I would be incorrect, though, to say that it was the worst pain I'd ever felt. When Edward was gone, and I thought that he didn't love me was thousands of times worse. This pain was like the memory pain of that one, dull and constant, regardless of my mood.

My time was spent on this solitary mission. When I wasn't working or sleeping, I spent a great deal of time with both Edward and Jacob, split between the two. This alone delighted Charlie. He, too, noticed the obvious change in Edward's and my relationship, and I could tell from the more frequent smiles and spring in his step that he was pleased at the change. He gave me a large girth to explore my feelings for Jake. Apparently, I was doing a better job this time of masking my heartache.

When I was with Jacob, I spent the time in La Push. It was how he preferred it, surrounded by his pack members. I imagined it was because he so badly wanted his strange family to be mine. Maybe he thought that if I was with them and saw how much they wanted and accepted me, it would be enough to tilt the bar that much more in his favor. I did love them, but I had another family on the other side just as willing to fight for me.

When I was with Edward, my time was mixed between him and the rest of the Cullens. Esme, especially, went out of her way to make our time together memorable. Alice, Emmet, Carlisle and even Rose planned activities to occupy our time. But Edward and I also spent a great deal of time alone. I was thankful that we had these moments, though it was not our usual kind of solitude. He would not kiss me. He would not touch me. And the few times I tried to tell him that I loved him, the pain that flashed over his face was enough that it made me vow to not say it until the whole situation was taken care of. Which hurt me more than anything else.

When I woke on the first Saturday of July, I was especially excited. I don't know if it was because this had been the first truly summer-like day since graduation, or if it was the fact that I was alone, was scheduled off of work, and was slotted to spend the whole day with the Cullens. Probably a combination of the lot. I hadn't felt this way for a long time, and for whatever reason, I sensed that the day was going to be a very good one. Charlie was fishing and wouldn't miss me until very late. I got up quickly, hurriedly got ready, and hopped in my truck to speed over to the mansion.

When I got there, Edward was waiting on the porch, sparkling in the rays of sun that managed to make it through the leaves. He was breathtaking, and I felt my heart start to hammer wildly in my chest. I bounded out of my truck the second it was parked, fully intending to leap into his arms, but stopped short just before my feet left the ground. Apparently the bright sunshine and freedom of the day had made me forget all else. He smiled knowingly.

"You seem happier today."

I sighed. "I am. I was excited to see you."

"That's very good," he said, rising to stand with me. "We should get everyone so we can go."

"Go? Where are we going?"

His half smile reached his eyes for just a second, reflecting a sneaky sort of look.

"You'll see."

In a little over an hour the Cullens and I were standing in the middle of a cleared out field. It was not any of the fields that I had been in before, and it was huge. We were miles and miles from anything. It had taken a long time for us to get there, and that was at Cullen speed. I wondered if they were avoiding the other clearing because of the recent events there. The sun shown brightly through intermittent clouds, and I watched in awe as it danced off the bare spaces of their bodies. Emmet and Jasper playfully bounced around, punching at each other. Alice danced around lightly while Esme unpacked the jeep. Carlisle and Rose argued strategy. Edward led me over to the edge of the clearing and laid down a blanket on the grass.

"So what's the plan?"

"We're going to play football."

"Football? In _July_?"

He smirked and shrugged. "Sure. We aren't bound by temperature or traditions. We're vampires, so regular mores are out the window." He took my hand to help me sit down—it was a very gentlemanly gesture, and the contact of his cool skin against mine was enough to make me shiver down to my toes.

I smiled and Esme came up beside me with a picnic basket.

"Here you go, Bella. I made you some lunch." I smiled up at her appreciatively and watched her head back to join her children. Edward watched with me.

"So tell me: how does this work? Do you play all out tackle, or do you guys grab each other's flags." I gave him a teasing smirk and elbowed him. He returned it and jumped lightly to his feet.

"Oh, no. Don't go insulting the game. This is _vampire_ football. This is about as full-contact as it gets." He flashed me a brilliant smile before darting off to join his brothers. "Call me if you need anything," he called over his shoulder.

I watched as he joined into their revelry. Emmet was twirling the football in his palm expertly, shooting sly looks over at Rose, who in turn rolled her eyes. I imagined him joking about his ball handling skills, and cringed. They met together in the middle of the large field. I watched as they divided into teams, and then as Alice pouted and huffed towards me.

She trotted up beside me and plopped down next to me gracefully.

"Hey. Odd man out?"

She nodded and sighed. "This time. They'll rotate me in, but I hate sitting out. Just because I _happen _to be able to see the plays before they make them…" she grumbled. I laughed at her face, a mixture of aggravation and pride.

"Sorry you have to babysit the human."

"It's okay," she assured me. "It won't last long. Edward is just as annoyingly intrusive as I am, and Emmet will get mad at him fairly quickly. Then I'll get to play," she announce jubilantly. "Besides, the teams will be even soon, and we can _all_ play."

The reminded of my joining her family twisted uncomfortably in my stomach. I didn't say anything to that, and continued to watch the group of vampires that I came to love play with each other.

It seemed fairly evenly divided: Carlisle, Esme and Edward verses Emmet, Rose and Jasper.

They set themselves up, Edward's team first with the ball. He stood in the middle of the field and Carlisle and Esme flanked him. Emmet was opposite of Edward. I watched as he taunted him playfully.

"Okay, _little_ brother. Prepare to eat dirt."

Edward backed up and tossed the ball easily over Emmet, straight down the field into Carlisle's waiting arms. I cringed as Edward did indeed eat dirt—Emmet crashed into him with a great force, plowing them both into the ground.

"Don't worry, Bella," Alice spoke quietly beside me. "He's tougher than Emmet thinks."

He did seem fine, and Emmet helped him up to his feet, smacking him hard on the back as soon as he was upright. I was so worried about Edward that I didn't notice that Rose had taken down Carlisle before he could make much headway down the field. I had to hand it to her: she could play.

They all rejoined their teammates at the new location further across the long field. They huddled together and formed a strategy, each in their own, tightly-formed group. This time, Rose covered Edward, and Emmet sauntered over to where Carlisle waited.

As Edward pulled back to let go of the ball, Esme and Carlisle both headed straight down the field, but suddenly crossed towards the middle. This time, however, Rose got to Edward before he could propel the ball forward, and he went down to the ground with a thud. I didn't worry quite as much this time; if Edward could survive a bear like Emmet, I was sure Rosalie couldn't do too much damage. I heard Emmet grumble at his wife that he couldn't make an "unbelievable" play if Edward still had the ball. They huddled again for a moment and set themselves up for another play.

Everything happened so quick. Edward set up, and I heard him call out. Immediately, Carlisle set off, around Emmet strait down the field. He ran for only a second, but when I could make him out again, he was at least a regular football length away from where he'd been. Meanwhile, Esme had headed down the field towards the opposite direction, Jasper close behind. Suddenly, she changed direction forty-five degrees, straight towards Carlisle. Jasper didn't have time to make up for her quick change. At some point, Edward had let go of the ball, as Rose tackled him forcefully to the ground. Emmet was right on Carlisle's tail. Emmet's eyes lit up with vigor, engrossed at the sheer ease of his pending pounce. He threw himself at Carlisle using the full force of his body to propel him down into the ground, causing muddy grass shrapnel to fly around them. He shot up quickly and spat out an overconfident guffaw.

"Gottcha! Yeah! I'm the _man_, baby!" he shouted.

"Actually, we got _you_!" Down the field was Esme, football in her tiny palm. At the last second, and with prefect synchronization, Carlisle had turned just as Esme neared, gracefully tossing the ball back to her. Too caught up in the thrill of his impending victory, Emmet never saw her. She shot past him easily. Alice and I watched as Edward ran up to her and threw his arms around her and lifted her lightly off the ground in a congratulatory hug. Emmet's face fell and his eyes grew wide.

At that, Emmet let out a string of expletives the likes of which I'd never heard. If vampires could fume, he was.

"Emmet!" I heard Esme scold. "Watch that language!"

"A _hitch and pitch?!_ _Really?!_ Goddamn it, Edward, you're such a cheater!" Emmet howled down the field at him. Alice smiled, enthralled, beside me. Esme scolded again.

Edward was nearly rolling with exultant laughter. That pushed Emmet even further over the edge. With sudden determination, Emmet stalked over to him until he was looming over him irately. Though I was panicking, Edward seemed not to notice. He continued in hysterics. I watched as Emmet turned towards the rest of his family for assistance. Edward finally held up his hands as if he were surrendering.

"My turn." Alice shot up quickly and went to join the rest of her family.

Edward was still laughing when he came over to join me. I watched his happy gait, and smiled to myself. It had been a long time since I'd seen such mirth in him, and it warmed me. I wanted nothing more than to see him happy. All the time.

He came up to me and offered his palms to me. I eagerly slipped my hands into his and he pulled me up. The momentum was enough that I flew up with a bounce, and crashed gently into his chest. It was innocent, but it still made my heart beat wildly.

"Nice play," I breathed, not quite as casually as I'd hoped.

"I knew it would really irritate Emmett, and I wanted an excuse to be ejected from the game. Care to walk with me?"

I nodded dumbly we wandered away from the field and off onto a well-worn path. We walked side by side as I took in the surrounding area. I knew that we were far away from Forks. The trees were the same, but they were not covered by the tell-tale green moss. I wondered what state we were in, and if Charlie would send out a warrant for their arrest if he realized that the Cullens had fled the state with me. Edward's voice shook me out of my musings.

"Esme would like to know if you'd be interested in coming over tomorrow evening as well?" His eyes lit up at the idea.

"I can't." I shot him an apologizing look. "I promised Jake I'd go to the reservation."

I watched his face as it went over all the most heart-wrenching emotions: anger, sadness, regret, longing. Then it faded until it was unreadable.

"Another time, then." His tone was clipped, but I knew that it was not the anger that won out, but the pain.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. He sighed.

"You don't have to apologize. I knew this is what it was all about." We walked a while before he spoke again. The ground crunched beneath our feet. "What are your plans? If I may ask." He didn't seem angry, merely curious.

I nodded. "Bonfire. Your typical La Push Wolf Pack Soirée. This time with fireworks." His brow furrowed as he thought about that. It reminded me of when we'd first met, and he'd asked me questions over and over, trying to learn about me. The look was one of confusion.

"Oh. And you enjoy that?"

"Sure. What's not to like? Fire. Food. Amped up wolf antics." I smiled at him, but he didn't return it. Instead, he looked concerned. "Don't worry, nothing dangerous."

He nodded to himself, but I could tell he was lost in thought. Suddenly, he looked up at me and his eyes were soft.

"I trust you."

It was a simple enough phrase. The average bystander of our conversation would have thought nothing of the exchange. But in those three little words, I saw all the power and sincerity that he had in him, and the effort that it took him to stand beside me while I potentially crushed his and my future—the future that we had both been fighting so hard for. He did trust me, something I didn't know if I deserved.

We walked a little more, neither of us speaking, too lost in our own thoughts. Finally, Edward stopped, putting his hand lightly on my shoulder so that I would stop with him. It was the most contact we'd had in weeks.

"I don't mean to pry, but can I ask you something?" His voice was so low and soft that it stirred me. He was hesitant to ask, but I could tell that he felt it necessary.

"Anything."

"Where do you stand?" Anything but that.

I didn't answer him. For one, I was so shocked that he'd asked it. Our current situation made rules that he didn't ask me that. And then there was the fact that I didn't know what to say. I just looked at him.

"I'm not trying to be impatient, Bella. I just want to know where we stand."

I had anticipating that we'd need to have this conversation. It was unrealistic of me to expect him to wait in the wings forever, unknowing, until I figured things out. But I didn't want to have it now. I wanted to keep my happy, sunshine-filled day far away from this conversation.

"I don't know." It was weak, but it was all I could give him, because I truly didn't. Which depressed me. I was no closer to my destination than I'd been at the start of my endeavor, and I was sad and tired. And I'd already given up so much. "I'm sorry."

He sighed heavily, and his shoulders slumped.

"Please forgive me," I pleaded.

"There's nothing to forgive." He faced forward and didn't press me anymore, but I wasn't done with it.

"I guess…I guess I still feel the same way. I hate that I've hurt you both, and I need everything to be right. I'm confused as to how to do that. It hurts me to think of everything that's happened." He didn't look at me. Something flashed over Edwards face, but I couldn't place it. We kept walking.

"Can I ask you something else?"

I nodded regrettably.

"How often do you go and see him?" The question took me by surprise.

"Well, if I'm not working or with you guys—or sleeping—I visit him in La Push." He nodded.

"And how often are you alone with him?" I stopped and he stopped with me. He was watching me intently, waiting for me to respond. I eyed him hesitantly.

"Not much I guess." His question confused me. I hadn't spent much time alone with Jake. For a long time, he was healing, and his pack spent a great deal of time fawning over him. I preferred this to alone time with him. Once he was reasonably mobile again, they'd taken their get-togethers outside, but they were always still together, like a great big family. It seemed natural—they w_ere_ a pack, after all. I liked them, and he knew that, and it was easy. I thought that was what Edward would want. Was he testing me? He sighed deeply beside me.

"Bella, how are you supposed to figure out what you feel for him, if you never give yourself the opportunity? You can't tell me that you can reasonably figure that out with his wolf pack slobbering in the background." More confusion.

"What? Are you saying…?"

"It's eating away at me not to know what our future will hold. I don't mean to rush you but…" He interrupted me, shifting his feet around uncomfortably. Realization sunk in, and I felt my jaw physically drop. This was not my Edward.

"Are you saying you want me to _date_ him?!" He focused his eyes on me and stepped closer, trying to make himself clear.

"Bella, I don't want it, but maybe this is what you need to do. This is what you asked of me, isn't it? You don't know where your heart lies, and you need to figure that out, right?"

I stepped away from him, gaping at him incredulously. Of all the things I expected him to tell me, this was the furthest from my mind. Edward—my Edward—wanted me to go on dates with Jacob Black, the enemy, his rival. The man who wanted my heart. And he wanted me to go to dinner and a movie with him. I felt like I was in an alternate reality in which everything was suddenly reversed.

"I can't believe that you're saying this to me. Did Emmet rattle your brain loose? Or did you finally decide that I wasn't worth the trouble?" I didn't mean to sound angry. The truth of the matter was that I was so damn scared. It manifested itself in a strange way. He set his jaw and looked at me squarely.

"If this is what is necessary, I know you have to do it."

I softened at the look in his eyes. This was _not_ what he wanted, I could see, but he would put up with it if it was what I needed.

It was then that I realized that he was right. But not for the reason that _he _thought he was. He thought that I needed to explore my feelings, but what I really needed was to explore Jacob's. This is what my plan had been lacking. The whole while, I thought that the time is what Jacob needed, but it was not that at all. What he needed was exposure, and I couldn't see any other way for him to get it than with me. Sitting in La Push with the same people he saw everyday would not cause Jacob to imprint. If that were the element needed, it would have already happened. I didn't know much about the magic and legends, but I knew that much.

I didn't want to "date" him. I loved Jacob, his warm presence calming me and making me thankful for all the good that he had done for me when I needed him. He was good, and pure, and was worthy of love, but the very thought of dating him was like the blackest kind of betrayal. I did not want to do that to Edward, but I didn't see any other way. I needed him to separate himself from the normal so that he could find the thing that he was really looking for, and the only way to make him do that was to lure him to it. Was for _me_ to lure him. With me.

"I don't want to hurt you, Edward. I _can't_ hurt you."

"I trust you." There was that phrase again. It held in it everything that was good about him. He trusted me, even though I'd hurt him. Even though I was lying to him. Even though he knew there was a possibility of my betrayal. He trusted me.

And I knew that he did. He saw this as a means to an end. But it was the hardest and strangest thing that I every agreed to do for him. I thanked my lucky stars that I had him, and vowed that I would earn the trust that he gave me with every fiber in my being.

***

I spent the second of July on the reservation. It was everything a weekend wolf party promised to be. In recognition of the holiday that would fall on a Tuesday this year, Embry and Quil got fireworks. I half expected a few of the members of the wolf pack would be short a few paws. Fortunately, everyone came away with all their eyebrows, and appendages all intact.

Jacob had been more than happy about the arrangement that Edward had offered. I knew that he would be. At the mention of "dates" he threw his arms around me, pulled me to his chest, and nuzzled me lovingly. I let him, because it was necessary that I show an appropriate amount of enthusiasm, but deep down I was terrified.

My goal had not to lead him on. This arrangement got me teetering close to deep, perilous water. I didn't promise him anything, but he assumed it. He assumed this was his victory. In his opinion, he was sure that a few solo dates—real dates that didn't involve the watchful eyes of my overprotective boyfriend—would be just what I'd need to help him secure the place in my heart that he thought was rightfully his. He felt that, since Edward had sanctioned it, I would really let loose and give into what I didn't know I actually wanted yet. But I knew what I wanted already, no overzealous wolf dates necessary. _He_ just didn't.

I resigned myself to going along with this ruse—because, well, it was of my own making—but I didn't have to jump in feet first. It was important for Edward to trust me, and I offered to start slow, having Edward and Alice join us for an outing to the movies. Safe. Easy.

Of course, Jacob hated the idea. He reacted at the very mention of it, saying things like, _"I'd rather eat my own hand than spend my time with that parasite,"_ or _"Screw him. The hell I'll go out with you when he's there."_ But I wouldn't back down. In the end, he grudgingly agreed, if only to appease me. I hastily promised that I would find some alone time with him after the fact.

Truly, I was scared. I was afraid to be alone with him. I was afraid that someone would see us out together and they would assume the worst. I was afraid I'd be fueling Jacob's fire too much, and that I'd be in over my head without hope of resurfacing unscathed. I was afraid Edward wouldn't love me anymore.

"Bella, why are you even still friends with him? After what he's done to you, you should just drop him…and take me," Jacob had said, smiling, after I'd proposed my group date idea. I hadn't listened at the time, writing it off as typical Jacob. Later, when I thought about it, I cried. I imagined Edward as my friend, and nothing else, and knew that I wasn't going to be able to handle that. It made me more determined to find the finish line of this impossibly long race I'd started. I just hoped I didn't trip and land face first before I saw the end in sight.

Chapter End Notes: There_ is_ hope in sight. I promise. On with Chapter 4!


	4. Chapter 4: Recoil

**A/N: **This chapter is a little bit lighter. Angsty and unresolved, but not quite as much so. Read and Review—_Read and review_! Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own them…darn.

**IV. Recoil**

I was beginning to think this was a decidedly bad idea. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing my choice of clothes. At what point had I become the type of girl that cared remotely what I looked like? I turned this way and that, trying to see myself at all angles. Why did I even care? It wasn't as if this was such a big deal, right?. Really. Just the movies with friends. Friends. The word seemed so trite now. I was so sick of it. Alice was watching me intently from the edge of the bed.

"Bella, you don't need to be so nervous. Everything is going to be fine."

I raised my eyebrows at her in the reflection.

"I thought you couldn't see the future when Jacob was involved." Alice scrunched her nose.

"I can't. But I really don't see what the big deal is. We're just going to the movies." I sighed and turned to face her.

"Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal, but when you put two bitter enemies who just happen to be vying for the same girl in the same car, there's bound to be bloodshed. I have a feeling this is going to be a very long night."

Alice rolled her eyes and stood up. She looked breathtaking in her black lace top and dark jeans, and suddenly I felt even more self-conscious. I wasn't sure what my problem was. Okay, that was a complete lie. I was terrified. I just hope we all walked away from this, unscathed.

When I'd woken up that morning, everything seemed clearer. I was going out with Jacob, per Edward, but he was there so he'd know I wasn't doing anything that would lose his trust. I promised myself I'd look at this as a job. It was just a fun night with friends. We would visit a heavily populated place outside of the reservation, and this would all be taken care of. But as the day marched on, and we got closer to the impending evening, my confidence faltered. It was unrealistic of me to think that in one magical evening, Jacob would find his missing soulmate, and we'd all walk away as one big happy, platonic family.

In place of my confidence came a nervous twisting of my insides. I realized the last time I'd gone to the movies was with Edward. I didn't even remember what the movie was. All I cared about was that we were together, the way it was meant to be. Alone. I missed that we didn't do those things now, and that because of my ridiculous pact to singlehandedly right the universe, we couldn't.

"Need I remind you that this was your idea in the first place? Besides, Edward's promised to be on his best behavior." Alice had her hands on her hips.

"Well, that doesn't surprise me, but it's really not him that I'm worried about. He tends to have a little more self control." I sighed again and took a final glance at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a dark blue top and jeans, and my hair was pulled up in a pony tail. I sighed. "Okay. Let's go."

Edward was seated downstairs on the couch, silently watching a game with Charlie. They both looked uncomfortable. When Alice and I came down the steps, he rose and came over to us. He was dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt, covered by a dark grey blazer. I couldn't help myself: I inhaled sharply. He smirked knowingly and leaned over to kiss me softly on the cheek. He lingered there just a little too long to whisper in my ear.

"You look lovely tonight."

I blushed a deep crimson and nearly passed out right then and there. I nearly giggled. _Giggled._ I needed to screw my head on straight before Jacob arrived.

"Thanks. Er, Jacob will be here any minute."

"Actually, any second."

Just then, I heard the familiar sound of Jacob tromping up the front porch steps. He knocked quickly, but came right in anyway.

"Hey," he said energetically, a warm smile lighting up his face. His eyes fell on Edward and he grimaced. Charlie had risen from the couch to join our strange group. He gave Jacob a firm pat on the back.

"Well, you kids have fun, then." He sounded about as sure about that as I felt. Fun. Right. That was not the word of the day. Job, that was what I was doing.

"Thanks," I said, sounding glum. "Don't wait up."

We made our way out to the driveway, where Jacob's Volkswagen Rabbit was waiting. Jacob had insisted on driving. At seeing what we'd be taking, Alice scrunched her nose.

"Are you sure you can't convince them to let you drive?" She whispered to Edward. I gave them both a stern look, making Edward smile. I was thankful that Jacob missed that. We slid in, I on the passenger side, and the Cullens in the back.

No one said anything for the first half of the ride. The tension was noticeable, and I was starting to become irritated.

"So, what are we seeing?" I tried to keep my tone light. I'd decided to let Jacob pick the movie. I personally didn't really care what we saw. Edward and Alice said the same, so when it came right down to it, I figured that Jacob would raise the most ruckus about which movie to see. I really just wanted to bring them all together. Another unrealistic plan of mine. There was some ease in having the Cullens there, why I didn't know. Less pressure, maybe. Edward was there to appease me—though he hadn't really thought it was a _good_ idea—and Alice just came along to play referee like I'd asked. Jacob shot me a huge, warm grin from the driver's seat.

"It's that new action movie, _Nitrous Nights._ It's supposed to be really good."

"Oh, they have my car in that!" Alice piped in from the back. "But it's red. I saw it in the previews!"

Jacob rolled his eyes, obviously knowing exactly which car and which preview she was referring to. I did not.

"Figures that you'd own _that_ car. Do you guys ever do anything low-key?" I punched his arm softly, a warning that he should behave himself. I heard Edward chuckle softly in the back seat.

"Well, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right." The sound of Edward's voice made me stiffen.

I turned so that I was looking at him. He was seated behind Jacob. He didn't look very comfortable, as Jacob had taken the opportunity to push his seat back as far as it would go. He smirked again, when our eyes met. He seemed to be having a good time, and I wondered about that silently to myself. It was a strange mood for him to be in when the world was hanging in the balance.

"Is that okay? I mean, did you hear the movie was good?" It sounded more forced than I'd imagined it in my head, but he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

"It really doesn't matter to me. I am fine with whatever you choose. I'm really here for the company." He watched me intently, and I smiled, averting my eyes. Jacob grumbled in the front seat. It was very like Edward to be so giving. I was happy he'd decided to come. It was important to have him there. I figured it was a long shot, really, but if I could get them both to coexist in a reasonable manner, it would make my life so much easier down the road. I knew that I wouldn't be complete without both of them in my life. One way or another.

I turned my body back towards Jacob slightly, but my eyes stayed focused on Edward. It was dark in the car as we drove down the highway, but I could see him, his pale skin blindingly beautiful. He was watching me carefully, his eyes serious and smoldering. Just for a moment, and then his lips turned up slightly at the corners.

"… Well? Bella?" I looked at Jacob, confused. He was watching the road, but continued to sneak expectant glances at me. It wasn't until then that I knew that I'd completely missed what he was talking about, too lost in Edward's eyes.

"Um…" I didn't continue.

Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Jeez, Bella. Where were you? I said, 'Do you want to grab something to eat before the movie?'"

I shook my head. "No, I don't think we'll have time." I was still confused, dazed by Edwards eyes and lips and perfect face. He was having a strong effect on me. My insides ached for him. I spent the rest of the ride pondering that, only making myself crazier, while Jacob chatted to me cheerily about the movie we were going to see. Occasionally Alice would chime in about sports cars or something. Edward didn't speak, but I could feel his eyes on me. I didn't dare turn again. I might have passed out.

When we arrived at the theater, Jacob parked his car towards the back of the lot. I wasn't sure if that was because he didn't want his car scratched—though I didn't know if he'd be able to tell if it did—or if he didn't want to be seen in present company. As soon as the car stopped, before I even had a chance to unbuckle my seat belt, Edward was opening my door.

I looked up at him from my seat disapprovingly. There weren't many cars or people around, but it still felt unnecessary and risky that he should be so showy about his vampire speed. He smiled down at me innocently.

"What?" He cocked his head to the side and chuckled. I felt my legs soften, and I wasn't sure I could stand. I was suddenly aware that Both Jacob and Alice were watching us. Jacob rolled his eyes and got out. I swung my legs out and stood.

I was instantly aware of how close we were. He was blocking my path, holding the door with one hand while the other rested on the top of the Rabbit. I hadn't judged well when I got out, and I found my body pressed gently up against his. My lips were at his collarbone, and he ducked his head. I could feel his breath on my cheek. I closed my eyes and breathed him in deeply. Quickly he nuzzled my hairline with his nose. I felt his lips brush my temple. Then he wrapped one arm around me, lifting me, and swung me around so that I was out of the way of the car door. He released me, setting me back down lightly. My eyes were still closed when I heard the door slam, heard Alice get out, and heard Jacob walk around the car. It had all happened so fast that I wasn't sure it had _actually_ happened, but the feeling of his breath on my cheek and his hands on me still burned on my skin.

I wasn't sure what had gotten in to him, though I wasn't complaining. I missed the loving embraces and gentle caresses that had come to be so necessary to me. But this was of his doing. Okay, it _wasn't_. Ultimately, it was mine, but it had been him who said that we should no longer share those moments. Why was he suddenly driving me mad with them, teasing me to the edge of crazy?

I was actually relieved when Jacob came and threw his arm around me, hot burn of his wolf skin replacing the cold burn of Edward's touch. It immediately snapped me back to my attention and the task at hand, and I wasn't sure I could walk without the support. I leaned into him, still too unsure of my own balance to trust it. I watched him as he threw a smug look back at Edward, and I cringed. It was unfair that Edward should suffer tonight.

There was something that was off about the night, like everything was supercharged. I felt like a foolish schoolgirl. Maybe it was the fact that it had been almost a month since I'd touched or kissed the man I loved. Maybe I was terrified, and this was me overcompensating. I tried to shake myself out of the strange mood. It was causing me to forget the precarious position we were all in. It was as if nothing was amiss.

When we got inside, Edward offered to buy our tickets. Jacob protested hotly.

"Oh, no! You don't need to throw money around," he spat.

"Don't be ridiculous. It's the least I can do. You drove. Your car, your gas. I'll buy the tickets." Before Jacob could argue any longer, Edward had already stepped in line and was at the window. I tugged Jacob along to follow him.

When we reached the window, I grizzled. The pretty young blond behind the counter was batting her eyelashes seductively at Edward. Something in the pit of my stomach twisted in a familiar way. Everything in my being wanted to growl at her, _he's mine!_ I tensed and watched Edward, unable to do anything about it.

"So, is there, um, anything _else_ I can do for you?" she offered suggestively. She was nearly whispering and I could tell that the voice she was using was not the one she used with all the patrons that came movie-watching.

"No, thank you," He returned politely but coolly, and then turned to me, lowing his voice warmly and gazing into my eyes. I felt my knees give again, just a little. "Ready?"

The girl was obviously upset that I seemed to be with him, and I smiled smugly, nodding in response. I had a sudden urge to have him wrap his arm around me or kiss me just to prove my point. Well, not just to prove my point. Truthfully, I wanted it for so many more reasons. I'd been feeling that way since I laid eyes on him tonight. The separation was hard to bear. I thought it would be easier cool down our relationship for a while, but it was proving more difficult than I ever imagined possible. During the day, my mind wandered towards him, and at night, I'd been experiencing the most vivid dreams—dreams that made me blush thinking of them. Everything in my being was missing him.

We arrived at the concession stand. Again Edward had his wallet out.

"What would you like?" He'd aimed his question at Jacob.

"Right, bloodsucker!" Jacob shot back. "Like I'm going to let you buy my popcorn too. You'd think you were trying to get into_ my_ pants."

"Be nice, please?" I whispered to him.

Edward rolled his eyes, and got in line, muttering under his breath. "Disrespectful mutt."

"One of everything for me!" Alice shouted after him. He flashed her a wide grin, but otherwise ignored her. Alice smiled at her own joke.

"Well, _that's_ stupid. He didn't even ask you what _you_ wanted. So much for being a gentleman!" Jacob was frowning, but I could tell that he was proud of himself: _He_ would have asked me what I wanted.

"Actually, Jake, I'm pretty sure he's getting me what I wanted."

I couldn't help but chuckle at the expression on his face, a mix of distaste and confusion. It took him a long time to respond.

"Wait, I thought he couldn't read your mind."

"I can't." Edward had walked up behind us, moving close to me. He handed me a Coke and a box of gummi bears.

"Thanks. Perfect." For a moment, everything in my world felt right, and I smiled up at him warmly, lovingly. I had an urge to lean up to kiss him, as that would be very normal. How many times had we gone to the movie before? I nearly forgot that little was right between us. Even with Jacob there, the overwhelming urge to love him was present, despite the weird arrangement.

So far, the evening was going better than I had thought it would. I expected the tension. I expected the eye-rolling. I even expected the verbal bickering. It was the full-blown fight that I was dreading. Jacob watched us for a moment, then threw his hands up and rolled his eyes.

"Oh, come on. Let's go get seats." He marched off towards the direction of our screen.

"I thought you wanted popcorn," I shouted behind him. I didn't move, and Edward and Alice remained at my side, waiting for him to come back.

"Forget it. I've lost my appetite," he mumbled. For the first time that night, I saw Jacob's pain. They'd both been very good at hiding it from me, but thinking back, I knew it was there: The way Edward watched me carefully, as if he was protecting himself more than me, the flash in Jacob's eye when he walked in and Edward and Alice were already there. They'd both been able to suppress it well, but not entirely. I shot back an apologetic glance to Edward and sighed.

By the time we'd caught up with him, Jacob was back to his normal self. Edward motioned for him to go ahead and pick our seats. He happily took the opportunity to be the decision maker again and Alice followed arguing with him about the best location for serious car chase viewing.

Edward motioned for me to follow, placing his hand tenderly on the small of my back. His cool hands felt comforting on my warm skin, and I felt the surge of electricity pass between us. Instinctively, I leaned into him so that his palm rested flatly on me. I watched him as he smiled softly. Quickly, he slid his hand around my waist and pulled me into him for a gentle hug, releasing me immediately. He tugged lovingly on my ponytail and smiled. My body yearned for more. I knew I shouldn't have the right to want it. He was giving me tastes, but I wanted a full blown meal.

Jacob had found four seats in the middle of the theater, though it wasn't a difficult task. Most of the seats were empty. I frowned at that. I was hoping for a great across-the-dark-room, gaze-into-her-eyes kind of moment for Jake. Boom, imprint. Unrealistic, I knew. It was still a few minutes before the movie was scheduled to start. Jacob slid in and then me, followed by Edward and Alice. Jacob shot Edward a nasty look, which Edward ignored. I didn't want to know what he was thinking.

They settled into their seats. I glanced around, noting all the couples. My heart panged. From an outsider's perspective we probably looked like a normal group of teenagers. Well, two models and two normal teenagers, anyway. There was no evidence that this was like drowning. Jacob was chatting to me about one of the actors in the movie, and Edward and Alice were deep in their own conversation. I wasn't really paying much attention to any of it, lost in the surreal state I was in.

I handed Jacob some gummi bears, and he took them willingly.

"Thanks. So the explosions in this are supposed to be really great. Wild pyrotechnics." His enthusiasm made me smile. I was happy that he seemed to be enjoying himself for the moment, forgetting the fact that he wanted nothing more than to seduce me from the man beside me. At times like this, I remembered why he was my best friend.

"I'm glad you're excited. You know, if you want some popcorn, I'll go get it." He had snatched my gummi bears and was shoving another handful in his mouth. I was watching him, amused, and he grinned sheepishly back at me.

"Sorry."

I chuckled softly. Just then, Edward handed me a bucket of popcorn and a new package of gummi bears. I stared at the popcorn, confused. He motioned towards Jacob, and Alice leaned over and waved. Jacob was watching incredulously.

"Um, thanks." Jacob returned as I passed him the popcorn bucket.

"You're welcome," Alice returned in her bell-like soprano. Edward leaned into me.

"We were beginning to worry that he was going to eat your hand, the way he was eyeing up your gummi bears." I could hear the smile in his voice. Jacob rolled his eyes.

"You know Bella, we could move, go sit back there"—Jake piped in, pointing to the back row of seats usually reserved for those couples who would rather not _watch_ the movie—"and I think that the movie would be a _whole_ lot better. Lots more potential." I watched as he raised his eyebrows devilishly.

I heard Edward growl quietly, and then he snorted.

"Actually, it _does _improve the experience, sitting back there with Bella." I suddenly blushed deeply, remembering all the times Edward and I had spent back there. I heard Jacob curse under his breath. I sighed, irritated at the situation.

"_Enough_. Please?" I looked back and forth between the two of them, placing one hand on each. They were staring each other down. Edward had his fists clenched, but Jacob looked mockingly, almost serenely, at him. Edward glanced at me quickly. "Please?"

He nodded and softened back into his seat. I let me hands drop and played with the wrapper of my gummi bear box. Edward leaned over.

"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for and bad-mannered." I turned so that I was looking him in the eyes, and it surprised me when he didn't move away. I didn't say anything, too enraptured by how near he was. Finally. We stayed like that for the longest time, his eyes pleading with me for forgiveness. I finally nodded, and he smiled. I was taken by how beautiful he was, and again, my heart ached.

The opening credits shook me out of me stupor. They were unnervingly loud, promising that the movie would live up to Jacob's hype. I didn't really pay much attention to the movie. It was loud and full of car chases, explosions, and good-looking girls in skimpy clothes. When the lead female came out in an unnecessarily wet t-shirt, I snorted and rolled my eyes. Edward chuckled quietly beside me.

Jacob was completely enthralled, and I found myself gravitating towards Edward, who looked like he was enjoying himself as much as I was. I had been sitting in the same position for too long, and stretched a little to get comfortable again. Lightly, my hand brushed Edward's leg accidentally, and I found the irresistible urge to leave it there. I felt him freeze for a second, and watched his face. He didn't look at me, but several emotions washed over him—pain, longing, pleasure. He continued to stare forward, and I thought he'd ignore me, but then he put his hand on top of mine and left it there. Greedily, I lifted me fingers up and intertwined them with his. He began to make soft circles on my hand. It was more than I could hope for in the current situation.

I turned back to the movie and fought the urge to look at him again. I was afraid that if I gave in to that desire, I'd have a mess on my hands. I inched myself so that I was leaning into him, our shoulders touching. I rubbed his leg gently where our hands rested. I closed my eyes, tuning out the screeching and revving on the screen. For a while, I forgot we weren't alone.

Edward tensed, and he stopped moving his fingers over my hand. It startled me and I opened my eyes. A half a second later, I felt a familiar heat wash over my other hand. Jacob hand was intertwined with mine. I glanced over at him, and he smiled back warmly at me and returned his attention to the movie screen.

It is a hard feeling to describe: one hand hot, so hot your palm feels like it's baking, while the other is so ice cold it's like that's on fire too. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt vulnerable, tied. I glanced at Edward. He was watching me closely. The pain in his eyes was evident, as Jacob now made soft patterns on my hand with his thumb. I heard Jacob sigh beside me, and Edward flinched at whatever he was thinking. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how, as the action of removing my hand to do so would cause harm to my other side. Torn, I sighed and pleaded with him with my eyes.

He nodded, but then undid our hands. He didn't move my hand away from his leg, but folded his hands in his lap. I felt like I had just been hit hard in the chest, the wind knocked completely out of me. All my panicking and worry came to a head as I watched him withdraw from me. Suddenly, I was worried that he'd misunderstood, that he'd thought I was making some sort of decision. I turned to Jacob quickly, releasing his hand.

"I have to go use the bathroom." He watched me worriedly, and I smiled to reassure him, in spite of myself. "I'm fine. I'll be right back."

I rose quickly, clumsily, and nearly fell over Edward's knees. He caught me and steadied me, but I avoided his gaze. I couldn't look at his face, afraid that I'd see the coolness of his previous actions reflected in his eyes. Instead I looked down at Alice. As soon as I passed, she rose too, and followed silently behind me. I didn't turn around, didn't say a word, down the hall way of the quiet movie theatre and to the bathroom. The fluorescent light was near blinding as I pushed open the door. I went over to the sink and turned it on so that it was cold. I leaned down and splashed water on my face. I looked up, water in my eyes, fogging my vision. Alice handed me a paper towel.

"Bella, are you all right?" Her voice was calm and comforting. There was no evidence of concern, just a quiet understanding. I breathed deeply.

"I don't know what I'm doing. There's going to be an all out war soon."

Alice sighed. "Bella, I told you. Edward promised he'd be good."

I turned quickly. "It's not _them_ I'm worried about. Oh, Alice." I slumped against the wall next to the sink. She walked over and put her arm around me gingerly. "Please let him know that I'm sorry for that back there. Please tell him that I'm not choosing Jacob over him. That I don't know what I'm doing or how not to hurt them. Please, let him know what it's doing to _me_ to hurt _him_."

"Bella," she chided gently. She gripped my shoulder and squeezed, righting me back on my feet properly. "Everything will work out. You'll see." When I finally looked into her eyes, she was smiling at me reassuringly. I nodded.

"You'll tell him though?" She rolled her eyes.

"Yes. I'll tell him. But he already knows. He doesn't want this to be harder for you either."

"But back there, when Jacob grabbed my hand, he…" I was desperate for her to understand how heartbroken I'd been. She interrupted me.

"He let go? So that you didn't have to feel like you were so in the middle? So that you didn't have to be so torn for that small moment?" I listened to her suggestions, and softened. His patience amazed me. I didn't think I could be so patient if it was me against another rival. The idea of that made my stomach turn. I wished he knew what I knew so that I didn't have to pretend anymore.

"But, he's not…well, he's not…giving up. Is he?" It was hard for me to say it out loud. I didn't want him to step aside and let Jacob just have me. I couldn't even think about it. Alice rolled her eyes again.

"No, of course not. He's not that humble. But he won't deliberately hurt you, and along those lines, he'd never continue to do anything that he thought was hurting you. So he let go." She shrugged.

"Okay." It was all I could muster.

Alice sighed. "Bella, you are such a drama queen. You and Edward are _perfect_ for each other. Jeez, there will be so much angst in the house when you're a Cullen too." She shook her head, amused by her own thoughts, but I couldn't move. She sounded so sure, as if there was nothing standing in the way of that image that she'd just put in my head. I imagined myself, one of them. The Cullens as my family. And with Edward. Forever with Edward.

"How can you sound like that? Like it's already set in stone? Like I'm not messing it all up?"

She laughed. "Because it is. I don't need to see the future to know that. And I can do that too, you know. Now come on. You're making me miss all the cars."

She pulled me along, and I let her, still dazed by her conviction. She understood what I was doing, and she didn't let it get to her. It was an odd sort of comfort. When we got back I plopped down in my seat. Jacob turned to me immediately.

"You missed all the good parts. It's almost over." He was munching happily on popcorn, staring wide-eyed at the screen. I turned. Edward was watching me carefully. He shifted slightly at some unseen force, averting his eyes, and focused somewhere off in the distance. I could only assume that he was listening to Alice. I blushed, knowing that she was recounting the whole scene for him. It only took a moment, and he met my gaze again.

Without warning, he moved so that his torso was angled toward me. His hand came up and brushed my cheek. I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. The coolness of his hand left a burning deep within me. When he dropped his hand I opened my eyes. He was seated properly as if nothing had happened. For the second time that night, I wondered if I'd imagined his touch.

Jacob had been right. The movie was almost over, and as the credits rolled and the lights came up dimly, everything seemed surreal. We sat there—the four of us—unmoving as the mass of people around us busily grabbed their things to leave the theater. Jacob stretched beside me.

"Wow, that was good," He said lazily. Edward snorted. Jacob threw his arm over my shoulder, and leaned over to look at Edward. "What? You didn't think so?"

"Well, no not really. The acting was atrocious, the plot was so far fetched that it wasn't even remotely believable. And the car chases were not, by all reason of physics, feasible. The mechanics of it were off. I could do better in my sleep. You know, if I slept." He flashed me a wide grin. "Plus," he whispered to me, "the girls? Not even pretty."

Jacob grunted. I was sure he didn't have much of a comeback for that.

"Well, whatever," he grumbled. I was instantly aware of his arm tightening around me, his hand gently massaging my shoulder. I looked at him, surprised, and then back at Edward. His back was turned, and he was moving to leave. I was sure that the action hadn't escaped him.

As we walked out of the theater into the dark night, Jacobs hand left my shoulder and moved down around my waist. He snaked it around me, pulling me close to him so that I could feel his intense heat all the way from my rib cage down my thigh. It was smothering, but I didn't know how to maneuver myself out of his hold, so I stayed. Edward and Alice walked in front of us a few feet, but I could tell that Edward was paying close attention. We walked quickly and approached the car.

Jacob leaned into me and turned his head as if he was about to whisper in my ear. Suddenly, Edward stopped and spun. It was so quick, that I wasn't even sure what was happening. He was breathing deeply, and his eyes blazed with fury. I stiffened and Jacob pulled me tighter.

"Listen, _dog_!" Edward clenched his teeth, and I could hear the growl threatening to break through. "I've been very patient all night, through all your innuendos and suggestions—which by the way, are very offensive and derogatory—but I'd appreciate it if you'd _back off_."

I had never been afraid of Edward before, not really. There were times that he had shown me how much of a vampire he really could be, but I'd never been scared. I wasn't now, either—I was sure he'd never do anything to put _me_ in danger—but I was suddenly afraid for Jacob, my friend. The one who'd I'd decided to put my life on hold for.

Jacob released his grip on me and stood up straight. Alice moved me quickly, bracing us against the car. She held my shoulders tightly and watched them cautiously. Jacob squared his stance and crossed his arms in front of himself coolly.

"Get out of my head, if you can't handle it." Jacob shot him a cocky look, and I tensed. Edward growled just loud enough that I could hear.

Jacob advanced just slightly and for a moment I thought that there would be a fight right there. I panicked. I planned to launch myself between the two of them, to sacrifice my body for the sake of theirs, though I didn't think it would do too much good, and I was sure Alice wouldn't let me get that far. But I had to try. Maybe it would be enough of a distraction to keep them from tearing _each other_ apart. Their bodies were coiled as if they were going to spring at each other. But then Edward softened. Even with my human senses I could see the turmoil. He stood up from his crouch, but his body slumped.

"You know, it's not just the two of us that will suffer." His voice was soft, and he was looking down at the ground. Jacob watched him uneasily for a moment, still ready for a fight. Then he relaxed too. He grumbled something about "Stupid mind-reading bloodsucker" and got in the car, starting the engine.

Edward stood there still. He didn't move. Alice released me. I couldn't move. I was too in shock. I'd almost witnessed a fight between the two people who mattered most to me. This was what I was afraid of. I felt suddenly very alone, though, and I wanted to leave. I walked up beside him, and touched his arm.

"Edward, please. Come on. Let's get out of here." He didn't look up, and when he didn't move, I let my hands slide down his arm to his hand. I pulled him gently, just for effect, because I knew he wouldn't budge from my effort. I hoped that the gesture would be enough to will him to get in the car, but he stayed firm.

"No," he whispered. "I'm not going home with you." He looked over my shoulder to Alice. "Make sure she gets home?" Alice nodded, and I felt her hand on mine, removing me from Edward.

At that moment. My heart stopped.

"No!" I yanked away from Alice and pulled on Edward again. "What are you doing? Come on!" I didn't know why, but hot tears were flooding my eyes. It was irrational. I knew that he'd be fine. That he'd probably even beat us home—he could certainly run faster than Jacobs's car. I also understood that he would want to distance himself from Jacob right now, if nothing more than for my benefit. Even though there was much more than just that. But a small, terrified voice in my head whispered my most agonizing nightmare: that he wasn't planning on coming home at all. That this would be enough for him to leave me again. That he'd had enough. I pulled forcefully on him again, as the tears trailed down my cheek.

I don't know why he softened, if I'd sobbed so quietly I couldn't even hear it, but he turned and looked me in the eyes, and placed both his hands on the sides of my face, wiping the tears off my cheek with his thumb. He tilted my chin up.

"Bella, shhh." His voice was low and gentle. "I don't think it's a good idea for me to come back with you. Not after that. But Alice will stay with you, and I'll come to check on you once you're home, okay?"

"You promise?" I was surprised how weak I sounded. I brought my hands up to rest on his.

He smiled. "Yes. I promise."

He released me, and I didn't want him to. "Okay," I managed to get out.

"Now go. Or Jacob will be back out to finish me off." He motioned to the car. I could see Jake scowling at us from the driver's side, leaning so that he could see out the window. I sighed. Turning once more to look at Edward—I needed to be sure he would come and see me—I waited for him to nod. He did, and I finally gave up and headed towards the car, Alice in tow.

Jacob grumbled as we got in. He didn't say anything as he put the car in gear and headed away. When I looked back, Edward was already gone. Alice had taken the seat where Edward had sat before, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her watching me carefully. I sighed. He'd promised, and I was hoping that he wouldn't pick now to be self-sacrificial. That was all I could do to keep it together.

The ride back was quiet. Our exchange outside the car had left Jacob in a bad mood. He turned on the radio softly, and none of us spoke. I was thankful for the quiet, because I didn't think I could muster the strength to converse convincingly. When we pulled into my driveway, he didn't turn off the engine.

"So, I suppose I'm not allowed to come in." He didn't look at me. Instead, he stared ahead off into the night, his hands still gripping the steering wheel. He sounded a little angry, and I felt guilty, mainly because I was so eager to talk to Edward. I checked myself and gave a look back at Alice. I was thankful she was so intuitive. She got out of the car and went to go sit on the porch steps.

"Jake, I'm so sorry for that back there." He had released the steering wheel, but had yet to look at me. He sighed and closed his eyes. I watched him as he breathed in and out slowly, the way his chest rose and fell. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and protect him, but it would be me that I was protecting him from. The idea made me sink deeper in my seat. Finally he opened his eyes.

"I just don't get it, Bella. I thought you said you wanted to date me. Then you bring him along and his wacko sister. That's not a date."

I sighed. He was right, but I never said I wanted to date him. I knew it was necessary for the cause, but I never wanted it. I wanted to expose him to as much as I could so that it would all fall into place the way the world had envisioned it. But I couldn't tell him that, and I couldn't tell Edward that. There was too much riding on the lie. If either of them knew the truth, I would loose the power to control it all.

"I'm sorry." And I _was_ sorry, but not for needing to have Edward near.

"You know what? I'm sorry, too. I guess I was probably being a jerk." He smiled widely at me. It reminded me of when he was in wolf form, his tongue hanging lazily out of his mouth. I instantly felt better.

"You know, it would do you—and me—better if you didn't antagonize him. He's trying to be civil at least."

He grinned back at me sheepishly. "Okay, I'll admit, most of that _was_ for his benefit."

I rolled my eyes. "Do I even want to know what you were thinking that set him off?" He leaned in close to me so that our noses were only an inch apart. I could feel the heat radiating off of him. The action made me a little uncomfortable, and I swallowed hard, which he misunderstood. He raised his eyebrows and smirked.

"I was thinking about what I'd like to do with you once we dropped off the _dead_ weight." He nodded toward Alice on the porch and smirked at his stupid joke. I leaned back and swatted his arm.

"Jacob Black! They are my friends—my _family_—as much as you are. Be nice..." I paused and eyed him up, a little uneasy that I'd just called Edward my _friend_. "…and please try not to tick off the vampires." He smiled in return.

I didn't mention his thoughts about me. That was one area in which I was not going to delve into. I didn't want to stir any more emotions, and I certainly didn't want to give him the wrong impression any more than I already had been. I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek quickly before he tried to do anything more elaborate. Then I opened my door and stepped out. I leaned over to talk to him before I left. "I'll call you tomorrow."

He smiled at me. "Love you," he called. I rolled my eyes as I closed the door. Alice was leaning back against the steps and I walked up beside her. Jacob watched me join her, and then slowly backed out of the drive. I watched him drive away and sighed.

"Well, that was…_pleasant_." Alice's voice twisted around the word strangely. I looked over at her, about to comment on that, but she was already rising. "I'd love to stay and reminisce about this evening, but that's my cue to go." She pointed out into the trees.

I didn't have time to question her, because Edward was standing quietly behind me before I even had the chance to turn around. I could feel his presence there. He was close, so close that the hair on my arms stood up from his proximity. Alice leaned in to give me a quick peck on the cheek.

"I'll see you guys later." She looked meaningfully up over my shoulder at him and then darted off quickly into the trees. I turned around to face him. He didn't step back, and I brushed up against all of him as I turned.

"Edward," I breathed. "You came." There was more delight, more relief, in my voice than I had intended.

He smirked down at me. "I promised, didn't I?"

"Yes, but…" I let my voice trail off. It seemed so silly that I had been worried, now that he and I were alone and together. There was a sense of peace that I'd been missing since the evening started. He watched me, waiting for me to finish my sentence. Instead, I decided on, "Thanks for coming tonight."

He smiled. "Are you sure you want to thank me? I don't think it turned out quite how you'd hoped."

I snorted quietly and shook my head. "I don't know _what_ I was hoping for." That was a lie, but my hope was a stupid one, so it didn't even count.

He tilted my chin up so that he could look me in the eyes. He studied me for a moment, scrutinizing my face. His breath washed over me and if his hand hadn't been holding up my face, I was sure I would have crumpled right there. How was it that he still had this effect on me? He and I had been together for over a year—give or take. Was I ever going to be able to control my legs when he was near? I really hoped not.

"I do," he whispered quietly and furrowed his brow. "You want us to be friends. But I don't know that it is possible. Not while were fighting _for_ you."

"I know," I sighed and looked off into the night. He was right in a way. In addition to my strange new journey, I had another ulterior motive for the evening. I hoped the shared experience would bring them closer together. I wanted them to coexist again, the way that they had when it had been about saving my life. True, it wasn't the easiest cohabitation, and in the end, it had worm-holed into the state we were in right now. But for that small period of time, they had worked together for my benefit. Now, I wanted them to do the same—for my benefit—but not to save my life. I needed this, because it was so much more important than simply saving my mortal life. If I didn't have both of them, I would loose my soul. I was being selfish and I knew that. I wanted Jacob to see that I loved Edward, and I wanted Edward to see that Jacob had a steady place in my life. A different place. I hoped when all was said and done, they might be friends.

He took my hands in his and pulled my attention back to him. He sighed.

"We'll try, you know. Both of us will, because we both want you to be happy. _I_ want you to be happy." He reached up and stroked my cheek. I put my hand on his.

"You'd do anything for me wouldn't you?"

He nodded sadly. "Yes. Anything you ask."

I didn't miss the subtle pain that marred his voice, or the wince in his eyes, even though it lasted a fraction of a second. If I didn't know him so well, I wouldn't have even noticed. I wished I didn't know what had caused it.

"Anything?" I repeated. I was trying to lure him in, and I wasn't sure he'd take the bait. "Would you kiss me?"

He looked a bit surprised that that is what I asked, and relieved. But then his eyes became sad again. He watched me for a long time. He looked conflicted and then sighed.

Slowly, he pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist and breathed him in deeply. It was a different feeling from earlier. There wasn't as much of the electricity, though that never really went away. I was eager for his touch, but when were alone, it felt comforting. His embrace was safe, secure, and natural—like I was home. I tilted my face up and closed my eyes. I waited for the recognizable coolness on my lips, but it didn't come. Instead, I felt him tilt my face down. He softly kissed my head.

I felt the familiar burn of rejection run through me, and I buried my face in his neck. He held me close, but I didn't want to look up. I didn't want to know what was written on his face, and I really didn't want him to see what was all over mine.

"That's not really what I meant." I tried to sound calm, but I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice. It sounded biting and sarcastic, which is not what I had wanted. He pulled back, holding my arms at my sides, bending slightly so that he could catch my eyes with his own. They were a lovely swirling amber, and I felt all of my anger wash away.

"I know. I'm sorry." He sighed and looked miserable again. I leaned back into him and let my head find the familiar place on his chest. He gently rubbed my back and we stood there for a long time. Everything was wrong. I hadn't felt like myself since after the battle—since I'd sold my soul.

I had made this. I had made it so that Edward wouldn't kiss me and so that I was worried every time he walked away. I had caused the rift between us. I had set the course for the near-fight tonight. I had put all the fear and doubt in his mind. I had given Jacob an excuse to fight. For me.

My heart sank for probably the millionth time, and I wondered what I had been thinking. Again, I was terrible for wanting to keep them both happy. I had no right to either of them. That sat in the back of my mind. Now, though, what worried me the most was that I had already given up the future that I had been so eager to hold on to. I had fought so hard for Edward, but maybe I was already too late to save us. The image of my perfect forever future was dissipating.

"Edward, are we going to survive this?" The fear I felt clearly showed through, and he leaned back, practically peeling himself away from me so that he could look into my eyes again. I clung to him desperately.

"I hope so," he whispered. "But I'm not going to go anywhere until you ask me to."

"I'm not going to ask you to go anywhere. Ever."

He hardened just a bit, but then softened again. His face showed a shadow of the angst.

"Well, now, that's what we're doing, isn't it?" He didn't seem angry, but the guilt of what he'd said hit me hard, square against my breastbone. I was sure he saw it, because I staggered. I wished I could tell him no, wanted so badly for him to know that there was no doubt in what and who I wanted. But I couldn't.

He took my face in his hands again, and gently brushed a piece of hair off my cheek. A wave of emotions flickered over his face. The way he was looking at me made my heart pound like a jackhammer. He tenderly moved his thumb under my eye and let his cool fingers trail down my cheek till he reached my chin. He pulled me up so that I was standing on my tiptoes, and he leaned down.

When his lips touched mine, we both inhaled deeply. He was always careful with me, but this kiss was so much softer than all the others. He moved further into me slowly, and our lips remained still, pressing more deeply against each other. This kiss was different: there was no fiery passion—there was no lustful desperation—but it was so tender that I could feel the raw emotion behind it. We stayed that way, melding into each other, for a while. This was my salve, my knowledge that not everything was far beyond disrepair.

When he finally broke the kiss, I was still breathless.

"Thank you," I whispered, leaning back into him. He chuckled.

"Do me a favor?" His tone was lighter than I had expected. "If we ever do something like that again, let me pick the movie?"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't think we'll be doing _that_ again."

It was a long time before he spoke again. He became serious, and I wondered what he was thinking, suddenly afraid again. He stepped away from me, and led me up the stairs to the door.

"Bella, listen. I want you to know, that I won't be that guy that tries to stand in the way of your happiness for my own. I know that you're confused"—I opened my mouth to protest, but he silenced me by holding up his hand—"and I won't let my jealously or what I want get in the way of you making the decision that would be best for you."

It was unnerving how calm he sounded, because I was not.

"Edward, _please_," I pleaded desperately. "Don't do this. Don't give up."

He sensed what I was saying.

"I told you. I'm not going anywhere until you _ask_ me too. But if you do ask me too…" He trailed off, and shrugged nonchalantly, though I could tell how hard it was for him to say it to me. "Well, I want you to know that I will always do what you ask." I exhaled the breath I was holding.

"How long are you willing to wait for me?" He pulled me into him.

"I've got nothing but time." His smile sent a current through me, and I returned it.

"I won't make you wait long," I promised. He smiled wider.

"I hope not," he teased. "I am not as patient as I look."

"So, now what? Where do we go from here?"

"Well, I think it is important for you to figure this out. We wouldn't want you regretting anything. Vampirism is fairly permanent." I opened my mouth to protest again, but he stopped me. "Honestly, as much as I can't believe I'm saying this, I think you need to do this alone. I appreciate that you took my "date him," as an invitation to bring me along, but it's not going to work. As much as I'd like to be able to be there with you, it's not fair for me to be looming over you when you're trying to sort out your feelings. And you won't sort out your feelings if I'm there."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "You really _want_ me to spend time with him? Alone?" It wasn't anything new, but it still surprised me as much as it had when he first said it.

He shook his head and scoffed. "Of course not, but I'm not deluded enough to think this is ever going to be resolved if I'm the only one you spend time with. You need to explore your feelings for him. Without my interference. I won't ask. I won't get in your way."

I reached up and touched his lips. "I appreciate that, you know. How giving you are. I won't do anything that would make you sad." He smiled at me.

"Don't make promises you can't keep. Every moment you're not with me makes me unhappy." I knew he was playing with me, but I frowned. He pulled me into him. "Okay, enough. It's late, and you need sleep."

I looked up at him. "Will you stay?"

He sighed and frowned.

"No, Bella. Not because I don't want to. _Believe_ me, I do. But we agreed." He searched my face, and I nodded, though I really didn't want him to leave. I never wanted to let him go again.

He tilted my chin up and brushed my lips with his, only for a second. I closed my eyes letting the brief contact with him wash over me. When I opened them again he was watching me.

"Be happy, love. For me. Whenever, however you want me, I'm yours. Goodnight." He kissed the tip of my nose and released me, walking away. He glanced back before he disappeared into the shadows.

I knew he'd be watching me. I knew that he'd never leave me, that he was constantly too afraid to leave me alone for even a moment. The idea that he'd be near made it possible for me to move my feet, will myself into the house, up the stairs, and into my room. That was the only thing that got me to lay my head on my pillow and close my eyes. Otherwise, I would have stood there forever waiting for him to return.

Chapter end notes: I hope this is all clear at this point. Bella loves Edward and wants to be with him, but she thinks that Jacob deserves love and happiness too, so she'd doing everything in her power to help him imprint…except that she's doing it behind their backs. Convoluted and wrong, I know, but Bella thinks it's the only way. Other wise Jake might not be willing.

I hate it when an author validates their own writing in the end notes, but I didn't know if it was as clear to you as it is to me.

I've also realized at this point that I am decidedly lacking lemons, so I've changed the rating to T. I don't think it will ever get too graphic, though there will be some definite smoldering scenes. Sorry for all you lemon lovers out there.

Anyway, please review and give suggestions. I'll definitely see if I can work them in to the story!


	5. Chapter 5: Day After Yesterday

**A/N: **I want to send out a huge "Thank you!" to everyone who's been reading and reviewing with fervor, especially to CullenFest, who's been super supportive since the start. Thanks for doing all you can to help my efforts. Unbeknownst to her, she's quickly approaching "beta" status, as they say. Anyway, thanks again.

This chapter was so hard to write for me. It isn't too emotionally trying, comparatively, but I get antsy when Edward & Bella are apart. This fact alone should make all of you who are worried feel MUCH better. Lead-ups to great moments aren't always my strong point, so hopefully I can keep you all with me for a little while longer. There are a couple of "aww" moments though. Very Edward-like at the end I think!

As always, please let me know what you think! Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own them…oh, sigh.

**V. Day After Yesterday**

The movies had been a big mistake. I knew that even before it started. Trying to throw Edward and Jake together was like oil and water—the two would never mix as long as I was playing my unfortunate game.

There was quite a bit lacking with my original plans. All I wanted was to give Jake a happy ending too. I wanted him to know the feeling of love the way I did, because I thought that he deserved it. For all that he'd given me, he deserved to have someone love him back.

Looking back now, I see all the things that were wrong about the whole situation. Firstly, I didn't actually know beyond a shadow of a doubt if there was someone out there for Jacob to imprint on. He deserved it, but I had no proof that it would happen. I took for granted that it wasn't a given, and since even the wolf pack knew little about the process of imprinting, I was a fool to think that I could shove Jake into the situation and have it work. Dumb.

Secondly, I never should have pushed away the one person that I needed. He could have been supportive, maybe even helped, but I didn't let him. There were two reasons for that: one, that I thought the less everyone knew, the less they would be able to discover my plan amongst themselves, and two, he'd never let it happen. I didn't think Edward would be able to sit by and let me _pretend_ to love Jake. So I had to pretend like I actually _did_—to everyone. Jake needed to believe that I really was indecisive about my future, or he'd never let me meddle. Plus, I didn't want to break his heart again.

I should have known that I couldn't control fate, and that fate was smarter than me. I was hurting Jake by my assumptions and by leading him on. I was hurting Edward but pushing him aside and lying to him. And I was hurting myself, because what I wanted was so close.

But none of those things stopped me. It should have made me want to abandon my plan, but instead in made me even more determined. I wanted more than ever for this to all work out the way that I thought it should. In my mind, there was one person out there that existed for Jacob, and I vowed that I would find her. I barely ate, I barely slept, fully consumed with the need to find her. For Jacob Black to find _his_ Bella—not me, but someone to take my place; for this girl to find _him. _Like looking for a needle in a haystack if I'd never seen a needle before.

* * *

Edward called me in the morning. I slept in late, since I'd stayed up practically all night to think about these things. I was awake, but the phone ringing jostled me out of bed. I picked it up and greeted the unknown caller.

"Bella, were you sleeping? I'm sorry."

I instantly perked up at the sound of his voice. After my evening of inner turmoil, I'd slept poorly, tossing and turning while I dreamt bad dreams. Edward's voice was enough to shake the ghosts of the evening.

"No," I replied. "I was awake, but just being lazy." I heard him chuckle softly. It struck me that he seemed to be in a very good mood despite the preceding evening's events.

"I wanted to check on how you were doing. Did you sleep alright?" He sounded concerned suddenly, and I wondered if he already knew the answer to the question. I thought about it. I didn't want him to feel bad for my poor nights sleep, but if I lied to him, and he somehow found out, I didn't want that either. I settled with truth.

"I could have slept better."

"I'm sorry for that." He sounded genuinely sorry, as if it had been his fault. Edward always took those things upon himself.

"Don't. I was just restless. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately, so last night was just normal." He sucked in a quick, pained breath and I winced. _I shouldn't have said that. That would just give him more to blame himself for._ It was not what I wanted at all. I added, "I'm just cranky. Don't worry about me."

He laughed. "Bella, I don't think you're cranky. A little stressed out, maybe, but not cranky."

There was a long pause where neither of us knew what to say.

"So…" I began.

At the same time, he said, "Well…"

I let him take the lead.

"What are your plans?" The tone he used was light, not at all angry or intrusive. I wondered if he'd just called to chat, his voice light as if we were passing on the street. Then I felt a familiar burning in my chest. We should not have these kinds of conversations. We should not banter offhandedly about our day or the weather. We were star-crossed. We were soul mates. He was meant to be my lover, and I his. This was wrong.

"I have to work. And then I'm having dinner with Charlie tonight." I didn't say anything more. It was an apology, more than anything else, not because it wasn't true, but because I didn't tell him the whole truth. I did have to work at the store, and I was having dinner with my father, but I was also having dinner with Billy and Jacob, and I didn't want to tell him that. It wouldn't make me happy to do it, and he didn't want to hear it.

"Alright," he sighed. I realized then that he was about to ask me to do something with him or with his family. I wanted more than anything to call and cancel our plans with the Blacks, but I knew that Charlie would be angry with me. He and Billy had been planning this dinner for a week, which in the world of two single, grown men is pretty amazing. It all centered around a particularly important Mariners game. Or so I was told.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, too heartbroken to say anything else.

"It's alright, Bella. I'm happy that you're spending quality time with your dad. You two need that." He was ever understanding, ever patient and gentle. I felt a stab of guilt shoot through my heart knowing that I wasn't being completely honest with him.

"Thank you."

He sighed, though it wasn't a sad or regretful sigh.

"Have fun tonight. I'll call you tomorrow."

"'Kay. Bye."

"Bye," he whispered. The line went dead.

I felt very unfulfilled by the phone call. I stood there in the kitchen for a long time, standing in my socks and sleepshirt. Then, I shook myself from my strange numbness and went upstairs to get into the shower. I got ready to go to work, trying hard not to think about anything.

Newton's was relatively busy, but it still dragged on. I was trying hard not to focus on the evening ahead. Aside from the fact that I knew there had been a potential for an evening with Edward that I'd missed out on, I didn't relish the idea of spending the evening with Billy and Jacob, watching an incredibly boring baseball game. I knew that Jacob was pleased with the way we'd left things the night before, but I wasn't. In fact, I felt worse. I didn't feel like I had the energy to put on an elaborate, totally-devoted-to-Jacob-Black façade, and I knew that I'd have to—in the presence of Billy and Charlie, no less.

By the end of my shift, I was cranky, frustrated and even a little bit angry that I'd gotten roped into this whole dinner thing. I knew that I'd led my dad to assume that Edward and I were on the outs and that Jacob was on his way in, but I didn't care a lick about baseball, and I didn't want to sit there while they hooted and hollered. _Another La Push get-together. Great_. One more opportunity to sit around the reservation. It was not helping my cause that everyone was trying to undermine my goal. Plans were made around me, and I had no control over anything. I wanted the control. Miffed and feeling dejected, I made my way over to Jake's.

Charlie was already there, seated in his usual spot in front of Billy's new-but-used television. When I got to the door I didn't knock since they were expecting me, but I must have let the screen door slam a little too hard behind me. They all looked in my direction, their heads spinning quickly at the sound.

"Hey, Bells! How was work?" Charlie was reclining comfortably, his shoes off with a beer in his hand. Billy waved from his spot, as Jake rose to meet me by the door.

"Fine," I said, slipping off my rain coat. Jacob took it for me. "It was pretty busy. I'm beat." I hoped that my tone emitted the proper amount of inflection that I longed to be home. Charlie just nodded and returned his attention o the tiny TV in the corner of the room.

Jake leaned over and rubbed my back. The gesture was meant to be comforting, but I was too irritated to take it well. I shrugged him off and went to sit on the couch that he'd been sitting at when I came in. Wordlessly, he plopped down next to me. I was too tired and crabby to feel upset about how close he was, our legs rubbing against each other. I bit my tongue.

As the evening went on, I found myself relaxing. It was hard to stay angry and bitter. Jake was a force to be reckoned with when it came to cheering me up. He'd had lots of practice with that. By the time we'd finished our dinner—fish, of course—I was comfortable and calm enough that I could actively engage in conversation without biting anyone's head off. When Jake asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him, I complied easily. He always managed to remind me why he was my friend in the first place.

The night was cool with the sun down, and very still. We walked silently for a while down the road that Jake's house was on. On the reservation, the houses were fairly sporadic, miles apart sometimes. It always struck me on nights like those, how different my life was since I'd come to live in Forks. In the city, no one person had this much room to themselves. Every house had a twin next to it, and there was always a place to go. The skyline was a mix of mountains and urban jungle until you got far enough out that there was just miles and miles of desert. In the places of the populace there was no open room, no uncharted territory. The complete opposite of here. It would have scared me when I was younger, wandering purposelessly out in the open like that with nowhere to hide or duck into, but not anymore. Now, I needed it. It felt very safe.

Jake's steady voice broke the silence and my thoughts.

"So, how mad is your bloodsucker?" He kicked a stone forcefully, watching the ground move under his feet. I was looking at his face, and saw him smile.

"Jake, stop it," I scolded, but then softened quickly. He was watching me, his eyes sparkling in playfulness. "He's not mad. I talked to him about it, and he half expected everything that happened last night."

"Of course he did, 'cause it was a dumb idea. What the heck did you even want to accomplish?" His tone was sarcastic, but the same feeling of warmth was behind it.

"I don't know," I lied. It was the easiest thing to say.

For a while we simply walked. I couldn't be certain, but he seemed lost in thought. I imagined that he was wondering when I had the opportunity to talk to Edward about last night's events. I didn't intend to tell him that he'd swooped in and visited me right after Jake had left. That would only make him mad.

"Well, what else did you talk about?" he finally said.

"How _riveting_ your movie choice was," I teased. I bumped him playfully with my elbow and he barely moved. He didn't even really look up from his feet.

"Funny," he mumbled.

"Actually, he was really good about it. He reiterated that he wants me to go out with you and do things."

"Sure he does." He was still watching the ground sullenly. I suddenly felt irritated again, and had an immediate urge to defend Edward. I knew how much he was giving up to offer that, and I didn't appreciate Jacob's efforts to dismiss his compliance.

"Listen, I know this is hard for you to believe, but he is incredibly generous and giving, and he wants what's best for me. He isn't as quick to threaten me or hold things over my head as some people I know," I snapped. I knew that it was a little low to say that to him, but it was true. Not once had Edward ever threatened me with his own life if I didn't comply. I couldn't say the same for Jake.

"Ouch, Bella."

"Sorry, but it's true. If you guys would get over this stupid feud that you have been holding for decades. Jeez, I feel like I'm dealing with the Hatfields and the McCoys." I rolled my eyes and shoved my hands forcefully in my jacket. Jake was quiet for a long time.

"You know that's not what it's about, right?" His voice was small, quiet as I'd never heard him before. It surprised me so much that I looked over at him shocked.

"What?

"It's not about treaties or vampires versus werewolves. I mean, _yeah_, it _is_. I can't deny that his very existence makes my skin crawl. But now, it's more about you. You're what we both want, and you're worth fighting for, so I'm going to keep doing it. I won't give up just to have you turn into a stinking leech!" His voice rose, but I could see that whatever mood he was in was now shaken. Despite his words, he was in better spirits, and he smiled at me.

I guess I knew that, if I had to be perfectly honest with myself. I knew that their rivalry was not about the old distaste that existed before. In fact, the pack and the Cullens were getting along very well since needing to work together. Now, it was just _Edward and Jacob_ that feuded. And it was because of me. I knew that. It was just easier to think it wasn't. But then Edward had said as much the night before.

"He said something along the same lines."

"Did he?" He didn't really sound surprised.

"Yes, sort of. Except for the 'stinking leech' thing. I think he said 'putrid dog,' or something like that." He smiled at my joke, and raised his eyebrows. I nudged him again, shaken out of my mood, too. I was always amazed how he was able to do that.

"And?"

"He is resolute in the idea that this thing won't fix itself. That I need to spend time with you to figure that out. Without him." He was watching me intently. For a minute he was wary. Then, with sudden and undeniable exultation, his face lit up and a smile like a Cheshire cat's plastered itself on his face

"So you broke up then… Excellent!"

I noticed the spring in his step that didn't exist while he was kicking stones along the road. He held his head high and bobbed to some unheard music in his head.

"We did not break up!" I spat back at him, suddenly shaken again. I was angry that he jumped to that conclusion and that he was so delighted about it. He rolled his eyes, ignoring me.

"Well, you told him you weren't sure right? That you needed to explore your feelings for me?"

"Not exactly…" Not really.

"And you told him that you weren't proceeding with your plans to marry him?"

"I didn't really…" For now.

"And you're here, with _me_, telling me that you want me to take you out on dates—that _he_ does—and you don't think that this means you aren't a couple anymore?"

I didn't know what to say to that. He smiled.

"Honestly, Bella. What couple do you know of that is actually _together_, together, and dates other people? _'See other people'_ is generally accepted as breaking-up."

I don't remember the rest of the evening. At some point, we made our way back to his house. I, at some point, had made arrangements with Jake for a "date" in the coming days. And I'd driven home. I must have gotten there safely. I somehow got upstairs and crawled into bed, and then I must have slept, because I remember the next morning. I don't know how or when, but I was able to physically do those things. That was only physically, though, because mentally I was gone. My greatest fear had been brought to a head. And I hadn't even realized it.

I had broken up with Edward.

* * *

I replayed that phrase in my head over and over the following morning, with varying degrees of inflection. _I had broken up with Edward._ At no point did it sound right. At no point did it make sense to me.

I tried to wrap my head around it, all with similarly dizzying levels of despair, and the only thing that I could come up with rationally was that I didn't. There was no way that I would be able to do that with out my body falling apart and my heart exploding. That it was not even possible.

But didn't Jake make a good point? For all intents and purposes, I couldn't really be called his girlfriend anymore, could I? Or even worse, I couldn't be his fiancée. This made the pain in my seemingly hollow chest blinding, so I stopped talking about it to myself.

Really, I just needed to see him. If I could see him, I'd know that it was all a bad dream, this epiphany that I had thrown Edward away like he was nothing. If I just looked at him, I'd know the truth: that it was impossibility for that to be true. Everything would right itself.

I made it to the Cullens' quickly after calling to check with him that it was okay that I come. He was waiting for me when I arrived.

"Bella, I'm glad you called," he greeted when I met him at the steps.

"I really needed to see you," I told him honestly. Then I noticed how he looked. He was wearing a button-down polo shirt and khakis. I looked down at my own ensemble, thrown together in my haste to see him. I suddenly felt entirely inadequate.

He noticed the look on my face. "Bella?"

I shook my head. It was something I should be used to. Comparing myself to Edward was like comparing a yacht to a dinghy boat. The two were in two very different leagues. I sighed. Would I ever deserve this creature? Probably not.

"Never mind, I'm fine. You look nice." I said, dejected. He looked puzzled. Then he placed his hand on the small of my back and ushered me inside gently.

"I'm happy to see you, you know. I missed that we didn't get to spend time together yesterday." He said, leaning in close so that his breath tickled my ear. My heart leapt involuntarily at the sensation. Then he added, "And you look perfect, by the way."

I shot him a look, and stepped in. He closed the door behind us.

I instantly noticed how quiet it was. Vampires were notoriously quiet, but I usually had at least someone to greet me. But no one came.

"Where is everyone?" I wondered.

"Hunting."

"Did I keep you from a family outing?" I said, smiling up at him.

"No, I actually was taking the day for myself, getting some things done around here. You're phone call was an added bonus for me." He motioned to the couch, and I took a seat. He sat down next to me. I didn't say anything and he watched me carefully.

"So, did you have a nice dinner last night?" His tone was light, not accusatory. He sounded interested.

"Um, yeah it was alright," I said, shrugging it off. I didn't offer any more details, because it would pain me to lie to him.

"Good." There was silence for a while. Then he said, "How's Jacob?"

I froze, and then looked at him sheepishly. "Fine," I murmured cautiously. I waited for his angered response, but it didn't come. He looked at me slyly and smiled. "How did you know?"

"When Alice saw your evening disappear, I figured as much. I'm actually quite proud of myself that I was able to stay put. When she saw you come back safely, I was able to relax considerably." He sighed and then frowned. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "I guess I thought that you wouldn't want to know."

"Bella, I always want to know what's going on in your life—not because I want to be controlling, but because I like it when you share things with me."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. He reached over and tilted my chin up so that I'd look in his eyes.

"You don't need to be sorry. I want you to be able to tell me anything without fear of my reaction. I understand. Please don't keep anything from me because you're afraid that I'll be hurt. I understand the implications of what I've agreed to. I trust you." I watched him, and nodded. I suddenly felt relieved to hear him say that. I smiled up at him.

"You're too good to me, Edward. I appreciate that you are so understanding."

He snorted lightly in protest, but I could tell that his mood shifted. He smiled down at me.

"So what do you want to do today? Esme insists that keep you here until they come back. She's been missing you."

"I've missed everyone too. I don't care what we do. What did you have planned today?"

"Not much, to be honest. I was going to run a few errands, but now that you're here, I've decided that is much more important."

So we spent the whole day together, most of which we were alone for. It was exactly how I'd pictured our lives together when we were to be married, minus some kissing and touching, of course. Easy and comfortable. We watched a movie, though he managed to stay a distance away from me that I felt was unnecessary. I listened as he played a little guitar, the haunting reverberations of the strings sending me to another universe completely. Then we watched another movie, though we talked through most of it. I was amazed at how much I'd missed from his and his families' lives. I felt bad about it. This was not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be getting closer to them, not further away. It was only easy and comfortable on the surface. Deep down there was turmoil and unrest, the tides of uncertainty shifting us around one another.

I was lost in my thoughts. It took his hand on my arm, sending ripples up my spine for me to notice that he had been talking to me.

"Bella? What wrong?" His tone was gentle, reassuring, and I knew that I couldn't hold out much longer to ask him what I'd meant to all day. I was quiet for a long while before I spoke, rolling it around in my head.

"Can I ask you something? Something Jacob said yesterday was, well, something I wanted to ask you about."

"Okay." He waited patiently for me to continue.

I never imagined that this would be one of the hardest questions I'd ever had to ask him. There were certainly much more difficult things that we'd talked about. I'd asked him why he left, and if he loved me. I'd asked him never to leave again. I'd asked him to give me forgiveness. But this was almost as terrifying. I was so afraid of what he'd say more than I thought possible.

"Did we break up, Edward?" I choked out. The anguish of saying it out loud squashed my strength.

He tilted his head to the side, and pondered me, letting his brow furrow.

"Hmm. I guess we did." He didn't seem as confused about it or ready to attack the very thought of it like I did, only that he hadn't really thought about it like that before.

His tone threw me off. I wanted him to deny it, to tell me that that would never happen. I wanted him to say that he'd never let me do that to us or to him, but he didn't, and in truth, I didn't give him any reason to believe that we _hadn't _broken up. To him, I'm sure it seemed that this was exactly what I'd wanted. I'd asked for time, hadn't I? I'd asked for space, hadn't I? Not really, but that's what it _sounded_ like.

"Oh." It was all I could say. My body slumped against the couch, and I felt an emptiness that had been absent since he'd returned. Its return was a hard blow to my chest, knocking the wind out of me. I felt myself imploding at the verbal assurance that Jacob had been right, and that I had given up the thing that I wanted most in the world.

"But it's not really the first time, is it?"

I looked up at him. He was watching me carefully. There was a hint of turmoil in his eyes, but he did not seem to be falling apart like I was. That made me even more miserable.

"No," I admitted reluctantly.

He sighed.

"Maybe it's not the right word to use. 'Breaking up' implies that you were somehow just my girlfriend, and I don't really see it that way."

"_Were?_" I squeaked. That was past tense.

"Bella, it doesn't change anything. I still love you as much as I always have. But things are…complicated right now. Are you mine and only mine right now? No, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on you. You aren't my girlfriend—I've never thought of you that way. You aren't my fiancée, because you aren't wearing my ring, and we don't have plans to get married right now."

I squeaked again, holding back a sob that was threatening to break free. He slid off the couch fluidly, and knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his. He pressed himself against my knees until they unwittingly separated and he was between them. He was tucked between my legs, and I could feel his cool torso all along my body, and if I hadn't been hyperventilating because I was scared, I would have been because of the angling of his body and his close proximity. I tried not to look at him. I was afraid that I'd lose everything if I did. But then he shook my hands a little in earnest, and forced me to look into his eyes. When I did, they burned with a passion I'd not seen in a long time.

"You are not those things, because they are so much _less_ than what you actually are to me. You are my _everything_. No matter what. And you can never 'break up' from that. You will never, _ever_ be anything less to me than you always have been. I promise."

And then he did something that surprised me. He stood quickly. He pulled me up and wrapped his arms around me, cradling me to him. It was like a rush. I got lightheaded and dizzy. His heady scent mixed with the air in the house and made my eyes roll back into my head. I pressed my cheek to his chest just to feel him against me more fully, to force a connection that I could control. For a half a second, I was whole again. In the time it took him to squeeze me lightly, I found a piece of me that I'd lost. It was over too quickly, but his reassurance that there was still hope for us was enough to sustain me. He let go and placed me back onto the sofa swiftly.

Again, I was in a daze. At some point the Cullen's came home. At some point Esme made dinner for me, Alice stole me away from Edward to paint me toenails and do other equally annoying girlie things. Then at some point I went home. But this haze was different from the one the night before. I wasn't distraught and lost—I was euphoric, empowered by a new sense of urgency. I had put off things for too long. I had done so much wrong. But I wouldn't delay anymore. Today was the day. I would do what was necessary. Now was the time to start making things happen. I'd had another small taste of how the world was supposed to be, and I was afraid that if I let it go to long, I'd forget it completely.

**Chapter Notes:** See? It's getting better. There's hope. The next couple of chapters are going to be equally hard for me to write, but I'll try to get to another one by the end of the week. We'll see how that goes. There's some fun things planned! Please let me know what you think! Thanks again everyone!


	6. Chapter 6: Last Leg

**A/N: **As promised, here is another chapter. I actually LOVE this chapter. There's only a teensy bit of angst, and the rest of it is just fun. I was only able to get this out so fast because it was fun to write. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, PLEASE tell me what you think! I'm dying to know.

**Disclaimer:** Characters & Twilight Saga references are Stephenie Meyer's. Not mine.

**VI. Last Leg**

Murphy's law states that anything that can go wrong, will. This is especially true when you think about _my_ life. Though, if I'm being perfectly honest with myself it's usually my fault. You'd think I'd learn that in eighteen years.

I woke up that morning to another _gloriously_ rainy day. My mood was not good, a trend that was starting to get tiresome. I hadn't seen Edward or Jake in two days. I'd worked and slept and eaten. Repeat. Apparently, Mike was gearing up for a life of college parties and procrastination and had decided that he didn't feel like working much. I'd picked up a whole shift of his the day before, adding to my shift, and had another one planned for the next day. At least the money would be good.

I hadn't had much time to think about my plan, but I'd have to start. Tonight was my first official "date" with Jake. When he'd called me to confirm, we decided that we'd go to dinner, and then talk about what else we'd like to do after that. He suggested Port Angeles, but I asked if he wouldn't mind driving south to Aberdeen. It was a longer drive—almost double the length—but I wanted to go somewhere _new_, somewhere we haven't gone before. Somewhere where there would be new faces, new opportunities for interaction. He seemed confused at first, but I told him that I wanted to see the view as we drove, and that I was a fan of Kurt Cobain, and wanted to see his home town. He laughed at that—I must not have been very convincing. Then, I buttered him up by telling him that we'd have a longer time together, alone, just driving in the car. After that, he easily acquiesced. We decided to leave right after my shift at Newton's was over, at three o'clock. That would give us enough time to find somewhere to eat and then go to a show.

I wasn't looking especially forward to the day. Work lately had been just busy enough to make me tired, but not so much that it made the time pass quickly. Despite the busy season, there were only so many hikers and fisherman that could come into the little store in Forks. So I spent less time helping people or stocking than sitting around reading a magazine, and I wasn't really comfortable with doing nothing on the job. I scrubbed every inch of that place, top to bottom, _twice _before I realized that sometimes, there's nothing else _to_ do besides sit around and wait for patrons. At least the store looked immaculate.

And then there was the evening ahead. I missed Jacob. I truly did. I missed being with him when it was easy to be with him, when there was no pressure. Lately, I felt like he expected so much of me. I wanted things to go back to how they were before. I always knew that Jacob had wanted more than my friendship, but there had been this unspoken line that he hovered on. Since he'd crossed it, I knew there was no going back to the way things had been. Part of me knew that was my fault, even before I decided to help him imprint. Now, I felt like the damage was irreversible.

I rose early enough that Charlie was still home when I came downstairs. He was seated at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee. When he heard me, he looked up and smiled.

"Hey, kid. Haven't seen you much lately."

"Morning, dad," I said, taking a cup of coffee myself. I wasn't much of a coffee drinker, but I hated to dump a whole half a pot down the drain after Charlie left for work. "I've been busy."

He smiled. "I've noticed. You've been working a lot of hours. I think you're busier now than when school was going on."

I smiled at him. He wasn't a sharer. Charlie and I rarely had deep, thought-provoking conversations, or engaged in lively debates. In fact, I was lucky if he talked at all. But that doesn't mean that he wasn't extraordinarily perceptive of things. Edward had mentioned once that Charlie saw more than he let on, and I knew he was right. I appreciated his hands-off approach to parenting more than he'd probably ever know.

"I heard you have a date tonight." He wasn't looking at me, but the smile that he tried to hide behind his coffee mug was obvious. I rolled my eyes.

"Yep. Apparently it's national news," I spat sarcastically.

"Hey, now, Bells. Come on. Jake is just excited." It always amazed me how much he approved of Jacob and how little he approved of Edward. If he only knew. "Give the kid a break. Besides, you know you'll have fun. It's good for you to get out. Take a _break_."

He looked at me meaningfully as he said 'take a break,' and I didn't miss that he was referring to more than just my job at Newton's. I sighed.

"Dad, can we please not start the _Jacob-is-a-better-man-for-Bella-than-Edward_ debate right now? I don't have the energy to argue with you."

He furrowed his brow and put down his mug.

"Bella, I'm only saying that Jake is a good distraction for you. He has been there for you in the past, and he will be there for you in the future. The kid's loyal. That's a damn good quality."

I didn't even bother to dignify that answer, giving him a look of complete withdrawal. We just stared at each other. Finally, he sighed, rescinding and shaking his head.

"Fine," he mumbled. He got up, rinsed his mug out in the sink, and went to get his gun that was hanging up near the door. He turned around before he left. "I'll see you tonight."

"I'll be home late."

He smiled widely, and his eyes sparkled.

"That's what I hoped you'd say." Then he turned and left quickly. I was guessing that he didn't want to face my impending wrath. He was right.

***

I drove down the road to Newton's, fully focused on my job that evening. I wasn't really sure yet what I was doing. I didn't know quite how the whole imprinting thing worked. I couldn't really ask anyone, either. For a brief moment, I'd considered asking Seth, or even Sam, since he'd gone through with it, but that only lasted a second before I realized that I couldn't. Their stupid pack ESP wouldn't allow me to do so without Jake finding out.

I couldn't ask Edward, either, for obvious reasons, even though he probably understood it better than anyone outside the reservation, and maybe even some in. He'd had enough opportunities to see their collective thoughts, and he probably got the logistics of it pretty well. But then if I asked him about it, even offhandedly, he'd wonder why it mattered since I was supposed to be undecided about who I wanted to be with. Or even worse, he might think I wanted to know for _me_, and I couldn't have that.

I also thought about asking Billy. He was the obvious last resort choice. I figured he'd know these things easily, but it would be difficult to get a free moment with him when Jake wasn't around. Plus, I didn't know what to ask him so that I didn't tip him off. It would have to be perfectly timed to sound nonchalant, which would take a lot of planning. None of this was uncomplicated.

I was so focused on these things as I was driving, that I didn't notice when my car started making noise. It started out as a sputtering noise that was different, but not completely out of character for my car. Easy enough to ignore. When your car was as old as mine, these types of things seemed normal enough, like a little old man with creaky joints.

But then I felt it. The car hitched and bucked, and I felt the vibrations of the road through my steering wheel. Quickly, I glanced at the fuel gauge. _Half a tank—not that_. I checked the engine light. It wasn't lit, but then I wondered if it would even light in the first place. I started to get panicky, my breath coming fast and uneven. There was a churning in my stomach, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I gripped tightly, and said silent prayers that I would make it to work. _Please, just get me there,_ I pleaded. I suppose I hadn't really been paying much attention the last few weeks. When I thought back, I guess I had to admit that I'd noticed unusual things with my car, but I'd been too tired/distracted/upset to care. I was kicking myself now.

The vibrations were getting worse now. I checked the passing landscaped that hitched by, noting that I only had about another three miles until I was safely at work. I could feel how hard the old truck was working to keep running. It jerked around as if it was having a seizure right there on the road, and I scooted forward in my seat, hunched as if I was cold, trying to focus on getting those last few miles under my belt.

And then, it stopped. I was able to maneuver over to the side of the road, but just barely. It sputtered to a dead halt just as my tires made the familiar crunch-on-gravel sounds.

I groaned, closing my eyes and resting my forehead on the steering wheel. Gathering my resolve, I decided to have a look under the hood. Not that I knew what I was looking at, but looking would make me feel more useful than sitting there dumbly.

I hopped out, slamming the door behind me. The whole thing shook and groaned in complaint with what I hoped was not its last movement. I ran around to the front, finding the lever, and popping the hood. Pieces of rust flew off as it lifted grudgingly with an annoying squeal. A plume of thick smoke instantly flew up in my face, making the whole engine invisible to me. I coughed and waved the noxious air out of my face. Then I went to sit in my car.

I pulled my cell phone out, and dialed Newton's. Mrs. Newton answered in one ring.

"Hi, Mrs. Newton. It's Bella. I'm _so_ sorry, but I'm having car trouble. I'm going to late, if I make it there at all."

"Oh, Bella are you alright?" she asked, obviously concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But I'm afraid my truck's not." I felt terrible. I'd never been late to work, and I'd only missed on rare occasion when I'd been to sick—or depressed—to move. Even then, I could count the incidents on one hand.

"Do you need me to send someone?"

"No, thanks, though. I'll get a hold of someone," I sighed. Then I added, "I'm so sorry about this Mrs. Newton."

"Oh, please, Bella," she said dismissively. "You've been putting in a ton of hours lately for Mike. I'll just make him come in for you. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Thank you. I really appreciate this."

"Don't worry about it. Let me know if you need anything."

"Okay, thanks. Bye."

"Bye, dear."

I hung up the phone and rested my head on the steering wheel again. _Deep breaths, Bella_. I considered calling Charlie, but the only thing he'd be able to do was come out by me and get a tow truck. That wouldn't fix much, just give me a hefty tow bill and a garage to pay to boot. I needed my car running.

I called the one person who I could trust to revive my truck.

***

I sat in the cab as Jacob looked under the hood. It's the same place I'd been sitting when he'd arrived. I didn't want to watch him work. I didn't understand cars, but I imagined this would be like watching a surgeon cut into a dear friend, and I couldn't bear to watch. So I stayed in the truck, hoping upon hope that I wouldn't have to deal with putting it to rest yet.

Jacob slammed the hood of my car, wiping his greasy hands on a tattered rag. I hopped out.

"_Please_ tell me you can fix it." He was already shaking his head.

"Sorry, Bells. Your pistons are shot, and it blew a head."

"O…kay… I don't know what that means. How much will it cost," I groaned, quickly calculating mentally how much this would deplete my meager savings account.

"I _means_ that no amount of money is going to fix it. You'd have to put in a whole new engine, and at that point, you'd just be better off ditching it. It's not worth it."

I moaned, burying my head in my hands.

"Are you finished?"

Neither of us heard him approach. Jacob's head whipped up angrily before I even had a chance to react. I could see the searing fury on his face, but it was unrequited. Parked behind my paperweight-of-a-truck, was a shiny silver Volvo. Its owner leaned against its hood casually, his arms crossed in front of him. He looked amused. My heart skipped a beat…or two.

"Well?" he said. I could tell he was already well informed about the situation, and he was waiting for the verdict. But he already knew that too, probably.

Jacob huffed, but managed to get out a response. "It's dead. There's not much that will be able to fix it, aside from a new motor."

Edward rose and walked up beside us, disdainfully looking at my car. I didn't like it. I was in mourning, and he needed to have a little respect.

"Alright then. You've had you're chance to fix it. Now it's my turn." He looked at me and smiled warmly.

"_You?_ You're going to fix her truck?" Jacob spat, and I looked at him excitedly. Edward was good with cars. Rosalie was better. I started putting together the scenario in my head. Maybe he was going to have Rosalie come take a look. Or maybe I'd have to pay for a tow to their house, but that would be a small price to pay to have my truck back.

"Fix it? No, of course not. This thing's a death trap, even with a new engine. Actually, I was planning on fulfilling a bargain that we'd made." He looked at me and smiled again, that heart-fluttering, eyeball-melting smile that I loved so much. And then I realized what he was saying.

"Oh, no, you don't, Edward Cullen! You are not buying me a new car!"

"What?!" Jacob nearly shouted. He was as shocked as I was.

"Tell me why not! This piece of junk is dead, never to run again. You need a new car, and I can get you one. One that I'm not going to be afraid will _explode_ randomly with you in it!" He wasn't angry at me, but something else flashed in his eyes.

"Because it's unnecessary," I answered pathetically. He crossed his arms and leaned against my now-dead vehicle.

"I think it's completely necessary. You need a car don't you?"

"Yes, but…"

"But? But what? So Jacob gets to rush in and try to save you, but I don't? That's hardly fair, Bella." Now he was angry, but again, not really at me. His eyes flashed to Jacob, and I winced. I could see how he might feel that way. In fact, he'd probably think that I had betrayed him by calling Jake before him. After all, he knew as much—if not more—about fixing cars as Jacob. I don't really know _why_ I thought to call him before even considering Edward. Probably because I didn't think that he'd _want_ to fix it. Also, I couldn't really see Edward getting grimy and dirty fixing my beaten up old truck. The image didn't make sense in my mind. I guess old habits die hard.

He wasn't backing down, and I could see that. It wasn't that I wasn't thankful, but it didn't seem right in light of how things were right now. There wasn't much I could say if I was his wife, but I wasn't, and I wasn't going to take that kind of gift when things were so wrong between us.

"It's not your responsibility, Edward. I can't let you buy me a car. That 'bargain' is irrelevant right now."

This hurt him. Badly. I could see it wash over his face for a moment, and I instantly regretted saying anything. I realized that he probably would take that wrong, that he'd think that I wasn't letting him buy me a car because I didn't want to owe him for it later if there was a chance that we wouldn't be together.

"I'm sorry," I said, trying to soften my voice so that he'd see that wasn't my reasoning. "But I just don't want a brand new car. Can't Rosalie take a look?"

"Bella," he offered softly, "I think Jacob's already determined that your car isn't going to function anymore."

I looked over at Jake. He was watching us with a strange look of confusion. He nodded. I groaned, completely defeated.

"Okay," he hedged. "If you won't take a _new_ car, will you take a borrowed one? If I promise that I'm not buying you a car, will you agree to drive a car that I have?"

I watched him carefully. He seemed to be honest that he wasn't going to go out and buy me a car randomly, but there was something about the way that he said it that made me cautious. I nodded in regretful agreement.

"Fine, but only if I'm borrowing it. _Temporarily_."

He smiled as if he'd won some great victory.

"Good. Now come home with me, and we'll get you settled. I'll arrange for this _thing_ to be hauled away," he said, motioning disdainfully at my truck. My poor truck. I ran my hand along it lovingly, fleetingly.

"Hey," Jacob nearly shouted, causing both of us to turn. He looked at me questioningly. I had almost forgotten he was there.

"Hey, thanks Jake. For coming out to take a look. I really appreciate it. I'll see you at three, okay?" He seemed to soften at this, and nodded. I glanced up quickly to see Edward looking at me thoughtfully. I looked away quickly, choosing to focus on Jake picking up his tools. He gathered them silently and threw them into his car.

Before we separated, he looked back at us, and with a wag of his eyebrows and a mischievous grin plastered on his face, he shot back the last thing I'd wanted him to say.

"Hey, Bells. I'm_ really_ looking forward to tonight."

***

The drive with Edward had sort of a calming effect on me. The Volvo had a familiarity to it that I couldn't deny. It smelled like him, and I was enveloped in sheer _Edward._ I sunk back into the seat, relaxed despite the morning I'd had. My brow furrowed at the memory. Edward chuckled beside me. I looked over to see him watching me.

"You are an incredibly stubborn woman, you know that?"

"I guess I've heard that before," I sighed. "So, what car are you pawning off on me?" I imagined driving Carlisle's Mercedes, or the Jeep, neither of which I had any desire to do. Knowing my luck, I'd crash the Mercedes or roll over a pedestrian with the Jeep. Or Rosalie's sporty red thing! Or Edward's Aston Martin! Oh, god! That would be awful. Maybe Edward would give me the Volvo for the time being. I wondered if I could even concentrate on driving, surrounded by his smell all the time.

"You've never seen it. It's sort of…unnecessary for us."

I didn't understand what he was talking about.

"I'm sure it's about as ostentatious as the rest of them, right? I guess I knew what I was getting myself into."

He smiled beside me, now focused on the road.

"It's nice. Even _you'll _appreciate it. And, as promised, I won't make you keep it."

His reassurance that I wouldn't hold the deed to the thing relieved me a little. At least I knew I could give it back.

"I agreed to drive it only as long as it takes me to get a new car or fix the Chevy," I said stubbornly, jutting my chin out just a bit. He laughed.

"Bella, I know this is difficult for you, but you'll have to admit that your truck is dead."

I nodded sadly. I was starting to get that, which sucked, because I really loved that thing. It was like a piece of me. I suddenly wished I had paid more attention to it. I had neglected it, my old friend. I had taken it for granted and tossed it aside. I noticed a trend—I did that to a lot of things I loved. We were quiet for a long time.

"Can I ask you something?" he whispered. The mood in the car instantly shifted.

"Sure." I was afraid suddenly of what he'd ask.

"What did you mean by 'the bargain's irrelevant right now?'" His voice was so ghostly sad that it made my chest clench. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about now, just realizing that I had treated my truck the same way I treated him. I checked myself, before I answered him. I needed him to know how I felt.

"I was under the understanding that it was a package deal. Everything. I said I would take a new car if…" I couldn't finish what I was about to say—_if you'd keep me forever. If I was going to be your wife—_so I finished instead, "everything was still the same. But it's not right now. So I can't yet." I emphasized the yet for him.

He though about this for a long while. I continued before he could respond.

"I fully intend to hold up my end of the bargain if it should work out that way." It felt like my own personal venom in my mouth. Forget Edward's venom, mine could do a whole lot more damage than his.

"You know, it's not me that is holding that up. I'd change you tomorrow if that's what you wanted." His voice was still marred by the same sadness. He wasn't accusatory, or even angry, just sad. Which was worse, in my opinion. If he'd been angry at me, I'd have happy accepted. The pain in his voice burned through me like an inferno.

_It is! It is what I want! Today, right now!_ That's what I wanted to shout; that's what I _should _have said. Every thing in me wanted to scream that I wanted him, and that I wanted to be his wife, and that I wanted to take eighty new cars from him, but I didn't. Stupidly, I said, "I know."

He didn't say anything more. Neither did I. We just drove in silence. When we reached the house, he pulled toward the back of the garage. Behind it, covered with a fitted tarp, was a car I had never seen. He parked, and we both got out. I walked around the vehicle cautiously as he unveiled it. Beneath the tarp was a black car, the likes of which I'd never seen. It was sleek and smooth, with curves like a sexy woman. The windows were tinted to a shade that I wondered if it was even legal. It was certainly pretentious, but also domineering, like a mobsters car. I could tell that it was expensive, probably more so than even Edward's Vanquish. That fact alone had me cringing. It was a Mercedes, and while it reminded me of Carlisle's car, it was in a league all its own.

Did he really think that I should be driving that? Knowing my luck, I'd crash it on the way out the driveway. I imagined it wasn't one of those cars you could take to the local mechanic to have repaired.

"Well? Do you like it?" He was waiting for some kind of response, sort of giddy.

"Like it?" I squeaked, appalled. "Are you kidding me? Edward. I _cannot _drive this car! What if I crash it?!"

He laughed. "Bella, I doubt even _you_ could do much to this car."

I didn't like the way he said that, and it made me wonder what he was talking about. I shrugged it off, too distracted by the outrageous idea that Edward expected me to ride around town in this. Just then, Emmet and Rosalie came around the corner.

"So, Bella. Do you like the _Guardian_?" Emmet was nearly in tears. He found something hysterical. I was lost.

"I am not driving that!" I said. Now even Rosalie had a smile on her face. Obviously, there was something incredibly amusing about my driving this car. Edward made his lips a hard line, and frowned.

"Yes you are. You agreed. And you don't have any other options."

I sighed. I couldn't see myself in it. It was too nice, too expensive, too…much. I looked between them, distraught because I knew none of them would help me. Then I thought of something.

"Edward, whose car is this?"

For a moment, I watched as he shifted his feet uncomfortably. This was a strange thing to see Edward do. Then, he looked up at me purposefully.

"It's yours. For now."

I rolled my eyes. Emmet and Rose couldn't contain themselves anymore, bursting out in unabashed laughter.

"Classic. Oh, totally worth it, Edward. _Totally_ worth it! For years to come." Emmet spat, and Edward shot him a menacing look. He held up his hands and backed away, dragging Rosalie with him. I watched them retreat, their energetic guffaws melodiously filling the air.

I looked at Edward questioningly. The whole thing had been so odd. I didn't know what the big joke was all about, and I was beyond irritated.

"What the hell was that all about!?" I started huffing, unwilling to be the butt of the joke that I didn't understand. Edward sensed my bottled rage and came swiftly to my side, taking my hand in his. I was so ticked off that I didn't even look at him, despite the fact that my hand tingled from his touch. The thing was, I didn't really even know what I'd been so angry about. I was shocked that Edward expected me to drive the car, I was confused as to what the joke was, and I was hurt that my receiving it was somehow funny. He forced me to look in his eyes.

When I did, his eyes were soft.

"I'm sorry they upset you." He murmured. "Emmet and Rose were just being rude. They are like that sometimes. I promise, it has nothing to do with you. More me actually."

I looked up at him, still confused. Then, I decided it didn't matter. I was driving the car. I'd agreed. There was no backing out. Since I didn't get the joke, I wasn't going to obsess about it. I sighed and took a quick look at the shiny black car that was to be mine for a while.

"Are you sure you don't want to just give me the Volvo?"

He chuckled, tossing me the keys.

"Bella, you're not getting my car. Get in."

**Chapter Notes: **Well, what did you think! I hope I did the car death scene justice. I don't know a ton about cars, but I've had enough junker vehicles to know that this is completely plausible. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've had one or two that did just that…

I hadn't really intended to make the scene so long, but I just had so much fun with it, and it was nice that Edward got a chance to swoop in and save her this time. Next up is the date, so this was the calm before some of the storm. A little lightness before we get heavy again.

PLEASE, please review. I'd love to know what you think. Again, thanks to all of you who have been reading and reviewing like crazy!


	7. Chapter 7: Dating

**A/N: **I just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful feedback from the last chapter. I'm telling you now, that I am beyond obsessed with keeping things as close to Stephenie Meyer's world as possible as it fits into my storyline: we're talking preplanning phases, gobs of research, timelines—we're talking _timelines_, people! I know, it's over the top & a little crazy, but it only seems fair, since she did the same for us.

Ok, here's the hard part. Have you ever heard the saying that you need to mess up the room to clean it? Okay, I just want to warn you. This is a Bella and Jacob chapter. I ASSURE you, it's only TEMPORARY. Please do not throw things at me, or start hating me. I PROMISE, I will NOT (repeat, NOT) break all of your hearts. But I think it's necessary, and kind of important—crucial to the rest of this story. Here it is. Hang in there with me. Please. I AM going to resolve this properly. …I love you…?...Bella & Edward forever…?...Please…?

**Disclaimer:** Characters & Twilight Saga references are Stephenie Meyer's. Not mine.

**VII. Dating**

Aberdeen was in stark contrast to Forks. Where Forks teemed with life and foliage, Aberdeen was bare and coastal. It was different than the coast of the north however, that harbored trees and glades and held quiet places that could be hidden in. There—home—the forests and woods connected with the sand, and one gracefully flooded into the next, as if it was completely natural for trees to sit beside beach, growing out of it as if it was nurturing soil.

The earth here was flat and smooth. Buildings replaced rolling hills and valleys, snuggling themselves around the coast tightly. But that was just the town. Outside of it, the landscape was like the rest of the area before it, wooded and green. It was like we stepped into another realm altogether when we entered the town, this place that resembled an old, east-coast harbor, rather than the wooded and wild Washington.

Jacob had not been pleased with Edward's choice of vehicle for me. He looked at the car, scoffing. I had driven to his house to meet him for our "date" and he was scrutinized the cars details with disdain. I wasn't positive if that was because he didn't like the car, or because he didn't like Edward.

"What do you need that thing for? Are you planning on going into a war zone, or something?" He'd said to me. I simply looked at him dumbly, confused as ever.

"What are you talking about?"

He snorted and rolled his eyes. "God, Bella! This car is like a tank. I don't even think a rocket launcher could get at you in this thing."

"What?!" The realization of what he was saying had set in, and I was fuming. My hands balled at my sides.

"I guess he didn't tell you that, huh?" His look of disgust at my vehicle turned into smug amusement as he watched my reaction to this. His lips had turned up as he teased, "It's probably for the best though. At least we won't have to worry about you dying in a car wreck."

I hadn't been amused in the slightest. Not only had Edward given me this vehicle that was better suited to a Saudi Arabian war climate, but he'd probably lied about my borrowing it too. The Cullens would have no need for a vehicle like that. This had been an outright purchase made for me, and I was so angry I could have spit. It was overbearing and audacious, though deep down inside, I had to admit to myself that it was a little sweet. Completely unfounded, but selflessly sweet.

After realizing that, I sighed heavily, giving in to it. What could I do? I knew he wouldn't take it back, and I needed a car. Plus, when I was being completely honest with myself, it was probably safer for me to be driving something that I knew wouldn't wrinkle like an accordion. That was one of the things that I loved about my truck. I let it go then, though I planned on having a discussion with Edward about the car. This time, I _would_ be comparable to an irritable grizzly. He was in trouble.

Now, we were entering Aberdeen. The ride down from the reservation had relaxed me. I sat back and let the landscape pass me by outside the window of Jacob's car, and felt my anger slip past along with it. I did not want to fight with Edward. Of all things that he could have done, buying me a very protective car was the least of it. Here I was, sitting in the car of his arch rival, going on a date with him. If the only way that he was going to punish me was with a car that could resist gunfire and explosions, well, that was more than I could ask for. I would probably still bring it up, but I resigned to let him off easy.

Jacob was content to let me sit in peace, though we did engage in light conversation. He told me about the members of the pack who I hadn't seen in so long, as well as Billy's recent exploration into the world of the internet—something that he thought was hilarious. I listened, but didn't engage much. All in all, he was happy. This was what seemed to relax me most. His happiness eked through his pores and saturated the whole vehicle. I found it too easy to let him soak in his joy. And I let him turn my mood with it.

We picked out a restaurant to eat at as we drove through the town. It was off the main street, a little bistro that reminded me of a diner more than Paris. We both agreed easily. We were comfortable with each other, one of the things I loved most about spending time with Jacob. There was no tension, no pressure. The air around us was calm and peaceful, no static charge in sight. There wasn't much that I couldn't say to Jake, and he took it all in stride. Well, lately there were things I couldn't say, but I didn't find myself obsessing over them. It was times like that, sitting with Jake so easily, that I forgot my true mission. I realized that I did that too much.

We ordered our food right away—a Caesar salad for me, and a burger for him—and went outside again. There was a little patio with wrought-iron tables and chairs where we sat waiting for our food, enjoying the mild breeze that blew off the coast. I'd requested it. I hoped that by sitting out in the open, Jake might have more exposure. By the time we got there and our food came, the sun had dipped low in the sky. It was pretty out, the sun sparkling off the town like an oyster. The town was pretty, unlike anything I'd ever seen.

"Have you ever been here before?" I wondered. I was hoping that he hadn't, that I was showing him parts of the world he'd never seen before. And by world, I meant Washington.

"Yeah, a long time ago. With my dad. Before he couldn't drive anymore." He was nonchalant, but underneath, I sensed the little bit of sadness that the memory brought. "We came to look into buying a car, or something. I don't know, I was pretty young."

He shrugged his shoulders, and I smiled. That was what I'd been hoping for. He hadn't been here in a long time.

"It's different here," I commented.

"Yeah, not at all like the rest of the places I've seen." There was something in his voice that hinted at inadequacy, and I wondered where his thoughts were. He smiled slightly. "I don't get out much."

I rolled my eyes and snorted. "I've noticed." He looked a little hurt at first, but I used my foot to nudge his knee under the table and smiled at him. "Tell me why that is."

He shrugged. "I guess I never had a reason to leave. Everything that has ever been important to me has always been there. Especially now." He looked at me meaningfully, and I averted my eyes, nearly choking on a piece of lettuce in the process. There was something about this conversation that delved into unwanted regions. I ignored his pointed look, and changed the subject quickly. We began talking about his newest project involving vehicle restoration, and he took to it quickly. This was a comfortable enough topic, though it did remind me of my new car, which reminded me of Edward—which then reminded me that I was on a date with the last person that he wanted me to be. I almost choked again, but Jake didn't seem to notice.

I wondered to myself, while he was going on about rebuilding a carburetor, or fuel injectors, or something, what kind of girl Jacob would imprint on. I imagined her full of life, and intelligent, and beautiful. Someone with lovely rust colored skin and sparkling brown eyes. Someone who he would be proud to show off. And strong—she'd need to be strong to deal with Jake.

We finished our food and decided to walk. The waitress told us that there was a concert going on in a nearby park, and gave us directions. I inwardly rejoiced at that. A concert meant people, and though it would likely be crowded and hard to point out any one person, I took to the hope that the magic would work anyway, that they would be drawn to each other by fate, their paths crossing just because it was destiny. I failed to see the irony at the time, that I was trying to force destiny.

There had been a lot of people there, but as the evening continued, I was losing hope. The music was jazzy and catchy, and I might have had fun had I not been trying to locate Jake's perfect match. I saw a couple of girls who I thought would be perfect. Near the stage area was a short girl with long brown hair and a pretty, smooth complexion. I tried to make him consider her by pointing her out, asking him if she looked as familiar to him as she did to me, but he just shrugged and shook his head. Another one was a pretty blond, tall with hair that curled up slightly at her shoulders. I tried covertly to get him to look in her direction, pointing to an arbitrary spot over her head and asking him about it. He was confused, and when I was sure that he had to have seen her and nothing happened, I gave up on her. He looked at me strangely, and focused back on the band. Over and over I pointed out potential imprintees, but over and over again he just brushed it off. No magic there, or there. Nope not there either. By the time we decided to leave, I think I'd pointed out every girl at the concert, and not one of them seemed to hold Jake's interest. I felt my heart sink in my chest.

I realized that it had been a wasted trip. I had not gotten any closer to having Jake imprint than before we'd left, which saddened me. Sensing my unrest, he leaned down and asked me if I wanted to take a walk, and we wandered away from the concert.

We walked silently, side by side, away from the noise and the lights of the large gathering of people, down the streets of this strange, foreign, wasteful town. I suddenly found myself hating it there. It was not beautiful to me any longer. Any sort of interest in it had left when Jacob had not found what _I_ was looking for—it was desolate. It had not given me what I had asked for so it was of no use to me. I spurned it like a child who'd been bitten by their puppy. It was cruel to me, and I wanted nothing more to do with it.

"This was nice," Jacob said beside me. "I like having you all to myself."

I smiled up at him, though I don't know if it looked genuine. It didn't feel like it was to me.

"I am glad that we got a chance to do this," I lied. He took it well, too well. I watched him as he puffed out his chest happily.

"I am too. It's been a long time coming."

Again, he looked at me poignantly, his eyes baring into me. I understood. There was very little subtlety in him, and I knew what he was trying to say to me. I knew that he wanted us to be more than what we were. I knew that he wanted more than anything else for me to feel that way too, and I could sympathize with him, but I couldn't do that for him. Things were in limbo for the moment, and I could tell that it frustrated him. But I couldn't help that. I was desperate to make this all work out, but I couldn't outright lie to him in the process. I was walking a thin line, but it was all I could do. Thinking about this made me weary suddenly. I was exhausted from trying to keep up the pretenses of normalcy. I missed everything that I'd needed but wasn't getting. I missed _him—Edward_. And by denying myself what I was missing, I worried that I might be slipping away.

"Bella, are you okay?" Jacob's soft voice startled me, shaking me out of my thoughts. There was something in _him _that I'd been missing too. Jacob had always been my protector, the one who took bullets for me. There was something in my voice that reminded me of that. The way his voice curved around my name like a warm blanket, the concern that laced it, and the gentle patience that waited in him was enough to remind me of why I was his friend in the first place. Why I was doing all of this for him.

"Yeah, I am. Just…distracted. Sorry." I looked up at him sheepishly. I expected him to smile and continue on with his side of the conversation that I'd been missing while we walked, but he just continued to look at me worriedly. I looked away.

"Listen, Bells. I know that I've been putting a lot of pressure on you. It's just…" he trailed off as if he didn't want to continue for fear of hurting me. He furrowed his brow and watched his feet for a moment. When he looked back up, I could see the fire in his eyes. "It's just that I know if you gave us a shot—I mean a _real_ shot—you'd see how perfect we are for each other. I know it!"

I didn't really feel like getting into it. I was tired from my emotional, rollercoaster-of-a-day and from battling these two sides of myself in my head. I just sighed deeply.

We walked for a while until we were deep within the park. By now, the lights and sounds that we left behind were completely gone. We were alone in this sad, peculiar place. I knew that he was waiting for an answer, but neither of us spoke. I was so tired. I sat down at a bench lining the path and he sat next to me. It was pitch dark now. I didn't know when that had happened. The bench sat under the glow of some old-style lamps, and I rested lazily back. I noticed, just finally looking around at my surroundings, that there were very few trees here considering how deeply we'd wandered into the park. It was odd. I was not used to the openness that showed the stars and the moon. The proximity to the water here left the earth fairly open to the sky. It was another vast difference to the dense foliage of Forks. I shuddered, feeling naked and exposed.

Jake scooted next to me in response, and I felt his arm press into me. His warmth traveled up through me, down through my fingers and through my very core, finally down my legs and to my toes. I didn't know how much of that was his physical heat and how much was the psychological warmth. He was very good at that. He made me feel safer. He had been my shield, the one who stood over me when it was raining fire and I was in trouble of being burned up. He was the one who blocked out the darkness that threatened to swallow me, pushing it back so that it swirled around me but never overtook me. He was the one who put himself out there for me, vulnerable and exposed, so that I wouldn't have to be. Right now, in the open air of this strange foreign place, he was doing it again.

I felt myself involuntarily slump against his shoulder for support. I owed him so much. I knew that now. I even knew it then. I felt his muscles twitch in his arm, and his hand found mine. His fingers snaked through mine, and I let them, because there was nothing in the gesture that was aggressive or intrusive. It was just two people who cared deeply for one another, comforting each other. He was taking my hand and guiding me, and I was taking his and letting him do it.

"There's so much that I wish I could tell you." My voice broke the night. We were alone out here in the dark, in this new world. It was more than the fact that I had never been here. I was lost.

He turned his body to me so that I could look him in the eyes. I saw his hope dance in his eyes, and now, I didn't have the energy to try to calm or squelch it. I watched him as he leaned a little further into me.

"So do it!" he coaxed. He was whispering, excited. "_Tell_ me."

"I can't," I whined. I felt so weak, so useless.

"Bella, _please_. You can tell me _anything_!" He was begging me.

"I want so _much_ for you. I want you to be happy." This was true, and I felt fine admitting it to him, because I thought he should know that. It was not everything that I had bottled up inside of me, but it was enough. I hoped that it would appease him. And it seemed to, quite well.

"I want that too!" The light dancing in his eyes grew brighter. I instantly felt the change in his body. It reverberated up through his arm, mingling in mine with the already present heat. For a moment I stiffened, my body eliciting an uncontrolled reaction to his. Something had changed then. He looked at me with a passion, a fire that matched the way his body felt against mine. I think he misunderstood what I'd been trying to tell him, finding more in what I said than was really there.

I didn't move. I tried to steady myself from the onslaught of the emotions coming through him to me, and I closed my eyes. I tried to listen to the quiet night, the unfamiliar sounds of nothingness that seemed so far away from the rest of our world. But all I could hear was the faint buzzing that was coming off the presence next to me, as if he was creating his own kind of energy. It was powerful.

His hand moved on mine as if he were trying to rub out a smudge there and his body shifted. I could feel him orient himself to me more fully. I didn't open my eyes. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't move, too succumbed by the reaction that he was having to me. I did not burn the way that he did, but I relaxed into quiet acquisition of his movements. It was as if the world around us ceased to exist. He was like sleep. And I was very tired.

I felt it as he leaned in, and I was too slow and lethargic to react fast enough. I could feel his hot breath on my lips, and it stunned me. For a moment, I relished it and settled into it, like sitting in front of a fire, mesmerized by the flames that licked the air, sucking up the oxygen and dark. He was sucking up _my_ oxygen, _my _dark. And it would be so easy to let him. I could slip into him. I was weary and weak. I could let him drag me under and protect me, envelope me in him.

I was sick of games. Before they even started, I was sick of them. The night had been wasted. I had not gotten any closer to my destination than before we had started. I wanted everything for this strong but vulnerable man-child sitting next to me. I wanted the warmth that he gave me. I wanted him to feel the kind of protection that I felt when I was with him. I wanted to have him smile peacefully at the knowledge that he was happy.

_I_ would make him happy. I was not diluted enough to think that I wouldn't. Even if there was someone out there that was his perfect match—and at that point, I wasn't so sure any more—I knew that if I gave into him I would be enough to him. He would happily accept me—_all_ of me—without ever looking back. He would be content where we were, never moving or changing. And the knowledge of that would keep him safe and warm. He would know that he was happy. He would be content, and he wouldn't look any further. Like the reservation, he would never care to wander.

But would I? Would I be content? I would know that there was a bigger world out there. Maybe this would have been good for me in some ways. Maybe it would have been warm and safe and sorta happy. Maybe if I never knew that there was another side I would have kept pushing into him. I maybe would have let his lips touch mine, and let myself melt into him so that he could hold me protected and comforted from the cool night breeze that was coming off the water and soaking me with sadness.

I could lean in and let him love me. He was good, he was loyal, and I never had to fear that he would leave me. He'd never try. He'd never try to leave me for my own good, or beat himself up because he was afraid that he wasn't good enough for me. Because he _knew _that he was. Because he felt that I fit him so well, and because he loved me.

And I could let him.

But I _couldn't_.

Because he didn't fit _me_. I fit him—all of me, fit perfectly into Jacob. The puzzle pieces worked well enough, as if the die had cut him out, and me like him, from another puzzle. I could work, the replacement piece for him. But I wasn't his match. I was a different color, a different puzzle all together. He was the forest scene and I was the sky or the sea. If you placed me in that spot, you could pound me with your fist until I fit, but in the larger picture, I wouldn't look right, crammed in and wedged there.

He was almost on me, his lips just millimeters away. For a second I felt him there in the fullness of my lips. There was heat that radiated off of him in waves, but there was not the sparks, crackling between us, like I had come to expect from a kiss.

I opened my eyes. I saw him there, vulnerable and waiting. I pulled away abruptly, shocked that I hadn't done so sooner. For a half a second, he remained motionless, still in the same position that I'd left him in. Then he opened his eyes too, confusion and rejection clouding over him. He looked at me, and I frowned, backing away further so that I was no longer intoxicated by his warmth. Then further, slowly, until our arms didn't touch. Then more, so that I was once again surrounded by my own air, and not Jacob's anymore.

He looked forlornly at the spot that I had just occupied, his mouth letting go of the pucker that he'd just held so long for me, dipping into a frown.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, so quietly that it was hard for me to even hear myself, but I knew that he did when his face morphed from pained rejection to controlled fury. Not at me, but at what he believed the cause of my abrupt departure from him. He looked away and I heard the snarl rip through him, a mix of agonizing torture and poignant hatred.

"I could get you a million miles away from him, but he'll _still_ ruin you, won't he!?" I could see his body moving up and down with his anger.

"Please, don't. This isn't about him." It was a lie. Everything was about him in some way. But this was more about me.

"The hell it's not, Bella. Don't tell me that you're not backing away from me because of him."

He was right, in a way. If it weren't for Edward, I would have probably kissed him. He wouldn't want to hear that, and I couldn't break his heart anymore then.

"Please, I don't have the energy to fight about this right now." I whispered, despondent.

He watched me for a moment and softened. I must have looked terrible, because he had been very angry. He sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I don't mean to take it out on you, but I'm _frustrated_, Bella. Just when I think you want this, you pull away. Just when I think you're starting to get how much you could really use this—_us—_you give it up. I don't know what I need to do to let you see it."

"Just… don't." I sighed and closed my eyes tightly. "It's late, and I'm tired." More than anything, I wanted to go home. I wanted to get out of there and crawl in bed, and not wake up until Jacob had imprinted on someone. He sighed again.

"Alright, Bella. Let's go."

As we walked back to the car, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I let him. I wasn't sure I could make it back to the car without the support. The fire that had burned through him before was gone now, tempered. He was back to being my Jacob, the good-guy best friend that I knew I could rely on.

The ride back to the Blacks' was quiet. Jacob didn't try to talk much, after many failed attempts where I didn't respond properly, but as understanding as ever, he let it slide off his back well. I knew that it was because of his benevolent personality. He was relentless, confident, and eager. I didn't know if that was a good thing in my case. I knew he would not give up—even after a thousand nights like the one we'd just had, he wouldn't give up. Until he'd imprinted.

With less than an enthusiastic goodbye, I got in my imperious, obnoxious loaner car and drove home, leaving Jacob waving forlornly in the driveway. I didn't have the energy to put on some charade.

I hated what I was doing. I hated that in ways, he was right about everything. I had allowed him to love me without understanding that it would cause problems later. We were pawns in some strange game, played by some strange player. Was this how fate worked? Was fate a child playing a game by their own made-up rules? Who won? Did anyone?

Charlie was asleep when I got home, which I thought was good. I had told him that my car had broken down and that I had borrowed one from Edward, but I didn't feel like explaining _that_ car. I crept in quietly as to keep him sleeping.

Up in my room, I relaxed into the familiarity of the house, of Forks, and of my life. But there was something still so wrong about it. I felt off, like I was a stranger in my own home. I wanted to escape. I wanted to feel like me again, not this pieced-together, makeshift version of me.

It was late, already very early morning, and despite how tired I was, I knew I wouldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for a while, knowing it would not happen. So finally, I did the only thing I could think of that would right me, that would bring some sort of semblance of equilibrium back to my world, albeit temporary.

I picked up the phone, and dialed the number. It rang a few times and then there was the familiar click of the line. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

"Edward. I need to see you."

**Chapter Notes:** I am coming out now…please don't hate me. I know this might have seemed like a close call, but it wasn't. I promise. Bella just doesn't see at this point what she's really getting herself into. She's not naïve, just too hopeful to see the big picture. I know there wasn't a whole lot of Edward in this chapter—I know, it makes me sad too—but soon there will be, and he'll be back in full force. FULL force. PROMISE

I also want to say that if you live in Aberdeen, WA, I hope you know that I think your town is beautiful from what I've seen, and I hope that this chapter didn't put you off. Bella's a little distracted and holding ridiculous grudges against things at this point (like Edward's Gaurdian.) I didn't want to offend anyone who happens to read it from that neck of the woods! =)

PLEASE, please, PLEASE! Review. The more you review, the quicker we get more Edward! Yay! Thanks!


	8. Chapter 8: Realization

**A/N: ** Hey all! I want to apologize for the length of time between updates. I know how it is when you are waiting for an update, and the author leaves you hanging. Drives me nuts!

This chapter was a little hard for me, not because I find it to be too emotionally taxing or anything, but I wanted to get it just right. Hopefully, I do the feelings that Bella is having right now some justice. It will all be very important for coming chapters, so I revised and revised until it hurt.

My goal for this chapter is to get 10 new reviews! I know, lofty, but if I do, I've decided that I'm going to post a new one-shot up that I've been holding out on. It's sexy, steamy, and I know you'll love it…And I'd LOVE to post it, but I need reviews. I live off these crazy things! So all of you new people that have added me to your favorite stories or alerts—and you KNOW who you are—PLEASE post me a review, even if it's just a quick one. I would really appreciate hearing from you! Plus, you'll get a prize. Everyone wins! Yay!

**Disclaimer:** Characters & Twilight Saga references are Stephenie Meyer's. Not mine, which is really sad.

**VIII. Realization**

Edward sat with me on the front porch, looking off into the blackness. It was so late—or early, as the case may be—that birds were starting to chirp their goodmornings to us, though the sky was still dark as midnight. We'd been like that for almost two hours, since he'd gotten there after my call. He'd refused to stay upstairs, citing his very unfortunate rule, and so I'd elected that we go outside on the stoop, so that Charlie wouldn't hear should he wake up. It was still and pleasant out, and while I wished that he would just give in and join me in my room, this was the second best thing.

I didn't really know why I needed to see him so badly. Maybe it was because I just wanted physical affirmation that he still existed in my world. It had been hard to remember that lately, like I had only imagined his love for me. It all felt like a very long, very surreal dream. I felt like I'd woken up, and now I was dealing with serious bedhead and a crick in the neck. Annoying at best.

Neither of us spoke much, after he got over his initial concern over why I had called him over at two in the morning. It had taken him a while to calm down enough to let me explain that I only wanted his pressence. He was patient now as we sat side by side. He calmed my nerves just being there with me.

"Are you feeling better?" I didn't have to look at him to know that he was happy to be there with me, while being relieved simply by being able to be the one to comfort and protect me. I could feel it in his quiet words beside me, the way that his body vibrated with it, and the comfort that he, in turn, took from it. I smiled in reaction, and looked at him.

"I am. Thanks for coming over to keep me company."

"Well, I couldn't sleep either," he chuckled. I smiled at him. "You never did tell me what was wrong."

He waited for me, and I sighed. I wished I could tell him all the things that were wrong. I knew that he would wash all the fear and doubt and loneliness away. I wished he could do that now.

"I feel…" How did I go on? "…that everything is topsy-turvy right now. I guess I was just making sure you still existed. I wish I could make it all right for everyone."

For a long time, he just watched my face, contemplating me. Then he sighed.

"Bella, you can't control everything. Sometimes, you just need to let it work itself out. It will."

I looked at him, shocked. This was _not_ Edward. He didn't just "let things work themselves out." Edward was a master of overanalyzing, worrying, and trying to control things. Especially when it came to us.

"You're one to talk," I teased, nudging him playfully. Then I thought of something. "Speaking of which: would you mind telling me why you felt it necessary to purchase me a vehicle capable of taking on tanks and rocket launchers? Or better, why you _lied_ to me about it?" I raised my eyebrows at him, crossing my arms in front of me. He looked at me confused, then down a little sheepishly. I waited, giving him a deliberate look, only slightly miffed.

"Well," he started, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "First of all, it's only _borrowed—_I didn't actually _buy_ it outright, so you won't have to keep it forever. And as far as not telling you how sturdy it was, well, I thought it would be easier to not tell you what it could do. I thought you'd never take it."

"You would have been right! I wouldn't." I turned to him and poked him hard, square in the chest. I watched as my finger bent back at a strange angle, and I had to admit, it kind of hurt. But I wasn't going to let him know that. For one, I needed to stand my ground, and then there was the fact that he'd probably take it on himself and go around feeling guilty. He watched me for a while and was sad, and since I didn't want that, I eased up. Then I smiled lightly so that he knew I was only half serious.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely, but then he softened and his lips turned up at the corners. "Are you mad at me?"

I pretended to be for a moment, but couldn't stand it for long.

"No," I sighed. "I just wish that you would have told me."

"Okay, next time I buy you an expensive, highly impervious car, I'll be completely forthright about all the bells and whistles." His smile was brilliant.

"Next time, huh?" I nudged him again. He reached over and took my hand, rubbing the finger that was now painful from poking his rock hard body. The idea of hardness and his body and the cool feeling on the sore spot made me sigh. He smiled knowingly.

We sat silently the rest of the time, my hand resting softly in his, until the sun began to rise up over the earth. I knew he was getting ready to go. I knew that my father would be up soon, and the sun would be sparkling. When he rose, I wasn't surprised.

"I have to go," he said softly.

"I know. I wish you didn't have to though."

"Me too, Bella. Me too." He released my hand, looking at me meaningfully. He sighed comfortably, and smiled. Then he was gone. I hoped that someday, I would be able to handle disengaged goodbyes as well as Edward seemed to. The problem was that I was well aware that deep down, our goodbyes affected him as much as they did me.

With a final look into the tree line, I went back inside to get some much needed rest. And with memories of Edward's presence and the dulling pain of my pointer finger, I slept quite soundly.

***

My next few days went much the same way that the summer seemed to have been progressing, a steady string of nothingness: work, eat, sleep. No imprinting that I'd heard of, nothing that moved me any closer to the destination. Jacob, despite my rejection of him on our date, requested enthusiastically another one that Friday. I agreed, not because I was eager for it—in fact, the idea scared me a little after the last one—but because I didn't want to hurt him anymore. And even as I was thinking that I wanted to spare his feelings, I was questioning it. There was a little voice that whispered to me constantly that I should give this all up—that he was not the one whose feelings I should be worried about. But I pushed it aside again, the smaller picture too close in front of my face that I couldn't see around it.

He wanted to go see a movie. I inwardly groaned at that. For one, we didn't have good experiences with movies lately. Also, that wouldn't allow much wiggle room for outside interactions or possible imprinting. I only agreed because he'd suggested it. He said I could pick the movie, since I hadn't liked his choice the last time. I knew there would be little opportunity for him to meet the girl of his wolfy dreams, but I decided to throw this one night away as an outing simply to appease him. A wasted night.

Edward asked me over that night, too, and I regretted that I had to turn him down. Again. Though he didn't say anything, I finally saw a crack in his exterior. With all of my extra work lately, I didn't have much time for anything , and with the added pressure I put on myself concerning Jake, that meant I didn't have a lot of extra time for _him_. And I think a part of me was thankful, albeit a small part. It hurt me to even think about what I was doing to him, and seeing him only made it harder. And then of course, the rest of the Cullens only complicated things that much more. I loved them so much, and seeing them reminded me that I was doing this to them too. Only Alice was unaffected, and she didn't even really know why. She trusted our future. Edward was feeling neglected and lonely, and while I hated what I was doing and missed him terribly, it was easier. For me.

That didn't mean, though, that I didn't still dream about him. Nightly, I was haunted by dreams of Edward. They were always different. Sometimes, they would be frightening, like I was running to him and he was standing still, but no matter how hard I ran, I could never catch up to him. Or he would say to me in the most realistic of ways, _"Bella, I'm done. I won't jump through hoops for you anymore while you play your little games,"_ and then he'd walk away and leave me standing in the woods again. On those nights, I'd wake up in a cold sweat, hearing the whispered memory of his name on my lips.

Then there were the _other_ nights, where I would dream about him touching me, running his fingertips across my skin. He would kiss me, and whisper his love to me in the dark, and I would pant his name as my need for him rippled through my body. And I would wake, and hope that he was next to me, but the sheets would always be warm. Either way, the dreams were so realistic, and were driving me mad.

I tried not to think about these things as I drove home from work on Friday night. The one that I'd had the night before was especially heartbreaking. We were in our meadow. Somehow, his piano was there, resting comfortably in the clearing as if it was very natural to have a baby grand waiting for us out in the middle of nowhere. Edward was dressed in a suit, as if he were about to play a concert. He sat at the bench, and the most beautiful series of notes rose up from the efforts of his fingers. I closed my eyes, and dream me imagined those fingers on me. Then the dream shifted so that I was lying below his hands, and he was playing the melody on my stomach. The sensation tickled, and I giggled, but he shushed me lovingly, feigning irritation with a slight smirk. Somehow, the music still drifted through the air unaffected by the change, filling my head with the warmth and magic of his music, like my body was making the notes. And then I woke up. Ten hours later, I could not shake it. I wanted so badly to fall asleep, to see if I could get it back. I wanted so badly the feel of his love.

When I got home, Charlie was already there. He was another of my summer casualties. I felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks. The two of us just passed each other when we had free moments.

"Hey, Bells!" he greeted happily. "How was work?"

He was already seated comfortably in his worn chair, feet up. I smiled at the familiarity of it. If nothing else in my world was right, Charlie was the constant.

"Pretty good, I guess. Kind of slow for this time of year, though. You?"

"Not bad. Think we might have gotten a break on the Price burglary, so that's good." A couple of weeks ago, someone had broken into old Mrs. Price's house and taken a few pieces of her jewelry. None of it was exceedingly valuable, and no one was hurt, but it was a big deal in Forks. I nodded in silent congratulations and went into the kitchen to make dinner.

We had meatloaf. I sat down with my plate at the small kitchen table, Charlie across from me. He was already diving into his food by the time I got to the table. I set down a glass of milk in front of him.

"I'm going out with Jake again," I stated offhandedly. Charlie looked up at me happily.

"Honey, I'm glad to see you're giving Jake a real shot this time. I'm impressed. You guys are great together." He shoved another bite of meatloaf and ketchup in his mouth. I rolled my eyes.

I suddenly felt myself getting extremely irritated by this, though I didn't really know why. He was right, of course, but the fact that he liked to ignore Edward's presence in my life was annoying. I'd been on edge all day.

"Dad, we're just friends," I said through gritted teeth.

He didn't seem very convinced. "Okay, Bella. But still, it's good to see you spending time with him. He's been good to you, and he deserves good things. I appreciate what you're doing, that's all I'm saying."

I watched him carefully. He looked innocent enough, and when he didn't push it, I let it drop. I could accept that my father thought that Jake was good for me, or that he thought Edward had no right to have my forgiveness. I could even accept him voicing his opinions and urging me to keep my friendship—or more, in his opinion—with Jake secure. I would take that. But I didn't know if I'd be able to accept it if it was any more than that. Too many times, the men in my life had decided that they knew what was best for me. I would not have that any longer.

We finished dinner silently, our forks scraping the plates like fingers on a chalkboard. I would rather have that than the talking. I cleaned up the dishes in silence. I noticed Charlie trying to catch my eye, but I pointedly ignored him. He looked a little like he wanted to apologize, but I would not look at him long enough to allow him too, so he sighed, rose from the table, and went out to the living room to watch TV. I didn't like leaving things that way with Charlie, but I was honestly too drained to try and maneuver around it, so I just let it be. I could count on Charlie to not let it affect us much. He was easy like that.

I went upstairs and took a shower. I tried to scrub off the residual effect of the day, the ceaseless wandering of my brain. The water had a calming effect on me. I turned up the heat until it was nearly scorching my skin, and I relished in the way it made me feel. I closed my eyes for the longest time, breathing in the hot vapors. When I opened them, the room was fogged by the moisture in the air. I turned down the heat to a normal temperature and finished washing up.

I felt unsatisfied by the shower. I found myself turning down the temperature again until it gave me ridged goose bumps over my arms and legs and belly. My skin tightened and reacted to the change quickly. I closed my eyes again, concentrating on the cool water. It was strangely comforting. The droplets hit, one by one, over every inch of my flesh, reminding me of the feeling my dream evoked the night before.

There was a burning in me, despite the cold water hitting me. I ran my hands up and down my thighs to try to calm it, but it only encouraged it. Images of Edward and his hands and his eyes and his hair—all of _him_—intensified the fire in me. I grumbled in frustration, knowing that I would have to get ready to see Jake. That was not the state of mind I wanted to be in for our "date."

I wasn't excited about reliving the whole movie experience from a few weeks ago, but since it was just Jake and I, there was likely less drama to ensue. There were other things, though, that had me just as worried. For one, I didn't like that I had put Edward on the back burner so that I could date Jake. It seemed a little disloyal, and I wished this would all be over with soon. Plus, there was something about our interactions lately that had been making me uncomfortable, something in the way that Jake looked at me. I brushed it off, but it made me uneasy nonetheless.

I'd purposefully picked the newest released movie to see. I didn't even know what it was, some suspense movie about cheating the grim reaper or something. I thought the concept was pertinent in my case. It got pretty bad reviews from the critics, but it wouldn't stop the throngs of teenagers from going to see it. Not really my cup of tea, but it didn't matter. It just mattered that we were going to see it on opening weekend, when the rest of the population hadn't seen it yet and wanted to.

I took as long as possible getting ready. Jake arrived after I'd gotten out of the shower and waited patiently down with Charlie while I got ready. I changed three times. I did my hair twice. I brushed my teeth again. I decided at the last minute to paint my nails. When I came down the stairs, he was waiting by the door, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Sheesh, Bella. We're going to miss the previews," he grumbled.

In response, I lifted my eyebrows and waggled my still-wet fingers at him. He rolled his eyes.

We did miss the previews, and even a minute or two of the opening credits. When we got there, the theater was packed with teenagers, most of whom were coupled off. I recognized a couple of kids from high school, mostly younger than me. Jake stood at the bottom of the theater, tapping his foot, trying to find the open seats among the audience. He settled on two seats near the exit, on the aisle. This did not make him happy. I was relieved.

More than anything, I dreaded getting there early and having to sit in the very back of the theater with him, his intended location. We took our seats quickly, apologizing to those who we had to walk in from of to get to our seats. Jake sat down in a huff, unhappy that we weren't there early enough for prime seating.

Even in missing a few minutes of the movie, it was not as if we'd really missed much. From what I could tell, the critics had been right. The actors were all B-list, and pretty bad, and the special effects were only mediocre at best. I wasn't really watching the movie, at least not enough to be able to tell anyone about it who asked. I'm sure there was a plot, though really, it looked just like any other gruesome suspense movie whose goal it was to shock rather than inspire.

I scanned the crowd as much as possible without eliciting suspicion from Jake or the others around us, but found nothing that I was searching for. I knew that I wouldn't, but I was still hoping that by some force, he would be drawn to someone in this room. I imagined it my head, him standing up in the middle of the movie, and her in turn, and searching for each other in the dark, one on each side of the room. Then they'd catch each other's eyes even in the crowded, pitch black theater, and rush to each other, stepping over people in their path just to get to the center of the room. In slow motion, they'd throw their bodies against one another. I preferred the movie playing out in my mind to the one on the screen in front of me, and I smiled at how cheesy I'd imagined it.

So I was slightly surprised when I felt him shift next to me and the hairs stand up on my arm in reaction to his proximity to me.

I felt his fingers move towards me in the dark, reaching out to have some contact with my skin. I tilted my hand up in anticipation, playing the dutiful date for him, because that was what was expected of me. I could give him that much. How many times had I held his hand in friendship? It was natural, the contact of his skin on my hand reassuring and gentle. But instead of reaching and intertwining his fingers comfortably with mine, I felt his hot palm rest flatly on my knee.

At first, the gesture was innocent enough. I had come to expect these kinds of things from Jake. He was confident and sure of my love for him, and while these types of things may have felt intrusive from someone else, they did not from Jake. He was so many things to me, that I couldn't fault him for his desire to touch me, to reassure his place in my life with his hand lovingly on my knee.

But then his hand travelled up further, over my kneecap and up until his palm was waiting on my thigh. This, too, did not surprise me, but it was not as welcome. His hand stayed still, so I did not move it. I ignored its presence as best as I could, which I hoped would tell him that, while I would not swat him away, I would not engage it.

If it had been Edward, I would have moved my leg until he was rubbing it with his strong hands. The loving, intimate caress would have been encouraged. I would have leaned into him. I would have placed my hand over his and angled my body towards his. I would look at him with all the love that I had for him, and my thigh would have burned even hotter than Jacob could ever make me. But with Jake, I couldn't do those things. I didn't _want _to do those things.

I focused all my energy at staying as still as possible. I couldn't notice anything else besides the uncomfortable warmth on my leg that was telling me that something about it was not right. I felt rigid and trapped, but I did not want to hurt him, so I retreated into myself. It was an easy enough task.

And then it was not, because his hand started to move against my leg, massaging it. Jacob was not rude or aggressive in the way that some girls might have expected an overeager date to be, and I knew that he would never cross that line that made the act inappropriate. In fact, if we had been on a real date—which he thought we _were_—the act would have been reasonable and likely welcomed. To him, it was completely acceptable. We were Bella and Jake. We were good together. We were as close as we could be. Except, we were not close like the way that he was hoping. He did not know that, but I did, and with every moment that his hand continued to rub and knead, I felt like more of a traitor to my body and heart.

I realized the gravity of the situation. This act was loving, and personal, and _sexy_. Because that is exactly how Jake _wanted_ it to be. There was no misinterpreting the situation here. He might as well have pinned me down and kissed me, or pushed his body into me, because in that moment, I saw that he not only wanted to have me reciprocate the love that he had, but he wanted to show me how much he lusted for me too.

It had been a fact that I'd ignored. It was something that, while I knew in the back of my mind that it existed, I pushed it aside for fear of dealing with it. When he'd held my hand, or wrapped me up tightly, or tried to kiss me—and then when he actually did—had been signs of how deeply he craved me, with his teenage desires. But they had been clues that I conveniently swept under the rug. I had chosen to ignore the evidence of how deep the fire burned, but I could not any longer. This simple act had enlightened me as to how fragile the ground was that I was treading on. How close I was to the edge, and in how much danger I was of slipping.

A part of me had thought that our relationship—at least the relationship that he _perceived _us to have—was outside of the realm of this physical desire. Jake was _beautiful_, but when I looked at him, I admired him the way that one might admire a great work of art or a historic building, appreciating it for what it represented. But I did not lust for him. I did not think about him when I was lying in my bed at night. I did not imagine myself in his arms, or see myself whispering his name in his ear as he brought me to new heights that I'd never experienced before. And I did not want him to take me to those places. I do not know why I had refused to see it, but I didn't look at our relationship that way, and I didn't really think about it long enough to imagine he did either. I knew that he was in love with me, and _I_ had those feelings for the one I loved, but I didn't really think about that in terms of how Jacob Black could feel about me. I'd ignored it in a subconscious effort to avoid it, but in this small act of intimacy, I saw that he _did _want that from me—all of it. I'd simply been to naïve to acknowledge it before.

I stood up abruptly and rushed out, letting Jacob's hand fall clumsily off my leg. I glanced in his direction just enough to see the confusion and hurt on his face, to see that he was worried and angry and flustered all at the same time. I felt a twinge of guilt for my haste, but the knowledge that I'd newly acquired was enough to push it away dismissively.

He was not far behind me as I pushed my way out the glass double doors of the theater loudly, the warm night air slapping me in the face. I didn't turn around when I heard him come out. I wanted to get out of there and run far away from this. I wanted to run to where I knew I would feel safe. I wanted to run to where I knew everything was right.

"Bella! Bella, what's wrong!?" he called after me. I heard the panic and bewilderment in his voice as he tried to access my abrupt departure. I didn't turn as I walked back to his car. I felt him behind me as he approached, easily gaining on me. "Bella!"

I finally turned and he was right behind me. Without warning, he pulled me into his arms tightly. He squeezed me, sliding his hands up and down my back lovingly, comfortingly. He'd done it many times before, but it was somehow different. It was too much and I pushed him away gently as to not hurt his feelings too much. I was amazed that I was able to stay so in control, so aware of his feelings, in light of how I was feeling.

"I'm sorry. I just need to go home."

He looked at me with concern. "Are you sick?"

I nodded, as this seemed to be the best and easiest explanation. It was true that my insides were turning, wrenching like a typhoon was in my stomach. I was revolted, not by Jake, but by _me_. I deeply regretted what had happened between us that night, not only for the way Jake must have been feeling, but for everything. I realized how far in I was, without hope of resurfacing unmarked by it. I knew I could not give up until he imprinted, and it terrified me, because I now understood that _Edward_ saw all this in a way that I had not. I went into a near comatose state, feeling guilty for everything. He wordlessly got me into the car and drove me home. I was thankful that he didn't speak much. He dropped me off, passing me off to Charlie. That was the end of our date.

The next morning, I felt that I'd overreacted, and felt terrible for it. With a night of restless sleep, I thought I'd worked myself up for nothing. The act had truly been innocent. It was not as if he kissed me or forced himself on me. Jake would never do that—although, once he did do that, but that wasn't the same. Why had I been so unnerved? Hadn't I accepted this long ago? Hadn't I allowed for it? I couldn't ever deny that Jacob loved me, and that in normal relationships, the physical attraction came with it. I had known that, and I had accepted it as a possibility when I set out to do this. I decided that I just had to ignore it. It took two to tango…right?

He called me in the morning to check on me, giving me the opportunity to apologize for wanting to leave so abruptly.

"I'm so sorry that I was such terrible company last night." I tried to laugh a little for his benefit, though my heart still ached just a little. I hoped the effort would be well received, and that I hadn't broken him.

He laughed easily and I calmed. "Bells, you don't have to apologize for being sick. Are you feeling better?"

I was. I had time to think things over, and I came to two conclusions. One, that I knew this all along in one form or another, and two, that it shouldn't stop me. I had come so far. I would not let a little detail like lust get the better of my mission. Plus, the only way to fully resolve this for all parties involved would be to have Jacob imprint.

"Yeah. I don't know what was wrong with me."

"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better again. I was worried about you." His voice was laced with concern, and it made me smile. Here in the daylight, in my own home, and with a whole night of sleep under my belt, it was easy to love him for his concern. It was easy to push aside the feelings of unrest that had overtaken me last night.

Neither of us said anything for a long while. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"So, you think we can try again soon? I feel a little bit jilted." He sounded so young over the phone, a vast comparison to the towering man that he was in person. I laughed, completely comfortable with him again.

"Sure, Jake. But I am definitely done with going to the movies for a really long time." He agreed and we hung up. I was even more resolved to finish this thing out, and make everything right again. I'd let too much go already to stop.

**Chapter Notes: ** A little steaminess, a little Edward love. All good. Bella's starting to get there. Baby steps. I promise, Edward will be back soon.

Now, REVIEW. Please? I really can't wait to hear what you all think so far! Plus, I REALLY want to be able to post that one-shot! Thanks!


	9. Chapter 9: Stronger Man

**A/N: **Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I got so many wonderful notes, and I truly appreciate each and every one. If you haven't reviewed yet or in a while, I'd love to hear from you about how you think the story is going so far. I didn't quite make my quota for the new post, but if I get at least 10 more for these next two chapters, I will post it. SO REVIEW!

I want to thank CullenFest for all her totally AWESOME support. She is a true gem for all her effort, and I truly appreciate every suggestion. It was because of her that I bring you TWO (count them, 2!) chapters right away. This was turning into a REALLY long one, and I chose to split it up upon her recommendation. But then there's no need to let you wait for the second! YAY!

I know all you Edward fans are waiting for him to make his triumphant return, and we are SO close. I am too, actually! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I thought it was kind of fun!

**Disclaimer:** Characters & Twilight Saga references are Stephenie Meyer's. Not mine. I just play with their heads.

**IX. **** Stronger Man**

At what point I had agreed to date Jacob, I couldn't remember. Everything was becoming more complicated than it should have been. I wanted Edward. This was just a means to an end. I was doing this so that _we_ could have a future—a future that was free of interference and worry and regret—and so that Jake could too. I wanted to stop hurting him. I didn't have to hurt him anymore if he imprinted, and I wouldn't need to feel like I owed him so much. Because I practically owed him my life. This was the easiest way to get there, and that was all it was. _Right?_

My date with Jake had strengthened my resolve to continue on with my mission, but I was still confused. I was beginning to question everything that I had known, without any doubt, before. I was torn between what I knew I wanted and what Jake knew _he_ wanted. When I was with him, it was hard not to love him—not in the same way that I loved Edward, of course, but it was still love nonetheless. He radiated with it in a way unlike anything I could have ever imagined possible. If Jacob could win by sheer drive, he might. He wanted this like a dying man would want redemption.

Was I somehow losing sight of the plan? The thought alone had me frightened. I repeated my mantra in my head daily: _He loves you. You love him. This is all part of your sick, twisted plan. It's only temporary_. But I realized that I hadn't done much to encourage any forward movement. I **had** tried, but found myself hitting a brick wall every time. Sometimes, it was my fault, sometimes it was Jake's, and sometimes I felt that the universe was aligned against me in this ploy. The worst part about it was that I couldn't make sense of anything anymore. In fact, I seemed to be dividing myself even more than I had been before.

I thought I knew what I wanted, and I was sure that I had everything under control, but when I was out with Jacob, I often forgot that I was supposed to be searching for something. He was so easy, so natural. I didn't have the same tingling tightening reaction of my belly that I had when Edward was around. We laughed together, and I could tell him almost anything. When we were out together I found myself slipping into the comfort that he offered, and I often times let myself wander away from the task that I, myself, had set up.

I felt like a totally different person. In the past two years I had changed in ways I never thought possible. I used to know exactly how my life would turn out. I had everything planned. I knew I would not turn out like my parents. I knew I would do the responsible thing, go to school, get a career—all the things that made sense in the realms of adulthood.

Since coming to Forks, my world had been flipped upside down over and over again. The me that I had been was such a distant memory at that point that I didn't even know if it had really ever been me. I wasn't complaining, but as I sat waiting for Jake to pick me up—again—for another date, I realized I was unrecognizable **as**that girl. I was also realized that my viewpoint of myself might change yet again, and it frightened me. I was once again at a crossroads, and I wasn't sure how to proceed.

How had I gone from knowing what my future held—the man that I loved and the family that I dreamed about, for all eternity—to being so unsure about everything? I couldn't even pick out my socks anymore! I'd thought I'd had everything all figured out, but I was lost, by no one's fault but my own.

I called Edward every day, or saw him as much as I could, but there was something hanging between us that I couldn't place. **It ripped me apart.** He seemed detached, and I didn't know if it was me imagining that or if I was losing him. Every conversation ended with my telling him how much I missed him, how sorry I was that I'd been so busy, and that I loved him. He told me he knew, and tried to reassure me that he was still waiting patiently. But he never said I love you back.

Every time, I felt a piece of me fall away.

And I wondered if I was too late. I focused on that thought for all of two seconds until the blackness and the despair of it was so much so that I couldn't stand, so I pushed it away. What would I do if that was the case? How could I continue to breathe when my oxygen—my life force— was sucked away? The pain was crippling as I fought for the healing air that I needed so much. **This** was what strengthened my resolve more than anything: more than the knowledge of Jacob's affections, more than the idea of losing the future that I wanted so dearly, was the idea that I _couldn't_survive if Edward was not in my life. It was all about self preservation.

But I'd be an idiot not to admit that Jake's desire **for me** didn't affect me. I found myself thinking about his hand on my leg. It was comforting, and grounding, and **although** I didn't mean to think about it, I did. It was not the same way that I thought about Edward, but it was there, and he was there, and there was something very stable about Jake. I knew **that**, unless he imprinted, he wouldn't disappear. We had a history that was undeniable, and I took great comfort in him. That is what confused me the most. How could there possibly be two men that fit me so well, in their own ways? It made my head spin and depressed me.

I was lost in my thoughts as Jake drove up into the drive, so much so that I didn't even notice he was there until he was standing in front of me. A playful look of curiosity crossed over his face as I looked up into it. The sun was in the middle of the sky and it glowed behind him like a halo. I smiled up at him happily, squinting to see him. Despite my melancholy, I was actually quite eager to go with him today. The plans had been mine, and I **had**resolved to make today **count:****because** I _needed_ it to work.

I'd promised him that I would make up for the date that I **had** stormed out on, and he had said I could pick something to do. I eagerly sought out things to do that would take us far away from La Push. My internet research gave me lots of ideas but I finally settled on Sequim. They were holding their annual Lavender Festival, and this year they were scheduled to have a carnival as part of the festivities. There **were**supposed to be carnival rides and games, and since it had been years since I **had been** to a fair, I thought it sounded like something new and interesting to do.

It was far away from Forks and the reservation, which suited my plans well, and it seemed like a good "date" setting. Plenty of crowds and daylight was up my alley, and I knew that it would be enjoyable enough that Jake would easily agree. And he did. Though the drive was another long one, he thought it sounded like a fantastic idea. We decided to head out shortly after noon, and he was going to drive. I felt a little bad, since his car was far from new and we'd been putting on tons of miles. I reluctantly offered to drive, but he brushed it aside. I was a little relieved, considering I wanted nothing to do with my newly acquired car unless it was absolutely necessary.

The day was pleasant and warm, the sun shining brightly overhead. I was thankful for this, not only because of our plans for the day, but because it provided an excuse why I couldn't see Edward. It turns out I didn't need it. Carlisle had stayed home that morning, and they were all going to go far out of town to hunt. Edward told me that he was going with them, and I sighed. I was surprised he wouldn't skip out to spend time with me, but I was also a little relieved. Despite the fact that I missed him so much it hurt, it was easier this way. I didn't want to hurt him anymore either.

I was starting to get sick of car trips, but I tried my best to make the experience enjoyable. It was pertinent to the lie—I _had_ told Jake that I wanted to take these trips to spend more time alone with him. In the light of the day, it was easier to enjoy it. I printed up a scavenger hunt game for the car ride, and Jake and I played I Spy. We got halfway down the list of the scavenger hunt and gave up. But it didn't matter. The time passed quickly as we drove, comfortable with each other's company.

"What made you want to go to the Lavender Festival?" Jake asked me after we got done playing the License Plate game, realizing that the only plates we'd seen were Washington ones.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I thought it would be fun to go to a carnival. It's been so long since I've been to one. Who doesn't love cotton candy and Tilt-A-Whirls?" He laughed, nodding to himself.

"You know what I really love? _Funnel cakes!_ You know what I'm talking about?" I nodded knowing_exactly_ what he was referring too. The squiggly fried tangle of dough, covered in confectioner's sugar. Most people loved those things, but I hated them. I thought they were disgusting, all greasy and gross. I shook my head at the memory of having to eat one, but laughed at the wild look in his eyes over them.

"Tell you what, we'll get you one. It's on me!"

When we arrived mid-afternoon, the festival was in full swing. Sequim was about twice the size of Forks. **Its** proximity to Port Angeles was more desirable in that there was more to do. We parked a few blocks over and meandered our way through the streets, browsing through the vender booths of lavender-themed gifts. Tents and booths lined the main street on all sides, and the road was blocked off from traffic, so the streets swarmed with people. I got excited at that, and **although**many of the patrons were much too old for Jake, I wondered if that even mattered in the grand scheme of things.

We wandered unhurriedly through the crowds taking in the sights. Jacob was happy to go slowly with me, looking through all the various goods that were for sale, everything from home-made soap to lavender-infused barbecue sauce, to jewelry embedded with lavender springs under resin. Farmers sold their lavender blooms in big clusters, dried and hanging from their tents. The air smelled fresh, the scent of lavender permeating ever inch of the busy street. The tiny purple flowers were everywhere you looked, for sale or decorating the stalls for the festival. Their pungent, musky bouquet calmed me and made me wistful, the heady fragrance reminding me of Edward. His scent was different, sweeter, but similar enough that I wished that he were there with me.

As we got closer to the middle of the market, the crowds became thicker. Jacob reached back and took my hand so that he wouldn't lose me as we pushed our way around the throngs of people that were shopping in the street. I watched him carefully to see if he noticed anyone, but he just pushed his way through without any distraction.

We emerged after nearly an hour, and the scent of the flowers clung to our clothes. Jacob didn't drop my hand as we made our way north to the carnival. It was not far, just a few blocks, located in one of the high school's athletic fields. As we neared, we could see the rides and games reflecting off the sky as the larger ones peeked up over the school into view.

The grounds were tightly compacted into the space, though already I could see how busy it was, even in the late afternoon. Hope bubbled in my chest as multitudes of teenagers made their way past us on their way to the rides. Many of them seemed slightly younger than Jake, but I reasoned **it**didn't matter. He would wait for whoever he needed to, and then they would grow together as if they had always been the same age. The concept boggled my mind, but I was thankful that it left more options open.

He pulled me along with him as we walked through the carnival midway towards the center of the fair. Carnies hollered out to us, taunting us to play their games, which I was sure were rigged. Jake avoided eye contact with them, for the most part, as we took in the sights around us.

"So what do you want to do first?" We had perched ourselves just outside of jeering range.

I looked around, unsure of where to proceed. For the moment, there were not too many people down by the games, and I wasn't sure I wanted to endure more harassment.

"How about some rides?" I figured that there would be more people our age there.

"Great!" he said enthusiastically. I smiled at his happy gait as he threw his arm around me and pulled me to the ticket booth. It was cheaper for us to buy wristbands, so we both got bright pink bands secured around our wrists, and we were off.

We started off with the bumper cars, just because they were closest to the ticket booth. They were popular, and there was a line to get into the tent that housed the cars. We got in line and leaned against the railing casually, facing each other. I scanned the groups of teenagers around us. They were busily talking in their groups, and every now and then I'd hear the high pitched squeal of a girl, or the boisterous laughter of a teen boy. I was watching them intently until I heard Jake cough to get my attention. He was watching me and smiled lazily when our eyes met. I cocked my head to the side and smiled back.

"What?"

His grin widened, and he shook his head.

"Nothing," he said. "I was just wondering what you were thinking." The phrase reminded me of Edward's constant speculations, and I looked away, suddenly feeling guilty.

"Join the club," I muttered. He looked at me confused for a moment, and it looked like he was going to say something, but the line moved ahead and it was our turn to get into the ride.

We played, bumping into each other and the other teens on the ride. I tried to watch out for Jake, to see if he noticed any of the girls that he keep running into, but he seemed to only be focused on the task of trying to jar his fellow drivers as hard as possible. I ended up getting stuck in a corner, and was thankful when the timer buzzed and we were told to get out. Jake found me near the exit. He looked younger, full of excitement.

"That was great! Where were you?"

"Stuck in a corner," I complained. He laughed at that, and threw his arm around me casually as we exited into the fairway again. Upon his request, we got in line for the Scrambler. I had never liked it, as I **had**always gotten squished as it spun around. I hadn't ridden on it since I was little, and I was a little worried about riding with someone as large as Jacob. I'd come out squashed like a pancake.

He crawled into the hovering car of the ride first, which would help with the momentum. He propped himself in the corner comfortably with his arm over the back of it, inviting me to sit next to him. By the look on his face, I could tell he was pleased with the fact that I'd be forced into his side by the movement of the ride and there wasn't much I could do about it.

"I've been looking forward to this ride," he said mischievously, wagging his eyebrows at me. I shook my head and sat next to him. As we sat still waiting for the ride operator to come and check the safety latch, I quickly looked around at the cars around us. There were a few teens Jake's age, but he didn't seem too interested as he stared down at me affectionately.

The ride began slowly, and I was able to keep in my seat well enough at first. I dreaded the centrifugal force that I knew would slide me right into Jake's waiting arms. I knew it was unavoidable, and all in good fun. But I also knew that it would mean more to him than it did to me, and I felt bad inviting it. Soon enough, though, the ride picked up pace, and the force was so great that I couldn't brace myself against it. My rear end led me, until I was plastered against Jake's chest. He wrapped his arm around me, holding me even tighter than necessary as the ride flung us back and forth over and over again. Jake's heat radiated through me from my back.

By the time the ride slowed and stopped, I was ready to put some safe distance between us. I flew out of the suspended seat and towards the exit, without really even checking to see if he was following me. When he caught up with me, he looked confused but before he could question me about it, I pulled him towards another ride and got in line. I wasn't even concerned with what it was. I was willing to ride anything, as long as it didn't mean any physical contact.

We spent the rest of the afternoon riding on carnival rides, and I found myself mellowing out quite a bit. I didn't know what was wrong with me. This was _Jake_. He was not someone that I needed to feel uncomfortable around. But the more he touched me and held my hand, the more I wanted to run away. I fought back the feelings, willing myself to enjoy his company and the day. I kept a constant lookout for girls that might catch his eye and pull him away, but anyone I found didn't hold his interest for more than a second. The way he was looking at _me_, however, was different. It was as if he could see nothing but me, and it frustrated me.

Taking a break from the rides, we wandered over to where they were selling food. I ordered a slice of pizza and Jake got two large cheeseburgers with the works, an order of fries, and a shake. I laughed as he carried the enormous mound of food to a nearby picnic table. He handed me my pizza, and kept the rest of the food for himself. He munched happily on his food while we talked about the summer. I conveniently avoided talking about Edward and the rest of the Cullens. He was in such a great mood that I didn't want to ruin it.

After, we decided to go play some games, giving our stomachs a chance to rest. By now, the sun was disappearing into the horizon. The lights from all the games lit everything brightly, and more people were arriving by the minute. I focused once again on my mission.

Jake took my hand as we walked past the games. Like before, carnival workers called out and teased, trying to get our money. Jake was content to ignore them for the most part. I looked around, taking in my surroundings and all the people that were playing. Men were playing games with pretty girls next to them, trying to impress them, and teenage boys hooted and hollered as their friends tried to outdo the others. My heart panged sharply every time we passed a couple embracing. Pre-teen girls in tight clothes walked back and forth in groups trying to get the older boys attention, and more than once, I caught them looking at Jake. For really the first time that day, I looked at him too, and could appreciate why they were looking at _me _evilly. He was wearing a tight-fitting black t-shirt that formed over his arms like a second skin, and faded jeans. His dark hair and warm, intense eyes were amplified by the dark night, and the carnival lights sparkled in them. It struck me how lucky I must look to them to be here with him. Little did they know that I longed to be holding someone else's hand.

It surprised me that Jake was able to withstand the carnies' taunts. He good-naturedly let them roll off his back, taking their ploys in stride, even laughing a little at the really ridiculous ones. I thought their harassment was annoying. Just when we were about to make our way back to the rides, we passed the Strong Man game. Jake tilted his head to it and laughed.

"Those things are such a joke," he said. "They are always rigged." We continued to walk.

"Well, maybe that's because you're a wuss!" We both turned at the sound, as it startled us with **its** nearness. Behind us, leaning casually against the bell, swinging the mallet easily, the carnie was smiling an eerie sneer. He was your stereotypical carnival worker, gaunt and tall, and looked as though he needed a shower. I didn't think they actually _looked_like that. His black hair was matted to his head from a long day of hard work under the sun, and his eyes sparkled as he took us in.

"What?" he looked confused. Clearly he wasn't talking to Jake, as his muscles rippled just from turning. He clearly had not called the solid boy I was standing next to a 'wuss.'

"Even that pretty little lady next to you could do it." He smiled. Jake narrowed his eyes and glared at him. He was about to turn when the carnie continued, "Aww, come on! You're not going to let her walk out of here without a prize. You want me to do it for her? I bet there's someone back home who'd _love_ to win her something!"

The snarl ripped through the night, and a few nearby teenagers looked in our direction. Jake's face was a mix of rage and loathing, and I reached for his arm to still him but missed. He was already marching off toward the carnie, who held out the mallet to him, a smug smile on his cracked lips. He wrenched the mallet from his hands and I winced.

I wanted to stop him, but I wasn't sure I could. He was so angry, he was almost unrecognizable and I knew why. I knew exactly who he was picturing would win me a prize, and the reminder of him was enough to set him into a downward spiral. He forcefully shoved the money into the carnie's palm and raised the mallet up over his head.

For a second, it seemed as if time stopped, and the mallet stayed suspended in midair. I wasn't sure how he was able to hold it in that position for so long, and wondered if he might have hurt himself, when he let out a loud growl and slammed the mallet into the pad.

With supernatural speed, the weight flew up and crashed into the bell at the top with such force that it rang out above the noise of the carnival. My hands flew up in reaction. It happened so fast that I didn't really realize what was happening until the dust had cleared. At the top of the game, stuck up under the bell was the weight. Jake had managed to hit it so hard that it hung on, and broke the bell in the process. It teetered loosely at the top. His body heaved with ragged breaths as he glared angrily at the shocked, wide-eyed carnie. Without another word, he reached up and grabbed down a giant black and white panda bear that came up past my waist. Jake took it from him gruffly and returned to my side, grabbing my hand. He shoved it in my arms and led me away from the games.

I didn't know what to say. I knew what had caused his rage, and it made me feel guilty. But it soon passed, as I began to see the hilarity of the situation. I began laughing uncontrollably. Jake turned to me, confused and upset, but when he saw my face, his roughness broke, and he joined me. After a couple minutes of laughing easily with me, he was back to his old self.

"I don't think we should go back to the games for a while," I said between giggles.

"I agree. Come on!" He took my hand and led me back down to the ride area, my panda dragging behind me like a third wheel.

Chapter Notes: I'd love it if you reviewed! That would make my day...I'm just saying. Thanks in advance =) Now on to the next part!


	10. Chapter 10: Gravitron

**A/N: ** No need for long notes on this one. Read and review!

**Disclaimer:** Characters & Twilight Saga references are Stephenie Meyer's. Not mine. I would have done so much more with Edward and showers…I'm just saying.

**X. Gravitron**

The evening had not been going exactly as I'd planned. While I was having a great time, I hadn't seen anyone spark Jake's interest other than me, and it was a little frustrating. Plus, like always, I kept losing sight of the fact that I needed to keep my eye out for this elusive other woman, and I wondered if I'd missed her. Maybe she'd been right there, and I'd missed her because I was tripping in the funhouse.

After trying to haul around the giant panda bear for thirty minutes, I finally handed it off to a little girl waiting in line for the carousel. She couldn't have been older than six, and she jumped up and down excitedly over the black and white bear that stood taller than her. Her mother thanked us for the gift. I was happy to get rid of it. As hard as Jake had to work to win it for me, I was not looking forward to explaining it to Edward if he ever decided to visit my room again. I was worried that Jake might have been upset that I'd given it away, but the look on his face told me that he was just as pleased that the little girl could have such an impressive prize. I nudged him knowingly, and he smiled brightly. It was just one more endearing quality that made up his personality.

We tried out a few more rides, including the Ferris Wheel. I was eager to get on it and see far above the crowds. Despite all the distractions, I hadn't lost sight of my goal, and I knew that the giant wheel would give me a bird's eye view of all the fair-goers. It would also give Jacob a chance to see _her_. The movie in my mind of his imprinting shifted gears: instead of their movie theatre encounter, he would see a beautiful young woman from the top of the ride, and he'd call down to her. In that instant they would be drawn to each other, and she'd wait for him to descend from the top. Then they'd lock eyes and float away together, and I'd happily have to find my own ride home. I knew who I'd call.

And as we travelled up to the top on the ride, I frantically searched for her. Jake sensed my tension, and misinterpreting, he pulled me back and into him, rocking the seat. I felt his hand reach around me until they rested on my opposite hip. In the gentle breeze of the rotating wheel, he relaxed next to me closing his eyes. He sighed deeply contented, and snuggled me closer. He nuzzled my hair, and I felt his warm breath on my head as he breathed me in. I had nowhere to go, and I focused on having the ride end. I'd never felt so trapped in all my time with Jake. When finally the ride ended, I bolted up so fast it made the whole seat rock.

This was starting to become a trend. I wanted to get back to the casual playfulness that I was supposed to share with him, so I walked toward the more intense rides. I needed something distracting, that would put distance between me and the thoughts that were swirling in Jake's head. Something easier.

We approached a strange looking ride that I hadn't noticed before. It was shaped like a spaceship and it was spinning out of control. In the dark, it was hard to miss, all lit and screaming. I wasn't sure if that was the people inside or the ride itself, but it looked distracting. I pointed to it.

"What's the _Gravitron_?" I asked Jake as he came up behind me. We both stared at the strangely foreign ride.

"Hmm. I don't know. Let's find out." Together, we made our way up the ramp to the entrance. From up close, it really _did_ look like a spaceship, and I felt like we were about to take off into the sky. Inside, a circular railing was in the center, and along the walls were black angled pads. There were no seats, and I watched the others in front of me as they casually leaned against the mats facing the middle. We were in a round room, the hollowed out center of the vessel.

As the ride began, it spun, picking up pace quickly. Before I knew it, I was pushed against the pad, my back squishing securely against it. I tried to move my arms and legs, but they felt like they weighed a ton, and they flopped back down on their own accord. The sensation of spinning so quickly put pressure all over my body and in my head, and I found it dizzying, but it was welcome, like warmth. It made me numb as we spun at 3G's, and I found myself laughing at the feeling of it. The benches that we were on slid up to the ceiling as we swirled faster than imaginable. It was exhilarating, and the tips of my fingers tingled. When it slowed and ended, it was too soon for me. I got down slowly, wobbling just a little, and made my way to the door with the rest of the riders.

As we got off the Gravitron, I staggered a little down the metal ramp to the steady ground below. My equilibrium was all but gone from the fast gravity defying spin that we'd just taken, and my head felt a little constricted now that we were back again. This was not generally a good thing for someone like me. I stood still for a moment, trying to steady my legs, grasping the railing surrounding the ride. A couple of deep breathes, and I was pretty good again, grounded by the normal lack of movement. I couldn't believe how fun it was. Where else could you be spun like a top until your feet leave the floor?

I turned around to tell Jake how much I'd enjoyed it, but he was not right behind me. For a second, I panicked, wondering how I had lost him. He's been right behind me as we left the ride. Then I saw him, and for a moment I felt the relief rush over me. Until I really looked at him, that is. He too had clutched the edge of the railing, trying to steady himself from the sea legs that the ride had given, but he had yet to let go. Upon closer inspection, he was sweating and his eyes looked heavy as he tried to stand upright with no luck. I couldn't believe my eyes, seeing my tall, strong friend crumpled with sickness.

I went over to him quickly, and grabbed his arm. He looked up at me and I could see how tired he was, his eyes sunken and skin washed out.

"Jake! Are you okay?" I tried to support him, but his weight was too much. He straightened as much as he could, but the sick look on his face did not disappear.

"Yeah," he said, struggling to maintain his manliness in front of me. "I just need to eat something. Get something in my stomach."

I looked at him disapprovingly from under his heavy arm, unsure about his assessment.

"Jake, are you sure? I mean, if you're not feeling well…"

He straightened completely, no longer using me for support. His face became determined, and marched off to the nearest food trailer. It was bright pink, lit up by the hundreds of bare yellow bulbs that ran in rows over its outside. It had brightly painted pictures of cotton candy, lemonade, and pretzels all over.

"I'm fine now. I'm starving, and that ride really threw me for a loop." He smiled at me, though I could see that he was trying hard to maintain the façade. I looked up at him, still unsure whether this was a good idea.

"Okay, I guess. I'll buy." I hesitated but finally approached the counter and looked up into the high booth at the man. "One lemonade and…" I looked at Jake expectantly.

"One funnel cake," he told the man behind the window. Immediately, he went to work, filling our order. I grimaced as he picked up the funnel, messily filled with batter, and squeezed the handle over the fryer. Thick noodles of batter poured out of it into the oil, snaking and winding themselves over each other until they formed a tangle of fried dough. He removed it as it turned golden brown and plopped the heap on a plate. Then he took a cylinder of powdered sugar and dusted it heavily all over. I watched as the sugar melted into the doughnut, mixing with the hot oil that pooled on the surface and shown. He placed it on the counter and went to get my lemonade.

Jake reached around me and took it, wafting the smell to me. It made my stomach turn slightly, the aroma of overused grease and sickeningly sweet sugar, and I wondered how Jake could possibly want that after feeling so ill. He eyes were huge as he looked at the spaghetti-like clump.

"Want some?" he offered, but I shook my head quickly, reached for my just-delivered drink, and paid the man. He dove into the funnel cake, licking goo off his fingertips as he quickly devoured it.

At first, it looked like he had been right, as he greedily ate the mound of dough. My mood lightened at that, happy that he was feeling better. We wandered around the carnival grounds for awhile, while Jake munched his funnel cake and I sipped my lemonade. The sun had disappeared, and the lights from the rides and games illuminated the small area around them, deceptively bright. We were making another round past the carnies, and Jake's treat was almost gone, when he suddenly stopped with a horrified expression on his face. He searched around frantically, tossing his funnel cake in the effort, and heaved his body toward the nearest garbage can. Sticking his whole upper body into the can, he noisily threw up all of the disgusting confection. It was another reason for me to hate them. I walked over to comfort him, unsure whether or not he'd want me to. I knew how men could be about those things. He continued to lean over the trash for a moment longer, though it seemed to me that he was done. I rubbed his back reassuringly. He pushed me away gently.

"Bella, please," he whispered hoarsely. "I don't want you to have to…"

"Have to? Please, Jake. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a delicate flower." I handed him my lemonade, and he downed it quickly. His eyes were sunken in even worse than before. I sighed, defeated once again. "Let's go home, huh?"

I dragged him back to the car with a great deal of effort. He was heavy, and not walking properly. Even the few blocks that we needed to go were enough, and I was relieved when we were at the car. I put him in the passenger side and rolled down the window a little so that the cool air would perhaps help him feel better. Then I climbed into the driver's seat, adjusting it to fit my short legs.

He tried to protest, but Jake was in no shape to drive. He still looked pretty green, and I didn't know how safe it was for him to drive. He curled up like a ball in the seat next to me as I drove through Sequim towards home. By the time we were out of town, he was asleep and I was left with my own thoughts.

Despite the fact that I enjoyed most of the day, it had been a loss. Again. I wondered what I was doing wrong. Maybe I was trying too hard. Maybe I just needed to let it go on its own. But I didn't have that kind of time. In fact, I was running out of it, because it wasn't just Jake's happiness that was riding on this. While that was my main concern, other things were factors too that led me to want this so badly. For one, I wasn't getting any younger. Every day went by, and with it, I aged that much more. My mortality looked me in the mirror every day, and while the changes from one day to the next were not obvious, over time they were. I could see the difference in myself from when I had first come to Forks, and the idea frightened me. I was willing to put in the effort to do this for Jake, my protector, but I couldn't put off my change much longer if I wanted to keep up with Edward.

Then, there **were** the Volturi. I hadn't thought much about them since the night of the big fight, but I didn't knew what they had planned for me or when they'd come. My fear was not only for myself, but for the vampires that protected me. And all the Quileutes who did the same. What would happen to them if they came looking for me? I shivered at the thought. Their presence in my world frightened me.

"Bells?" I heard Jake whisper in the dark. His voice melded with the air streaming in through the cracked window, so that it was soft enough that I barely heard it. I thought he'd been sleeping.

"Yes," I whispered back, unsure if I'd imagined him or not. He turned away from the window then and watched me for a long time. I keep glancing at him over and over waiting for him to continue while I focused my attention on the road.

"When are you going to let him go?" At first his question confused me. I thought maybe he was asleep and just talking like I did, but when I looked over at him, his eyes were clearly open and alert. His face was ashen and he looked tired, but he was clearly awake. I sighed, realizing what he was talking about.

"I…" I let my voice trail off. He was still watching me, and I shot him an apologetic look. I could not answer his question, because there wasn't an answer.

"Bella, I _love_ you. I'd give anything for you. I _will_ give you everything. Wouldn't you miss everything? The sun? Your family? Your _friends_? Don't you think that you'd miss all that?" He looked away, out the window. For a long time he just watched the landscape pass us by in the dark. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet again. "Wouldn't you miss _me_? Wouldn't you miss _life_?"

I stared guiltily out the windshield. He was right, because I _would_ miss all those things. I would miss being able to go out freely into the sun. I would never be able to see it again without looking over my shoulder. I would miss my family, especially Charlie, and my heart ached at the knowledge that I'd never see him again after my change. I'd miss my friends, too. Especially, I'd miss Jacob. I didn't know what it would be like after I'd been changed, but I was sure it was not what I would want—he would not look at me the same way, if at all. I felt my chest cripple at the idea that I wouldn't have him anymore and I sagged over a little at that. But what would I do without Edward? I pushed it out of my mind, because I didn't think I could deal with that kind of pain.

"Jake, I…" Again, I continued sadly, but couldn't finish. He turned back to me and looked at me. He put his hand up.

"Please, just think about that—all the things you'd give up. I want you. I _need_ you, and I _am_ the best thing for you." His tone was resolute, and he sat up straighter in his seat. "I don't want to waste time. We have something here. But I can't do this if you won't let him go. Bella, I am the _only_ thing for you. I'm not asking you to _die_."

"He's not asking that of me."

His gaze hardened angrily. For a minute, he looked like he wanted to fight with me, but then he softened tiredly. I continued to stare straight ahead. I couldn't look at him for fear of seeing his anger again. He turned over in his seat once again.

We drove in silence. I was doing everything wrong. My heart hurt at the choices I'd made, at the confusion that I'd brought upon the men of my life, and on _myself_. And I didn't understand it. Why was I confused? I loved Edward, but when Jake and I were together he became my strength, holding up the weight of the world for me, He'd give up everything for me, put it all on the line, unabashedly. And he made me happy, in his own way.

But what would I give up in the process? What had I _already_given up?

I'd seen heaven and I'd chosen to come back to earth to feed the world's hungry. I needed to find a better source of food.

"Jake?" I didn't know if he was awake, but he turned in his seat at the sound of my voice.

"Hmm?"

"Will you go to Seattle with me?" I posed the question already knowing the answer. I already knew Jake would go to the ends of his own little earth for me if I asked. He sat up a little straighter and an excited glint came in to his eye, despite his lingering sickness

"Of course. When do you want to go?"

I hadn't thought that far. "Um, soon. I'll let you know."

He smiled sleepily at me, and sighed contently. He knew that this would be a long trip. He knew that it was an important trip, and he knew that when I'd asked him, I was asking a lot. What he didn't know was that I couldn't go alone with him. It was a little selfish of me—and it hadn't really worked out the last time we'd tried—but I needed Edward to come too. I needed him to know that he still held my heart, and the only way that I could let him know that was by showing him. I couldn't tell him, but he could come and see how much I still needed him. How much I would always need him.

When we got home, I roused Jacob as much as I could and brought him into the house, slung over my shoulder. He was able to stumble along, though he was still obviously feeling sub par. There was no way I was letting him drive home with as sleepy as he was. I opened the door to the house and he stumbled over to the couch, immediately collapsing on it. It was late, and I made a quick call to Billy to let him know that Jake was sick and would be staying at our house. He didn't seem concerned.

I tucked him onto the couch and covered him with a blanket. He immediately turned over and curled up, and I stood there watching him quietly. His body rose and fell with his heavy breathes. When he was like this, so vulnerable, it reminded me that he was such a wonderful person. He was so peaceful, and a part of me wanted to hug him. He was so good, and it was a reminder of all the things that drew me to him in the first place. As he quietly snored, he looked like the teenager that he was, his face soft and youthful. And he wasn't trying to throw himself at me. That was another plus. I sighed, and went to go turn off the front porch light and lock the door. I stared out the front window, revelling in the quiet darkness of the night. As I stood there, I thought I saw the trees shift, just a tiny bit, and I smiled, knowing that all the things that were haunting me would be driven far away by my diligent protectors—inside and out. I smiled to myself and breathed deeply. Then, I stole upstairs to my room and closed the door.

**Chapter Notes:** Hi-ho Seattle! Edward's back kids! I can't wait to see what you think. So please review! I truly adore all the love and patience! And did I mention that we'll get to see Edward back? Yay! Thanks!

Also, if you get a chance, please check out Cwinche's story, _The Hunt_. It takes place in S. Meyer's world, but with another set of vampires, and it's really developing into a great read! Thanks everyone for your continued support!


	11. Chapter 11: What Is Lost

**A/N:** Alright, I want to thank EVERYONE for their absolutely AMAZING reviews. You have no idea how much of an addict I've become, constantly checking my mail to see if I've gotten any more reviews. It's sorta sick. But I love you all! I especially want to thank CullenFest for her awesome suggestions. It is because of her that you get a special little tidbit at the end. I would have never thought to add it without her, and I have to credit her for one of the phrases in it! Thanks, dear!

Also, I want to apologize for the length of the chapter. It could have been two, but I figured I'd be murdered in my sleep if I left it to hang where I was GOING to, and then I wouldn't get to finish the story…bad news for everyone involved, so I decided to make it a longer chapter.

If you hadn't seen, I've posted that one-shot that I promised all of you, and it's gotten a lot of great feedback already, so check it out if you get the opportunity. It's pretty sexy.

There is also a poll up on my profile about what day of the week you'd most like to see me regularly update on. I am in the stage where I just need to revise the coming chapters, so I can make sure I update regularly every week. If you have an opinion, take the poll, since I'm open.

**Anyway, sorry for that EXTREMLY LONG A/N. Anyway, on to Seattle!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**XI. What Is Lost…**

_Why was I so nervous? _I rubbed my palms against my jeans vigorously as if I were trying to remove a stain from them. I turned just in time to see Jasper and Alice exchange looks beside me in the back seat, before I was hit with a wave of calm that relaxed me. In front, Jake was staring out the window as the landscape flew by at a dizzying rate. Or at least, I _thought_ he was staring out the window. I couldn't really tell. He'd been sulking since Edward, Alice, and Jasper pulled up into my driveway for our trip to Seattle.

I hadn't told him they were coming, which I'll admit, was a little dishonest of me. He had been so excited before they arrived. He showed up in jeans and a t-shirt that looked pretty new, the soft cotton bright and unfaded, topped by a blazer. I was pretty impressed that he'd gone through the effort to look so nice for our trip into the city. And he was early, so much so that I was not even close to ready. Plus, the Cullens weren't scheduled to come for a half an hour.

I felt a little guilty, as I stalled as much as I could until they showed up. I thought there was going to be an all-out battle as he stalked angrily outside to question 'why the hell' they were there invading our time together, his fists balled and ready for action. Jasper was ready for it and used his ability to give me time to explain the situation. Which didn't really make much difference to him, but at least he couldn't blame _them_ for intruding. He reluctantly and irritably acquiesced. Adding insult to injury, I informed him he'd have to ride in the front seat because of his long legs. He hadn't spoken since we left, choosing rather to pout and silently ignore me from the front seat. Edward and he sat side by side as Edward drove. Maybe that's why I was so nervous. Jasper sent another wave of calm to relax me.

I thought it was the best choice in the grand scheme of things not to tell Jake. I knew that I'd have more trouble if I told him ahead of time that I'd invited them. I hated deceiving him, but I was worried that he'd try to cancel if he knew that the Cullens were coming, especially with Edward. This trip was for Jake, so I definitely needed him there.

I hadn't known Jasper was coming along, though. That had been _my_ surprise when I walked out to see the three of them standing next to the Volvo. His presence would be helpful if this trip turned out like the last time we'd all spent time together. I imagined it was Alice that had thought so far in advance for such a thing. Since she couldn't _see_ with Jacob involved, it was a precautionary tactic that had pleased me.

Now we all sat together, riding towards Seattle at lightning speed. The landscape flashed past the window in a blur. I leaned forward and looked over Edward's shoulder. We were going about eighty, which meant that we'd make it to Seattle in almost half the time that it would have otherwise taken. He looked back briefly and flashed me a quick smile. I was happy to see that he was in a good mood.

I had been worried about that too. When I called to ask him and Alice to come along with Jake and me, he had seemed reserved about it. Of course he already knew that I would call because of Alice, but he was cautious, asking me over and over if that was _really_ what I wanted. I assured him it was, though I didn't tell him why. It was still very important for me to keep everything secret. He didn't need to know yet that I was searching for the spot where Jake would find his soul mate.

That had been why I'd suggested Seattle in the first place. Not only had Jake not been there in a long time, but it was different from the places we'd been before. I'd always imagined the girl who he would imprint on to be just like him: rural. But as we drove home from the carnival, and Jake reminded me once again about how different he and Edward were—and when I realized my chosen destinations had, also once again, not transpired into anything—I decided that perhaps I was looking for the wrong person in the wrong spots. Maybe the girl meant for Jake wasn't a girl who liked funnel cakes and quiet, small town life. Maybe she was a fast-paced city girl who was fond of lattes and art exhibits. After all, Edward and I were human and vampire, complete opposites.

So I asked Edward to go with us, because the places he would like to go would be a complete opposite of the places Jake would choose—and the places that I had been choosing for Jake. That, and I didn't want to take this trip alone with Jake. It was irrational, since I'd spent more time alone with him in the car than this trip would be, but this felt like a bigger deal to me. And I wanted to take the trip with Edward.

I watched as Jake shifted in his seat in front. He grumbled, and turned to Edward.

"Jesus, are you trying to get us _killed_? You're driving like a maniac!"

Edward chuckled lightly in the front seat, and I smiled. I'd said something similar at one point, though not so rudely. The first time I'd ridden with him it terrified me. I knew now that he would never do anything that would endanger my life. Now he was only going eighty, for me, I assumed.

"What?" he said innocently. "I've slowed it down quite a bit. I haven't even broken ninety-five yet." He shrugged and peered into the back seat via his rearview mirror, raising his eyebrows. I smiled in response. I watched as his eyes lit up.

That alone calmed me more than Jasper ever could. I had been so worried in the weeks before that I was losing Edward. He was always careful around me because of the fragility that he perceived me to have, but as I spent more time with Jake and less with him, I felt like he was pulling away. I didn't really understand. We had been apart for six months and that amount of time had done less to distance us. The fact that he was responding to me this way was heartening for me. In that small look, I saw that the same devotion and love that he'd always held for me. It was a relief like none other.

"Bella," he called from the front, his velvet voice enveloping my name with adoration, "What would you like to do first?"

I tilted my head to the side, contemplating the choices. When I had called to ask if they'd go, I'd asked him to plan out our day too. He hesitated, but I assured him that whatever he wanted to do would be great. A few days later he'd given me a plethora of choices, all of them well thought out and interesting. All places that I was sure Jake had never stepped foot in. He suggested that we visit the Art Museum, and Olympic Sculpture Park, as well as the harbor and Waterfall Garden. All of them sounded wonderful to me. And since it was supposed to be a nice, cloudy day, I was very excited.

"Well, I don't know. I guess I'll let you decide. I told you that this was all up to you." I had leaned forward again so that I could watch his face, and saw the corner of his lips turn up at the same time that Jake looked over his shoulder to shoot me a dirty look. I could only imagine what he was thinking, with my letting Edward pick our itinerary. I imagined he saw me as some sort of deserter, with all the surprises I was laying on him. He watched me for a while, the same pointed scowl on his face, before he turned back around to the front and crossed his arms over his chest roughly. I smiled slightly to myself. As much as I hated that he suffered, I was so pleased to be spending the day with Edward that I couldn't help but be happy.

We arrived in Seattle in record time. The day was overcast but warm and bright. The tall buildings surrounded by green were a welcome sight from the endless sea of grass and moss and trees, and I sighed with familiarity. It couldn't be any more different than Phoenix—where Phoenix was warm and dry and coppery, Seattle was cool and wet and celadon. It was vastly different, but comfortingly similar, truly an urban jungle, with a different backdrop.

After we'd gotten off the ferry, we'd headed south along the harbor, delving deeper into the city. I didn't know my way around Seattle well, I had to admit. I was happy that we were being navigated by vampires, because I knew that it would be my luck if I ended up getting completely turned around.

Upon Edward's suggestion, we decided to go to Waterfall Garden first, the smallest stop of our day. The park itself was smaller than I expected, nestled in the most urban of areas, it's own little sanctuary in the middle of the city. Being in Forks had made me soft to the city hustle and bustle, and I'd envisioned acres of forest and natural waterfalls. It was not that, a small enclosed area, nature offset by concrete and park benches, but it was beautiful all the same. A heady reminder that there could be peace even in the midst of chaos,

I stood, staring up at the manmade structure of rocks and water, flowing tumultuously and smelling only faintly of chlorine, and I pictured myself here, visiting to escape the stress of my job, as I sipped my coffee and read my paper. At one point in my life, it could have been me. When I was living in Phoenix, I could have been the young, powerful business woman, or the journalist student, who lived by herself, alone in a big city. Now, that would never be me. I only had two options and neither of them ended that way. I smiled, though, knowing that I'd never need to be alone, lost in my own world, constantly searching for something to give me respite from my life. While some would have been disappointed at the lost opportunities, I was not. The options that I _did _have were better than this vision of myself. Would I have been independent, free from all of the turmoil that my life now held? Yes, perhaps, but I knew that I would never have to do any of this alone. I could still have everything, and I'd be able to share it with the one person that could make it so much better.

I must have been standing there a long time, because I felt a presence come up behind me. He kept a careful distance, but I still felt the electricity of his body, and it made the hair on his arms stand up in response.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He whispered. I could hear the smile in his voice at his humor, the fact that Edward would give anything to be able to tell what I was thinking. I turned around to look at him, and he didn't move very far away, but leaned back to stand straight up. I smiled.

"I was just wondering what it would be like to live here, be able to come here and take a break from the craziness for awhile. It's sort of surprising, like a little jewel hidden here."

He continued to smile crookedly, while he contemplated my comment.

"Is that something you'd want? To live here in the city?"

"No," I said, shaking my head and sighing. "I don't."

He nodded thoughtfully, and I glanced around to find the others. They looked like they were ready to go. Alice and Jasper sat at a table talking quietly, and Jacob stood alone, leaning against a concrete wall. I studied him carefully, noting how uncomfortable he looked. This was a quick stop in our day, but already I was failing him. I sighed.

"Let's go," I said, and we all made our way back to the car.

The milestone of our trip was to be the museum, and I had to admit that I was looking forward to it. We had to backtrack to get there, and we parked in a large parking garage. Even though it was early, the garage was fairly full, indicating that it was a busy day. I liked this, hoping that this meant there were a good number of potential girls for Jake. While I realized that the average teenager would have better things to do on a Saturday than visit the art museum, I couldn't help but think that the average girl would not be the right one for Jake. She would have to be pretty amazing to be a good match for him, and hoped that this would yield better results than the stereotypical places that we'd been going to.

We made our way to the ticket booth. Jake cut in front of us in an effort to get there first, and thus, pay for me before Edward had the opportunity to offer. I rolled my eyes at the macho display, knowing he was probably thinking of the movies so many weeks ago. I didn't say anything, and neither did Edward, which I was thankful for. At least _he _had enough sense as to not make a scene.

Jake presented me with our tickets while Edward and Alice and Jasper finished up. I saw the sign above the ticket counter that stated the tickets were a suggested donation of ten dollars. I looked on as Edward paid for his ticket with a hundred dollar bill, shaking his head and refusing his change. The elderly woman behind the counter looked surprised and her eyes lit up at the donation. I knew that it was nothing for him, and yet I smiled at the subtle reminder of his benevolence. Aside from private donations, they probably rarely saw that kind of generosity from the patrons that came on a daily basis.

Jake threw his arm around me as he joined us, pulling me close to him. Edward ignored the gesture for the most part, though I noticed how his eyes darted to us quickly as he put his wallet away. When his eyes came back up, he flashed me a smile.

"You guys ready?" He directed his question at both me and Jake easily, and I nodded silently, struck by his casual acceptance of Jakes arm around me, and the way he leaned into me, and the way that he rubbed my shoulder possessively. I didn't like what that meant. If it didn't bother him, what did that mean for us? I pushed it aside as we were joined by Alice and Jasper.

We meandered through the museum casually, taking our time. I was enjoying myself, taking in the art works and spending time with the group. Sometimes we stayed together, all of us in the same exhibit together, while other times we wandered off on our own, each of us honing in on a particular piece. Jake and I stayed together the whole time, virtually linked. He would not go anywhere without me, though he was patient enough to linger when I wanted to. The lazy atmosphere allowed me to really pay attention to our surroundings as I actively searched out a companion for the young man that tagged along by my side.

The exhibits were wonderful, a vast change from the many things that we'd already done that summer. I truly enjoyed the easy peacefulness of wandering around the quiet museum. It was a nice change, one in which I could reflect on things, keeping to myself without raising suspicions, simply enjoying my surroundings.

I had to admit that I didn't know much about art. I enjoyed it, but I wasn't very talented myself, and most of the time, I needed the help of the nearby plaques that accompanied each art piece to tell me about it. Regardless of my expertise, there was something magical about looking at something like art, heart and soul joining with color and shape. My favorites had always been renaissance art, the bold colors and exquisite imagery romantic and enthralling to me. I spent a long time looking at the European gallery, until Jake dragged me over to the Native American art exhibits, where he proceeded to explain more than I'd ever thought imaginable. His knowledge and insight about the pieces amazed me, as he explained, revered, and admired the works with surprising maturity.

I was proud of Jake's overall enthusiasm. Even in the other galleries, he pulled me along by the hand, the excitement in his face evident. He was a willing participant in this experiment of mine. I followed him gladly, thankful that he hadn't spent the day pouting. I was sure that was because _he_ was the one that holding my hand, while Edward lagged behind looking at the pieces on display. I did notice how close Edward stayed by us, even when he seemingly went off on his own. Occasionally, he would join us, looking at the same piece of art that we were. He'd give us some little-known information about the piece or the artist himself, and Jake would roll his eyes and act irritated, making sarcastic comments about Edward's age. As soon as he'd pull me away in the opposite direction so that we were fairly alone, he'd return to his happy mood.

A few times I caught Edward watching us, his eyes distant. I tried not to let it bother me, but I couldn't help the pull in my stomach at the knowledge that he was watching every hand hold, every look, and every chaste kiss that Jake planted on my head. I felt bad that Jake seemed to flaunt our closeness, but I knew that the art museum was not the place to cause a scene. Edward knew that too.

For the most part, the air around us all was peaceful and relaxed, all of us seeming to enjoy the experience. It was more than I had hoped for considering the possibilities. But a few times, I wondered if someone would snap. No one did, but I was glad that Jasper was near. A painting of a man and woman not very modestly embraced led to a particularly tense moment, and Alice and Jasper were quickly by our sides. I heard Edward hiss under his breath at whatever Jake was thinking, and Jasper sent waves of calm that covered us in a blanket of ease. Alice pulled me and Jake away, while he continued to smirk at Edward at whatever he was thinking. I didn't want to know, and shot Edward an apologetic glance that I hoped would convey my sorrow of the situation. I prayed that this trip would have some good come out of it for all the heartache I'd already caused.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in Olympic Sculpture Park. It was by far my favorite thing about our trip. The long stretch of land that ran along the beach was surreal, like standing in a dream. There was no sun out, though it was daylight, and the hazy gray of the day cast the park in a state of peculiarity that we seemed to drift through. Fog was coming off the water slightly, and more than once I pinched myself to make sure that I was awake.

I loved the benches that resembled eyes, and the bright metal works of art that jutted into the horizon unnaturally, telling stories that tugged at the subconscious while baffling the mind, full of emotion. Most of it left me awed and content as we darted around these colossal pieces, though I did feel a pang go through my chest as I watched Edward linger at _Love & Loss_, a collection of cement benches and stools and tables that spelled out the phrase and touched on the fallibility of love. He seemed sad, and left us, while I watched him walking away. I faltered.

I had to admit that the museum seemed to have no impact, and I had hoped that the park would bring Jake a potential match, mixing the love of the outdoors with the sophistication of culture. I loved the large, artistic sculptures that were smattered throughout the long stretch of the park. There was so much to look at that I found my eyes wandering again from my task at hand, and by the time we'd made it all the way through, I realized that I had failed once more, the day another loss. So many loses.

It was nearly three by that time, and as my stomach grumbled loudly, I realized we hadn't eaten. If I was hungry, I imagined Jake had to be _famished_. Edward smiled knowingly.

"How about if we grab you something to eat over there?" he said pointing to a nearby vender cart in the park

We grabbed some lunch and found picnic tables benches near the water front. After the long day of walking, I was tired. I quickly finished my food and stretched out lazily, listening to Jake talk about his newest car overhaul.

After a few minutes of listening to him, Alice and Jasper got bored and decided to play some Frisbee. I didn't know how they managed to acquire the plastic neon pink disc, but I didn't ask questions, content to relax against the picnic table. Edward stayed by my side. I really wasn't listening too closely to Jake, to be honest. All the car stuff went over my head, and he tended to get into it, so then I was really lost, but I smiled and looked enthusiastic at all the right parts. Edward was engaged, and I wondered if he actually cared about any of it, or if he was just being polite for my sake.

I smiled to myself at the memories of the day. It had been so pleasant, that I wasn't sure how we managed to pull that off. No one really fought too much, no one bled, and we were all going to be going home in one piece. I didn't miss, however, how affectionate Jake managed to be, and the careful looks that Edward shot us after. I knew that it bothered him when Jacob threw his arm around my shoulders or pulled me into him while we were walking. He was good at hiding his disappointment. I'd tried to be as discrete as possible when it came to accepting the affection, keeping Edward always in mind. Jacob didn't seem to notice.

But if I was being honest with myself, the day didn't go exactly as planned. I'd hoped, that by the end of the day, Jacob would have found his match. The hazy vision of their meeting always shifted to the new places we'd go, from one place to the next throughout the day. The places had been perfect. Edward's carefully chosen spots were the best alternative that I could have asked for, but none of them were effective. I sighed a little. Another day, another location, all out the door. How long could I keep all of this up? Glancing over at Edward, I knew _not long_.

I was only briefly aware that Jacob was still talking until I heard my name.

"Bella? Bells, are you listening?" I shook myself and looked in the direction of the voice. Both of them were looking at me expectantly, a peculiar look on their faces. Apparently, I'd missed more of the conversation than I'd thought. Jacob was waiting for an answer to some unknown question, and Edward was, too, waiting for a response. He looked upset.

"Um…what?" Jacob rolled his eyes at me.

"I _said_, 'Do you want to go to that car show with me this week?'" Okay, so I missed _a lot_ of the conversation. I had no recollection of any conversation about any car show.

"Car show?"

"Yeah," he said, slightly irritated. "The one I was _telling_ you about? For, like, the past _ten minutes_? Do you want to go?"

"Sure, fine," I spat out, trying to appease him. I didn't have any of the details, like when or if I had to work, but I agreed because I felt bad for not listening. More and more lately, I found myself lost in thought. It was dangerous to be so unaware all the time.

Jacob beamed happily, his face lighting up with my acceptance. He shot Edward a nasty look and stood.

"Great! It's a _date_!" he said pointedly, looking menacingly at Edward. The realization that I'd just accepted a date with Jacob in front of Edward hit me, and I staggered a little. He threw his leg over the picnic bench, and called over his shoulder as he walked away, "I'm gonna get more to eat! Be right back!"

Jacob meandered off to grab another burger, leaving the two of us at the table. I glanced over at Edward to see a scowl on his face. I leaned over and placed my hand on his knee. When our eyes met, the pain that he'd so successfully pushed away all day had resurfaced, and I watched as he struggled to contain it again. He rose slowly and turned to me.

"Can I talk to you?" I nodded and rose to walk with him. A quick glance back told me that Jacob was still waiting in line at the little stand to get another bite of food, and that Alice and Jasper were watching us from nearby with trepidation. I wanted to reach out and take his hand and walk with him like I was meant to, but he kept his hands shoved in his pockets. He watched the ground as we walked, and he looked anxious and thoughtful. I wondered what, exactly, was on his mind and was about to ask him when he sighed heavily.

"Why am I here, Bella?" His eyes rose up to meet mine and I saw the fear in them, but the question confused me. I didn't understand what he was asking.

"What?" We'd stopped and were now standing on the path under an oak tree. He sighed again.

"Please tell me why you wanted me here today."

"I always want you with me." I didn't really think about what I was saying, because it was the truth. It was all I could think about, having Edward with me. He was present in every thought I had, and over the past weeks I had missed him so desperately I felt it in my core like an ulcer. This trip had been about bringing peace back to my heart, and in the reply that I gave him, I was trying to give him a little peace too. But he didn't really take it well. His shirked back a little and he snorted.

"_Really?_" The way that he said it stung. I flinched and he noticed, and his face softened a little bit.

"Of course. I can't believe you'd doubt that."

He leaned a little into me, and tilted my chin up. There was an apology in his eyes for his impatience, and I begged him to understand.

"How can I _not_ doubt it?" he whispered. "You and I have barely seen each other this summer." Another stab to my heart.

"I'm _sorry_ about that," I pleaded, feeling weak.

He sighed again and ran his fingers through his messy hair. He walked away from me, his hands planted on his head. I followed him with my eyes.

"I know that, I do. But I just…" he let his voice trail off. He looked exhausted, which I knew he couldn't be. The weight of the world rested on his shoulders in that moment. I knew it all too well. Hadn't I been feeling the same way? For a moment, I greatly felt the need to tell him everything. Maybe we could bear it together. Maybe I wouldn't have to feel so alone. Maybe _he_ wouldn't.

But the look in his eyes was not because he had some big secret to keep. It was because _I_ did.

"You just what?" I whispered. He sighed heavily, dropping his hands to his sides. He turned around, defeated.

"I just, feel like I'm standing in the way of something. I don't know why, but I feel like there's something hanging between us. Is there?"

"No! Please don't say that!" I begged. I was afraid, because I wondered if he knew somehow. Maybe Alice had told him. I worried that he'd be angry with me for keeping it from him.

"Maybe if I wasn't in the picture, things would be easier for you and Jacob," he spat. His tone was not angry, necessarily, but he sounded conflicted, like he was wrestling with some unknown demon.

I froze, because that was when I realized that he did _not_ know about my plan. It hit me hard, right in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. It was when I saw that he was not upset with me, but hurt, and betrayed, and afraid too. Not because he thought I had made a decision to sacrifice everything, but because he thought that I'd actually _wanted_ it. I stood there, shocked by this, and could think of nothing to say.

"What?" I finally muttered, too frightened to move or think.

"There's something between you two. I don't need to read your mind to know that. But I _can_ read _his_, Bella, and he… loves you." I noticed the way that he paused on the word _loves_ and how he grimaced to say it.

"So? What does that have to do with you and me?" I already knew that Jake loved me. That didn't mean anything compared to Edward's love for me, or my love for him. I needed him to know that that love that I felt for him was not the same love that Jacob felt for me, but I didn't say it. I knew that I should have been arguing that it didn't _matter_ how much Jake wanted me, because I didn't really care for Jake in that way, but I could only address one concern at a time. For whatever reason, I didn't say these things, and I should have.

"Bella, it has _everything_ to do with us! Because he can give you things that I can't."

"Like what? What do you think he can give me that is better than you?" All I could think of was how much I truly wanted _him_. He sighed letting his strong façade slip.

"Bella, you're eighteen years old. You are excruciatingly beautiful and unbearably appealing. You have needs that I can't fulfill. But he can, and he's quite willing. _Believe_ me," he snorted. He paused, thinking before he continued. "I understand that it's a possibility with him, and that it isn't with me."

His voice cracked a little. He averted his eyes and shifted uncomfortably. I was confused. Then, as his eyes darted up to look at me quickly, realization hit.

"Is this about _sex?!_ You think my desire to have _sex _is enough to make me forget about how much I love you? How much I _need_ you?" I felt something bubbling in my chest. I kept it at bay, knowing that it was not what I wanted to get into at the time, but it still lingered, boiling under the surface of all my heartache. The fact that Edward thought I could be swayed by sex was a shock, and I tried very hard to control the urge to snap. I was shaken. I fought the feeling down, trying to keep a level head. This was not going to go well if I let my emotions run rampant and I recognized that, but it couldn't diminish the fact that I was afraid, and crushed, and felt betrayed. And that I felt like a traitor myself.

But he was not doing as well at controlling himself. I saw it a split second before he spoke, all of the emotions that he had held at bay all day long, as Jake took my hand, or whispered in my ear, or smiled at me. He could not contain the mix of fear and worry and anger that he'd been holding on to during his displays.

"You don't even _know_ how much you need me! _If_ you even need me at all!"

At that moment, I should have run to him, threw my arms around him, and reassured him how much I truly _did_ need him. I should have given up this plan of mine, and confessed everything that I'd hoped and thought and sacrificed the last few months. But I couldn't, because I was so _furious_. It was irrational and wrong, but my eyes blurred from the pressure bubbling up in my chest. My eyes clouded with the tears that threatened to pool over. I balled my fists and gritted my teeth. Because he was _wrong_. I knew exactly what I wanted and needed, and he was right in front of me, and a part of me—a very loud, egotistical part—thought that he should know that. Even after everything, he should have just _known_.

"Damnit, Edward! If that's what you think, then…_screw you_!" His eyes popped open, completely surprised. I'd never imagined it would be possible for me to speak that way to him, but I couldn't help the immediate reaction to what I saw as _his_ betrayal. Because that irrational, put-him-through-the-ringer part of me wanted him to _never question_ my love for him, even though I'd done nothing to comfort his wavering, and everything to make him second-guess it. "If that's what you think this is about, then you don't know me very well! You don't know _us_ very well!"

I turned on my heels and went back to the group. I was seething from our conversation and at that moment, wanted nothing more than to leave them all there. They were all casualties in our fight, even Jake, who I suspected had more to do with it than I could ever know. Alice and Jasper had looks of sheer alarm on their faces, their vampire hearing picking up everything we'd said. I couldn't will myself to care though. In that moment, I was embarrassed and hurt and scared all at the same time, but the anger took hold of my body and willed me to react. Jasper shook himself out of the daze he was in to shoot some waves of calm my way, but I raised my hand at his attempts.

"Don't bother," I spat at him and marched resolutely towards the direction of the car. "Let's go!"

Jacob, just returning to the table and seeing my face, tried to reach out and take my hand, but I yanked it back. Wordlessly, they all followed behind me as I took the lead to where I presumed the car to be. After a few blocks, I admitted to myself that I didn't know where I was going. Alice gracefully flitted up beside me and took control of our direction, though she didn't try to speak to me or touch me. I was thankful for that.

I knew that Edward was not there with us, that we had left him back in the park, but I couldn't find it in myself to worry about him at that moment. When we got back to the car, however, and my anger had dissipated into serious remorse, I silently cried. No one said anything, though Jasper tried to comfort me, and I let him.

"Alice," I whispered, after I'd cried myself out. "Will he come home?" She turned herself to look at me from the front seat. With Edward gone, we'd shifted our positions so that Jasper was driving and Jake was in the back with me, angled so that he could fit. She gave me a sympathetic look and smiled a little.

"Of course he will. He's just a big baby, and is sulking. Give him time, okay? He'll be back, and I'm sure everything will work out."

Somehow, that didn't make me feel any better. I hoped he'd be able to forgive me for all that I'd said. I wanted the chance to tell him how sorry I was for my outburst, for my manipulations, and for everything I'd put him through, and I wondered how long it would take me to have that chance.

Jake didn't say much the ride home, though I knew he was dying to find out what had happened between us. I knew that inside, he was reeling from the fact that Edward and I had just fought. _Edward and I had fought_. A new wave of despair hit me as we neared Port Angeles, and I willed Jasper to drive faster. On cue, we picked up the pace. Sometimes the vampires' powers were an incredible asset.

When we got home, I was too tired to try and explain anything to anyone, even Charlie, who I dashed past to go upstairs, leaving him looking wounded at my lack of concern. I once again retreated to my room to worry about my ruined date. The act was getting tiresome. I had thought that we would all made it out unscathed, nothing pierced or broken, but I had been wrong. We were far from okay—I'd left a large part of myself in Seattle.

*** * ***

Three days. Three days was all it took to bring back a hopelessness so great that I thought I'd implode. It had been that long since Seattle, that long since I'd left Edward in my fit of rage. That long since I'd spoken to him. We had not attempted to contact each other since the trip, both of us too unsure—_or was it too stubborn?_—to reach out to the other. I'd spent those three days rolling everything over again and again in my head, trying to make sense of the despair that threatened to overtake me again, the despair that had become so commonplace in his absence months before. Because I _wanted _to see him, to talk to him, more than anything. I just didn't know what to say. How do you tell the reason for your existence that you'd lied to him? How did you tell him that you understood why he'd lost his faith in you, without losing your soul? My only lifeline to him were daily phone calls from Alice, who assured me that everything would work out, if I let him come to me. So I held my ground. I knew it wasn't much to go on, but it was all I had, and I clung to it desperately.

As I'd apparently agreed to, I attended the Annual Port Angeles Classic Car Show with Jacob. I hadn't had to work that day, and I drove out to the house so that we could go. I arrived in the late morning to find him waiting for me, apparently more eager than I'd anticipated.

A part of me reasoned that this was a bad idea, that I should have told him that I couldn't go, or feign illness, or try to shift my work schedule, but I knew that Jacob was not the one to blame for all of this. I was.

There wasn't much to the car show. I didn't know anything about cars, and as Jake pulled me along at his side, I felt more like a trophy than his friend. I was distracted, too lost in my own jumbled universe to really pay much attention. I barely knew how we got from point A to point B, only going through the motions with him.

Isn't that what I'd been doing this whole time? Going through the motions for Jacob? When I'd started out on my path with the plan to help him imprint, everything had been so clear. I'd had turned from carefully-laid out plan to an untidy heap of chaos. I had no direction anymore and no idea what I was doing. I'd ruined everything in a matter of months.

I was only vaguely aware that we were holding hands. I barely noticed when his hand snaked around my waist to pull me along with him. I hardly acknowledged as he chatted with a few other couples, telling them that I was his 'girl' and that we'd been together 'awhile.' My comatose state allowed me to be a neutral observer, and I felt like I was watching someone else's life, because I _should have been_.

He was elated by my easy allowance of all of this. His body hummed with it, and I was too hollow to stop any of it. What if this was all that was left for me? I'd made too many mistakes, and I could see, clear as day, that maybe it was. The void where my soul was supposed to be ached.

And then in a matter of moments everything changed. Something inside me awoke. We were standing in front of some shiny, black, sporty-looking vehicle, and Jake had me tight up against him. He was telling me about the horsepower, or something like that, and he leaned down to kiss me. It was innocent enough, and if we'd actually been on the date that he perceived me on, it would have been natural. If I had actually been his girlfriend, there was nothing unusual about it. But I wasn't and the emptiness I was holding inside of me sparked to life, knowing that I couldn't keep making mistakes. My eyes focused, and I looked at him for the first time that day. I saw what he was and how I'd used him—albeit, unintentionally—to further my own goals. And just before his lips were on mine, I snapped back into reality, pulling away.

"Jake, I _can't_ do this," I whispered. "I'm sorry."

He pulled back from me to look at me, all the light that had danced behind his eyes gone. He narrowed his eyes and sighed.

"It's him again, isn't it?" His tone was irritated, but there was more. It was a perfect combination of anger and sadness and fear, something I rarely saw in him.

When I didn't answer, he stepped back from me completely, releasing me. I wanted to reassure him that it wasn't, as I had in the past, but my heart wouldn't allow that kind of outright lie. The longer we stood there, the more his anger shown through.

"It's always about him! What the _hell_ is so great about _him_? Why can't you see what is right in front of your face? I can make you forget him, if you'd only let me!"

"That's not what I want." Where my voice had sounded empty, fragile, before, I was gaining new fervor.

"You're so ready to give it all up?"

"I don't think I'd be giving anything up."

He rolled his eyes and looked at me like he thought I was crazy. It irritated me, but I pushed it aside as best as I could, noting to myself that I had caused this.

"Well, I think you're _wrong_! I _know_ what you'd be giving up!"

He grabbed me hard by the shoulders and shook me a little. I could feel the heat that was coming off him, not only from his forcefulness, but because of his passion. He wanted me, not just as his companion, but as his physical prize. It hit me then, exactly why Edwardand I had fought in the first place. He hadn't misread me as much as he'd clearly read Jake, and exactly what he hoped to get from all of this. Jake loved me, and he wanted to show me that. In the most physical, intimate of ways, Jake wanted me to know him, to know what he had to offer. The undercurrents had been there all along, but I failed to acknowledge them. But Edward knew. I never saw it, never saw that he could know all of this while I failed to recognize it, but he did. He knew exactly what Jake wanted, and each time he saw us together, it was like a slap to the face. My infallible god-of-a-man had seen his own personal hell every time he saw Jake.

"Don't you _feel _this?" He hissed, his hand gripping me tightly so that I couldn't move while I squirmed under the pressure on my shoulders. "Don't you see what there is between us, Bella? Don't you want to know _exactly_ what you'd be giving up for him? _I_ want you to know. Isn't that the responsible thing to do, Bella? Don't you _want_ to? _I_ want to. I want _you_!"

I couldn't believe what he was saying. Was he really telling me that I should jump in feet first, throw away my virginity… with _him_? The one I had called my friend, who I trusted with my life, was quickly becoming the predator. I didn't understand it, and my head swam with all my new realizations. Had my fight with Edward made that much of an impact on him that he would feel it was his place to now have me? Did I make him think that that is what I wanted?

I dreamt every night of the most intimate of touches, fingertips running over every part of me, tingling and burning a trail. I dreamt of lips and tongues and legs and strong arms, hands over me, touching and eliciting waves of pleasure. And as I awoke, the cries of need and arousal would linger softly in my bedroom.

I was eighteen years old. Of _course_ I wanted those things. Sometimes it took everything in my power to force them back. But Jake was not the one whose hands I imagined on me. He was not the one who I wanted to make me whole.

I needed to make decisions, not only about Jake's future, but about mine too. I needed to decide what was truly important, and what I would do to get it. There would be no more dates. Each one ate away at my insides like a parasite. I couldn't do it any longer. I didn't know how I would end this fully, but I knew that I could not pretend to be the torn girlfriend anymore. I could not date Jacob Black any more.

I'd tried to be dutiful in my efforts to put on this charade for him, but as he pulled me alongside him, like I was _his_ and his alone to do with as he willed, I realized this was _wrong_. _Everything about it was wrong_. I couldn't do it anymore. All that I'd tried to accomplish was not working, and I couldn't keep hurting all of us by trying to force this.

The pain, the regret, and the anger all took a hold of my empty being and forced themselves upwards. I used all of the emotion in me to shove him off of me, to push him away, where his hands were. He stepped back, surprised at my force, and instantly his eyes were remorseful. I never thought he would hurt me, but his intensity was too much for me to bear, and I breathed heavily. He tried to reach out to me in apology, but I shirked away from him, as the tumult inside me manifested.

"Jake," I said resolutely, "Take me home." He looked like he was about to protest, more sorrowful than angry anymore, but I wouldn't let him. "I need to go home. Now."

We drove home in silence. He kept glancing over at me trying to catch my eye, but I ignored him. When we got back to his house, he tried to talk to me again, but I brushed him off. I told him I'd call him later, got in the Guardian, and drove home.

When I pulled in the drive, I was only mildly surprised that Edward was there waiting for me, lurking in the shadows of the porch, hiding from the sunlight that saturated front lawn. He knew that I had my "date" with Jacob that afternoon, and I wondered why he'd chosen that moment to come see me. Maybe for some reason, he thought it was a good time. I was torn: on one hand, I wanted to see him, make up for everything and tell him how sorry I was for how messed up I'd made things—tell him I knew what I had put him through. On the other, I was in a terrible mood, and wanted nothing more than to stay that way, wallowing in my own self-pity.

I stepped out of the car and attempted to prepared myself for whatever was about to happen, because it could go so many ways. I dreaded it. The ideas that I had were too painful to acknowledge.

"Hi." I tried to let my bad attitude slip away with Jacob. Edward didn't deserve anymore heartache at my hands. In deciding that I had pushed things too far with Jake, I also knew that I was going to have to fight harder than I ever had for Edward.

"Hi," he said—not happily, not angrily, but cautiously. I could feel his eyes on me as I made my way to where he was standing. I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes. My chest crippled at the thought that he might be here to tell me that I was too late to make anything right. "Did you have a nice time?"

"No," I replied frankly.

When I looked up, he looked conflicted, a little bit sorry for my bad date, but a little bit happy at that too. He chose the higher road and offered his condolences over my spoiled afternoon.

"I'm sorry. Is that because of me?"

"No. Yes, but no," I said completely deflated. I bit my lip and fought back the tears. I wanted to stay angry for everything but couldn't. How could I feel that way—how could I blame _him_ for all of this, take it out on him—when it was entirely _my_ fault? What had I expected? Surely I did not expect for all of this to go smoothly when I'd been lying all this time.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he whispered, taking my hand. He sounded broken. I sat down on the steps, and he sat with me, continuing to hold my hand, making small circled with his thumb. "Not just for your spoiled night, but for everything. For the fight, for the situation…for leaving you alone so that you were put here in the first place," he whispered. The reminder of his leaving me stung. I never wanted to remember that time, but I was doing it every day. Every day that I denied Edward was a poignant reminder of the time he had left me. But now, I had been leaving him.

"Edward…" I began, but he put a cool finger to my lips to quiet me. I looked up to see a sad smile on his lips.

"I wanted to apologize for the things I said in Seattle. I didn't mean to make you angry, and I never want to hurt you. I suppose that I handled things badly. I spent the entire day trying hard to be reasonable about everything, having to listen to Jacob and the way he feels about you, and the things he's had the opportunity to share with you, and I let it get the better of me. I wanted you to know that I am truly sorry for it all."

His apology was so sincere that I almost forgot that I was the one who should have been apologizing. He'd done nothing wrong, yet he continued to shoulder the blame for the whole mess. A new wave of guilt surfaced, and I instinctively leaned my shoulder into him for support.

"Please don't apologize," I choked. "I should be apologizing to you. This whole summer, I've been the most terrible person. I've let everyone down—especially you." I leaned my head against his shoulder. We sat in silence for a long time, and he let me use him for support, a position I didn't deserve to have.

"Bella," he whispered. "I don't think you could ever let me down. Not really."

"But I have. I already have. If you knew, you wouldn't be so forgiving." He sighed and shook his head.

"Bella, I _do_ know. You think I could go on, not knowing what was going on in your life? Not knowing if you were safe? I'm not that patient. I wouldn't _survive_ not knowing you were safe." I looked up to see him smiling at me.

"Have you been watching me?" The idea that he'd secretly been lurking around to keep an eye on me was comforting. When everything around me was turbulent, that was one constant that I was happy to still have.

"Of course. I'm _always_ watching out for you." We sat a little while longer, wordlessly taking comfort in the others' presence. I didn't realize just how very much I missed him until that moment. I wished away the time that I had wasted. I had lost so much, so much more than I ever imagined I would.

"Can I ask you for a favor?" he whispered into my hair. I looked up into his eyes and nodded. Anything he asked of me I'd give. There was nothing that I wouldn't do to make up for all the pain I'd caused. He smiled. "Will you let me level the playing field a little?"

I cocked my head to the side, waiting. My heart leapt in anticipation. Was he really telling me that he hadn't given up? Was he allowing me to hope that our future was still available to me, the one that I had wanted so badly? I smiled stupidly and nodded.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, nudging him a little. He smiled widely. I didn't know if it was because he knew my date with Jacob had gone badly, or because the air shifted considerably with the possibilities, or if he knew that I already knew what he was going to ask. Maybe it was a combination of everything, all the good things—the love, the happiness, the fact that I was destined to be his—that still managed to exist there between us, despite the bad. As I beamed up at him, the look on his face matched mine.

Slowly, he leaned down slightly, his eyes fixed intently—smolderingly—on mine. My breath caught as his eyes darkened. The hand that was still holding mine lifted and he lowered to it. I watched him as he breathed evenly and deeply, bringing my hand to his lips. My whole body tingled at the feather-light contact, ripples prickling up and down my spine from my neck to my tailbone, and he lightly raked his cool lips across my knuckles. I inhaled sharply when he pressed his lips against it fully. His breath was soft as it whispered over my skin, and he turned my palm up to place another gentle kiss there too. Slowly he sat upright. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, tears welling in my eyes after so little contact for so long. The tenderness of the action, so sensual and full of promise, gave me hope. His smiled crookedly at me, and I remembered to breathe again.

"Will you let _me_ take you out on a date?" he whispered as I regained my senses.

My darkness suddenly turned once again to light, a hazy shimmer of hope in the otherwise blackness.

**Chapter Notes:** There's that. For all of you who have stuck with me, Edward is back! And he's not going away without a fight this time! I am happy to report that this will be a shift. I look SO forward to hearing what you have to say. Please be nice—they made up, after all! And there is more love to come!


	12. Chapter 12: Now Is Found

**A/N: **A HUGE thank you to everyone that has been reviewing. I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you yet. I have every intention of doing so. I was eager to get this out to all of you.

Just an FYI for everyone who's been steadily reading with me: First of all, Love you guys who have managed to keep your faith in B&E's love story. Your faith is what keeps me going. Secondly, I have had some pretty quick updates in the past, this one included. In order to keep from burning out, I'll probably only be updating once or twice a week from now on. This gives me time to revise properly, respond to reviews, and read other people's fanfiction too. I have a few people that I beta for, and their stuff is just as important as mine. I plan to do my updating on Sundays, so keep a lookout for it!

Anyway, thanks again, and on to the DATE!!!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**XII. …Now Is Found**

I took a deep breath and pulled open the car door. It had surprised me that Alice had been the one to pick me up. When I looked out my bedroom window, I expected to see the silver Volvo waiting for me. Instead, the familiar yellow Porche was idling in the drive.

I wasn't sure why I was so nervous. How often had Edward and I gone out on dates? In the grand scheme of things, we'd done thing before. A date with Edward sounded silly in my head, but it wasn't unusual. We'd dated. This should be old hat, but it seemed different somehow. More elaborate, like a special occasion. Perhaps it was because I had denied myself of him for so long, or because I felt like we had lost so much time. Really, though, if I was being perfectly honest, I wondered about it. I had done so much to ruin things. This felt like a gift somehow. I felt like I had a chance to redeem myself. But what if I couldn't?

Alice had picked out my outfit earlier, a long, deep blue cotton sundress. She dropped it off while I was at work, and I came home to find it lying out on my bed with a note that said, _"Don't argue. Just wear it." _Was I really that uncooperative? I put it on, and loved it instantly. It was comfortable, and felt like a t-shirt, but it had a plunging neckline and a high slit up the side. All in all, it complimented my skin tone well and was quite sexy.

"Hey, Alice," I said as I climbed into the car, being careful to keep myself covered. If the dress shifted too much this way or that, I'd be out of it. I suddenly wondered about the practicality of such a dress as I climbed into the low, bucket seats. Hm, I understood the note.

"Ah, Bella! You look so nice! He'll be _very_ pleased." She clapped her hands excitedly before putting the car in gear. The radio was on low, and she hummed softly.

"So, not that I'm not thrilled to see you, but why are _you_ picking me up?"

"I'm just the chauffer." She flashed me a toothy grin.

"Do I really need a chauffer? I mean, couldn't he have just told me where to meet him?"

Alice chuckled. "No, silly. Do you know how much trouble I'd be in if you got lost tonight? I'd _never_ hear the end of it." She rolled her eyes at the thought.

"Lost?! How far are we going?" I nearly choked. I didn't factor in Cullen grandeur to our date plans. I hoped it didn't involve planes or anything like that. Charlie _did_ expect me home at _some_ point tonight.

"It will take about 45 minutes to get there. Just sit back and think happy thoughts." She smiled at me again.

I sat back and stared out the window, wondering where we might be going. My mind was racing, both with nerves and excitement. The terrain flew past the window at an alarming rate. They all drove fast, but Edward was the only one I could ride with that didn't cause me to contemplate my own mortality. Despite the fact that I trusted them all, it still jarred me a little to know how fast we were going, despite how often I'd ridden with one of the Cullens. Carlisle wasn't so bad—and Esme, though I'd never actually ridden in a car where Esme was driving. I wondered if I'd ever get the chance now that the course of our lives was so uncertain.

I loved Edward. I knew that I wanted him, but still, my insides turned at the way things were. I wasn't sure if everything was certain. I didn't know what the future held for us. I wasn't sure if he'd still have me after the way I'd acted. The proposition of a date with him gave me hope, but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered the ways he'd retreated from me, the ways he'd held back, like he was trying not to hurt me. I obsessed about it to the point of driving myself crazy.

Where had things gotten so off track from what I'd been so sure about? Alice, Esme, Carlisle—Edward, especially Edward. They were all supposed to be my family. It's what I had been fighting for all along. And now what? I definitely still wanted that, more than anything. But I'd wanted other things too. I wanted Jacob to be happy. How was I supposed to justify both and still hold on to Edward?

I watched as we neared the coast. The trees were as dense as inland, but I could smell the salt in the air. In patches, where the water was visible, the sun was dipping low into it, casting the last bits of dark pinks and reds and oranges over the grey-green waves, turning into night. My palms began to sweat, and I thought about how ridiculous that seemed. There was nothing I wanted more than this time with him. Alice glanced over at me.

"We're almost there." Alice's light and happy tone calmed me and shook me out of me reflections.

"Thanks for doing this."

"Of course, Bella. You're my sister. He's my brother. Your happiness is mine." I snorted lightly.

"_Are_ we happy?"I whispered. I felt my heart sink, because I knew that, right now, we were not. This was not happiness. We were both teetering in limbo, waiting, and it was tense, not happy. I stared out the window. I could see Alice watching me in the reflection of the window.

She pondered me for a long time before she finally spoke.

"Everything is still there Bella, just the same as it always was. You love him, and he loves you. And maybe even more so now." I turned towards her confused. Alice continued. "He knows now what it would be like to live without you, to have to fight for you. Not just against the elements—against the natural order of things—but against someone _else_. And you've had a taste of what it would be like with someone besides him. Nothing worth fighting for is _ever_ easy."

I didn't have long to consider what she'd said. We pulled onto the side of the road, the gravel crunching beneath her tires.

"Okay. Here we are." Alice turned off the car and hopped out. I slowly went to follow her.

"Here?" I looked around at the dense tree cover, and shot her an incredulous look. All I could see was trees, trees, and more trees. There was nothing to distinguish this piece of road from the rest of it, and there were no turn-offs that showed even a remote destination for a date. She smiled at my confusion.

"Yep! We're going to walk—well, run—the rest of the way." She motioned for me to climb into her arms. I felt ridiculous looking at her, this small pixie asking me to leap into her arms like she was about to sweep me off my feet. At me hesitation, she raised her eyebrows indignantly. "Do you want to see him or _not_? You don't need your shoes." I rolled my eyes and tossed my sandals back into the car.

We moved through the trees so quickly, despite the thickness of the overgrowth. It was only a minute before we emerged on the beach. Alice put me down gracefully, and my toes hit the soft sand.

Before me, the beach was empty, the sand glowing softly in the early evening. It was a long way from the tree line to the water, and I marveled at how large it was, the stretch of sand bare as far as the eye could see. The first thing I noticed was the tiny flecks of light dancing erratically on the sand. Candles were scattered up and down the beach, their magical movements casting irregular patterns down the whole stretch. It was mesmerizing. Then, I focused. I searched for him. I couldn't see him. The light of the day was fading quickly, and my eyes burned from the candlelight. My poor human eyes tried to focus. I panicked for a moment, wondering if we'd gone to the wrong spot, as improbable as that would be with Alice navigating. Then I saw him. He was at the water's edge. My breath caught in my throat.

He was simply standing there, his toes sinking into the moist sand. He was wearing a loose cotton shirt, unbuttoned. I could see the plains of his perfect abs, his chest, as the shirt billowed in the soft breeze. His light cotton drawstring pants sat low on his hip bone perfectly so that I could see the V that his muscles formed at his waistband. I inhaled sharply, and I thought I'd melt right there into the sand, liquid heat turning me to glass. My nerves, the continual leaping of my abdomen, kept me fixed. Alice leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"Go on. He's waiting."

"Thanks, Alice." I turned to watch her, but she was already gone. I sighed, focusing my attention back on the vision in front of me.

The need to be closer to him overcame how nervous I was, and I willed my feet to move to him. Slowly I regained my sense of balance, learning once again how to move the muscles in my legs to make my feet move forward. He met me half way. Immediately, my fingertips found his bare chest, roaming over him. It had been so long since I had seen him like this, since I'd felt the cool, hard skin under the pads of my fingers. I had him there—_really _there, not a hallucination—and I marveled at the touch. I had yet to look up at him. I was afraid to. He grabbed my hands with his own, letting them rest there. When I finally looked up, he was watching me intently. Then I couldn't look away. We didn't say anything for a long while, just marveled at each other. Edward's honey-smooth voice made me weak, and I balanced against him for support.

"Wow. You look _so_ beautiful." He pulled me into his arms effortlessly and I felt the swell between my ribcage. The coolness of his skin prickled me through the jersey material of my dress. Everything—his body, his smell, just the very feeling of him—was better than I remembered.

"You too." I put my cheek on his chest and breathed him in deeply. He rested his chin on the top of my head for a moment and then pulled away, tilting my head up to look at me again.

"So, I have you all to myself tonight? There are no wolves following you?" His tone was playful, and he pretended to glance over my shoulder to look for them. I saw the old Edward in his eyes. There was no pain or sorrow, just the joy that we were together.

"No, I don't think so. Though you'd know before I would." We exchanged smiles at our light banter.

"Good." He separated from me completely, and looked me up and down, a satisfied smugness on his face. I felt the blush creeping over my whole body. He chuckled and finally he took my hand. "Walk with me?"

I nodded and we wandered up the beach, hand in hand. I was relishing the feeling of his fingers mingling with mine, and the way he kept glancing over at me, happily. It had been such a long time since I'd felt so free with him. It was like we were on a completely different continent. Despite the long, nervous ride there, I was blissful for this short time of true solitude.

We continued to walk slowly along the coast. He moved with me at the perfect pace, content to meander with me. The sand squished between my bare toes. The whole way was decorated with tea lights. They flickered in the soft breeze off the water. I sighed contently.

"I can't believe you did all this. It's so pretty."

"Yeah, it's okay. But I've seen prettier things." I looked over to see him watching me carefully. A sexy smile was still on his lips, but something about his mood had changed. We strolled for a bit before the question that had been plaguing me for days was too much. I wanted badly to know if he still had hope for us, whether or not I'd already given him up for my quest to help Jacob. I bit my lip and sighed.

"So, can I ask what this is about? A ploy to help your cause?" I playfully bumped him, hoping that my pleas for real answers would go unnoticed, that I'd pull off the question without the fear that I truly felt showing through. I waited for his much-needed reassurance, but he suddenly became serious. He frowned letting his eyes drop for a moment, and then stared straight ahead, wistfully. It was a long time before he spoke again. My heart rate picked up exponentially for every second that my question was left lingering.

"No ploy. I just need this." His cryptic response did little to comfort me. I couldn't ignore the sadness etched on his face.

"Yeah, me too." I muttered. Up ahead of us I could see a clustering of bright little tea lights. There, too, was a blanket and a radio. As we got closer, the sound of soft romantic music drifted through the air, mingling with the steady rush of ocean waves. My heart started beating in response to our nearing and for the unresolved question that still hung there between us. He squeezed my hand in response and smiled at me. It made me feel a little better.

"I do have a couple rules, though." We were at the edge of the blanket, and he stopped me, turning me so that I was facing him. We were close, and I instinctively found his chest again. He smiled softly.

"Okay," I spoke slowly, worried what other rules he could impose on our relationship.

"Tonight is about us. Just you and me. I don't want anything to disrupt that. No outside forces hanging over our heads, no choices to make. No guilt. _Especially_ no guilt. Okay?" He brushed his fingertips across shoulder, watching his hand and then bringing his eyes back to mine.

I smiled at him. "I guess I can live with that." He reached up again and brushed a piece of my hair out of my face that had dislodged itself from the gentle breeze. His fingertips made a cool trail down my cheekbone and across my jaw line.

"I want to remember what it was like when things were simple. I want it to be like before, when all we had was each other." I wanted to protest, but I was worried the very slight reminder of the past weeks would dampen his mood again, so I dropped it. Instead, I raised myself up, ever so slightly, so that I was pushed against him softly and our faces were close. I lowered my voice to a whisper.

"Does that mean you're going to hold me?" He didn't respond right away, but studied me for a second. He reached up, once again removing my hands pressed against his chest. For a second, I was frightened that he would reject me, but then he interlaced our fingers and brought them back down to my side slowly, shaking my hands free until my arms hung limply. His breathing was steady and deep. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around my body, and pulled me closer until there was only a whisper of space between us. I could feel the currents bouncing back and forth between us. Then he returned his right hand to my left and raised his arm up above us, leading my hand to rest on the nape of his neck. His other hand rested on the small of my back still, and I gently stroked his bicep. Then he pulled me up and into him until our torsos were flush. I could barely breathe. _He was holding me_. It took me a moment to remember what planet we were on.

"And kiss me?" I asked dizzily. He leaned down so slowly I thought I was going to pass out from the suspense. I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply. His cold lips found my temple and he pressed them there gently. He lingered there for a long time, and when he moved away, I heard him take in a pained, quick breath. Then his lips found my jaw. He kissed me there the same way. I opened my eyes to look at him. He wound his fingers carefully in my hair and brought my lips up to his. His kiss was gentle but hungry, the ache of repressed longing evident, and he parted my lips with his tongue. There was something desperate about the way he was kissing me. I sighed disconcertedly when he broke away from me. I'd waited so long for that. Again, I took time to come back down from the euphoria.

"And tell me that you love me?" This was the most important one of all. He watched me carefully, frowning slightly and furrowing his brow. I saw the pain return to his face, and instinctively reached up to stroke his cheek. He leaned into my caress and opened his eyes. They were burning.

"_I love you_," he whispered. His voice was rough and husky, and my legs quivered. He leaned down again, and I tightened my arms around him. He kissed me again, but pulled away before I lost my control. He inhaled sharply as our lips broke apart. "More than you'll ever know."

The agony in his voice made me ache. There was something off about it. This declaration should have left me elated, reeling from the knowledge that he still loved me. It should have given me hope, but instead only made me more afraid. "Edward…"

He reached up and placed a finger to my lips, silencing me. He kissed my forehead lightly.

"No guilt, remember?" he murmured against my forehead. He broke away from me, and interlaced our fingers again, leading me onto the blanket. Then, a spark flickered in his eyes again, and the corner of his lips turned up slightly. "Dance with me?"

I shot him an incredulous look, shaken by his request. "You want_ me_ to dance? Here? On the unsteady footing that is _sand_?" He chuckled, pulling me close again.

"Yes. I won't let you fall." His arms wrapped around me protectively, and swayed me to the music. It was soft, romantic song that I recognized, evocative in its melody. I stared up at him, marveling how good it felt to be with him. I shuddered involuntarily. A worried look spread across his face.

"Are you cold?" He let go and stepped back a little. I pulled him back into me again.

"No, perfect. You feel nice." It was true, not just because I wanted to be in his arms so badly, but because the air was warm and humid still from the hot late July day. He relaxed and supported me again.

We continued to dance for two more songs. It was as if time stood still while we were together like this, like nothing else existed but the music and the sand and his arms around me. A haunting ballad began to play. I closed my eyes, and let him pull me along, listening to the guitar float through the air. Suddenly, before I could brace myself, I felt myself moving, falling to the ground. My mind worked quickly, wondering how that was possible when it was Edward holding me. I had not felt his arms leave me. Had he tripped?_ Could_ vampires trip? Was he alright? My body could not keep up with the racing of my mind. I fully expected to hit the ground hard, feel the familiar jolt as my body collided with the ground, jarring my senses. My mind waited for the haze that was sure to come.

But it _didn't_ come. Instead, I eased effortlessly from standing to lying. My body was still protected, still at ease. The force of my fall had _not_ knocked me out or made me ache. It was only the coolness underneath me that made me open my eyes again, aware that I was still conscious. He was smiling at me, and I realized that he'd never lost control of me, and still held me. He reached up and brushed another piece of hair off my face. I leaned down to kiss him.

"I'm curious what brought this on?" I hedged again. As much as I wanted to adhere to his rules, I needed to know. He seemed reluctant to let me in on it all. I was breathless from the kiss, so my question came out gaspy and light. He cocked his head to the side and smiled widely, raising his eyebrows. He put on a good show. He ignored the real intentions of my question, deciding instead to play with me.

"I can't date you?" I moved to the side so that I was propped up on me elbow and looking him in the eyes.

"Dates are movies or dinner. This is…different." He pretended to ponder that.

"Well, I was under the impression that you now hated the movies, and I don't eat. So…" He motioned down the beach.

I studied him for a moment. As much as his playful side delighted me, I needed him to level with me. I needed this to be _more _than a date, because dating didn't mean much to me after the summer we'd had. I needed his forgiveness.

"You know what I mean."

Suddenly, he became very serious again. The mood shifts were starting to worry me. He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. When he spoke, his voice was low and solemn.

"Yes, I do. I think you're getting close to making a decision." His eyes searched mine, and I nodded slowly. I didn't tell him my decision had been made long ago, back when I'd first laid eyes on him. If he knew that _he_ was it, that was all I needed.

"I think I am too," I whispered. I _was_ getting close to making a decision, a decision about our future. I'd already made one: I would not step out on another date with Jacob Black. That road—that method—had been traveled fully, and it was not right. The only decision left to make was what I was going to do about him, what I was going to do now with Jake. Edward closed his eyes for a moment, letting the knowledge of that wash over him. He held it back like a dam.

"So, I wanted you to know exactly how I feel," he admitted. I smiled a little.

"And that's not you trying to influence me?" I felt guilty for turning this into a night of serious conversations, and I tried to restore our banter again, smiling at him. He thought about it for a while, and smiled sadly.

"No. Call it… a last _hurrah_."

I stopped breathing. I felt a crushing in between my lungs and felt the prick of tears at my eyes. I swallowed the bile that had risen slightly. There was something in his voice that hurt me desperately. Something final about the way he said it.

"Edward…" He could hear the pain that overtook me, and instantly wrapped me up tightly. I choked, and he comforted me, rubbing my arms gently.

"Shh. No guilt." He rolled me over so that he was hovering above me, his body positioned off to me side. I let my head shape the soft sand beneath the blanket, and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, he was watching me.

"_Last?" _I groaned. "Are you giving up?" Silent tears began to moisten my lashes as I fought back the urge to curl up in a ball.

"I'll never give up on you," he said, and he made small circles on my arm with his fingertips. "But I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy _now_. At this moment. With _you._" Something in my voice was begging him, telling him, without saying it outright. I needed him to _feel_ it.

"So am I," he whispered. We watched each other for a long time. I averted my eyes. If he wasn't a vampire, he'd never have heard what I said next.

"Do you still want me?" My words quivered in the air between us. He didn't say anything, and I looked up, afraid. When our eyes met, I saw he was serious again, his eyes boring into me. His eyes were black as coal.

"More than _anything_."

I sat up, and put my hands on his chest, reveling over his cool skin beneath my hands again. He placed his lightly over the top of mine and then slid them up my arms. We seemed to have made up some ground in that moment. I found my footing again, willing myself to be strong. I anticipated that there would be a great deal for us to work through.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that I want you too? That I want _you_ to be happy?" I knew the answer to that, and I regretted it the moment it left my lips._ I_ made it so that he would question that_. _He focused on the intricate patterns he was drawing with his fingers on my arm. Finally, he looked me in the eyes again.

"I don't have someone else to choose between. For me, it's always been you. Even before there _was_ a you." His thumb reached up and rubbed my cheekbone, and I furrowed my brow.

"I feel like a _monster_." The frantic feelings of anguish were creeping up on me again. I knew it was the truth.

He became ridged, and his tone became scolding. "You shouldn't, Bella. You're not! You haven't done anything wrong."

"Haven't I?" I could feel the tears eking their way to the surface. He sat up quickly and pulled me into his arms, stifling me to his chest, I felt his head rest on top of mine. My head was spinning and I could barely hold on to anything.

"No," He whispered gently into my hair. "You act like it's a crime to be so torn. To have to choose. It's not. It just happens."

I tore myself away from him, the very separation making my body cry out in protest. It echoed our emotional separation in a ruinous way, and manifested itself like lead in my chest. All the guilt that I'd promised him I'd try to suppress was beginning to feel neglected, begging to let me free it. I put my hands to my face and sobbed openly.

"What I'm doing to you is _wrong_!" Instantly, his hands were around my wrists, and I was falling into him. He let me sob into his chest, and he soothed me gently, cooing in my ear. Every now and then I felt his lips kiss me.

"Shh. Bella. _Please_ don't cry." He smoothed my hair and rubbed my back. When my sobbing had subsided enough that I could see, he pulled me back and tilted my chin up gently, placing a soft kiss on my lips. When it ended and I opened my eyes, he was smiling lazily at me. He wiped away the tears that still rested on me cheeks. "Hey, you're breaking the rules," he whispered gently.

"Yeah," I mumbled, broken. "_All_ of them."

His face suddenly shifted. He sat upright even more, and I felt as his grip strengthened on me. His voice became determined, stronger than I'd heard in a long time. It was as if he had suddenly made a resolution with himself.

"It's killing me to have you hurt. I just want this to end for you. I want you to be at peace."

He laid back down, still holding me to him. I rested my head on his chest, right where his heart should have been beating. I heard my own pulsing blood reverberate through my eardrum, echoing through him. How many times would I break his heart? How often would he allow me to do so? I bit my lip to stop the impending crash again. He gently rubbed my back and hummed to calm me.

"I wish you weren't always so selfless," I said. I wouldn't feel such crippling guilt at everything that I'd put him through if he could yell at me. I'd welcome it. But the pain that I felt coursing through him at my betrayal was the worst I could imagine. In all of it, I never set out to hurt him.

He snorted. "I'm _not._"

"Yes, you are."

"I'm about to ask for something selfish."

He spoke in barely a whisper, lowering his voice huskily. My heart began to race as if it was trying to leap out of my chest completely. I looked up into his eyes, and saw, again, everything that I was doing to him. Something _else_ wavered in him for a moment, like he was wrestling with himself, two parts of him that wanted different things. I didn't want to hope, but I felt my body respond to him, begging him—coaxing him. I wanted him, and I wanted him to have me. Was _that_ what this had been about? Was he finally willing to give in to me physically? He'd always claimed that his restraint to make love to me had been about my safety, that he wanted me that way but was too afraid to hurt me. But now, as he held me and told me that he wanted something selfish, I begged who ever would listen that this is what he would ask for—that he would ask for all the things that my restless nights left me wanting. Was this his 'last hurrah?' My body vibrated, willing him to ask me.

"Bella, I want you to make me a promise." I softened. Not really what I'd expected.

"Anything." My voice betrayed how nervous I was.

"_Promise_ me that you won't make love to Jacob until after you've decided on the future. _Please_." His voice wavered, and he was unable to hide the raw emotion that lingered there, a mix of agony and hesitation and regret.

I sat up and gaped at him. _What? _Suddenly, a familiar feeling bubbled up in me, one that I never thought possible to feel towards him again. After everything that this night had promised, I felt an overwhelming rage touch my tongue, leaving bitter flecks on the roof and sides of my mouth. But it only lasted a second, followed by shock and sadness. The memory pain of the anger lingered beneath them. I sat up, and stared at him, horrified that this had once again turned into a conversation about Jacob and me. This was against his rules.

"What?! That's what you're asking of me?! Edward, I would _never_ do that to you. The thought hasn't even _crossed my mind_!" He looked down at his hands, now resting in his lap. I looked lost, tortured. He looked like a man. Not the god that I knew he was, but a man.

"It's crossed _his_," he mumbled. "I just want you to be positive first."

For the longest time, neither of us spoke. We were lost in our own thoughts. I didn't know what to say to him, how to tell him that I loved him—wanted him and only him—that way, without giving away everything I'd done. Even though tonight was supposed to be about forgiveness, I still didn't know what I wanted to do about Jake. I'd wrestled with it, and realized that after everything, I'd left Jake in a worse position than what we started in, and now I had another new problem to fix. I didn't want Jake that way, and I didn't really understand why he thought I did. I'd never expressed it in any way. My head spun. Finally, I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed. My voice was barely a whisper, the pain of his plea drawing up my greatest fears again.

"Is that what you think of me? That I'd even consider sleeping with him without considering _you_?" He grabbed my hands and kissed them, enveloping them in his.

"No, Bella. But he wants you very badly."

"Yeah, you've said as much. What difference does that make? It's not like I'm going to trip and fall into bed with him, is it?" I was pleading with him now. I didn't understand any of it. Had I ruined us so much that he expected that sort of behavior of me. I winced at the consideration.

"I don't know what length he'd go to make you choose him." He reached up and softly stroked my cheek. His hand followed down the front of my neck and rested in the hollow there. "I'm sorry."

All the rage I'd felt was long gone. I'd never really considered the fact that while I could keep secrets from Edward, Jake could not—_would not._ Every lusty thought he'd ever had would be happily projected to the man that held my heart. That realization hurt me, because I was sure it hurt _him_. I needed to make peace with these decisions I'd made, and _fast_. I had an unbearable urge to have him hold me again. I pushed myself up and crawled over to him. He opened his arms to me, and I snuggled myself onto his lap, letting my head find the place under his chin where I felt the safest.

"I'm sorry, too," I whispered when I was secure against him. "I'm sorry that he makes you think about that." He rocked me back and forth for a while. Suddenly, I leaned back so that he could see my face. "Can I ask you something?"

He nodded, unsure.

"Does he want me more than you do?" The question threw him. It showed clearly on his face. He thought about it for a moment before he answered.

"Bella, _no one_ wants you more than I do. I can't even begin to tell you what I'd do to have you in that way. To feel you're body against me, around me. _To be one with you_. To be able to _show_ you how much I love you, rather than just tell you. I'd give _anything_." His voice smoldered, guttural and low.

In an instant, my body was reacting again, melting low and deep for him. It awakened a desperate need in me. My thighs, my belly, my hips, ached to have him touch them, to have his coolness caress them the way that my hands and face and lips were touched.

"Make love to me," I whispered. My lips were begging for the parts of my body that didn't have a voice. He was already shaking his head.

"_No_, Bella! I can't do that!" He squeezed his eyes shut. His voice pleaded with me as much as I was pleading with him.

"Please! You won't hurt me." I was urgent and pushed him down on the blanket again. I trapped him beneath my hands, clawed into him with my fingertips."

"It's not just about that. I won't—I _can't_! Not now. Not like this. I won't use that as a way to force your hand."

"But wouldn't it be worth it? If all of this _ended_?" I hoped he would think it was worth it, even besides putting this behind us.

"No. Even as much as I want you, no! I'd give anything to have you, but _you'd_ never know _why_ you did this. I love you too much to use sex to sway your decision. You're body is not a tool to be used for persuasion."

"Edward, _please_." I felt it slipping away. I'd had leverage. This perfect night, the beach, the candles. The way we'd finally come together after so long. But it was fading. He was not going to give into me, and my lip quivered with sadness. He brushed the tears off my cheek. Because they were back.

"Bella, I don't want you to regret anything. In the morning… you might regret this." He lowered his eyes, ashamed. "_I_ might regret it."

I'd thought I'd seen the end of the earth and lived. I thought I'd stared on the most vile of predators and survived. I thought I'd known heartache. But when he said that—that he'd regret it—I was crippled. Again, I was so shocked I couldn't breathe. The rejection of what he's just said tightened in my chest and crushed what was left of my heart.

"You'd regret making love to me?" It caught in me throat like an un-swallowed pill. Hot wet tears followed the trails left by their predecessors. He pulled me into his arms and nuzzled me lovingly, kissing my hair. I shook against him, feeling the desolation and emptiness.

"Yes," he answered sadly, his voice catching. "I would if that's not the direction your heart wants to go. Because you would never want to give _me_ what belongs to someone _else_."

"But Edward, I…" Before I could finish, before I could tell him that I loved him—that I belonged to him—his lips were on mine, silencing me. He crushed our mouths together in a way he had never really done before. He was still careful, always mindful of my fragility, but he wanted me to shut up. He wanted me to forget what I was about to say. I knew that's what he was doing, that he didn't want me to say any of it. He didn't want me to say that it was not the way it was, once again telling him that I loved him, or needed him, or that there was nothing standing in our way. Because I hadn't done anything to prove that to him. I hadn't given him any reason to trust me. He pressed himself into me so desperately I thought I'd die from it, it ripping away at my insides. My heart pounded rapidly, beseeching him to end it all now. If he _did_ crush me, if he loved the life out of me right there, at that moment, I would have welcomed it. But he didn't. Because he couldn't.

Slower and slower, our lips moved together, until he broke the kiss. I gasped for the air I'd been missing. He kissed my nose, my eyes, and finally my forehead, letting his forehead rest against it.

"We should go," he whispered sadly. "It's late."

I wanted to protest, tell him that I wanted to stay there with him forever, but I was so tired. The perfect evening that seemed so promising before had been dashed to pieces. I felt it was all my fault—of _course_ it was my fault. He lifted me up into his arms, as well as the blanket and CD player and carried me to the car as I leaned into him, too worn to fight everything that I needed to be fighting. I watched as we drove away, the tiny lights flickering out the rearview mirrors.

Neither of us spoke the whole way home. He watched me carefully, and finally he sighed and took my hand in his. My heart fluttered. I slowly rubbed it with my thumb, watching the landscape out the window. The ride did not last long enough, because we seemed to be at peace during it, and I did not know what would happen when we were no longer in the confines of his car.

We sat in the driveway silent for a long time, listening to the quiet echoes of the night. He finally sighed and turned to me.

"Bella, I'm _sorry_. I wanted tonight to be perfect but…" he hesitated before continuing "…I guess there _is_ no perfect for us."

He was about to continue, but I interrupted him.

"Come up. Spend the night." He watched me, staggering, unsure of how to proceed. I finally turned to look at him, and he was cautious.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

I snorted, so crippled at that point that I didn't care anymore.

"Is _any_ of it a good idea? I don't _care_. Please. I _need_ you to stay with me tonight."

It was a long time before he responded. He looked so torn, again wrestling with a force that stirred inside of him. He shook his head, looking forlorn, and I knew instinctively that all his movements were not for my benefit. He was trying to stick to the rules that he created but was finding that difficult. Finally, he turned to me. His voice was still unsure, but he nodded.

"Okay. Let me take the car home, and I'll… be right back." He kissed me softly on the cheek and I climbed out, closing the door behind me. "See you soon."

He backed the car out of the driveway, and I stood there watching him leave. He'd been out of sight for a long time before I even moved.

**Chapter Notes:** Well, there you go. A little love. A little more knowledge, and a whole lotta angst. Sorry for the cliffy. It will be well worth all the waiting. Promise.

Remember, there are two sides to every story. In the next few chapters, you'll start to see all the stuff behind the scenes that Bella's been missing. Don't hate her too much—we all have regrets, things we wished we would have said.

Please, let me know what you think! I CANT WAIT to hear! Love you all!


	13. Chapter 13: Facing The Truth

**A/N:** Thank you for all the fantastic feedback that you've all given me. I take all of it into consideration while I'm writing. Your support means the world to me, and I'm just so thankful that you are all out there, still reading! Thanks a bunch!

If you visit my profile, I've added a poll at the top of the page about your feelings about Breaking Dawn. If you get a chance, please take a look—I need the feedback for this story. Also, I've started a thread at the twilighted (dot) net forums. I'll be posting spoilers, and answering questions. Join me! We can all talk about how stupid you think Bella is being. I plan to have outtakes from this story too, in other characters' perspectives. Save me the humiliation of starting my own thread and come chat with me! I'd love to hear what you guys have to say! It's under The Alternate Universe FanFiction thread. Here's the link: http://www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=33&t=7418. The link is also in my profile!

**Just another quick side note: Saw NEW MOON on Friday afternoon! AMAZING! I don't think we could have asked for a better book to movie adaptation! Though I missed Edward… Eclipse in June… Eclipse in June… more Edward…**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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**XIII. Facing the Truth**

It had been nearly twenty minutes since he'd left. I paced nervously in my bedroom, waiting for him to return. Charlie was already asleep when I'd come in, which I'd been thankful for. I was hoping to not have to explain myself to him. Any of it. I had a momentary wash of guilt for him too. We hadn't really talked in weeks—though with my dad, that didn't constitute much anyway. Still, I felt like I'd neglected that part of my life too. I'd have to find a way to fix it before long.

I very nearly ran right up the stairs and into my room to wait for him. I hadn't even bothered to change. All I could focus on was his return. Though I knew it was ridiculous, I worried that he would decide not to come back. After everything tonight, I wouldn't blame him.

I don't know why I didn't tell him, come clean with all I'd done over the past weeks. He'd given me plenty of opportunities to tell him exactly what my plan had been all along and why I was doing it. But I just _couldn't_. Every time I considered it, I felt myself falter, stumbling over the words and gasping for breath. There was the fact that I didn't know what to do yet about Jake, or how I was going to tell him what I'd done, how I'd lied to him. I had to figure that out, for one. I couldn't tell Edward anything until I figured it out—until I had a solution.

But then, I knew it was more. I could feel it clamping at my heart, the desperate need to cling to him. I was _terrified_. How do you tell the one you love that you pushed them aside to make another man happy first? How do you tell the holder of your heart that you lied to them to bring their rival _their_ happily ever after? I was petrified that this would ruin me in his eyes, make him doubt me, even more than my alleged confusion had. To him, I was now simply torn. If I told him the truth, I would be wickedness itself, his hell personified. I could not bear that. The intense fear of that stopped me.

I was still pacing when he arrived. I turned and he was there, still dressed in his cotton pants and open shirt. His hair was tousled from running. We paused and neither of us moved for a fraction of a second.

That instant was too much separation. The impulse to be in his arms was too great. I threw myself at him, crashing into his chest. He wound his arms around me immediately, the intensity radiating from our bodies. Immediately his lips found mine, and our lips moved together quickly, greedily. There was no hesitation, no reservation, and he stroked my face and arms and back urgently, hungrily. We panted together as we fought to get more and more touches, find more places to put our fingers and hands and lips. He needed this as much as I did.

I couldn't touch him enough, couldn't have him touch me enough. I could taste him on my tongue, sweet and succulent. He did not push me away as he normally would have. He was as active a participant in our dance as I was. He wound his fingers in my hair and held my face to his. It was fast, and the air crackled around us with the electricity coming off our bodies. He lifted me slightly, pulling me to him, and we moaned together. All I wanted were his lips on me, moving in perfect synchronization with mine. For too long, I'd missed this. Though it had only been about a month and a half, it felt like forever since we'd had an open opportunity to do this. In truth, though, we'd never done _this. _This was more. This was pure desire, need. Survival. Finally, I needed to breathe.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. _God_, I'm _so_ sorry." I panted desperately as our lips separated. He held me still against him and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against mine.

"Bella, stop. You have nothing to apologize for. Shh." He gently rubbed my back and murmured to me. "If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me."

We stood there together, our foreheads together and his hands in my hair, just breathing together. He kissed me lightly on the forehead and stepped back to look at me.

"I'm done hurting you tonight. Please? Let's just forget tonight ever happened." He watched me carefully. His eyes were pleading, and I nodded and stepped back into him. He sighed and held me, swaying me slightly. "Now, why don't you get in some pajamas, and join me on the bed."

"You won't leave?" I looked at him suspiciously, and he chuckled.

"No, I'm not going anywhere," he promised. He rubbed my hand before letting it drop and hopping lightly onto the bed. I sighed, rummaged through my closet for some pajamas, and left to go change in the bathroom.

Quickly, I hurried out of the dress and into the pink silk pajamas. I silently thanked Alice for her random gift. I hadn't understood at the time, but now I was thankful for them. They weren't overly girly, a bright electric pink with black trim, but they were nicer than anything else I had to sleep in, and made me feel kind of sexy. When I came back, I saw that he was still in the same spot I'd left him, though he'd removed his shirt. It lay on the floor at the foot of me bed. The sight of him, bare-chested and lying on my bed, made me dizzy. My heart increased pace noticeably. He watched me, raising his eyebrows and smirking at my pajamas. I shook my head and muttered an "Alice" under my breath, suddenly a little embarrassed. I heard him chuckle softly. He lifted his finger and beckoned for me to come join him.

I sat down next to him, and he opened his arms to me. I nuzzled into the crook in his arm and looked up at him. He held up his free hand and I interlaced my fingers through his, shimmying us down further so that we were lying together.

"I don't _want_ to forget tonight, by the way," I told him. "There were parts that were really good." He absentmindedly played with my fingers.

"Oh, yeah? Like what?" He played off as indifferent, but he watched my face carefully out of the corner of his eye.

"Like the beach, how pretty it was. And the way you looked, standing there waiting for me in the water." He focused his eyes on me now, and gave me a playful grin.

"Okay, what else?" We shifted so that we were facing each other, our heads still on the pillow and noses only an inch apart.

"Um, well. Dancing with you, and having you hold me, and kiss me, after such a long time of not doing that." The memory of his kisses, the way he touched me, and the way that his caresses burned on my long-forgotten skin made me shiver. I inhaled deeply and he smiled.

"Anything else?" he whispered. I lowered me eyes and pulled my body closer into his. He reached up and interlocked our fingers again. I pushed my legs between his so that our hip bones touched.

"Having you tell me you loved me again," I whispered. "I _won't _forget that. And…and having you tell me how much you want me." I still wasn't looking at him, so he shook my hand free and tilted my chin up so that he could kiss me lightly on the lips.

"I _do_ love you, and I _do _want you." I snuggled into him. He held me close and kissed my hair. "I'm sorry that you'd ever doubt that."

We stayed like that a long time. Every once and a while, he'd kiss my hair, or my forehead, or my temple. I was content just to breathe him in, nestled safely in his hold. I thought about all the things I wanted: him, Jacob's happiness, my own happiness, immortality, to have them both in my life forever, to be forever connected with the La Push wolves in some way, and my vampire family. None of these things meshed, really. Their only connection was me. How could I want two very different sets of things at the same time? There was no way I could have everything. I couldn't be Edward's wife _and_ be what Jacob wanted. I couldn't be part of the life and spirit of the reservation _and_ have the Cullens too. Something was going to have to give.

Edward looked down at me in the dark, probably expecting me to be asleep. Honestly, I felt very tired after such a long evening, but I wasn't quite ready to give up on it yet. Parts of the night had been magical, and I wanted to hold on to those for as long as I could. Edward made it seem like tonight was all we'd have, and if that was the case, I was not ready for the day to end. He watched me carefully.

"Not sleepy?" His tone was playful but cautious.

"No… Well, yes, I am. But…" I sat up and he propped himself up on his elbow. "Can I ask you something?" He nodded hesitantly. I swallowed, trying to get the nerve to ask him what I wanted. It was very strange, even I knew that, and I didn't know what his reaction to it would be. Finally, I just decided to come out with it.

"Are we friends?" I whispered, averting my eyes from him. When he didn't answered, I peeked at him through my lashes.

He furrowed his brow and sighed.

"Yes. I think of you that way, I suppose. I think of you as _more_ too, but you _are_ my friend. In fact, you're my _best_ friend." He took my hand, smiling slightly.

"I'm your _best _friend?" I squeaked. I stared at him, thrown by what he'd just said. It wasn't really what I thought he'd say. I expected that he _didn't _think of me that way, that he couldn't, especially after our long absence. In truth, I didn't put the two together. My experience with love and relationships was limited, and the two were not always exclusive and inclusive. How many people loved their significant others, but found solace from them in their friends. One did not always fit with the other, and when I thought of Edward, "friend" was not the first thing I thought of. I thought that Alice, or Emmet, or even Carlisle, would be his _best _friend. But me? The surprise in my voice made him smile wider. He kissed my palm.

"Yes, Bella. That surprises you? There is no one else I'd rather spend my time with, no one with whom I can be myself with as much as I can be with you. There is only one person whom I care whether they're with me. When you're not, I miss your presence. You're the first person I want to see when I have news. I want to share things—_everything_—with you. I find myself happy and fulfilled when we are together. Lighter. Isn't that what a best friend is?"

"Well, I feel that way too, but…"

"But you thought that I couldn't see you that way? Get past my love for you? Bella, that _is_ love." He sighed again and his smile slowly slipped away.

"No, actually. I was wondering if that's _all_ we were," I replied glumly. He reached over and tilted my chin so that I was looking him in the eyes.

"Bella," he whispered, "I wouldn't be here now if all you were to me was a friend. You are _so_ much more."

I'd always considered Jacob my best friend. He had been there for me when I needed him. But part of me rationalized that the only reason I went to him in the first place was because Edward was gone. Had I needed anything, and Edward was there, I would have never run to Jake. There was no denying that Jake and I had a strong bond, and I would always feel that connection to him. But Edward was the first one I thought of when I woke up, and he was the last thing I wanted to see when I went to sleep. If I could have turned back the hands of time, he would have _always_ been the one who I wanted to go to first. I closed my eyes tightly and breathed deeply, wincing back the memory pain.

"Edward, I can't bear to be without you. I _can't_ live without you in my life." I felt the hot burn at the corners of my eyes, but fought the tears. When I opened my eyes, he was watching me, hovering over me protectively. He smiled sadly, and brushed my cheek softly. Then he pulled me into him as we relaxed on the bed.

"You never have to," he whispered, kissing my hair one last time. "Now, sleep."

"Will you be here when I wake up? Please?" I could hear the words slurring together as I sank further into him. My cognizance faded quickly, my body giving into my exhaustion.

"Yes, I'll be here. I promise."

That was the last thing I remembered before I slipped into a deep, restful sleep.

* * *

The sunlight was warm on my face, as it streamed in from the open shades of my window. I didn't open my eyes right away. My body was reacquainting itself to being awake, and I used it to search for the cool body that I longed for. I smiled when I recognized his presence, my hands gently stroking him beside me. Finally I opened my eyes. He was watching me.

"You stayed." I rolled over lazily and stretched, content. I'd slept better than I had in such a long time—so deeply and peacefully. He smiled back down at me and absentmindedly stroked my arm.

"Of course I did. I promised I would. I wouldn't have missed _that _for the world." He raised his eyebrows and smirked.

"Oh, god. What did I say?" I felt my cheeks heat immediately. Of course I was talking in my sleep. My dreams had also been very vivid. Edward had given me _plenty_ to dream about the night before—he eyes his hands, the dancing, the romantic music. The graceful contours of his hard body as they dipped into his linen pants. My dreams were hazy now that I was awake, but the idea was still there. They were very, very good, and _very_ tactile.

"Hmm," he murmured into my hair as I tried to shield my embarrassment from him. "Let's just say, it took everything in my power not to wake you up." He smiled widely, and I blushed a deep crimson all over again. I sighed and he wagged his eyebrows. "It's been a long time since I've listened to you talk in your sleep. Thanks."

I rolled my eyes. There wasn't much I could do about it now. At least he knew how much I desired him. I rose to stretch my legs and pushed back the covers to begin another day. "Do you want to wait here while I get dressed?"

He gave me a sorrowful look and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Actually, it's getting pretty sunny out. Looks like a bright, warm day again. I should probably go before anyone would have a chance to see me."

My heart reacted, screaming in my chest. I wasn't ready to give him up yet. Just in case.

He saw the panic that probably found its way to my eyes.

"Bella, you probably want to shower, have something to eat. And I need to go hunting. We'd planned to go away, just for the day. But, if you want to come over tonight, I'm sure Esme would love to see you. Maybe we can plan something out?" I softened and smiled, nodding.

"Okay. That's good." I liked this similar-yet-new dynamic that we had. He kissed my forehead. He moved to get up, and I let him move away from me. He collected his shirt off the floor and put it on, buttoning it up this time. I rose and walked over to him. He opened his arms to allow me to snuggle into them. I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his chest. He kissed my hair.

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you wanted me to stay last night," he whispered into my hair. I strained my neck so I could look up at him without moving away.

"Me too. I'm sorry last night was such a mess." He brushed my cheek and kissed my forehead. "But everything is always clearer in the morning, right?"

"Is it?" he muttered sadly. "I feel like…like we took two steps backward last night."

I thought about it. In some ways he was right. We'd broken each other's hearts, once again. We'd hit walls, and I _still _hadn't explained things to him properly. But in other ways, I knew that he'd moved me just that much closer to the end. I was determined to put an end to all the suffering. I realized that no matter what, there was no way I was getting everything that I wanted. Something—some_one_—was going to have to suffer. It was all up to me what and who that was.

"No, I don't think so."

"I hurt you. In a way that is inexcusable. I should have never said those things to you, Bella." His expression broke my heart, his sadness clearly showing through.

I reached up and stroked his cheek.

"Edward, I've been hurting you too. Why don't we just stop that?" He smiled at me.

"I can live with that." He wrapped me up tighter in his arms and we stood there, just breathing. I don't know how long it was, because I was so content to stand there and let j=him support me while I breathed in the delicious fragrance that was only Edward. He finally whispered in my ear, "I _was_ wrong about something, though."

Curious, I pulled back to look at him. He was watching me intently, and I raised my eyebrows to encourage him to go on. He leaned into me, pressing his body up against mine. Suddenly, I was no longer content, but exhilarated, as currents ran between our bodies, zapping me wherever he touched me. His eyes burned and I licked my lips involuntarily.

"I was wrong, last night. When I said that I'd regret making love to you? I was _wrong_. I would never—_could _never—regret that." He leaned down to kiss me, and I felt my knees give out. He supported my weight and held me up so that there was no pause to our kissing. Every doubt that he didn't love me was washed away by him now. I gave into him willingly. I filled my lungs with him, and I felt suddenly alive in ways I'd forgotten were possible.

He pulled away, and I grabbed for him again, but he held me gently off. Instead, he kissed me lightly on the forehead.

"I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me." I nodded and leaned up again to give him a quick peck on the lips.

"I forgive you," I told him seriously. I was still a little stunned by his confession. "If you can do the same for me."

He sighed, and looked back behind him at the window.

"I've got to go." He turned to go, releasing his hold on me, but just before he made it there, I grabbed his hand. He spun around at the contact and I was in his arms again, crashing into him, desperate for his contact. How could I let him walk out on me now? He couldn't resist kissing me one more time. I put my head on his chest again and sighed. "You're making it very hard to leave," he chuckled.

"Edward?"

When I looked up at him, my eyes were shy and damp. My breathing was unsteady and deep, and he took my face in his hands. I bit my lip. He waited patiently for me to finish.

"You were wrong about something else." I put my hands on his chest and focused on them, sliding them over his torso and around his back. He reacted, wrapping his arm around me again and pulling me into him so that my belly was up against his and he held me up. "This morning? There's nothing that I would have regretted with you. All the things that I wanted last night? I still want them now."

It was true. I wanted him as badly today as I had last night.

He sighed as I looked into his eyes. He leaned down again to kiss me, slow and intense, our lips moving rhythmically together. There was so much there that I wished he could know, so much I needed to tell him, but there were other things to attend to first. I broke away breathless.

"I love you," I whispered. He winced just a little.

"I love you too. I'll call you." He kissed the top of my head lightly, and then he was gone, vanished out the window and into the woods.

* * *

I spent the rest of the morning cleaning and doing laundry. Menial tasks, but ones where I didn't have to think too hard. That was necessary, since most of my mind was filled with the events of the evening and that morning. Charlie had left early again, going into work. I was glad I didn't have to try to be normal around him. I didn't think I could pull it off convincingly. I didn't _feel _normal, not that I actually knew what that felt like in the first place.

By noon, the house was clean, the laundry was folded, and I was fidgety. I wanted to see Edward again, and waiting until tonight had me on edge. Plus, I'd put it off long enough. I had to go see Jacob.

It wasn't that I didn't want to see him, but a part of me felt guilty for it. Actually, a huge part of me did. On one hand, I felt guilty that I couldn't stop thinking about Edward, and I was flustered. I didn't know if it was right to have Jake see me that way. I was a terrible liar, and we were still caught up in this game. Plus, he didn't deserve that. On the other, I felt guilty that I hadn't told Edward that I was going to see him. I was not quite ready to admit everything, put it all out there in the open. I knew it needed to be done—quickly—but I had to sit down and organize my thoughts first, so as best to not hurt them as much as possible. I didn't have any idea how I would do it, but it had to be soon. Things would be much easier after I saw Jake, I was sure. There was just something I had to ask, something I needed to know.

I already knew what his answer would be, and a part of me wondered why it even mattered to me anyway. Jacob did not share Edward's scruples. If I offered myself to him physically, he would take the opportunity in a heartbeat, regardless of my reasoning. It would be good enough to him that I'd suggested it. It wouldn't matter if I was "undecided," as it did to Edward. He would not hesitate to use that to his advantage, and he wouldn't think twice about Edward. I already knew that, but I had to hear it from him first. Because a part of me wanted to know _why_ he wanted me. Maybe it would help me in all of this, help me find some way to make everything right again—if I only knew _why_ he wanted me.

I ate some lunch quick and packed up a bag to take along with me. I wasn't sure if I'd be back in time to change for meeting Edward for dinner. I threw a couple of different things in my bag, not sure what else we'd be doing. I scribbled out a note to Charlie, letting him know there was lasagna in the fridge for dinner, as well as baking instructions, and that I was going to visit Jacob and I didn't know when I'd be back. I figured that would be easier than telling him I was seeing Edward. He was still not thrilled that I even still saw him at all.

Just as I was grabbing my keys the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi." Edward's voice rang out crystal clear through the receiver, and I felt myself turning to mush. My heart picked up pace and my breathing became erratic. _God! He was just on the phone! _

"Hey," I returned casually. "Aren't you hunting?"

"We are, but I wanted to confirm with you for tonight. Esme's really excited. She wants to make you dinner."

"Dinner, huh?" It sounded funny to me that a vampire wanted to make me dinner. I laughed a little at the joke.

"Your need for food has brought out this whole Julia Child-homemaker side of her we've never seen before." He chuckled and his tone was light and playful.

"Well, okay then. Anything to make Esme happy. What time do you want me over?"

"Right now," he whispered huskily. "But for arguments sake, let's say…seven? Is that alright?"

"Yep, that's fine. Is that all? I remember you telling me that _we'd_ make plans too." I imagined him smiling on the other end, happily playing this game with me. It was a little like flirting.

"Actually, there was something else I had in mind. How does a moonlight piano concert sound to you?" His voice was velvety. I had to grab hold of the table for support.

"You'll play for me tonight?" I breathed. It had been so long since he'd played the piano for me. It reminded me of the simpler times he'd wanted me to remember the night before.

"If that's what you want."

"Yes, that's perfect." I was so excited, I thought I'd burst. Perhaps things were not as bad as I'd anticipated.

"Good. Then I'll see you at seven. Do you want me to pick you up?"

"No," I said, remembering that I would probably be going straight there from La Push. I had no idea how long this would take with Jake, or if I'd hang out with him for a while after our talk. I intended to keep things light, and not bring anything up that would be too complicated, but I wasn't sure how it would pan out. "I'll meet you at your house."

"I'll see you tonight then."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone, still reeling about the prospects of the evening. It made me even more determined to see Jacob. I was not going to be able to hold out much longer. Not when I was staring my future in the face. I loved Jacob, of that there was no doubt in my mind. My heart wanted to make him as happy as possible. But I needed closure, an indicator of what I should do. Because I didn't know.

My stomach twisted as I drove to La Push. I wondered how it could be possible to feel this way. I'd never felt this way before about seeing Jacob, and I really wasn't worried about the answer to my question, because I already knew what he'd say. Plus, it didn't really matter, since it was only for curiosity sake. Maybe a piece of me was afraid at _hearing_ it. It was one thing to _assume_ what my attraction was for him, but another completely to hear him say it.

The Rabbit was sitting in the driveway. I sighed, relieved. At least this part of my day would be over sooner than not. I didn't relish the idea of having to hunt him down. I probably wouldn't have tried, if I was being honest with myself.

I didn't bother to knock. There wasn't much point anymore. I seemed to be as much a resident of La Push as anyone, and I'd stopped the formalities long ago, falling into the comfortable life that they shared. Billy was in the kitchen, and greeted me with a warm smile. I returned it.

"Hey, Bella. Good to see you!"

"Thanks. You too. Is Jake here?" Billy pointed to the couch on the other side of the room. The TV blared in the background, and I could see Jacob lazed over the length of the sofa. His massive body barely fit. It looked like he had fallen asleep. "Thanks."

Billy seemed to sense a need for some privacy, so he maneuvered his wheelchair around to the back door.

"I'll be out back if you need anything."

"'Kay." I was surprised by the sound of Jake's voice. I had expected him to be sleeping. It was rough and lazy, like he was really tired.

"Jake? God, I thought you were sleeping." He sat up and looked at me. His expression stopped me dead. His face did look pretty tired, drawn and gaunt, but that wasn't what made me halt in my tracks. It was the look of anger that marred his normally jovial face. He was scowling at me.

"Nope." His tone was short, and he popped the "p" acerbically. He flopped back down on the couch, turning to the television again. I wasn't sure what had brought this on, so I decided to ignore it for the moment, coming to sit beside him on the couch.

"So, um. How are you?"

"Just _great_," he replied sarcastically. I found myself becoming impatient by this display of teenage indifference. It reminded me of when he was first transforming, and it scared me.

"Jake, what's _wrong_?"

He sat up abruptly, and nearly tossed me on the floor from the movement. The look on his face was a mix of anger, annoyance, and sadness. It made me want to hug him, but he didn't look like that's what he wanted at the moment.

"I don't know _Bella_. Did you have _fun_ last night?" He spat it out like it was poison. I didn't know what to say, too shocked to move. Was he upset about my date with Edward? I thought I'd mentioned it. Maybe not. Was he really having a fit because I went out with him? How was that fair, when he got all the dates he wanted from me? I began to get irritated by his attitude.

"Are you talking about my spending time with Edward?"

Jacob snorted. "'_Spending time?'_ Is that what you call it?"

I was confused. I shook my head trying to let him know how lost I was at the moment.

"What is going on?" I was standing now, as he'd made it impossible for me to sit, taking up all the room. He stood up quickly, making me move back a half a step. I could see the anger in his eyes.

"Bella, I _know_ you were with him last night. That he took you somewhere, and I couldn't find you!" He was nearly yelling at me. I held my ground, equally as angry by then. He stepped back and softened, and I first saw how worried he probably was. For a moment, I had an urge to comfort him, though I was the one being attacked. It lasted about a second, because then he spoke again. "I know you spent the whole night with him."

Suddenly, our roles reversed, and I became angry—so much so that I nearly spat. What _was_ it with everyone? Did they all think that they had a right to tell me who I could, and could not spend my time with? He seemed to be accusing me of something, and I wasn't going to take it. Not from him. Not when I'd done so much—given so much—to make him happy.

"_What?_ Do you have wolves posted outside my bedroom window now? God!" I threw my hands up in the air. Jacob froze. He stared back at me wide-eyed, and his jaw dropped. I watched him carefully and suddenly became worried that he'd had an aneurism. The look on his face was one of shock and sadness. I immediately lamented my attitude, and reached out to touch him, make sure he was okay, but he shied away from me.

"_Bedroom?_" he choked. His voice was a mere whisper. All the anger that had been there was replaced with grief. I didn't know what to say. Why was he so surprised? Hadn't he known that? Wasn't that why he had been so mad? He looked like he'd been slapped. "He was with you in your _bedroom_?"

I stood there. The conversation had gone south quickly. Still confused, I wasn't really sure how to continue. I didn't know what I could offer him. I didn't know what the problem was exactly. We stood staring at each other silently. His chest heaved up and down in tandem with mine, but his face held the agonized expression.

"Talk to me. Please!" I pleaded. Suddenly his tone turned to anger again. The hurt had burned out of him for the time being.

"Seth went to visit your _bloodsucker_ last night. Stupid kid. Thinks they're big buddies and everything." I could hear the venom in his voice. "The little one told him he was with you. So he hung out, waiting for him. He said Edward never came home last night."

I was still confused.

"So what?" I was grasping at straws trying to find out why he had been so upset. "I don't get it Jake. You've got to give me _something._"

"I thought you went away with him at first, that he stole you away, and that you weren't coming back." he spat. The pain returned to him, and he turned away from me. "Guess it wasn't like that though, _huh_? I didn't know he was with you in your _room_. Guess you can have both of us at the same time and be okay with that. I thought you'd at least officially _choose _between us before you got all horizontal with him!"

The realization of what he was saying hit me like a mack truck. I staggered, grasping the edge of the sofa for support. I finally understood why he'd been so upset. At first he was upset because he thought I'd chosen Edward over him. Now he was upset because I thought I'd made love to him, _without_ choosing him. It made me dizzy. My head pulsed with the anger I was fighting back. I felt it throbbing, echoing behind my eyes like I was under water.

He turned. Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled me hand back and let go, using the full force of my ability. I'd learned from the last time I'd tried to hit him that my hand would take the brunt of it. My palm hit the side of his cheek with a deafening crack.

It didn't really hurt him, but I watched as the emotional pain of my action spread over his countenance. I didn't care. All I saw was red.

"Jacob Black, how _dare _you assume that!" I balled my fists. "If anything did happen, which it _didn't_, it would be none of your god damn business!" I turned on my heels and ran out the door, letting the screen door slam loudly against the frame. I got to the car and flung open the door, throwing myself in and putting it in gear before he even made it to the door.

My knuckles were white as I drove home, as fast as the Guardian would take me. I couldn't believe how angry I was. I tried to think through the haze. How could he have turned on me like that? I wasn't sure where it was coming from. It was so unlike him. Like he wouldn't take the same opportunity if it was given to him. Why did all the men in my life center this whole fiasco around _sex_? I wanted to cry, but couldn't. The anger that I was feeling clouded over every trace of sensibility that I had. The guilt hadn't caught up with me yet.

When I pulled into the drive, Charlie's cruiser was there. I thought that was strange, since he shouldn't have been home yet, but it didn't really occur to me that there was anything to worry about until I was staring at him face to face.

He was pacing around the living room, biting his fingernails. I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I opened the door. Still in his uniform, gun still at his hip, he turned to look at me. His face twisted with anger, regret, and guilt. Anger won out.

"Bella, we need to talk."

The phrase made me sick to my stomach. I tried to shake the feeling that this was going to be bad. I sighed, defeated.

"What's up, dad?"

He took a moment before he continued. I could see how uncomfortable he was, but Charlie was never very good at important discussions. He usually avoided them at all costs. Which is why the dread of this one was slowly creeping up on me.

"I got a phone call from Jacob." At that moment, my heart stopped beating. I froze, unable to continue. I put my bag down and watched him carefully. Charlie sighed. "Bella, was Edward here last night?"

I didn't answer him right away. What was I supposed to say? _Yep, Edward was here, half naked in my bed, and I wanted him to rip my clothes off, Daddy?_ I didn't think that would go over very well. So, I said nothing. He raised his voice and tapped his foot.

"Bella?!"

"Yes, dad. Yes!" I spat out, throwing my hands up in the air. "Edward was here."

Charlie sighed again and rubbed his face roughly with his hand. I noticed how tired he looked. _Thanks a lot Jake! _I thought.

"Bella, I know you're an adult but…" He rubbed his eyes.

"But what?" I retorted. My tone was harsh, harsher than I'd meant it to be. I'd missed so much of the summer already with him, and there was a good chance I'd be going away soon. It wasn't fair to take this out on him, I knew, but I was so mad.

Suddenly he looked up, anger radiating from his face again. The look he gave me was somehow pained.

"My house. My rules."

I spun, feeling the bile rise into my throat. I wasn't sure what caused it. I'd never had this sort of relationship with my dad, but suddenly, I was so angry.

"What rules are those? That if _Edward_ is the one in question, I'm not allowed? That because it's _him_, you suddenly have an opinion?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Jacob's spent the night here before!" I yelled.

Charlie rolled his eyes and pointed his finger at me.

"On the couch. _Not_ in your bedroom. _Not behind my back._"

Again, I wondered why I was being attached by everyone today. They all acted like I was some sort of hussy. I wanted to throw something.

"Charlie, how is this _any_ of your business?"

"What you do in my house _is_ my business!" he shot back.

"What I _do_, dad? What is it that you think I _did_? Nothing happened. It was a rough night, okay? I didn't want to be alone."

"That's what I'm talking about, Bella." Charlie sighed and turned, rubbing his eyes again. For a fraction of a second, I felt very sorry for him. This had to be hard on him, and I didn't want to have to put him in this position. I was his daughter, after all. He turned back around, pleading with me. "How do you think Jacob feels about all this? That you spend the night with Edward after all these weeks."

I stood there, taking in what he'd just said. Realization sunk in that this wasn't just about sex.

"Is that what this is about? Did Jacob call and tattle on me so that you would plead his case for him?" I could feel the rage coming back, quick and deadly. He shook his head quickly and put his hands out like I was an armed criminal. He scowled at me.

"No Bella. I don't like what you're doing to Edward either. You're stringing them along—both of them—and it's _wrong_. I didn't think you were that type of girl."

I stepped back, thrown by what he'd just said. Instantly I was on the defense. I had no idea where this was going, but I didn't think he was being fair. If he'd only known exactly how much the situation with them was tearing me apart, he would be defending me, not laying into me. But he didn't, and I couldn't tell him, and the fact that he didn't seem to care made me sick.

"What _'type of girl' _is that, Dad?" I was whispering, struck, and it sounded like I was hissing.

"The kind that plays games like this with guys. I thought you were smarter than that." He sighed again. It was obvious that the conversation was beginning to wear heavily on him. "Listen. I can tell you care about both of them, okay? But don't you think it's time you picked one of them?"

The guilt that I nearly constantly felt snuck up on me and I bowed my head.

"It's not like that. I just…"

"Can't? I know. I get it. Even I can see that." He came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. For the briefest second, his touch was comforting, the way his embrace was supposed to feel. We stood that way for a minute before he stiffened. I felt his grasp on me become firm, and I looked up into his eyes to see what had caused it. His face was a mask of authority again, set and strong. "Which is why I feel it's time for me to step in. For your sake, and theirs."

I eyed him cautiously. "What are you saying?"

"Bella, I don't know who you are anymore. I don't want you to see Edward anymore. He's not welcome here. Jacob either. I want you to take a break from them—_both _of them—for a while."

It washed over me like a strong current. Every date, every assurance, every day I'd spent trying to make everyone else happy seemed useless for that moment. I felt guilt for putting both of them through all of it, for making it harder than it probably had to be, and for what I put Charlie through. What I put myself through.

But there was another side of me—a stronger, more violent side—that was gnashing it's teeth. Who was he to tell me what decision was best for me? Who was he to take away all that I ever wanted? Wasn't it time I stood up for me own future, even if I'd mutilated it into an unrecognizable form? I set myself, ready for the brawl, and made up my mind at that moment. I hated to do it. I hated to hurt him. But I would not lie down and let him take my future from me.

"You can't tell me who I can and cannot see!"

He stood firm, his focus unwavering. "I'm _not_ negotiating. I'm sorry, but I think this is best for you. As long as you're living here, you abide by the ground rules I set."

It went exactly as I'd expected it to go. He'd fallen right into the place I'd expected him to fall. I stared at him for a moment longer, and then softened. The physical change in me was enough that Charlie noticed, though he didn't let his guard down. I straitened and closed my eyes to keep my voice in check.

"Okay." My tone was giving, light and accepting, and Charlie was taken aback. He looked at me dumbfounded for a minute, as if I was going to explode any minute.

"That's it?" he asked incredulously.

I nodded stoically.

"That's it," I responded lightly. "You're right. I'm putting you in the middle, and that's not fair." He finally relaxed, scratching his head. I watched him carefully.

"Well, okay." His tone was relieved and optimistic. He even smiled a little at his apparent victory. I didn't say anything, just turned and grabbed the bag that I'd dropped on the floor. I rummaged inside it for a moment, and then began to grab things that were sitting around the living room: my book, a pair of my shoes, my iPod. I shoved them all into my bag. Charlie was watching me, confused. I turned and headed up the stairs. "Wait, where are you going?"

I turned, my face blank and expressionless.

"To pack. I'm moving out."

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**Chapter Notes:** Angry Bella! Maybe she'll start putting things in proper perspective, huh? And I _wonder_ where she'll go...hmmm... I love you all for all your reviews, but I need more. It's like Christmas morning every time I open my mail and see a review!


	14. Chapter 14: Moving Out

**A/N:** Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. I appreciate each and every one of them. You have no idea how much I look forward to hearing from you. I've been steadily receiving more and more feedback from people. I just want you all to know that your support helps drive me. Please join me on the Twilighted (dot) net forums under Alternate Universe fanfiction. Lot's of fun stuff planned.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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**XIV. Moving Out**

The fury of the afternoon that had run through me like wildfire was starting to burn out, and it was being replaced with the worst kind of hurt.

* * *

Charlie hadn't put up much of a fight, all in all. As I ran around trying to organize my belongings into one small backpack and a duffle bag, he left me alone as if nothing was abnormal. He gave me the space that I was hoping for, probably because he thought I just needed some time to cool down, that I'd mull it over in me room for a while, and finally cave. I was trying to make sense of everything, and was still fuming.

It wasn't until I made it down the steps with my bag, keys in hand, that he really started to plead with me.

"Bella, _please_. This is silly." The worry was evident in his voice and his eyes showed the fear that he must have felt. But at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to care. Something inside me had snapped when he told me I couldn't have them anymore.

"It is not 'silly.' It's for the best, and I won't live somewhere they can't be, because like it or not, they _both _are a part of my life in one way or another." Neither of us moved for a long time. He stared at me, his brow furrowed, and I stared at him resolutely. Finally I sighed, reached up to kiss him on his cheek, and walked out the door. I threw back an, "I'll call you."

He _didn't_ try to come after me. I _didn't_ look back to see him standing on the steps, though I knew he was watching me leave, distraught. As angry as I was, I was afraid that if I did, I wouldn't have the strength to keep going. I managed to keep it all together as I drove out of town, but as soon as I got onto the road where I was sure no one would be able to see me in passing, I crumpled.

All the emotions of the afternoon came to a head, and my control of the situation was slipping as I was alone. I pulled the car off to the side of the road and parked. That was when it all hit me. I _was_ alone, I had hurt two of the most important men in my life, and I hadn't cared at the time. Plus, I was currently homeless. It took me a long time to get it together, but I finally managed to hold on long enough to form rational thoughts. Despite the fact that I felt like a complete ass for the way I'd treated my dad—and the way I treated Jacob, really—there was a sort of freedom that this new situation offered. I continued to drive, tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision slightly. It was good that I knew the way well.

The house seemed quiet, and I wondered if they were even there. I knew they had been out earlier. Without knocking, I stepped into the large, open living room. It was bright and sunny, and I reveled over how beautiful it was. The air swirled with the afternoon sunlight shining through the big windows. Everything was so still, if I didn't know better, I would think the house was completely unoccupied. It only took a second for me of my standing there, and I was surrounded by the Cullens. Everyone was there, hovering protectively.

Edward swept in and wrapped me quickly in his arms, concern lacing his features. His arms were strong around me, and I felt safe. Tears rolled down my cheeks at the realization that he was there for me. His voice was panicky and his eyes were wild.

"Bella, love. What's going on? Are you all right?" He pulled away slightly so that he could hold my cheeks with his hands. He looked at me with intensity, searching my eyes fervently. "Tell me what's going on?"

My lip quivered at the memories of the day. "Oh, Edward!" I threw my arms around him and he held me protectively. He must have looked up at Alice, afraid of this kind of reaction from me. She motioned to me, indicating that he should ask me.

"Love, _please_ tell me what the hell is going on." I could hear his strain, and his voice was such that it caused me to sniffle. I looked up at him, feeling so silly for letting my emotions get the better of me. I hadn't given him any answers, and I was slightly worried that he would lose it.

"It's _awful_." He looked down at me urgently, waiting for me to go on. I sighed heavily. "I went to La Push today."

Instantly, his face changed from concern to fury, and me let out a low growl that I could feel reverberate in his chest. He tightened his hold on me and clenched his teeth. His body trembled as he tried to hold back his emotions.

"What did he _do_?" Rage marred his otherwise velvet voice. His hold on me tightened, though not uncomfortable. His body hummed with energy and his body was tense waiting for my explanation. I could tell the effort it was taking him to control himself.

"Edward," Carlisle cautioned slowly behind me, as a warning. I turned, finally remembering that they were all standing there watching the scene, and I blushed in embarrassment. I'd forgotten that he and I weren't alone. They too looked worried. I'd come here with the intent to stay, knowing that I could find solace with Edward, but had forgotten about the rest of the Cullens. I realized that they were as much a part of this as Edward was, and they deserved as much as he to be included, to know why I was there. I needed all of them to help me, and I needed to explain myself quickly before a coven of protective vampires descended on La Push. I shook my head hastily.

"We fought—Jacob and I—about last night. I'm fine, but…" I looked up into Edwards eyes. The fury was still there, burning fervently, only calmed enough to let me proceed. I was thankful that he was being patient at that moment. He was desperate to find out what happened, but I sensed that if Jacob had hurt me, Edward would be out the door as soon as the words left me mouth, hell-bent on my retribution. "It was…_bad_. He was angry, and…cruel about it. Well, he ended up calling Charlie and telling him that you stayed last night and…"

I was having a very difficult time getting this out. The emotions made the words stick in my throat, and I couldn't seem to form sentences that would make sense to them. I buried my face in his chest again for a moment trying to find my bearings, and breathed deeply. When I looked up his eyes were searching mine frantically, still a bit confused.

"I moved out." His face softened a little, and he relaxed beneath my hands. He breathed deeply. I could feel as the energy around him lessened ever so slowly. No one said anything, just waiting for me to continue. So I said the only thing that truly mattered to me at the moment. "Can I…well, can I stay here?"

He closed his eyes tightly and began to scowl again. The fact that he didn't answer me did not escape me. It was not how I thought it would go. He held me close, but seemed to be thinking very hard about something. He opened his eyes and searched mine, a look of melancholy on his face. When he frowned and shook his head, I panicked again. I watched him, distraught, and begged him with my eyes. Edward stepped away from me just a little, though his arms still held mine. He closed his eyes again and sighed.

"Bella, I don't think that's a very good idea."

For a moment, the room spun. I felt my knees give out, but something held me up. There was an echoing in my head, and all it could feel was pressure between my eyes. Everyone seemed far away as the tunnel vision narrowed, like I was sanding far away from everyone. But Edward still held my arms by my elbows, braced against him. Then, in an instant, everything snapped back into focus.

I stepped into him again. "Please? I have nowhere else to stay." I was near tears, the phrase catching in my throat. He watched me, pained, wrestling with his own emotions. I didn't understand.

"Of _course_ you can. You're _always_ welcome here." I turned at the sound behind me. Esme came up to me and wrapped her arms lovingly around me and kissed me on the cheek, pulling me slightly out of Edward's grasp. She gave him a disapproving look. I turned back around to look at Edward. He was watching us. "Edward, _please,_" Esme pleaded.

"No." His voice was clipped, firm and cross. "You _know_ that this is not a good idea, Esme."

I buried my face into her shoulder, taking comfort in her rather than the man that I loved. This was not how it was supposed to go. I was not supposed to be fighting with him too. He was supposed to make me feel safe. I hazarded a quick look at him, slightly afraid of what I'd find in his eyes. If he no longer wanted me, I knew I wouldn't survive.

When our eyes met, I only saw his pain. There was something that was haunting him, something I did not understand. He watched me for a moment and then softened, pulling me away from Esme and into his arms again.

"Listen, Bella, I don't think you should fight with your father over this. Charlie is a good man, and he loves you. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to get in between you."

"You don't understand, Edward. _Please_," I pleaded. Then I bowed my head and whispered. "I don't have anywhere else to go." It was Carlisle that finally spoke. He voice rang out clearly, and everyone's heads snapped in his direction.

"Bella, you can stay as long as you like. Our home is yours." I turned quickly, and heard Edward sigh behind me. I didn't have time to react, because Esme swept in and wrapped her arm around my shoulder again, pulling me towards the stairs and away from Edward.

"Come on, Bella, honey. Alice and I will show you your room." They glided me up the stairs effortlessly. When we got to the top, I looked back. I wished I hadn't. Below, Edward was rubbing his temple grudgingly and speaking heatedly with Carlisle.

* * *

Alice and Esme made sure I was as comfortable as possible. The room was bright and pretty like the rest of the house, decorated in shades of green. Though I was sure it had never been slept in, a big four-poster bed sat in the middle of the room. It was piled with decorative pillows and covered in a downy comforter with sage and silver swirls on it. An oak dresser sat in the corner of the room, and matching nightstands sat on either side of the bed. Tiffany style lamps gave the room a soft, muted glow. Giant windows lined one side of the room, looking out over the grounds. Everything looked neat and tidy, all coordinated. Alice quickly put away all the things I'd brought, frowning at my clothing choices. She muttered about needing to buy me new clothes. I even had my own bathroom, and they showed me where all the human things I'd need were located. They worked around me, busying themselves with making me comfortable. But the only thing that would make me feel comfortable is for the man downstairs to accept me, and it didn't look like that was going to happen. My heart broke at the knowledge that he didn't want me there—in some capacity, he felt it was a mistake. They finally left me to get acquainted, and I slumped down on the bed, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together.

My heart ached. It had received the worst kind of beating today. I fought with Jacob and my father, and now it seemed as if Edward regretted my even being there. I curled up and put my head on the pillow, facing the expanse of bright windows. New tears sprang up, dampening under my cheek and leaving a wet spot on the pillow.

The knock at the door made me sit up abruptly. I quickly wiped my face with my arm.

"Come in." I expected Alice, or maybe Esme. One of them had mentioned bringing me another blanket, for what, I had no idea. I was surprised when Edward popped his head in, waiting cautiously in the door. He held the blanket in his hand.

"Alice said you needed this." He looked uncomfortable and stood there. Neither one of us said anything for a long while. Finally he sighed. "Bella, can we talk?"

My heart pounded wildly. Part of me wanted an explanation, while the other half just wanted to stay in the dark. If I didn't know, maybe it wouldn't hurt quite as badly. He came over to sit beside me on the bed.

"Are you alright?" He whispered. He didn't make any moves to touch me.

'Yes." I didn't look at him. I kept my attention on the floor. I was lying. I was not alright. I was afraid and sad and rejected. I didn't know why he had tried to turn me away but I imagined the worst. He leaned over and tilted my chin up with his finger, searching my eyes.

"_Talk_ to me," he begged. I didn't say anything and a tear slid down my cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb.

"You don't want me here," I whispered painfully. Immediately, he pulled me into him, and nuzzled my hair. I reveled in the feel of him, even if I did feel broken. I couldn't stop myself from wanting him, even if he didn't want me. Even if this was all I'd get, I wanted it so badly. I heard him sigh.

"Apparently I'm not very good at my job," he said.

The phrase threw me off, and I looked up at him questioningly. "What job is that?"

"Showing you how much I _desperately_ love you. How much I _need_ you." He leaned down and kissed my lips tenderly. When he broke away, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine. "You don't know how _much_ I want you here. Bella, that's _all_ I want. I want this place to be yours, I want you to live with me, I want this to be the place you come when you need to feel safe. I want you to come _home_ to _me_. You don't know how much I wish for that every second of my existence."

I couldn't help the involuntary leap in my chest at his words. It was like salve on a burn, and it left me weak with need. I leaned into him instinctively, needing to touch him, so that my back was against his chest. He wrapped his arms protectively around me.

"Then why did you fight so hard to keep me from staying?" I whispered. He turned me and looked at me thoughtfully.

"Because I don't want you to fight with your father over me. Because he loves you and wants to protect you. And because has _every right_ to be angry. My staying would normally be very inappropriate and disrespectful—to him _and_ to you."

"I don't care. Even if you and I _were_… well, even if what he assumed was true, it wouldn't give him a right to make my decisions for me. He told me that I couldn't _see_ you—_either_ of you—anymore. Not just that you weren't allowed at the house, but that I was to sever all ties. I won't sit back and let him take you away from me."

He brushed my cheek. "He's probably hurting right now," he said quietly. The reminder made me wince.

"I know," I said sadly. "I do regret that I acted so childishly. But I don't regret standing up for you. And Jacob made me _so_ angry. I suppose I took a lot of that out on Charlie." I furrowed my brow at the memory of the fight with Jacob.

"Tell me." His voice was calm and smooth. For a moment I watched him to see if he would show the same anger he'd shown earlier, but he didn't. He remained patient, waiting for me to tell him what exactly had happened. It was a reminder that I _could_ tell him anything…well, _almost_ anything.

"Well, he assumed, too, that we were..." I rolled my eyes uncomfortably, unable to actually say it. "Well, that you staying over wasn't as innocent as it was. He was so distant—and angry—and I didn't like the way he was treating me. Some of the things he said were so unlike him. He was _mean_. So, I slapped him, and left."

Edward was smirking, probably envisioning me slapping Jacob. I thought back to the time that he had kissed me and I'd tried to punch him, in turn breaking my hand. I flexed it instinctively and it ached at the memory. Somehow, I'd have preferred the kind of anger I showed that day to the kind I'd felt earlier. That kind of anger didn't hurt my heart so badly. I tried to shake it off.

"He must have called my dad while I was on my way home."

"And told him that I had spent the night," he offered, finishing my thought.

I nodded sadly. "Charlie didn't like that so much. God! I can't _believe_ that he'd do that to me again!" He'd played the card before, trying to get me into trouble so that Edward would suffer. That he'd be foolish enough to try it again baffled me. It hadn't worked out for him then either.

Edward rubbed my arm. "I'm sorry," he whispered solemnly.

"You don't need to be sorry. This was my choice."

"I know, but I hate to see you hurt, and I know that you are. Even though _you_ decided to leave Charlie's house doesn't mean that the decision doesn't hurt you. I wish I could make it go away." He wasn't looking at me, just staring out the window. I leaned over and pulled his face so that he was staring me in the eyes.

"Thank you," I whispered. I looked at him for a long time. "I _really_ need you, Edward. I needed somewhere where I could feel safe." I kissed him lightly on the cheek and he sighed.

"So, I guess this means you haven't changed your mind. You're staying, huh?"

"Yes. If…if you'll have me." I peered up at him through my eyelashes, just waiting.

He sighed more softly and then smiled playfully at me, all his early frustrations gone. "Oh, well, I guess I can live with that. I suppose I have no choice but to give into you. I can hardly deny you anything. Did you need anything else?"

Happy with the knowledge that he truly did want me, I looked around the room, realizing that I had actually brought very little with me. In my anger and haste, I just grabbed whatever I could get me hands on, but it wasn't much. In fact, I had no idea what I'd brought. I wondered if I even had any matching outfits.

"To be honest, I didn't get a whole lot of my stuff. I couldn't fit much in my bag, and I was a little distracted trying to pack. I don't really even have any clothes."

"Well, I could have Alice run back to the house for you, grab some more of your things."

"Okay, sure. You don't think Charlie would try to shoot her, do you?"

Edward chuckled. "No, I doubt it. He loves Alice—it's _me_ he's probably _really_ angry at. And besides, she's pretty sturdy."

He rose and went to go get Alice, but before he could call for her, she appeared in the doorway.

"Bella, what would you like me to bring back for you?" Her perky soprano voice made me smile.

"Not much, I guess. Some more clothes. A couple of pairs of shoes. My toothbrush."

Alice rolled her eyes. "_Okay_, but I'm not getting you anything ratty and worn, so don't ask. And no sweats. I am going to have to do some shopping," she muttered as she walked out the door.

Edward turned back around to face me. I was suddenly struck with how beautiful he was. For a moment, a thrill of excitement ran through me at the thought of living with him, despite how sad I was about Jacob and my dad. He watched me curiously at this new turn in my demeanor.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked. He sat down next to me on the bed and I leaned into him again.

"Just how nice it will be to have you so near—to be able to wake up and know that you're right here. Not having to wonder where you are or what you're up to—I like that part of all of this." He bent down to put his face in my hair, and I felt him smile.

"Do you still want to continue on with our plans tonight? It's okay if you choose not to. I'm sure Esme will understand if you'd rather not have some big production after a day like today." I turned and looked at him.

"No. I want to keep our plans." I was determined to not let Esme down, and the idea of an evening listening to Edward play piano seemed so relaxing, something to take my mind off of all of it. Again, I thought about the fact that this was my _home_ now, even if just for a short time. Edward smiled at me as if he was thinking the same thing.

"Good. That will make Esme very happy. She's really gone all out." Suddenly, his face changed. I watched him as he rose slightly, as if he was waiting for something. He turned towards the door listening and I heard him snarl quietly. He turned back around. His face was a mask of annoyance. "You have a visitor."

I looked at him questioningly, and he sighed, taking me by the hand and leading me to the staircase.

When we got downstairs, Jacob was standing near the door, looking irritated and uncomfortable. Esme and Carlisle were trying to be gracious hosts, despite his insolence. My first reaction was to run to him and hug him tightly. I knew he would be warm and comforting, and despite the fact that these past few weeks had been tense between us at best, I still loved and trusted him. But then I remembered the events of the afternoon—how he had spoken to me—and I wanted to kick him out. I could do that here now. It was _very_ tempting.

When he saw me come down the stairs, his face lit up. But then, like me, he must have remembered why I was there in the first place, and set his jaw disapprovingly. Edward was close behind me and put a protective hand on the small of my back when we reached the foot of the stairs.

"Bella, what are you _doing_? Charlie is worried _sick_!" His voice was full of censure, but I could hear the genuine concern behind it. It didn't cool my anger much, though.

"Because of _you_! Again! Jacob, how many times are you going to tattle on me to get me in trouble?"

He rolled his eyes and Edward hissed. I could feel him tense on my back, and I wound my hand behind me and put my fingers to his torso to indicate that I was fine. The feeling of his cool, hard body sent chills up my spine but I quickly shook myself to get back to the task at hand. Edward quieted and relaxed a little at my touch, though I could still feel the strain in him. Jacob stiffened at the sight of me touching him.

"Shut up, vampire. This is all _your_ fault in the first place," he spat. I stepped forward and pointed my finger at him. Carlisle and Esme slipped out quietly.

"Jacob, don't you _dare_ talk to him that way. First of all, this is Edward's home, and I won't let you stand here and talk to him like that. Secondly, this isn't _just_ about him. If I didn't move out, I wouldn't be able to see you either. I'm sure _that_ didn't come up while you were playing informant with Charlie, huh?"

Jacob staggered and softened. He looked at me dumbfounded. He furrowed his brow and cocked his head to the side. He looked as though he were about to ask about that, but thought the better of it.

"Well, why did you come _here_? You could live with _me_." His voice was soft and pleading now, the worry that was buried before showing predominantly. Edward growled again. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Right! That's a _great_ idea! Because you've been _so_ pleasant to me today. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now!" At that, Jacob looked at the ground sheepishly. I tried as hard as I could to stay angry at him, but the part of me that was his friend—the part that fought so hard to make him happy—won out. I sighed heavily again, relenting my anger.

"Well, it's not _fair_," he muttered, still looking at the ground.

"What's not?"

"_He'll_ get to see you all the time." He sounded like a pouty little boy who was just told '_no_.' I wanted to reassure him that it wasn't like that, that I hadn't come here for that reason—that Edward was the one I _wanted _to see all the time—but I couldn't. Not when I knew that it was at least partly the truth. Even if we _hadn't _fought, this is where I would have gone. It was where I wanted to be. Edward finally spoke, breaking the silence that hung in the air between us.

"You're welcome here whenever you like, Jacob. I wouldn't begin to tell Bella who she can and cannot spend time with, and this is her home now. She can see whomever she wishes, whenever she wishes." He sounded so genuine that I turned to look at him confused, and he smiled sadly at me. Jacob, too, was flabbergasted. He stood there looking at him incredulously. I reveled at how tolerant Edward always seemed. It was very generous of him. "You're welcome to stay now, but Bella's made plans with my family for the evening."

Jacob relaxed and smiled smugly, letting his cool attitude return. "You know, I think I'm going to take you up on that offer. Bella, do you want to go for a walk with me?" He offered his hand and held it there.

I panicked. I looked back and forth between them, unsure of what to do. Edward watched me carefully but nodded to indicate that I should go.

"Go on," he whispered behind me. "But be back in time for dinner." Then he leaned forward and kissed me lightly on my forehead. "Call me if you need anything."

He turned, and was gone before I could say anything. When I turned around again, Jacob was staring at me expectantly. He motioned for me to follow, offering me his hand still. I didn't take it. I was still a little miffed at him for the way he had acted, the way he had treated me earlier, even though I'd already decided to forgive him. He still didn't deserve my hand, so I made it a point not to slip mine into his. Plus, I didn't want to blur the lines anymore than I had to. Not there. Not in that place. Not with Edward so close. I'd already done more than enough to hurt him.

I also suddenly remembered that Jacob had, once again, called my father for the intent of getting me and Edward in trouble so that I wouldn't be allowed to see him. I huffed past him and out the front door.

The light shined brightly through the thick tree cover, scattering the ground with brilliant patches of yellow. Jacob kept pace with me and didn't speak, which I was thankful for. We walked over the lawn, and I could feel someone's gaze on our backs. I didn't dare turn around to see which one of them was watching us, but I knew that they were. I didn't feel the familiar buzz of electricity, but _someone _was keeping their eyes on us.

We wandered in silence away from the house, just letting the ground crunch beneath our feet. The air outside of the house was calming, and I let the warm afternoon sunshine waft over me and bring me peace. Jacob didn't say anything, but I could tell that he was still reeling from finding me moved in at the Cullens'. I felt slightly bad for him, though I knew that I shouldn't. While I could see where he'd be hurt and confused by my actions, he hadn't given me many options. If anyone should have been angry still it should have been me. I had been so shocked when he'd treated me that way, and I wished I could go back in time and make it better. But I couldn't. It was not the only thing I wished I could take back.

The Cullens' warm welcome had calmed the hurt that I'd felt from earlier that day. And Edward's confession had all but wiped out my sadness. It all came rushing back when I saw Jake there, hunkering in the doorway ready to attack them. I just wished that he hadn't come in and insulted them. That made me feel guilty for their generosity.

"You know, you were really rude back there." We had been walking a long time and were far enough away from the house that I was sure we were out of vampire earshot, though that probably didn't matter with one of them on our trail. I knew Edward would have someone looking out for me regardless, and the feeling of being watched hadn't dissipated as we'd gotten further from the house. Jacob narrowed his eyes at me. Obviously _he_ wasn't over our fight.

"Oh, I'm _sorry_. I'll remember to be nicer to the _leech_ next time." His fake sweetness was biting, and it annoyed me. I could hear the pain behind it though, and I checked myself of the anger, trying to maintain the rationale that Jacob lacked.

"Stop it. You know, he's been really generous these last few months."

He snorted loudly. "_Has_ he?"

"Yes, he _has_. All those weeks ago, he could have given me an ultimatum Jacob, told me to give up on you or he would be done with me, but he _didn't_. He's let me have the freedom to spend time with you, so much so that I never see him."

"I didn't realize that he had to _let _you do anything. You know, I wish he _would_ have given you an ultimatum." He sounded young, and brooding not like the towering man that he appeared to be. I always forgot that he _was_ young. Still a boy for all intents and purposes. I never treated him like the sixteen-year-old that he was. _I'd_ never felt sixteen, and I was only just realizing that our ages really were much more different than I'd ever believed. He may have looked twenty-something, but in many ways he was nowhere near close to how old I felt. His lower lip stuck out, just a bit, and I thought I saw it quiver. All the rage that he had shown before melted from him into genuine sadness.

I lowered my voice to barely a whisper. "No. You _don't_."

His head shot up to look at me, surprised. I could see the sudden alertness there in his eyes. The sadness was replaced by anger again.

"_Why_? Are you saying you wouldn't have fought for me? Would you have just given in?"

"I would have been unhappy about his decision—that he would do that—but…" I let my voice trail off.

"But you would have chosen _him_. Okay, I get it." He shot back at me, and looked away, stricken. I saw all that he had been going through. What did I expect? Hadn't _I_ done this to him? Hadn't I led him along? I imagined how I would feel if I were in his place, and he or Edward had done that to me—strung me and another girl along, never making the right decisions. I felt nausea wash over me, and I fought the urge to cry. I imagined him always being in anticipation, and feeling rejection when I chose to spend time with Edward—never knowing what I was doing with him. Never knowing if that last time we spent together would actually be the last. More guilt.

But he always seemed so sure of himself. He always seemed to believe whole-heartedly that I loved him. There never seemed to be any doubt. I'd imagined he thought it was Edward whom I was playing with, and not him. That is why this had worked out—how I had planned it to work out. But as he stood in front of me, I realized that I had not only been hurting Edward with my plan, but I was also hurting Jake. Because neither of them _knew_. I was stringing them along, and failing miserably at it all.

"Listen, he's given me the opportunity to… spend more time with you. To really figure this out." I motioned between the two of us, trying to make my expression as blank as possible.

"I thought he didn't tell you who you could and couldn't spend time with," he returned sarcastically. He was obviously still very angry with me.

"He doesn't, but I wouldn't have risked losing him completely then." He finally looked up to look me in the eyes. There was something unrecognizable on his face, though it seemed a lot like hope.

"Then? And now?" he shot back, and I winced.

"Now?" I could hear my own voice shake, and I dodged his question. "Well, now I still don't want to lose either of you. You'll have to accept that he's…a part of my life, and that I'll always _want_ him as a part of my life. But I'll also always want you in my life. You're my friend, Jake. It's gotten a whole lot more complicated lately, if you can believe that, but that is still the case. And the idea of you and I not being friends hurts."

I watched him carefully. He seemed puzzled, as if he was trying to work through a very difficult math problem in his head.

"So this whole thing—moving in with him—you didn't go there because you are choosing him?" There was that damned hope again. He was jumping to conclusions because I'd allowed him to hope, and I couldn't bring myself to crush him right then and there. I sighed. I hated giving him hope that would come to futility, but it hurt too much to rip it away from him. Again, I maneuvered around his question.

"Listen, Jake. I can't go somewhere where he _can't_—where he's not welcome. I'd never go anywhere that you're not allowed to come." He waited for me to continue, a small smile turning up on the corner of his lips. He nodded slightly, obviously appeased with that. Perhaps in his mind, the playing field was still level. Perhaps he saw that as a sign that I didn't know who I wanted. The truth of the matter was that I wanted them in my life in different ways. I just didn't know how to fix everything yet.

It was true that I would never go anywhere where Edward wouldn't be able to readily get to me. I would never be able to live in La Push. I could never be in a place where Edward couldn't come to see me, where I would be remote and unavailable to him. I was not strong enough for that. I needed him too much. But I would never live I a place that Jacob wasn't welcome to come either, because I couldn't deny that I needed him too. They may not get along, but I knew without doubt that if I wanted Jake to visit me, the Cullens would never ban him. Not even Edward. So it was the truth, but not the _whole_ truth.

"But I'm not going to lie to you. Edward was the only one I felt safe with today. He was the only one who I could go to."

I lowered my eyes, and he took my hand. When I looked up, he was staring at me, solemnly.

"Bella, I'm_ sorry_. I acted like such a jerk today." He begged me with his eyes for forgiveness, and though I didn't know what the compulsion was, I was drawn to him. I'd done so much to him, taken so much for myself. That didn't replace the feelings of betrayal that had hurt me so.

"Do you want to know what the worst part was?" I said. He waited for me to continue. "It reminded me of when you were changing. It scared me."

"Yeah, it kind of felt like that to me too."

Neither of us said anything for a long while, we just continued to walk together, lost in our own thoughts. I shuddered at the memories of that very empty time in my life. I wanted to block it out completely.

As we continued on, the air seemed to clear between us. There was no need to say it: I forgave him, and he forgave me, and we both just knew. Finally, he looked up at me and smiled. I returned it. I felt more comfortable with him in that moment than I had in months. For that brief period of time, there was no pressure. I was not trying to find anyone for him to imprint on, and he was not trying to seduce me. Things were easy in a way that they had not been in a long time. I felt like _this_ was the Jake that I needed, _this _was the Jake that was meant for me. Not as my lover, but as the _friend_ I knew I could casually walk and talk with. The one who I could just _be _with. Now I just needed to make him see that.

The sky was turning shades of pink near the earth, and I sighed. We needed to get back before Edward sent out a full-fledged search party. I knew we were still being watched, and I was slightly thankful for that. At least he would know I hadn't betrayed him even more.

"Do you want to stay for dinner tonight? I'm sure Esme made plenty."

"_Right._ I'm sure they want me there." He scoffed, but then smiled at me, looking through his eyelashes.

"They'd be okay with it. If it's what I wanted."

"Is it what you want?" His tone became smoldering, and again, there was tension between us. My moment of comfort with him went away with the breeze. I felt the need to put on the charade again. I was tired.

"Jake, you know I like having you around," I hedged, "You know, when you're being nice." I playfully nudged him. He smiled widely at me, and threw his arm over my shoulder, pulling me back towards the house. I felt his lips on my hair.

"Ugh, Bella. You are going to smell so bad from now on." I chuckled slightly, but I remained tense. We didn't say anymore, and that was good, because it was easier. Somehow I was going to have to find a way to fix things. To end them.

When we got back to the house, Jacob came inside. The Cullens were all crowded in the living room, laughing. Edward looked up, looking surprised that we were back, though I knew that was all an act. I noticed that Alice was still absent from her visit to my dad's—a trip that should have been relatively quick. I wasn't surprised. Jacob stood uncomfortably in the entry way, shuffling his feet.

I went up alongside Edward. He deftly threw his arm around me and pulled me close.

"Miss me?" I whispered discreetly. I couldn't resist, though I knew that I was taking a chance with Jake there.

"Of course. I was wondering if you might not come back." For a second, I was worried that he might be serious, but he smiled down at me. He released me and moved towards the door, where Jacob was watching us, his eyes dark with unabashed hatred. Esme followed quickly.

"Jacob, we'd love it if you stayed to have dinner with Bella," Esme offered, once again amazing me with the Cullens' generosity. I noticed that she didn't say "for dinner," and wondered if she'd avoided the phrase on purpose. Rosalie snorted behind her and Esme gave her a warning look. "We have plenty, and I'm sure Bella would love the company."

I turned around to encourage him. He looked like a deer in the headlights. I stifled a giggle.

"Um, er, no thanks. I mean, I really… appreciate the offer and all, but I'm sure my dad is wondering where I am. I took off kind of fast." He shot me a sheepish look. I was pleased that he seemed to be trying to be civil, though he kept making faces.

Edward nodded. "Well, you're welcome any time Bella wants to see you." I was sure that he meant it, but I didn't miss the subtle edge in his voice. He reached over and squeezed my hand and then released me.

"Thank you, Jake. It means a lot that you came," I told him sincerely. Even though the day had been disastrous, I welcomed his presence. I was willing to overlook the fact that he'd been a jerk, and it was pretty much his fault. Okay, not _completely_ his fault. I didn't forget who had instigated most of the problems that we all had.

"Thanks for forgiving me." He smiled hugely. Then he looked over my shoulder and raised an eyebrow. "So, can I come visit tomorrow?"

"Sure. Tomorrow," I said. He quickly reached out to me, pulled me into his arms, and gave me a squeeze. It was innocent, but when he moved away a little and looked down at me, I was suddenly sure that he was going to try to kiss me. I heard Edward huff behind me, and I moved quickly out of his way. Jacob furrowed his brow. I smiled at him innocently.

He sighed and turned toward the door to leave. I followed him out, and with one final look, he took off. I stood there for a long time after he was out of sight, wondering again how things could get so bad. How had I let them escalate into this? The thing about it was that I was _happy_. At that moment, where I was, I was happy. Even though I knew I'd hurt Jacob. Even though I knew my father was in pain. Even though everything still hung in the balance, I was _happy_. For the first time in a long while, I was feeling content. This felt more natural than anything that had happened over the last couple of months. I felt like I was where I needed to be. Edward's cool hands slid around me and shook me from my silent thoughts. He was bending down so that his arms were wrapped around my waist, and I wrapped my arms around myself so that they were resting on him. He rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Are you hungry?" he whispered in my ear.

"Yes." I sighed and turned around. I was surprised that he didn't move away from me. Our bodies were pressed up against each other.

"Did you have a nice walk?" An innocent expression crossed his face. I narrowed my eyes.

"You don't know? Maybe we should ask Alice. She's been running a lot of errands for you today, hasn't she?"

"What? If you are implying that I sent her to spy on you..." Then he laughed and kissed me on the forehead. "I am only looking out for you."

"And you weren't at all worried about us being alone because you're jealous?" He furrowed his brow and looked away.

"Come on. Esme has dinner ready." He turned, loosening his arms around me, but I caught him and made him face me again.

"Edward. Please don't be like that. I know I haven't given you much reason to trust me but I promise, it was just a walk." He stared at me, and it was hard for me to read his face. More pain? I wasn't sure. He sighed.

"I want you to be happy," he said softly, "and I'm always amazed at how forgiving you are to the people that hurt you the most, and I'm not excluding _myself_ from that. I'll never deserve your forgiveness for the things I've done. But that doesn't mean I don't _worry_."

"Worry? What is it that you worry about, exactly?"

"You," he said, brushing my cheek with his fingertips. "Always about you."

I wanted to call him out on that, tell him that he worried about himself too—that I would hurt him more with Jacob—but I didn't want to fight. I'd had enough fighting. I wrapped my arms around him.

"Okay," I sighed. "Let's eat."

* * *

Esme's meal had been wonderful. She'd made baked chicken with potatoes and vegetables—very comforting. It amazed me that a vampire who didn't eat and was repulsed by human food was able to cook so well. I had eaten more than I probably should have.

Edward, Esme, and Carlisle had stayed with me while I'd eaten, which made me a little uncomfortable. It seemed to please Esme tremendously, though, that I had enjoyed it, which in turn pleased Edward and Carlisle. She was already planning the rest of the week's menu.

The rest of Edward's family joined us out in the yard after I'd sat a while to digest. The sun had disappeared long ago, and it was a clear, starry night. A faint glow from the big windows helped to illuminate the area, while tealights were spread in various places over the lawn. They twinkled in the still air. A few benches were clustered together under the trees. I was surprised to find the piano sitting in the middle of them. Edward chuckled at my reaction.

"What and where did you _think_ I was going to play for a moonlit piano concert?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I guess. It's just so dreamlike to have it out here." He chuckled again.

He motioned for me to take a seat on the bench nearest to the piano. I obeyed, and Alice came and sat next to me. She threw her arm around me, and Jasper slid next to her. Behind us, Esme and Carlisle snuggled together on the bench. Emmet sat down next to them. Rosalie seemed reluctant to join us, looking in my direction with distaste. She stood against the wall and scowled. Emmet shot her a look, motioning for her to join him, and she finally sighed and sat down next to him. He smiled and threw his arm around her, pulling her in tightly.

Edward began to play. The first song was happy and light. I couldn't place it and figured he'd created it himself. I tried to imagine what he'd been thinking. A thousand different scenarios played in my head, none of them full or complete enough to tell a real story. At times, I grieved for the parts of his life that I'd missed, moments in time that made him who he was. I wished I could share all of them with him, so that he was never alone, and I knew everything. He'd experienced so much I would never know, so much I myself would never experience—the hurt, the pain, the joy. I was suddenly struck by the fact that there was so much of his life to come, and I worried, despite the happy melodies, about missing any of that. _What if all of this blew up in my face?_

His songs varied, from somber and soulful to airy and joyful. I closed my eyes for a long time, just allowing the music to swell in the night air and fill me. It reverberated through me like a physical force, and I lost track of time. He shifted key and tempo slightly, maneuvering effortlessly from one song to the next, and it felt so natural that I never noticed the shift. A few of the melodies I could pick out, but Edward added his own flair to many of them, making them uniquely him. I could feel his very presence in them.

The tune changed again, and I instantly recognized my lullaby. I opened my eyes. To my surprise, we were alone. The night was dark, and many of the candles had burned down so that they were only faint glows in puddles of wax. I wondered how long he'd actually been playing. With my eyes open, there was a new alertness. I realized that it had gotten just a bit cooler, though I was still comfortable. He tilted his head, indicating that I should come join him on the bench. I obeyed without hesitation.

He took my breath away, the emotion flowing out of his fingertips onto the ivory keys. I stayed still next to him. I was sure that if I moved, it would all disappear and I'd wake up.

His fingers lingered on the last few notes, and they hummed in the still night. I put my head on his shoulder as he dropped his hands from the keys and he buried his face in my hair. Neither of us moved for a long while.

"Thank you," I whispered. "That was…amazing."

I could feel his lips turn up against my head.

"I'm glad you liked it. You were a _captivating_ audience." His play on words made me smile.

"Captivated, too." The effort of speaking made me aware of how spent I was from my long day. Inadvertently, I yawned. He sighed.

"Okay, bedtime." Before I had a chance to protest, he'd lifted me up off the bench, carrying me easily in his arms.

"You know, it would be a whole lot more convenient if I didn't have to sleep." He smiled sadly.

"But you do, so there's not much point in fighting it." I wanted to tell him that there was a point in fighting it—to spend every single moment with him forever—but he looked resolute, and I figured that now was not a good time to get into it. I let him carry me upstairs. When he was at the door, he set me lightly on my feet. The energy surged between us. I knew he could feel it too, because he looked torn.

"Are you going to keep me company tonight? Like last night?" I leaned into him, pressing the full weight of my body against his. He sighed.

"I shouldn't."

"Why? I doubt _your_ parents would care," I snorted. He chuckled.

"No, but I don't want Jacob Black to be right." I raised my eyebrows questioningly, and he dazzled me with a mysterious half-smile. He tapped his forehead. "He doesn't want me taking advantage of you while I have you here with me."

I sighed. Of course Jacob would think that, but the truth of it was that I _wanted_ him to stay with me. It wasn't taking advantage if I was the one asking for it. I knew I probably wasn't going to win. Maybe I could coerce him.

"Well, will you tuck me in?"

He smiled again, though I could tell he was deliberating.

"Get changed and call me when you're ready."

I went inside and changed into my pajamas as fast as I could. They were laying out on the bed for me, and I didn't really pay attention to them until they were on. My pajamas were a pair of silky drawstring pants and a tank top. Both new. I had expected Alice to replace my clothes, but not so quickly. I wondered how long she'd had them for me, simply waiting for me to need them.

I called Edward in. He opened the door slightly, and peeked in. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for his return. I fidgeted with my hands, suddenly nervous. I could appreciate that he didn't want to take advantage of my being there, but it was a moot point, since I actually _wanted_ him to crawl in with me. I missed his presence while I slept so much. He smiled when he saw me, letting the door swing open completely.

He came over to sit beside me on the bed. I looked down again at my hands and played with the hem of my tank top.

"Edward," I whispered. "Please stay."

I peeked up at him through my lashes. He was frowning, but not looking at me. I could tell he was fighting another internal battle. There were always two parts of him. His aloofness frightened me more than I knew was possible.

"No," he said simply. His tone was not angry, not upset. He was telling me that I would not be able to influence him and as always, he was stubbornly set in his ways.

"I want you to, you know. That isn't you taking advantage of me."

He looked over at me and smiled slightly.

"I know, and I _want_ to. Believe me." He sighed. "But the lines—the boundaries—are even more grey now that you are living here for the time being."

I turned to face him, eager to convince him. To me, it didn't matter. There was no line I wouldn't cross with him. I didn't even know what he was talking about in the first place, but I didn't care.

"They don't need to be. Not now, not tonight."

He smiled at me apologetically. "You know I'd do anything for you, but I'm not budging Bella. I'm not climbing in with you while you sleep tonight. Now get into bed. I won't be far. I promise."

He motioned for me to scoot up to the head of the bed and grudgingly, I did, as he pulled back the downy comforter. I slipped underneath, and he pulled the blanket up around me again. I sighed.

"Are you sure I can't convince you to crawl in here with me?" One last shot at it.

His chuckled and shook his head. "No, but if you need me, call me. I'll be very close."

"I always need you," I whispered. His brow furrowed and he sighed, leaning over and kissing my forehead.

"Goodnight, Bella," he whispered against me head. Before I knew it, he was at the door. He took one final look at me, sighed, and turned off the light, closing the door behind him.

"Goodnight," I said softly into the darkness. Then I rolled over and went to sleep.

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**Chapter Notes:** Now, I'm sure that I'm going to get plenty of you telling me that Bella should just tell Edward and get it over with. She's got two reasons why she won't do that yet: 1.) She doesn't know yet what she wants to do with Jake. She's spent all this time and effort on this plan of hers, and she doesn't want to give it up. She _still_ is trying to make it work out. She's decided not to _date_ him, granted, but she's hoping some other solution will present itself.... AND... 2.) She's beyond terrified of the repercussions of all of this. If any of you are procrastinators, you know how that is. If you've put something off for so long that it's now a problem, the aftermath of what will happen can be terrifying enough that you just don't want to deal with it. She's afraid that Edward will be so angry or hurt that he won't want her anymore. She's hoping that by coming up with a solution for Jake, she'll be better prepared to deal with Edward—as in, a peace offering of some sort. If she's got nothing, then it's just been a waste. Is it the right way to go? NO, but she's made mistakes. This is her dealing the only way she can rationalize. Please stick with me. We're getting very close.

And don't worry too much... she's LIVING with him now. How long would you be able to resist him, living with Edward Cullen?


	15. Chapter 15: Advancing

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who took the time to review the last chapter. It elicited some VERY passionate reviews, which is very good. I am happy that the story brings out such feelings and that you take the time to review rather than just dropping the story.

I wanted to clarify a point in the last chapter that had a few of you riled up: "I wanted to call him out on that, tell him that he worried about himself too—that I would hurt him more with Jacob—but I didn't want to fight. I'd had enough fighting. I wrapped my arms around him."

…That was not meant to be hateful or spiteful. She's simply stating that she recognizes that he might be worried about the future, and she wanted to tell him that he had nothing to worry about but can't. She expects him to "fight" because he'd deny it over and over, not because she said it in anger. She's being cautious.

I know that a lot of you are disgusted with Bella at this point, and I understand that. I am not happy with her either, but she is not being cruel intentionally or trying to hurt him. PLEASE remember that she is only trying to make things right even though she's messed it all up. This story represents the internal struggle of our good traits and our bad, clashing together and making a mess. The main characters each have good and bad traits that are in constant war with each other.

Many of you have said that she doesn't deserve Edward, or that he should leave her, and maybe that is true. But love is not about deserving the other person. If that was the case, I wouldn't have my loving, patient husband. Edward can't leave her. No matter what they do to each other (because he's hurt her in the past too) it is destiny.

Anyway, thanks for listening. And try not to hate Bella too much. After all, she's only human =), and we don't have much left. Come chat with us on the Twilighted forum. Good stuff there!

As far as this chapter goes, I hope you like it. There is section of this that has movie stuff in here, something that wasn't really in the books, but it is so fantastic and wonderful an idea that I fell in love with it, and it landed in this story. I hope you all like it as much as I do. It is very significant. Enough with authors notes! On to Chapter 15!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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There was immediacy to my thoughts, a frantic need billowing deep in my core, but I wasn't sure why. I had no recollection of anything at the moment. It was as if the world was coming to an end, and not in a drama-queen-teenager kind of way, but as if fire and brimstone were actually raining down. I tried to steady myself.

The fire part was not far off. We—Edward, Jacob, and I—were standing alone inside a small room. There was not much about it that I recognized, but the smell off it, airy and unlived in, was still very normal. The haze in my eyes caught me off guard, though it was a familiar feeling. The lighting was dim, and cast moving shadows on the walls. There were two beds adorned with gaudy multi-colored bedspreads that had been washed too often. A cheap wooden night table sat between them. The light came from two lamps anchored on the wall next to each of the beds. This was not abnormal. The fire outside the open windows was another story.

I watched it, mesmerized by the dancing flames licking the glass like they wanted to taste the inside air, dry and empty. Their rhythms lulled me, and I felt listless, which was a familiar sensation too. They pirouetted just below the top of the window, not like they were eating everything around them the way fires do, but like they were beckoning us to come out and play. There were voices, but they were hushed like I was underwater.

Cool hands gripped my shoulders and turned me. It wasn't until then that it _truly_ registered that I wasn't alone—I'd seen them out of the corner of my eye, but I did not acknowledge them as solid masses. Edward's face was in front of me, his eyes anxious and quick. He was beautiful, but the sight of him did not sooth me as it usually did. Instead, I felt panic creep up me from my toes, until my head rang with it.

"Bella," he said, but his voice sounded like he was far away, echoing through a tunnel "I'm _sorry_." His face twisted uncomfortably.

I smiled at him, confused why he was apologizing. I reached up to touch his face but stopped. My hand was all wrong, like it was someone else's. I recoiled. I felt like I was moving very slowly, while the rest of the room was flying around me.

He went over to check outside the window and I followed slowly behind him. It was daytime, or rather it was just light enough that it looked like daytime. There was no sun to indicate day, no blue sky. There was not any moon or stars either. In fact, I couldn't see anything that even remotely looked like anything—no trees or buildings or cars—except thick gray fog everywhere that swirled around with the fire, intermingling.

I furrowed my brow as he darted back and forth in front of me, his form blurring like melting watercolors and making me blink.

"Where's the sun?' I asked, though it seemed like a silly thing to say even then.

"There is no sun. They took it away," Jacob said behind me. I twirled quickly. His face held no emotion. He stared unblinking at me, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I looked out the window again. I saw dark shapes that looked like humans there in the mist and the fire. Somehow, they stood unharmed by the heat and flames. They were not clear, just hazy figures, but they were cloaked. I could see the tails of their capes moving around them, their hoods drawn over their heads. I gasped.

"What do they _want_?" I backed away from the window. Edward was running around in circles, but stopped suddenly.

"You," he said gravely, his face morphing into pain again. "But they will _not_ have you!"

"Edward," I whispered painfully.

He took my face in his hands but the coolness didn't match the placement. I only felt it on the one side of my face, as if he were brushing my hair back. The sensation confused me, and I found myself distracted. He pulled me to look into his eyes.

"Bella, _please_." That brought me back into the moment, though I found it difficult to focus. His eyes were so deep that I was losing myself in them, black as night. It was as if a thousand years of anguish were caught in his pupils. "I'm _sorry_. I need you to know that I love you." I stared at him blankly.

"I don't understand."

He held up his hand to silence me.

"Love," he started as he pulled me into his arms, "I want you to know that you have been my only reason for living, and I've never regretted any of it. You've given me everything I've ever wanted, and all the things I never thought to ask for."

He leaned down and tenderly put his lips to mine. I felt my pulse quicken, and our kiss grew, until I was left gasping for air. There was something very desperate about the way he kissed me.

"Edward," I breathed. I expected him to be smiling at me, but when I looked up, he was sad. He brushed my cheek, and this time, the sensation went with the action.

"I'm sorry. There is nothing that I want more than I want you. I'm sorry I can't be the one to keep you safe, and love you, and grow old with you."

"But I'm not _going_ to grow old." Though I didn't understand why, I felt the urge to reason with him, like I didn't have much time left to do so.

"I am leaving this with you." He held up my crystal heart. It sparkled brilliantly despite the low lighting. "It's yours, a representation of the real thing. Please take care of it now."

"No!" I screamed. I could tell this was bad. I closed my eyes and shook my head forcefully. "No Edward. Stop it!"

"Bella, please don't forget me." With that, he released me.

There was something final about his words and the look in his eyes, and I clung to him. He ripped himself away from me, over and over, as if he were peeling me off of himself. I could hear myself begging him, though I didn't have any cognitive recognition of myself speaking.

He turned to Jacob. I was still clinging to him desperately, and he pushed me into Jake's embrace. Jacob began helping him to peel me away from him.

"Please, take care of her. Watch out for her. Protect her. Love her the way she deserves to be loved. Take my place. Keep her warm." He let go of my hands that were gripping his uselessly. He leaned over and kissed my forehead, the cool pressure lingering there.

Jacob held me tightly as I watched Edward open the door. My mind was beginning to process things. The warmth swirled from the fire outside and shook my vision where it touched, but neither it nor the fire itself moved into the room. It swirled and spit like it wanted to, consuming all in its path, but couldn't. Like it was held by an invisible barrier that protected the room, a bubble that hovered over the doorway. Edward looked back at me once more, and I watched him vanish into the fire. He leapt through gracefully, and it was as if he hung there above the ground for just a little too long, like time had slowed for that moment.

I could _hear_ the fissure, my inner being severing itself from my physical body. It was an agonizing kind of pain, a thousand times worse than when he'd left before. I clawed against Jacob, but his grip on me was too strong. My body was acting on its own now: fighting fiercely against Jacob's weight, bucking and heaving to free itself, and spasming erratically, as the sobs broke free from my throat so harshly they burned.

I tried to call to him back, but the heat had reached my throat, scarring me. I scratched at my neck. It didn't help. There was no sound when I opened my mouth. I sobbed breathlessly, and collapsed to the floor.

Then the room swirled into blues and reds and oranges, and I felt like I was falling. And then I was. The sound of rushing air whipped past my ears. Everything turned black as midnight. That is when I gave up the will find the light.

* * *

I startled. When I opened my eyes, I didn't expect the bright sunshine to be in them. I blinked the sleep and sunlight out of my eyes. The dream had been so dark. I was intensely aware of how hot I was, In fact, I was sweating under the downy bedspread. That happened a great deal lately. I had been so used to having a cool body next to me for so long, so I had been especially warm these last few months.

Then I heard the most heart wrenching sound in the world.

"Bella, shhh. It's alright," Edward murmured in my ear. "Love, it was just a dream."

My mind quickly processed that, and a cool hand smoothed back my hair against the pillow. It noticed that the one side of my body was not as hot as the other, and that my hand was clenched almost painfully around the sheets. But it was my body that sprung to action. I threw myself into Edward's arms and began to sob.

He didn't say anything, just let me cry while he rubbed my back and shushed in my ear. I buried my head under his chin, and let him hold me close in the safety of his arms. After a while, I calmed, and he leaned forward and put me back on the bed. I was about to protest, but he climbed in next to me. I immediately found the comfort of his arms again.

"That bad, huh?" I heard the strain in his voice. I was much better, realizing it was a dream, but the dread that I felt would not shake. I knew Edward too well to write that off as a simple dream. If we were in that situation in reality, it would go exactly that way.

"It was awful," I cried. "I've never dreamt like that before."

"I know." He stroked my arm gently. "You had me worried. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head quickly. "It's starting to disappear, but I just can't shake the _feeling_. I've never been so afraid in my life."

"Bella, I won't let them hurt you."

This surprised me. I pulled back to look at him, confused as to whom he was referring. It was not the _who_ that I had been so worried about, but the thought of him leaving me. That feeling of ultimate dread at him stepping out into the flames for me. Without me.

"Who?"

"The Volturi. You were talking about them in your sleep."

It's funny how dreams work. I guess dream me hadn't actually thought about them that way, but I always knew that the menacing figures in the fog were them. That's not where the true terror of my dream lay, though. I'd not thought of them in so long. The events of the last few months kept my brain fuzzy enough, but the worry about _them_ must have still been there somewhere, buried deep in my subconscious. I shook my head.

"No, actually, that wasn't even the scary part." I turned to him. "Edward, I don't know. I guess you were… _sacrificing_ yourself to them for me, but I watched you jump into the fire, and you left me. And I knew I was never going to see you again. _Ever_. You said you loved me, and that you never regretted anything, and then you gave me to Jake and told him to love me in your place. You were telling me goodbye. And…it was the most agonizing thing in the whole world." My voice cracked. The very memory of it made me teary again. The dream held so much weight that it felt like a crushing force on my chest.

I watched his face change. He had been listening calmly, but then he furrowed his brow. A second later, realization set in. I wondered how much of my dream I'd actually projected vocally. He sighed and pulled me tighter to him, comforting me.

"Oh, love. I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to dream those kinds of dreams. It's not real, you know. All of it is just a concoction of your subconscious. But I _would_ do anything I could to protect you."

"I know. That's why it hurt so much. It's very much in your character to do something like that." I rolled my eyes, and he chuckled. I was surprised that his tone had lightened, and he was smiling. It calmed me.

"You think a lot of me."

"I _do_. More than _that_ even. I _know_ what you do for me."

He kissed my forehead lovingly. My heart ached just a little bit at my own admission.

We stayed there a long time, cuddled against each other. My brain worked over the dream again, and Edwards presence with me. I thought about how I felt so close to losing him and wiggled closer to him. He must have heard a lot of my dream since he was able to put the pieces together so well. Then I thought about the fact that the bed was so warm. He hadn't been in the bed with me, but he must have been there for a while. I recalled his placement. He'd been sitting next to the bed when I woke.

"Hey, um, how much of my dream did you hear?"

"All of it."

"Oh, okay. Were you here all night?" He smirked and nodded. I narrowed my eyes. "I thought that you were not going to stay with me last night."

"I told you I was not going to _get in bed _with you," he qualified. "It would be careless for me to leave you to sleep alone in a house full of vampires. Especially when you are so appealing when you're dreaming." He raised his eyebrows and chuckled.

"So, you didn't leave me?" I looked up at him. He brushed a stray piece of hair off my face.

"Bella, I'll never leave you as long as you want me to stay."

He was smiling, but then his face dropped a little and he sighed. I reached up to stroke his face. He was so lovely in the faint morning glow. The sun was not up yet fully, just peeking up over the horizon. My fingers trailed the lines of his jaw, his forehead, and then down his nose.

"Thank you for staying with me," I whispered. "I don't deserve you." I was speaking with all honesty and about more than his presence while I slept. I knew what it was that I'd asked of him in the past months and the fact alone that he was even speaking to me showed how much he loved me. Something that I had no right to anymore.

He smiled sadly and nodded. I breathed deeply and stretched.

"Do you want to go back to sleep for a while? It's still quite early," he murmured as he kissed my forehead.

I was afraid that if I closed my eyes, I might see the small, stuffy room, and the fire, and Edward jumping away from me again. I shook my head.

"No. I'd rather just stay up."

He pulled me up in one movement, until I was sitting.

"Okay, then," he said enthusiastically, "Let's get some breakfast."

* * *

The day was busy and I didn't have much time to think about anything. Since I'd gotten to the Cullens' I'd been thoroughly distracted at all times. Alice decided that morning that she wanted to turn me into a runway critic, and had me going through piles and piles of clothes. Edward went for a brief outing with Emmet and Jasper, to do God-knows what, but promised to be back in a few hours. Jake called, and I said that he couldn't come today. He wanted to visit in the evening, but I told him I had to work. I lied. I heard the subtle edge of worry in his voice as we hung up.

I tried to focus on Alice like a good friend. Not only was I less than enthused about her trying to redo my entire wardrobe, but the dream had left an impact on me too, tainting my subconscious. It echoed in my head, visions of the tiny hotel room, the look on Edward's face, and the haunting images of the shapeless Volturi. I shivered each time they inadvertently popped back into my mind. I knew that it had more to do with the current state of things than anything about the Volturi. Alice noticed my distraction and continued to divert my attention. It worked for a while.

My very vivid dream had been somewhat of a wake-up call. I had messed things up to the point of no return, and if I kept at it, there was no way that I would survive it. Edward would willingly give himself up for me, but I was not okay with giving him up. Something had to give. I needed to talk to Edward. The whole thing was getting out of hand, and it needed to end soon.

I hadn't realized Edward was back by the time I finally escaped from Alice. He was sitting in his room, strumming his guitar. Piles of papers surrounded him. I'd never seen his room so messy. It surprised me and struck me as odd that he hadn't come to tell me he was home. I thought it looked like he'd been here a while.

"You left me with Alice," I pouted playfully in the doorway. I would have rather been with him than playing Barbie doll to her.

He glanced up and smiled. "Sorry, but I was told that I even _thought_ about interrupting you, she'd mangle my car unrecognizably."

I instantly felt better. I'd wondered if there was something hiding beneath the surface that kept him from finding me the second he was back, but I should have known that Alice would not want Edward to interrupt us. After all, I would have immediately ditched her to go with him. Not that I didn't love her, but I needed him, and she would have been a casualty of that. Plus I hated clothes-shopping in her closet. Everything made me feel so inadequate. I had to hand it to her though, she was sneakier than I ever gave her credit for.

"You have no idea what I've had to put up with," I sighed, again only half serious. He smiled and strummed a chord.

"That's Alice for you."

"Have you been home long?"

"No. only a few minutes," he answered distractedly.

"Oh," I said, slightly thrown by his aloofness. "So what are you doing?"

"I had an idea while I was out. I can't shake it, so I'm trying to get it worked out on paper." He looked up, smiled at me, and then returned his eyes to his music sheets.

"Can I…listen?" I didn't know if that was a faux pas, or bad, luck, or something like that, for me to listen to a piece of music before it was official. He looked up at me again and smiled widely.

"I was hoping you'd want to." He motioned for me to come sit next to him. The song was soft and pretty, but there was an edge to it too, lingering beneath the surface. I wondered aloud what had inspired it. "You," he said. "Always you."

I listened to him play his guitar, silently sitting beside him. I'd deal with Alice if this is what I got afterwards. Neither of us spoke, but my stomach was churning uncomfortably. I still didn't have a solution, and the thought of abandoning my friend made me want to wretch after all I'd put him through, but I _couldn't _lose Edward. He was the only thing that was worth fighting for anymore.

"Edward?" My voice was soft and shaking. He looked up from is work, and eyed me carefully, waiting for me to continue. "There's something I wanted to ask you."

"Anything," he replied easily. He was patient and calm.

"Are we..." I started. I was hungry for assurance that he was still with me. At that moment, my path solidified. I would find out where we stood, make things known to Jake, and then confess everything to him. I'd take whatever he'd willingly give. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. "Are we a _we_?"

I peeked out at him, and found him watching me intently. He narrowed his eyes and exhaled. It felt like ages before he finally answered me.

"Bella, _we_," he said, motioning between the two of us, "are still there. But as to what extent? That's not really up to me. You _have_ me."

I looked away, confused about how to take that. One one hand, I was glad to have him tell me that he was mine, but on the other, I was unsure of the way he said it. _'As to what extent?'_ The phrase burrowed itself deep in me and planted seeds of doubt and worry. Had I fought so hard for him and then let him slip away?

"You have me too," I said weakly. He smiled sadly and nodded to himself.

"But not all of you. Not yet."

My heart broke at that. I wished I'd never started out on this mission. More than ever, I now regretted everything. All that I'd tried to accomplish was in vain. I'd been so set on finding Jake someone to love that I'd forgotten about Edward, the one who I should have been protecting and fighting for.

I reached over to stroke his cheek.

"There's something..." I hesitated "…that I need to tell you."

"No," he said abruptly. He was not angry as he said it, but forceful and sure. I started, taken aback by his urgent but gentle response. I stared at him blankly.

"What?" I asked, surprised. "But Edward, I…"

"No." he said again. He closed his eyes and sighed, drawing strength from somewhere deep. "Please Bella. I know there is a great deal that's been going on with you lately—things that I don't understand—but I don't want you to tell me if you're not ready. And I don't think you are. Alice said…" he paused and furrowed his brow. "Well, _I'm_ not ready to hear it yet. Please."

This was not how I expected this to go. I had thought I was about to admit everything to him—the way I lied, the things I had very nearly forfeited for Jake, and how foolish I'd been about it all. More than anything, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I wanted him. Only him. But _he_ didn't want that? Not yet. _Why?_

As we sat there, both of us still and solemn, I tried to understand. Edward was strong, stronger than I could have ever asked for. I relied heavily on him, looking to his otherworldly nature to be my strength. He was god-like and I didn't see his as vulnerable as a mere mortal man—as vulnerable as me, or as vulnerable as even Jake. But did I really have the power to break him? I realized at that moment that I _did_. I had all the power in the world to break the only thing that was important to me. I held it in my hand, pinched between my finger and thumb, ready to shatter it.

But why did he not want to know the truth? Could it be that this would be too much for him to bear? If it was not the truth that he wanted to hear, would he survive? Did he want me to fix things in my own heart—to know _for certain_ what I wanted—before I tried to fix his? I'd been very blind before. It wasn't just about righting things for Jake anymore. It wasn't just about making things right for me. It was about proving to him that he was my only reason for existence, and he didn't want to hear that yet until it was the absolute truth.

How was I going to fix things? I could _love_ him—_simply love him_. The fact that he wouldn't let me _say_ it didn't mean that I couldn't choose him and make him know that I wouldn't give up on him. _That_ would have to be his truth if he wouldn't accept my confession right then. I could try to let him know through my actions rather than my words that I was choosing him—that I had chosen him long ago. I would have to. I would have to make a dramatic effort to prove my love for him and gain back his trust.

The words bubbled out of my lips before I could stop them. It was such an immediate need for me to offer this to him.

"I was wondering if it would be okay if I changed rooms?"

He looked a little surprised at the new direction of our conversation. He watched me warily, the strange question turning his doubt into confusion.

"Why?" he asked gently. "Is there something wrong with the other one?" Then he narrowed his eyes. "Does this have something to do with your dream?"

"Sort of. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful room." It was one of the most lovely I'd ever seen, and probably the most comfortable, but not to me. There was only one place I wanted to be. "I just would rather be somewhere else."

He laid his guitar aside, still watching me cautiously.

"Okay. Where did you have in mind?"

I slid next to him closer, and he opened his arm to me. I marveled at his willingness to take me against him even after everything. I put my head on his shoulder.

"Here," I whispered. "I want to be _here._"

He looked at me for a long moment. Then, he cocked his head to the side surprised.

"Here? As in, in _my_ room?"

"Yes."

"Bella, I don't know." He reached up and rubbed his eyes and squinted. Like he was tired, which he couldn't be. I saw how much he was struggling with what I asked, and I knew he'd probably give me a boatload of reasons why it wasn't a good idea, all of them probably true. But I couldn't think of anywhere that I'd rather be. I wanted to solder myself to him. I wanted to be near him all the time. I wanted to consume him and breathe him and take all of me and all of him and meld us together. I sat up on my knees, eager now for his acceptance of this. It would not only make me feel closer to him, but more importantly, I hoped it would wash away his fear that I would walk away from _him_.

"Please, Edward? Please. I think I would sleep so much better in here. I probably wouldn't dream like I did last night. And we've done it before. A lot. You've stayed over at Charlie's house, and I've stayed here. Please?"

"Well, it's just that…" He started, but stopped himself. He closed his eyes. My reasoning was making him wrestle with the decision. I knew that my sleeping in here would mean that I would feel safer, closer to him in so many ways, and he probably knew that too. It was hard for him to tell me no. "Are you sure? I mean, sharing a room is _different_. It's one thing for me to stay in your room, or you in mine, but to actually share it as _ours_…"

"What's so different? It's not like you sleep."

He looked up at me and sighed. For the briefest moment, I thought he looked…embarrassed.

"It's very…intimate."

My heart started beating wildly in my chest. I really hadn't thought about it like that before, but he was right. There was something very personal about cohabitating in a tiny room versus a whole house. It was what lovers do. It was what I wanted with him.

Sharing a room with Edward suddenly became even more important. Though I knew that wasn't fair to want it now with the way things were, I still longed for Edward to love me that way too. _Intimately. _The next step. I hoped his hesitation was not because he didn't want it anymore.

"And you don't want that?" I questioned, choking it back just a little. It was fair if he didn't right now, but it still stung a little to ask. Edward pulled me into his arms.

"Bella, of course I do. Don't be silly. You have _no_ idea." He held me for a long time, rubbing my back. He pulled me away so that he could look into my eyes. I could see how badly he wanted to say yes, but he was so torn by everything—and damn moral, too—that it was a struggle. "Why is this so important to you? That room is very nice. It's one of Esme's favorites."

I nodded. "It _is_ nice, but I prefer it in here." He didn't look like he was giving in just yet. "There's no _you_ in that room. In here, you are all over the place. It _looks_ like you, it _smells_ like you. It _feels_ like you. It makes me feel safe."

And then I saw it. He gave in. It shone in his eyes. My safety was ever his chief concern, and making me _feel_ safe ranked a very close second. And it was true—I hadn't fabricated that in the slightest. There was nowhere on earth that I felt safer than with Edward. His presence was essential to my safety.

He sighed. "Alright."

I leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. He kissed me back gently.

"Thanks. I _know_ you don't want to hear it right now—and that I don't deserve anything back—but I _love_ you. I _will_ make this right again," I whispered. He nodded and smiled softly. "Do you think Esme will be upset?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Are you kidding me?" he snorted. "She'll be _ecstatic_."

* * *

Esme was, in fact, ecstatic. At hearing that I'd be sharing Edward's room, Esme and Alice went to work to get my things switched over from the guest room. Edward had given them permission to move around his things so that I had room in his dressers and closet. Not that they cared about his permission or not. I was pretty sure that Alice would have done it anyway.

I knew they had different reasons for being so excited. In Alice's opinion, my moving out, and now sharing a room with Edward, just got me that much closer to being a vampire. She wanted it as much as I did. For Esme, it was more important that I was that much closer to _Edward_. I saw the pride in her eyes whenever she talked about him. Like any mother, she only wanted him to be happy. I hoped that this was a sign that she thought I would be the best thing for him. Lately, I hadn't been so sure.

The day passed quickly. By the time Alice and Esme were done, it was late, and I realized I hadn't eaten all day. I didn't mind but I was starving. Esme offered to cook again, but it made me feel guilty that she felt the need to wait on me, so I offered to help. We were in the kitchen prepping vegetables.

"Thanks for doing this." I felt bad that she'd had so much extra work since I'd arrived. She smiled warmly at me.

"Bella, it's my pleasure. This is one of the mom things that I don't get to practice with my other children. It's pretty fun."

The comment took me off guard.

"Other children?"

She looked up and nodded, as if it was the most natural thing in the world for us to be there together, cooking in her state-of-the-art, never-used-before kitchen.

"Of course, Bella. I consider you my child too."

A sudden warmth spread through me. As often as I thought about being one of the Cullens, and as much as I loved them, I'd never really considered _their_ love for _me_. I knew it was there, and that they wanted me to be with them, but I'd always thought that was more about Edward than me directly. As it was now, with everything so messed up, I thought they might have stopped feeling that way towards me, cautious until I made amends and stopped toying with Edward's heart.

"Aren't you worried? You know, that I never will be?"

Esme laughed in a gentle chuckle.

"No. Of course not." She seemed so sure that I stopped what I was doing and eyed her skeptically. She smiled and patted my hand. "Even if things don't work out ideally, you're still a Cullen, through and through."

That knowledge through me off.

"Even if I wasn't with Edward"—I shuddered slightly—"you'd still love me?"

She laughed again.

"Of course we love you. It's easy to see why Edward fell in love with you in the first place. You're a good match for us—_all_ of us."

"Thanks." It didn't seem like enough to say to her, to show my gratitude for their love. I felt like I should scream or cry or leap into her arms with how thankful I was for them. I was distracted by the fact that it didn't seem to matter that I was so unsure about my future. _They_ all seemed to be. She leaned down to catch my eyes. I felt more of that familiar guilt bubble up to the surface. What had I ever done to deserve _any_ of them.

"And we'll understand, no matter which way your heart goes. That won't change our feelings for you. You'll _always_ be family."

I sighed. I didn't deserve that either. Not even in the slightest bit.

"I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt someone I love."

She nodded thoughtfully. "That happens sometimes."

"Edward doesn't deserve that. Neither does Jacob. Neither do the _rest_ of you. I feel like I've made such a huge mess out of things." I shook my head, and she turned me towards her.

"Bella, honey. I know things will go the way they're supposed to. They always do, in the end." She sounded so optimistic, it was hard not to believe her. "Of course we want to keep you forever and ever, but if we can't for whatever reason, no matter what, you have already given Edward and this family so much. I'd never seen him so happy before you. You've changed him for the better. You made him know _certainly_ that he has a soul."

I jolted at her words. It felt like the earth had moved beneath me. My legs wobbled and I had to grab the counter for support.

"I have? I thought that was still in question."

She smiled knowingly. "He plays it off like that, but it's just an act—a way to save face in front of Carlisle, I think, for all those years he argued with him about it. Because he knows without a doubt that his soul exists because yours does. Because you _couldn't _be his soulmate if his didn't exist right along side _yours_."

The pain came washing back to me. Edward's soul existed because _mine_ did? Because _mine _was his soul's perfect match? It was too much. I crumpled against the stool next to me.

"Oh, Esme," I groaned.

She grabbed my shoulders and made me look at her. "You've _saved_ him Bella. One of the many reasons you will always have Carlisle's and my love. We owe you so much for that alone."

We didn't talk anymore about it. I was thankful for their love and generosity and, mostly, for their forgiveness. I saw where Edward got some of his benevolence. It didn't help the overwhelming guilt subside. How could I do this to _them_? The fact that I'd already made Edward wait on me was inexcusable, but doing all of this to Carlisle and Esme put me over the top.

Thankfully, I didn't have much time to think about it. The rest of the Cullen's showed up while we were finishing preparing dinner, and thoroughly distracted me again. Despite the fact that the food repulsed them and that I was the only one to eat, they all stayed with me, chatting around the large table. Even Rosalie was there, though she just glared at me the whole time.

I looked around the table, and I imagined this as my family. If I had put all of it on the line because of what I'd tried to do for Jacob, I wouldn't have a right to any of it. It _wouldn't_ be like this. Would the Cullens disappear if I wasn't with Edward? I thought they might. If I was with Edward, would Jacob disappear? My heart sank lowly in my chest knowing that everything I needed was right there with me, but I had been too stupid to possibly let it slip through me fingers. Edward gave me a wide berth that night, as I was swept away by Alice again.

Before bed, I made a dreaded call to Charlie. I told him I was fine, safe and sound, and that I missed him. He begged me to come home just like I knew he would, but that I wasn't ready to do that yet. We hung up the phone after I told him that I loved him, but it was unresolved. I never said I was sorry, and I couldn't.

I was getting ready for bed when Edward came in. He knocked quietly first. Despite how sad I'd been earlier, I was thrilled to be able to sleep in _our_ room. He stood in the doorway, as I flitted around picking up after myself. There wasn't much out of place in Edward's room usually, and I wanted to keep it that way, maintain the feel.

"Hi. Coming to tuck me in?" I continued to pick up around the room, gathering my clothes into a small pile to be washed.

"Yes." He smiled slightly, but it didn't touch his eyes. I stopped to watch him and he sighed. "Bella, I want to talk to you." He sounded so serious that I dropped the pair of jeans I was holding. He waited a moment and then continued uneasily. "I heard you and Esme earlier tonight."

"Oh." It was all I could think to say. "It's not nice to eavesdrop," I continued weakly.

He sighed again.

"Bella, I need you to know… that she's _right_. No matter what, the impact that you've made, I'd never change anything. Just to have had you love me for even a short time, that's enough."

My sudden change of mood didn't match what he was telling me. I should have been happy to hear him say this, but I wasn't. It made me sad, and worried, and confused.

"Why are you saying this to me?"

"Because I don't want your fear of hurting _me_ effect the decision your heart wants to make. That's not fair."

My heart ached. I didn't understand. What was he saying? It sounded like he didn't want to fight for me anymore. Not that he had to do much fighting in the first place, but he didn't understand that yet, and he wouldn't let me tell him. Another wave of guilt struck me forcefully.

"You sound like that's it. Like you're throwing in the towel." My voice cracked just a little.

"No, but I hope that it might ease your mind to have me tell you that. I know how much you suffer because you're afraid to hurt one of us."

I looked at him incredulously.

"Well, it _doesn't_ ease my mind. It terrifies me." Images of my dream flashed in my mind. They weren't the same words that he spoke to me in the hazy hotel room, but it felt so similar. I stood motionless and wrapped my arms around myself to keep everything in. He came up along side me and wrapped me up in his arms.

"Come here." He motioned towards the bed and led me there. "Sit. There's something that I want to give you."

"A gift?" I stared at him, shocked. Did he really think now was a good time for stupid gifts? I never wanted gifts from him because he already gave me more than I deserved, and I especially didn't want them now. All I wanted—needed—was for him to keep believing that I loved him. To keep fighting.

"Sort of. It's small, but I means a lot for you to have it. I meant to give it to you on our wedding day, but, well…" His voice trailed off sadly.

I looked up then. His eyes were sorrowful, though he masked it well for my benefit. I worried again that I was too late to stop my dream from happening.

"Edward, stop. I don't want it." His eyes changed just a little, and I realized that I'd hurt his feelings. I quickly tried to correct my mistake. "I mean, I think you should keep it for me for now. Please, don't do this. Please hold on to it." I was begging at this point. Anything to keep him from walking out into the fire for me.

"Bella, I _want_ to give it to you now. Hold out your wrist."

I obeyed, though my heart was screaming at me in my chest to stop this. If he gave it to me now, it was as if we wouldn't have a wedding day, as if all our future rested on this gift. My heart pounded wildly in anticipation. Around my left wrist, he fastened my charm bracelet. For a moment I was confused. To one side was the wooden wolf charm Jacob had given me. To the other was Edward's crystal heart. I said an unnecessary, silent thanks that it was still fastened there, and hadn't disappeared with my dream. Then I saw what he had given me. In the very middle of the bracelet was a new charm. It was small and oval—tarnished pewter—embellished with tiny details of filigree around the outside. It looked very old. I played with it between my fingers. It had a picture of a lion, with a hand hovering over its head. I'd seen it before. Edward never took his off.

"It's the Cullen Family Crest. We all wear one." He held up his wrist to show me the black cuff that was wound around it. On it was a crest identical to the one that now hung on my bracelet, only bigger. "Being part of this family makes us who we are. Esme is right—regardless of what happens, you're _still_ a Cullen."

I didn't say anything. I played with the bracelet. I was overwhelmed. A single tear slid down my cheek, and he caught it with his thumb before it dripped off of my chin. He traced the line of it and brushed the lingering wetness off my skin.

"This was supposed to be mine. When we got married. When I was your _wife_," I croaked.

He nodded. Though his lips were turned up slightly, I saw the anguish in his expression, solemn and sad.

"Yes."

"Edward, please. Don't give this to me now," I begged him. "Please hold on to it until…"

He brought his fingers up and rested them on my lips to quiet me before I could make him a promise that he wasn't sure I could keep.

"Bella, I _want_ you to have it _now_." Energy surged between us, and he leaned into me. He was overwhelmed too. "I want you to know what you mean to me—what you mean to all of us. And I don't do this because I want to hurt you, or confuse you, or make it any harder for you. I just need you to have this, now, when I still have a _right_ to give it to you. You are one of us, whether you're human, or vampire, or my wife, or whether you belong to Jacob Black. Whatever else changes, _that_ won't."

He finished, and closed his eyes, breathing in and out to steady himself. I was filled with sudden… _joy_. It was an unexplainable feeling when I should have felt so sad because he was sad, but I couldn't help the pleasure that I took from him telling me this. I couldn't help myself. I leaned forward gently and kissed his lips tenderly.

He didn't open his eyes, but his body tensed for a moment before he relaxed. Softly, he kissed me back. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. His scent filled my lungs—sweet honey, and lilac blossoms, and warmth like the sun. The scent that I needed so badly. I pushed closer to him and wound my fingers in his hair until I was sitting on his lap. Our kisses deepened. He wound his arms around my body and he rubbed my back gently and rhythmically, keeping in perfect time with the cadence of our lips.

His kisses were tender and slow. I opened mouth just a little so that I could taste him better.

I felt only the slightest bit of movement as he lifted me up and pushed me back on to the pillows. Our lips didn't break contact and he positioned himself over me. I was surprised at this—he was usually more careful, more in control, especially lately. A part of me wondered if I should feel guilty for this, for taking this from him too. But as he continued to kiss me hungrily, I realized we both needed it, more than even we could know. I needed him more than clean oxygen; he needed me more than warm blood.

He moved away from my lips and down my neck until he was at my collarbone. His hands held my waist, and I kept my fingers in his hair. My breathing was ragged. He tilted his face up to mine again until our lips met. I returned his kisses eagerly. Too eagerly, I guess, because he slowed us down until he pulled away gently. He kissed the tip of my nose.

"Thank you," I whispered hoarsely. He chuckled softly.

"Is that what you were doing? Thanking me?" He reached up and stroked my cheek.

"I was sort of under the impression that you were leading that." I still hadn't recovered from it.

"Me? No. Just a willing participant." He smiled and sat up. I groaned.

"Edward? Will you please stay with me tonight?" I knew he was about to protest, so I continued. "I want you here. I am worried about having that dream again and I don't think I will if you're next to me, lying beside me. And I just…need you to be."

I knew if I said that he'd stay. It was the truth, since I feared the dream—the vivid reminder of my impending doom—almost as much as I feared the future.

He took off his shirt—a bonus—and slid next to me as I wiggled under the covers, pleased that I was _almost _getting my way. If he knew everything and then still accepted me, then I would be truly happy. He laid down and let me nestle into the groove of his arm.

"Are you going to be warm enough like this?"

"Definitely." Underneath the thick downy comforter, I'd definitely be warm enough. Plus, nothing could keep me from his arms tonight.

I held up my wrist above us so that I could see my charm. There was something so right about how it fell from the chain, the weight of it tugging gently at my wrist.

"You _like_ it." It wasn't a question. He sounded pleased. I looked up at him, nodded, and he placed a gentle kiss on my lips. "Good. Now sleep. Dream good dreams tonight. And I _will_ be here when you wake."

And I curled up in his arms and fell quickly asleep.

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**Chapter Notes:** Thanks again for reading. At this point there are only 3 chapters and an epilogue left. I am so honoured that all of you are still reading, and love all of the wonderful support. Because this is early this week, I doubt that the next chapter will be up by Sunday, but we'll see. I plan on posting some outtakes soon, such as Alice's trip to Charlie's to get Bella's things, the reasons behind Edward's patience, and something having to do with that little Alice slip that Edward mentions in this chapter when he's trying to stop Bella from telling her the secret...hmmm... check the forum for when those are up or add me to your alerts! Thank you everyone! I love you all!


	16. Chapter 16: Falling

**A/N:** Just a few things this time.

There is a new Outtake under my stories. It goes along with Chapter 14: Moving Out. It is called "Part of the Plans: Extras from Best Laid Plans." It's cute, weighty, and from someone else's point of view. Check it out! I'll be doing more outtakes from Edward's perspective soon, so add it to your alerts so you know when I put more up.

To all of you who faithfully reviewed and read, thank you. I'm sorry if it took me a long time to respond to reviews (or haven't yet). This chapter and the next were already written when I started posting this fic and my concept for this story has changed drastically over time. The chapters needed to be massively reworked as a result, which I find a whole lot harder to do than just writing from scratch. I had so many things that I really wanted to keep in, and keep the feel of, and lost myself a little in the revision process. Needless to say, I haven't been very diligent on the forums or chatting with my wonderful beta Cullenfest and my inner circle ladies, or reading other people's fanfiction, or doing much of anything. Keep in mind that I fully intend to respond to each and every one. So, you know, if you want to leave another for this chapter… (hint, hint, hint…)

Lastly, this chapter is slightly more sexual in nature, so please be mindful of that. I will always keep those kinds of things classy and tasteful, but it would offend you to read it, I wanted to warn you. Plus, it just gets hotter from here on out, so…

Thanks everyone! Love you all for your support. Oh, and come join Kyrene, Sobriquett, and me on the forum thread at twilighted (dot) net! Lots of fun! Good times!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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**XVI. Falling**

The room was the same. It was a little darker, though, and I could finally see the sky outside. There was no milky haze outside the window, no fire tickling the glass. It was a bright, full moon, and there were about a thousand stars sprinkling the sky.

It didn't have the normal hotel room smell. Instead, it smelled like candle wax and heat. And _him_. The whole room was filled with _him_. I realized that the dim light that danced around the room was coming from the dozens of candles spread throughout. This kind of fire did not scare me.

I looked around, quickly trying to get my bearings, and was taken aback by the presence of a woman. She was lovely. A sudden wash of jealousy shot through me. What was she doing here? In this room? Where it smelled so strongly of _him? _Her dark hair was piled loosely on her head and she wore a long deep blue silk dress, tied behind her neck. Her features were smooth and strong. A pang of sadness shot through me and I took in a quick breath, causing her to hiss at me. It startled us both and we jumped back at the same time, looks of confusion on our faces. I reached out to her and she did the same to me. I was more confused. Our fingertips met, and we hit a solid mass. It took me a moment to realize that it was me, standing next to a floor-length wall mirror.

Before I could think any more about that, cool hands wound around me from the back. I felt his lips on my shoulder, my neck, and below my ear. I turned in his arms to face him.

His eyes were dark and excited. It should have frightened me, the way they played in the candlelight so frenzied, and I felt my heart rate accelerate in response, but it was not from fear. It raced with anticipation. He pulled me into him until our bodies were flush against each other and continued kissing my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder. He reached up and gently took out the clip that was holding my hair in place. Dark tendrils fell over his hands and down my back. He twisted his fingers in my hair and looked down into my eyes before he brought my lips to his.

He let go of me, and my body responded angrily at the loss of contact. He smiled and held up a finger to indicate that I needed to wait. He went over to the open window and closed the blinds. I watched the light pirouette off of him. He turned again, and the look in his eyes was desperate, smoldering…hungry.

For a moment, I was a little afraid. Right away, I knew that Edward would never hurt me, but he'd never looked at me that way. There was a desperate need in him, of bloodlust. Then I realized that it wasn't my blood that he craved. My body electrified, and responded to his gaze, heating and liquefying at my core. The corner of his lips turned up slightly, and he crossed the room to me in a flash that my human eyes couldn't process.

"Bella," he breathed huskily. The sound of his voice made me want to melt into him. His hands, my hands, our lips, were eager for each other. Before I understood, he pulled me onto the bed. He switched our positions so that I was under him. He hovered over me.

The way he was looking at me made my heart accelerate—wonder and adoration and desire. I reached up and clawed at his face, and he brought his lips to mine feverishly. Checking himself, he slowed us until our lips were moving gently and rhythmically.

"What do you want?" he panted. The question took me by surprise, but I didn't hesitate to answer him. There was only one thing that I could possibly want at that moment.

"You," I whispered breathlessly, as if all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. "But I can't have you." The words that seemed so familiar, so similar to the night before, echoed in my head as they involuntarily left my mouth. I whimpered and my chest ached at the realization that it was true—it truly couldn't have him.

He watched me for a moment, and smiled. His fingertips stroked over my hair, and my cheekbones and my lips and chin. He ran his hand over the hollow in my throat and my collarbone, around my left breast and my side until he reached my hip, all the while watching his fingers maneuver over the plains of my body so intently I thought I'd burst.

He lowered himself further, pressing me gently. I could feel him down the entire length of me from our chests to the tips of our toes, and something in me wanted to wriggle to see if I could feel him even more on other places aching to be touched, but I stayed still. He put his lips to my ear and I could feel the tickle from his breath that sent shivers up my spine.

"Who's stopping you?" he whispered seductively in my ear. The entire room turned red, and in an instant, we were pawing at each other, both of us frantic. My lips found his as I struggled to unfasten his shirt. He reached behind me and untied my dress at the neck. I wiggled out of it, as I moved on to his pants. I was only vaguely aware when we were out of our clothes. I tried to focus on his body, but couldn't. The haze was in my eyes so that I couldn't recognize anything discerning about his features. The only thing that I could recognize certainly was the feel of his hands on my skin. All over every inch of my skin, eliciting charges like fireworks, one right after another.

I moaned at his touch. His lips found mine again, and my whole body was cool as he lay over me. I arched my back so that I could feel him more, and he slid his arm under me so that he could lift my head to his face more easily. He pulled his other hand over my skin, down my front, and hitched my leg over his hip. I was very aware of how vulnerable this made me to him, in a way that I had never been before. We were naked. I was ready for him.

I was panting now. My eyes were closed as he touched me, but I opened my eyes when I noticed him stop. He was watching me.

"Bella, I love you. There is nothing that I want more than I want you." It was like he was asking for my permission.

"Edward,' I whispered. "I love you. I _need_ you. _Please_, Edward."

Apparently that was enough for him. He positioned himself over me, and I wrapped myself around him. He moved so gently and slowly, that I wasn't even sure he was moving at all, watching my face for any sign of discomfort, but I wouldn't give him that.

He got himself situated, and when he slipped low into me, I gasped. He froze.

"I'm fine," I whispered through my teeth. "Please don't stop." He didn't. He moved with me, and my body burned where he touched me. Connected with him, intertwined the way that we were, I felt every nerve, every cell, come alive.

The last time I'd been in this room, I felt a piece of me rip away. Now I was whole. His touches were not enough for me. His hold on me made me crave for more, and each moment that we spent tangled like that only made me wish time would stop all together.

I was getting closer and closer to _something_. My body hummed with it. I felt like I was standing on a cliff, being pushed inch by inch toward the edge. And I called it on. My breathing was ragged.

"Oh, Edward. You feel so…" I moaned.

"Mmmm." He growled in agreement.

Each moment was better than the last. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stand it. He paused. I looked up into his eyes, and they shone, burned with a fire like I'd never seen. It put all other fires to shame.

"Please, Edward,_ please_." He bent to kiss me. It surprised me—his lips and tongue were hot and wet. It was all coming fast now, crashing at me like waves. I closed my eyes tightly and willed the release.

When I opened them, I was no longer beneath Edward, but on the beach. I was alone, and the air was still. The ocean currents hit my legs and then my thighs and then my belly, slipping between my legs as it crept up. I closed my eyes tightly again, willing him back. I whimpered that he was gone and prayed to whomever was listening that he would come back. I opened my eyes again.

Still no Edward. I was on the edge of a cliff, my bare toes hanging over the rocky edge. I could feel the pulsing in my body low in my belly, rocking me and making me clench. One finally hit so hard that I lost my balance. I teetered, and my feet wobbled beneath me, throwing off my equilibrium in a familiar manner. I let go. And I fell.

* * *

Everything was dark, but the moonlight shone brightly through the big wall of glass so that I could still see quite well. It took me only a moment to adjust to my surroundings. When I finally did, I looked up into a pair of warm amber eyes. Edward was smirking at me, a sly smile playing on his lips.

"What?" I whispered groggily. I was disoriented and sleepy. I wondered what time it was. I glanced over beside me. The clock on the nightstand said two.

"I'm going to have to give you presents before bed more often," he said mischievously. I looked at him, confused. He raised his eyebrows and smiled widely. "Did you have a …_nice_ dream?"

It took me a second. He was playing with me, but I didn't know why. Then my dream came rushing back to me. His hands, his body, our intimate caresses. The way I whispered his name desperately. I felt my cheeks warm instantly.

"Oh, god," I moaned, shielding my eyes with my hands. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough." I could hear the smile in his voice. I peeked through my fingers at him. He was watching me. Apparently he was quite pleased with himself. "I have to tell you, Bella. I prefer _those_ dreams to the ones like you had last night."

I groaned. I heard him chuckle, and then I felt his hands around my wrists, willing me to uncover my reddened face. He pulled me up and scooted himself underneath me so that I was cradled in his arms. I snuggled into him and he kissed my hair.

"You don't need to feel embarrassed, you know. _I'd_ dream about _you_ that way, if I could." I looked up at him. His eyes were soft and golden, and he was looking down at me lovingly.

"I know. It's just… when I talk in my sleep, I don't know exactly _what_ or _how muc_h gets heard. There's something very unnerving about that." I didn't really mind that he heard my dream. Truthfully, I'd have preferred that I _wasn't_ dreaming, and then he would have been there anyway, hearing every soft whisper of his name on my lips. Joining in. But talking in my sleep was frightening to me. It was like baring your soul, but not knowing which part you'd thrown out there. Plus, in a house full of vampires with supersonic hearing, I didn't know if I wanted _them_ to hear me.

"I could _tell_ you if you'd like." He wagged his eyebrows again, teasing me.

I snorted. "No. Really. Thanks." Then I paused. "But please tell me that the rest of your family didn't hear the inner workings of my sex dream. Oh, my god!" I stared at him, horrified. He chuckled.

"No. You were very quiet. Breathy." He paused, and then furrowed his brow and frowned. "Unbearably sexy, actually. I was having a hard time with it, to tell you the truth. I was about to leave when you woke up."

I reached up and touched his face. I never took into consideration how difficult it must have been for him. I didn't really know what it was like for him, being a vampire, but if his were anything like _my_ desires, he had to be going mad. I at least could dream. He didn't have any outlet.

"I'm sorry." I was apologizing for a lot of things—for not being open and honest with him this whole time, for our having such a difficult relationship, and even for the fact that he waited eighty-some years for someone with whom he wanted to have that kind of physical relationship. "It's hard enough waiting eighteen years for… _that_. I can't imagine refraining for over a hundred."

He turned his face to kiss the palm of my hand.

"You don't need to apologize, Bella. I wouldn't have had to refrain. I've had offers. But I _choose_ to. I always knew I was waiting for something. I knew it was worth it, and I was right. Because I love you. Because I know it wouldn't be worth even a second of physical gratification if it wasn't with you."

I sighed, knowing exactly where those offers he spoke of had come from. My heart panged at the thought of one very beautiful strawberry-blond vampire and Edward together. I tightened my grip on him.

"Would things be different if I…" I couldn't even keep going.

"If what?" He coaxed, waiting patiently for me to finish.

I hesitated.

"If I wasn't…in the picture," I began slowly, "would you have eventually just given in?"

He shook his head. "No. I don't think so. I'd only have felt that same pull I'd always had—hoping there was something out there for me that was like what the rest of my family had. And now? I know the only thing I'll ever see is you. I won't want anything else. I'm stubborn. If I can't have you, I won't want anyone."

He smiled at me, and the fact that he'd confessed only having eyes for me should have been a comfort. But with all that I'd put him through that summer, I shouldn't have been allowed it. I didn't want him to suffer for me any more than he already had. He _couldn't_. Guilt coursed through me at the knowledge that even if I'd really been dating Jake and really had been torn, Edward would have waited for me. He would have been alone, If I'd have made the wrong decision. Maybe I already _had_ made the wrong decision—all those weeks ago when I'd decided to find a match for Jake. Maybe we already were alone, each of us. Then I shuddered in pain at the thought of us not being together. It was more than I could bear. He wrapped me in his arms tightly, sensing my unease.

"Okay. Enough. You need to get back to sleep. It's too early for you to be up." He shifted me so that he could stand.

"You're leaving." I could hear the panic in my own voice. He smiled down at me.

"For now. I have some things to take care of. Plus, if you decide you're going to dream like that again, I need to get some air." He sighed. "You smell_ so_ good."

"Are you thirsty?" I asked, a little confused. He didn't look like it. His eyes were bright and there were no bags under them. He was in a playful mood.

"No, Bella, silly girl. I don't want your blood. I want your _body_." He eyed me, and I shifted under his intense gaze. Of course he'd be able to tell any change in my body. And my body was definitely reacting to my dream, hot to the core. I felt my face flush again. He shook his head knowingly, smiled, and kissed my forehead. "Sleep. I won't be far away."

I snuggled down under the covers and watched him leave. When he closed the door, I lay there in the dark, aware how close I'd actually almost come to the edge of that cliff.

* * *

There weren't any more dreams. I spent most of the next two days secluded at the Cullen's, much to Jake's—and my dad's—displeasure. I left only to go to work at the Newton's and to once to visit our meadow with Edward. It was a sunny day, and his skin sparkled in the sunlight. He was the most glorious creature.

I called Charlie again. He was relieved that I was willingly calling him, but I could tell that a part of him was still angry. No, angry wasn't really right. Maybe just worried. I could tell that he wasn't pleased I was staying with Edward. Between my two choices, Edward was not the one he would pick for me. Jacob seemed to be a better choice to him: solid, trustworthy, and most importantly, someone who wouldn't leave me. If he'd only known, that there was a time that he _had_ left me, albeit brief, and it was for the same reason that Edward did. To protect me. I wish he could see both of them more clearly.

What Charlie missed about Edward was the most important thing to me, and there was no way that he could see it, because he couldn't get over the way I was affected when he left. But _I_ could get over it. Edward's goodness, his _soul_, was what made me love him. I wasn't sure if Charlie thought I only wanted to be with him because he was beautiful, but that was only the icing on the cake.

After a few awkward silences and several minutes of him grilling me for information, Charlie begged me to come home. He even apologized and retracted his threats, but I couldn't will myself to do it. A part of me was being that sullen teenager still, and relished in the freedom that I had at the Cullens'. Plus, I couldn't see myself living anywhere else now. Not _now_. He gave up trying to convince me, and I promised him I'd call the next day.

Friday was cloudy and I didn't have to work, so I spent the morning shopping with Alice. I hated to leave Edward, but Alice looked like she was ready to rip his head off if I didn't comply, and whether it was out of annoyance at the energetic pixie or fear for his life, he encouraged me to go with her. I reluctantly went along, weathering the storm that was Alice in a mall. We were back by noon. I came home to find lunch was made for me, with a note attached that said:

_**Hope you had a good time. Missed you. Had to run some errands. See you soon. Always, E.**_

I ate lunch and went upstairs to call my mom. She had been in better spirits about my moving in with Edward than my dad. I had been worried about telling her at first, but she took the whole thing in stride.

"_Bella,"_ she'd said. _"I can't fault you for having enough guts to stick up for what you want."_ I thought that was very generous of her, considering how she felt about long-term, youthful commitment. I was thankful that I didn't get an earful. But then, our lives really didn't mesh anymore. A part of me was saddened by that, but another part accepted it. We both had to grow up.

She didn't have much to say, as we sat and talked leisurely about the things that were going on since the fateful day I'd called to tell her about my moving out. She and Phil had the next week off, taking vacation to clean up the yard and do odd jobs around the house. How very sensible of them, I told her. She jabbered about Phil's hectic schedule and her work. I just listened patiently, thankful that I didn't have to do much talking. It was a relief to talk to her, and made me miss her.

I was just finishing up on the phone when I heard Edward come home. I told my mom goodbye and crossed the room to the door quickly. Now that Edward and I were seeing each other all the time, the brief times we spent apart felt like ages. How I had spent those weeks barely seeing him, I had no idea. I made it _almost_ all the way to the bottom of the steps.

You'd think, after walking my whole life, I'd have been able to do it with ease. As I was about to step off the stairs, my foot caught on some unseen object, and I tripped. I tried to catch myself on the railing, and managed to find my grip, but my foot got in the way, attempting to help catch me. Sudden pain shot through my foot and ankle. Edward was there in an instant.

"Bella, are you alright?" He picked me up gently and rushed me over to the couch. "What happened?"

I felt myself flush, and my eyes got dewy. The pain wasn't so bad, but I felt so foolish. He crouched down in front of me.

"I'm fine, I just tripped." I pointed to my ankle, sticking out my leg for him. He took it gently in his hands. His cool fingers felt good on the tender area. He examined it gently.

"Does that hurt?" He turned it over in his hands, pressing gently over the entire area. I was over my initial embarrassment. After eighteen years of those kinds of things, you learned to get over that pretty quickly. I was just thankful that no one else seemed to be around to witness my graceful feat. Emmet would have been eating that up.

"No. I mean, it hurts, but not _more _so."

"Well, it's not broken. Probably just a sprain. It will probably swell a bit, but you'll be alright, maybe even by tomorrow. Sit still, and I'll get the first aid kit." He looked me in the eyes, sighed and shook his head, and then was off. In a moment, he was back carrying a square plastic case.

He knelt down in front of me and took my ankle in his hands. He handled it so gingerly that I barely felt him wrapping the bandage around it. It was a perfect wrap. Completely textbook.

"You know, you're pretty good at this. You have a very agreeable bedside manner," I said playfully. He smiled as he finished the wrap. He squeezed an ice pack and set it gently on the very spot that hurt. I could see it was beginning to swell.

"Chock that up to my unused medical degrees. I'm finding them more useful now that _you're_ around." He looked up and I could see that the worry had subsided a little. His teasing made me feel better.

"Sorry about that," I murmured. He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled.

"You know, you are making my protection of you look pathetic. You twist your ankle, of all things. No revenge-hungry vampires, no volatile werewolves. The _stairs_. That's what will be your downfall." He rolled his eyes and I laughed.

"It should be expected at this point. You're lucky this is _all_ it's been. I'm not very good with doors or windows either." He grinned up at me. We were flirting again.

He finished cleaning up the first aid kit and snapped it closed.

"You know, you really would be better off as a vampire." His tone was very nonchalant, but I could tell how much effort he was expending to make it so. There was something sad about the way he said it that lingered just below the surface.

"That's what I've been _telling _you. The less harm I can do myself, the better. I'm glad we're on the same page finally." I smirked at him, still playing. He looked up at me through his eye lashes. This time, he didn't even bother to hide anything from me. His brow furrowed.

"_Are we_? I was under the impression _that_ was not written in stone." It was barely a whisper. Of course he would see it that way. My being a vampire would mean that I'd "chosen" him. But there was no question in my mind what I'd always—and still—wanted. He was the only thing I wanted, and I wished he'd let me tell him that. I spread my knees so that he could lean closer into me. I took his face in my hands and stroked his cheekbones. I was about to tell him how sorry I was for not making things clear to him, tell him how many mistakes I'd made, and how I wanted to fix things any way I could and move on, when Jacob entered the room, interrupting me. Out of reflex, I dropped my hands. Edward stood up.

"What's going on?" His tone was accusatory, and at first I thought he was upset about the way my thumbs had been gently stroking Edward's cheekbones, or the way he was pressed against me between my legs, or even the look of relief I had from him just being near me. It took me moment to realize that he was staring at my ankle.

"I tripped," I replied sheepishly, rolling my eyes at my clumsy nature.

Jacob rolled his eyes too. He came up alongside me and sat down on the couch. He took my hand from my lap and started rubbing small circles on it. It was odd, considering the fact that Edward was still wedged firmly between my thighs. I watched as he shot Edward a nasty look. He looked like he wanted to kill him. Edward maintained his composure for a moment, but then his face changed and he snarled, breaking away from me and standing in front of us.

"You should be careful, _dog_," he hissed low. I watched his eyes swirl with anger, a little confused at their obvious silent conversation. My head swung back and forth, franticly trying to think of a way to avert whatever was about to happen.

"Oh, _yeah_? What are you going to _do_ about it?" Jacob stood and squared his shoulders. Edward matched his stance. I was surprised how intimidating Jacob was. I put my hand on his arm to calm him. "I _knew_ she wasn't safe with you," he spat.

"Jake, knock it off." I tried to rise so that I could stand between them, but my ankle throbbed. Edward's eyes flashed to mine, and he looked at me with a distinct sadness. He reached out to me to help me, but then Jacob must have interrupted him with his thoughts, because his man instincts took over again.

"Not _safe_? You're one to talk about who she is and is _not safe_ with!" Edward spat. They stuck out their chests, and I suddenly felt very annoyed. This was so unlike Edward, I couldn't believe it. He wasn't usually so quick to jump into an argument. I realized that I really had no idea what set him off. Maybe it was completely warranted.

"If she was with _me_—which she _should_ be, you know, according to the laws of _nature_—I wouldn't have let her trip in the first place," Jake growled.

Edward snorted and rolled his eyes. He pointed a finger at Jacob.

"If she was with _you_, you would have probably _caused _an injury. Need I remind you about her _hand_?" The reminder of the time I'd punched Jacob for kissing me made my hand ache.

"Edward _please_." I was begging now, anything to get them to stop. I thought I could appeal to Edward at least, but neither of them was listening. Jacob set his jaw and smiled smugly. He spoke slowly and deliberately.

"_Worth. Every. Second_."

Edward hissed and flinched. Jacob was playing the memory of our fateful kiss in his mind, I was sure. It was what Jacob would have used as evidence for all his reasoning of our relationship. That day on the cliff, when he'd threatened to sacrifice himself, would have been his proof that I was "meant" to be with him—that I "wanted" him. It would have been his justification for this whole summer. But it wasn't _real._ It was all a carefully planned ruse. I realized how stupid I'd been to try and convince him otherwise.

"Jacob!" I scolded.

"You are a disgusting cur! Hurting her was worth that poor excuse of a kiss?!"

"_Poor excuse_? It changed her mind, didn't it? And you want to talk about _hurting_ her? At least I didn't take her off to get massacred by a psycho bloodsucker. Or leave her dying and alone in the woods. Or almost get her fed to a bunch of masochistic leech lords because I was being a manipulative ass! Should I go on?"

"Jacob!" I shouted. He didn't even hear me.

"You know what else?" he continued, "_I'd_ give her _everything_ she needs, _everything_ she wants, and I wouldn't have to worry about getting my rocks off and leaving her bloody and broken in the process!"

I cringed at what he'd just said, what he'd just thrown in Edward's face. The proverbial pissing contest was really irking me. Jacob was huffing, his chest rising and falling dramatically. His fists were balled, and he looked like he was going to hit Edward square in the jaw. Edward didn't move. All the anger had washed off his face. It was replaced with desperate anguish. He was hunched over himself like he would crumple to the ground.

"Stop it! Jake that's enough." I was so angry I could spit. I moved around Jacob and put my hand on Edward's arm. I checked his face quickly, but he did not look at me. It was like he was in a trance. "You need to leave."

"Bella, I…." Jake started to soften, finally noticing me, but I would not accept anything he had to offer at that moment.

"Jake, just go! Get out!" He watched me cautiously for a minute. I'd never really spoken to him this way. For a moment he looked sorry. Then he snorted, shook his head, and stomped out, nearly running into Alice and Jasper on his way out. Everyone had returned at once. Rosalie watched him leave, scowling at him.

"What's_ his_ problem?" she snapped.

Everyone turned to look at Edward. The entry of his family shook him out of his stupor. He gave me a final look and rushed up the stairs.

"Edward, wait! Please!" I called after him. I took a moment, and looked around the room. All the vampires were watching me cautiously. Alice was in a trance. I wanted to know what she saw, but I didn't wait around to find out. I hobbled up the stairs while the rest of the Cullens stood motionless, confused. I followed him to the bedroom. He was staring at the glass wall, peering out over the beautiful lawn. I came up behind him and put my hand on his arm and kissed his shoulder. He didn't turn.

"He's _right_," he whispered.

His voice shook with sorrow, and I realized that he was feeling the worst kind of hurt. I knew it well. Shame, anger, and worst, guilt.

"No, he's not. He has a way of reminding me exactly why I punched him in the first place." He turned around to face me finally.

"Yes, Bella, he _is_. Because I _did_ do all those things to you. I did hurt you in a way that is worse than the physical pain of breaking your hand."

"Stop, _please_," I pleaded desperately.

"How can I forget what I've done to you?! How can _you_?!" The pain in his voice made me tear up. Suddenly, and uncontrollably, I was sobbing. Frustrated and feeling hopelessly lost, all at the same time.

"Please Edward. Please don't. I can't handle this. You can't keep bringing up these things over and over again, feeling guilty everyday for them. If you want to wallow in your own guilt, I don't know how to stop you, because apparently nothing I say is going to convince you that I've forgiven you for leaving, that I never thought you even _needed_ my forgiveness. I can't live our life like this, so you're going to have to figure it out. We need to figure it out…or…" I spit it out between sobs, and I wasn't sure that he'd gotten all of that, but his arms were around me in an instant.

I leaned into him, and he put his chin on my head.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I sniffed and looked up at him. He watched me, worried about my strange erratic crying. I reached up and stroked his face, paying careful attention to the way my fingers felt on his skin, the way the coolness lingered and tingled underneath my fingertips.

"Stop. _Please_. It's not _you_ that should be apologizing. This was all such a huge mistake." The tears caught in my throat as I whispered to him. His face suddenly morphed back into a tortured expression that made my stomach twist.

"_All_ of it?" he choked. I couldn't quite read the look on his face. It was a mix of emotions. He was obviously thinking of something that he didn't wish for me to regret, but I didn't know what. I offered an apology, the most sincere one I could. I wanted him to know how much I wished I had never set out this way, that I should have just let Jacob be miserable. He was all I wanted, all I could _ever_ want, and I'd nearly lost him. I was so sorry that I put him through this. It was my fault that he was going through it again now.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change things." My throat was still thick from crying. I brushed his face with my fingers—first his brow bone and then his cheeks, and then over his lips. He didn't soften, and I began to worry. When he backed up off of me, the physical separation made me want to break. He stood there, looking pained and broken himself, and I reached out to him but he stepped back just enough that my fingers missed him, swinging through the air between us. I watched him confused and frightened.

"Edward…" He stared at me for a moment and then stepped into me again, but only to kiss me lightly on the forehead. He whispered against it.

"I need to go for a drive. I'll be back soon." He didn't wait for me to say anything, just removed his lips from me and stepped around me quickly. When I turned around, he was gone.

Now what? I whimpered to myself, really unsure of what had just happened. I hobbled over to the door and downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Alice was there, sitting on the steps.

"Is he… is he really _mad_ at me?" I walked up behind her and plopped myself down next to her. She half-smiled at me and it was comforting.

"No, not mad. He's…oh, he's Edward." She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I leaned against the stairs behind me, and she turned to watch my face.

"Alice, what am I going to do? I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I feel like I'm losing everything. Like it's all slipping through my fingers." She narrowed her eyes and cocked her head to the side thoughtfully.

"Do you know what I think?"

I shook my head and waited for her to continue.

"I think you already know how everything is going to go."

"No. Isn't that your job?" She sighed at my comment and paused, thinking over what to say carefully.

"I think you've already figured out how this is all going to end, but you're trying not to think about it. Because you're afraid of the way it will happen. Because it _hurts_ to think about it. Because it will hurt _him_, to think of it. You're heart knows what it wants, Bella, and it's fighting for this ending, but your head hasn't quite caught up. You know I'm right."

She looked at me smugly, watching my reaction. She didn't say who "him" was, but I knew that she knew. She didn't have to say his name for me to know that she's truly been aware the whole time, exactly what had been transpiring as I spent my time with Jacob. She knew what I was doing now, and how lost I felt because of all my bad decisions. She was only looking out for me, and I was grateful. Though I'd manage to make a disaster of everything, she'd been my ally through it all, keeping everything contained. Why, I didn't understand. Even now, by not saying his name in the house full of vampires, she was protecting my secret. I didn't deserve her help or allegiance.

"Bella, we all know you love him, and your trying to protect him—you love both of them, though not the same way of course—but you _can't_ keep this up. It's going to _kill_ you." She was probably right, but I'd come so far. How was I supposed to justify all the wasted time with Edward? And a foolish piece of me still wanted to protect Jacob.

"It will kill _him_. I can't hurt him like that. Wasn't that the whole point? After everything, won't it hurt him worse now?"

"Do you see another way? _Really_? Something has got to give. Do you plan to do this to both of them forever?" Her voice was patient and understanding.

"No, but…"

"You can't stop living because you're afraid he'll get hurt, Bella. That was your biggest mistake. It's not good for any of you. Trust me, that's no way for you to live. He wouldn't _want_ you to live that way, not if he could see what he's really doing to you."

"You're _sure_ about that?" I snorted, thinking that Jake would do anything to "win." But she was right. I felt like I was standing on the dividing line in the middle of traffic. Either way I went, I was going to get hit, it was just a matter of whether or not I wanted to be hit by an SUV or a semi truck. The SUV would maim, but the semi truck would _kill _me. At least I wouldn't be standing there in the middle.

I saw Jacobs face flash before my eyes, warm and inviting. He always felt so comforting and good, and I knew that he'd always be a rock on which I could stand pretty firmly. He'd give me as much of the world as he could. He could have been a good option for me at one point, maybe the "me" that I used to be. I didn't really want to see his face twisting in agony from my confession.

But then I saw Edward's face, my angel. My beautiful angel. As it flashed in my mind, it liquefied the yellow and orange picture of my smiling Jacob. The background turned black and all I could see was his eyes and lips and nose. He looked at me with his golden eyes, burning with love and understanding and all the good that was in him. He whispered my name, and I felt my heart rip out of my chest.

"Alice, will he…"

"Survive?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. That's what scares me the most. All of this was meant to fix everything, and if he just ends up broken…"

She shrugged nonchalantly.

"Bella, you are so melodramatic. God, just like Edward. Really. He will survive. I know it."

"How can you know that? I thought you couldn't see any of it."

"I can't, but he will. He's stronger than you give him credit for. He'll be okay. Besides, you know as well as I do, that you're not meant for _him_." I watched her for long time. She seemed at ease, and I wondered if she was just telling me that, or if she actually believed it. I wanted so badly for it to be true. If there was a way that everyone would be happy—happy was stretching it, so I'd settle for surviving—I'd survive. But I didn't see it. She smiled sadly at me.

"Just…make yourself happy, okay? Because if you are, everything will fall into place the way it was meant to. _Believe me._"

She pat me softly on the leg and got up. I watched her as she walked into the other room. I wanted to be happy, but my being happy would hurt someone else that I dearly cared about. How could everything possible fall into place when nothing seemed to fit anymore?

* * *

I was up in his room—_our_ room—curled up reading on the couch with my leg elevated, when he came home. He stood in the doorway, leaning up against the frame. He was probably there for a while. He was watching me when I looked up. I smiled at him and rose slowly, paying special attention to my ankle. The stress of the day had taken its toll on me, and it throbbed painfully. I'd been careful with it all day.

Edward returned my smile lazily. Somehow, everything seemed to wash away when I saw him again. All the bad things that happened between us in the afternoon seemed to vanish. I walked towards him and he met me half way. I wrapped his arms around his waist and put my cheek to his chest.

"Did you have a nice drive?" I asked weakly.

"Mmm," he murmured. "It was…okay."

I leaned back from him so that I could look into his eyes but not enough that it broke our hold on each other.

"I'm sorry, about earlier. I don't like fighting with you."

He reached up and traced my lips with his thumb, pondering that thoughtfully.

"I don't think we fought," he hedged. "But you've given me a lot to think about."

"I have?"

"Yes. But not tonight. Tonight, I want you to forget everything that happened this afternoon." He leaned down and put his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. "I want to lie back, relax, and watch a movie with you."

"A movie?"

He nodded. "Yes. You'll get in your pajamas, and we'll curl up on the couch together, and _just_ watch a movie. Is that all right?" I wasn't sure why, but the idea of doing something so normal with him seemed exciting. It was a reminder of happier times, when nothing hung between us.

"I like the sound of that. Any particular movie you had in mind?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "You can pick."

I changed quickly into some soft cotton lounge pants and a tank top. When I was done, I called him back in. He lifted me up into his arms and carried me gently down the stairs to the couch. I noticed that the other members of the family were mysteriously absent.

"Are we alone?" I asked, excited about the time that we could spend, just the two of us. He nodded.

"We are. For now. They'll be back later, but we have some alone time now." I smiled at him.

He got a blanket out and two pillows. At the end of the couch, he plopped down the pillows so that I could put my leg up, and draped the blanket over me. He moved to the wall next to the TV, where stacks and stacks of movies were lined up on shelves. I couldn't even fathom how many movies there were.

"What would you like to watch?"

I sighed. I didn't really care, to be honest. Nothing with a love triangle or heartbreak or bad decisions. I didn't want to have to think too hard, either.

"Something light." He watched my face for a moment and flipped through a stack. He held up _The Sound of Music._ I shrugged. He popped it into the DVD player and sat down behind me. I leaned against him, snuggling into him.

"Can I ask you what brought this on?" I turned so that I could see his face. He wasn't looking at me, but he wasn't watching the screen either.

"I can't watch a movie with you?"

"No. It's just that I think there's more to it than that. Something you're not telling me."

He didn't say anything for a long time. I continued to watch him. He looked pained. I _hated_ that look. The opening credits were almost through when he spoke again.

"I want to make as many memories with you as I can, while I still have the time." The sadness that I'd grown so accustomed to was there, again. A sudden shot of panic coursed through me. I situated myself so that I could rest my head on his shoulder.

"We have all the time in the world."

"We have _now_. The future isn't certain."

I sighed and turned to him, sad again by the finality of his words. I hated all the doomsday talk. It made me nervous and uncomfortable, like he was so sure that the future was lost. In all honesty, I was afraid that he'd been planning on making an escape for a long time. He saw that in my eyes. He softened and scooted so that his back was to the arm of the couch and opened his arms to me.

"Come here," he said. I sighed, accepting his embrace.

I snuggled with my back against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me protectively. We watched the movie like this. Every now and then he'd lean down and kiss my head, or rest his cheek on it. I looked up to find him watching me, and the way he looked at me was both exciting and terrifying, as if he was trying to burn the image of me into his mind. He absentmindedly stroked my arm, drawing his fingertips up and down it lazily. All these gentle touches and unspoken "I love you's" made me almost forget the desperation in his voice as he told me he wanted to make memories with me. Almost.

Two parts of me existed that night: the one that selfishly wanted that with him forever, regardless of who it hurt, and the one that had been trying to fix Jacob. That one side of me wanted to blurt it out right then and there, when he was unprepared to silence me. The feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that Edward was ready to jump ship lingered, and was always there. If I told him, would he stay? I wasn't sure anymore. Would _I_ have stayed, if he'd done it to me? If _I'd_ been the one who'd been lied to and betrayed? For him, I _would_. I'd take him back and I'd never question it. But I didn't know if he could forgive me. Because what I'd done to him was a thousand times worse than anything he'd ever done to me.

As he lay with me curled in his arms, I knew that no one would ever love me as much as he would. _No one_. There was no where that I was safer than right where I was. The electricity that constantly existed between us left goosebumps over every inch of my skin, and zinged up my spine whenever I even thought about him. I could testify, wholeheartedly, in the existence of epic love. But I still didn't know if it was enough to forgive the betrayal.

I wasn't really watching the movie. I tried, but was distracted by the coolness of his skin and the tingly patterns he was making on my arm. I was trying to soak up as much of him as I could. The fact of the matter was, I was not positive how long I'd get this. What if I never felt his touch again? Could I live if I never felt his fingertips on my skin, his lips on mine, again? Would I have to settle for warm and strong, sometimes furry? Could I wake up in the morning with the knowledge that I'd had Edward and lost him?

I loved Jacob, and I knew he'd do everything he could to make me happy. I smiled to myself at what a good husband he'd make for someone someday. Smart, strong, and happy, he was a good catch. Plus he was built like a rock and beautiful. He was loyal and loving. Everything a girl could ask for. I thought about what it would have been like to come home to him, his arms wide open to me, his warm touch making me feel safe and secure. I could have seen myself there, growing old with him, both of us sitting on the porch of our little home on the reservation, happy in our life together. I could have lived with all of that—I'd _wanted_ that. I never wanted much out of the world, never needed material things to make me happy. His love would have been enough to sustain me for the rest of my life. If—and _only_ if—I would have never met Edward.

I was only remotely aware of the room around me, which was becoming less and less focused by the moment. When he spoke, I realized I'd been dozing off, all these things swirling inside my head.

"Bed time." His whisper was soft in my ear, but I jumped anyway.

"No," I mumbled. "I don't want to sleep yet." I couldn't bear for this to end. I wasn't done soaking him up yet. I needed him. I needed his touch. I needed to _tell_ him. He chuckled.

"You're falling asleep on me. Don't you think you'd be more comfortable in bed?"

"No. I'm perfect right here. Wait." I turned to snuggle into him, laying my cheek against his chest and closing my eyes. I was so used to the coolness that it felt natural and relaxing, like sleeping on a cool pillow. Granted, my pillow was smooth marble, but it felt so good regardless. I breathed deeply at how relaxed I was. Just a few more minutes of this and I would wake up. And I'd tell him. Just a few more minutes until my world came crashing around me. He rubbed my back comfortingly.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you happy?" His question took me off guard, instantly shaking me out of slumber, and I arched my back so I could look up into his eyes. He looked torn, and lonely. "Does he make you happy?"

"What? Edward, I…." I began, a little shocked by his question, still trying to understand while shaking the sleep off of me.

"Please, I want to know," he whispered.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I didn't like the way this seemed to be going. I deliberated whether or not I should lie to him to ease his mind, but I decided that honesty was the best policy. I'd done enough lying. Now fully awake, I saw my opportunity to make him understand.

"In ways, he makes me happy. When you were gone, he accepted me for who I was—really, really broken—and I knew that no matter what, he'd be there for me, no questions asked. He made me feel very… light. He used to be what kept me grounded in reality, like my link to humanity, so I owe him a lot for that. It makes me want _him_ to be happy. So when you ask me if he makes me happy…" I sighed, fumbling with my words. I wanted to be honest with him, but I knew that it would hurt him if he misunderstood. It would crush him. "Am I a happy person when he's around? Sure. But is he what I _need_ to make me happy? _No_."

He didn't look at me, lost in his own thoughts. A thoughtful frown was etched on his face. He looked a little lost. I sighed and continued.

"There's a lot of pressure between Jake and I now that never existed before, and I hate it, because it used to be easy. He's my friend, but it's so complicated. Now I just find myself overly tense in his presence, completely unsure. And I did that. It's my fault."

He acknowledged me, but didn't respond. I thought about that for a moment, and I worried that I'd hurt him more. It was nice to talk about this, to share it with someone finally, and doing so made me feel closer to him than I could have ever imagined. But I didn't know if he would react to my missing the old relationship that I had with Jacob Black. Plus, I knew how much guilt he held for leaving me and helping to start it in the first place. I could tell that kind of response was brewing. He hated himself for having left me, and any reminder threatened to dredge up those feelings of guilt in him. He seemed to take it in stride, though.

"Do you think if the pressure was gone, you'd love him more?"

I couldn't tell if this was a loaded question, so I decided to answer him as honestly as possible again.

"I think… I'd feel about him the way I was _supposed_ to feel about him—the way that the universe _meant_ for me to—and he'd…love me the way he was supposed to love _me_. Whatever we're doing now isn't the way it's _supposed_ to be."

He breathed deeply and closed his eyes. I could tell he was hurting a little. I sorely wanted it to be over and done with. I reached up to brush his cheek, about to tell him how much he meant to me and all that I'd done, when he spoke.

"Come on. It's time for bed."

"No, wait. I want to talk to you more."

"Not tonight," he whispered, and though his tone was soft, I could tell he was not discussing it with me. He didn't stop and let me finish. He lifted me up and carried me up the stairs. When we reached the bedroom, he deposited me on the bed. I wiggled under the covers and motioned for him to join me, but he stayed away reluctantly. "I have some things that I need to take care of tonight. I have to go."

I frowned. "You won't be with me tonight?"

"No." The panic that I was feeling must have shown clearly on my face. "I have to go out, but I'll come back in a little while. Alice is here now, and when I get back, I'll stay close."

That made me feel a little better. I didn't like the idea of him leaving the house completely, but knowing he'd come back soon was a little reassuring, though I still wished he'd spent the night with me.

"You promise?"

"I promise." He sat down on the edge of the bed and tucked the covers around me securely. "I probably should tell you we are going hunting tomorrow. I'll be gone overnight, at the very least."

My heart sank. I realized his need to hunt, but since I'd been living there, he'd never left for long. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't let him go for that long, but it sounded theatrical, even in my head, and a little selfish, so I just nodded. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Sleep, okay? I promise I won't be gone too long. You can call Alice or Jasper if you need anything."

"Where are you going?" I knew before I even asked it that I probably wouldn't get a straight answer.

"I need to…resolve some things."

I was suddenly aware that he might be going over to hash out the argument from the afternoon. I don't know why I thought this was where he would go, but it seemed like a logical transition from our conversation for some reason. It was odd that I even considered it, but something about it seemed sure. I didn't think it was wise for him to try and talk to Jacob. I didn't doubt that he was responsible and able to contain his emotions, but I wasn't so sure about Jake. Edward wasn't the troublemaker of the two.

"Please, don't"—I paused, because I wasn't sure that he was _actually_ going to confront Jake—"just promise me you'll be careful. Don't fight with him."

He smiled lazily at me, and brushed a piece of hair away from my face.

"Is there anything you _don't_ see?"

I snorted. "Lots of things, actually." I wanted to add, _like how you can possibly love me after all I'm putting you through_ or _how you ever loved me in the first place_. I decided better of that for now.

"Okay. I promise. Now sleep." He bent to kiss me again, and I tilted up so that our lips caught. It surprised him a little—not an easy thing to surprise a vampire who can read minds—but he kissed me back, just a bit. When he broke away, He gave me a reproachful looked and shook his head. "Goodnight," he whispered as he snuck away and turned out the light, closing the door behind him.

"Goodnight," I whispered into the dark nothingness…again. I resolved that the morning would bring an end, no matter what it cost me.

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**Chapter Notes:** I can't wait to hear what you think. I actually REALLY like this chapter, so be gentle =) Just an FYI: With it being the holidays, I will be taking an extra week in between my posts of this story. This will give me (hopefully) ample time to revise and rework chapter 17 (BIG chapter), respond to reviews, shop for and wrap Christmas presents, decorate a tree, bake cookies, clean, and try to engrain Santa and baby Jesus into my toddler...again. But I will be trying to post another outtake under the "Part of the Plans" series at . This one will be a much-requested Edward POV. I don't know when I'll get that up, but it will be before the next update. Check the forum thread. I'll post teasers for chapter 17 there too. =)

SO…my tentatively scheduled update for Best Laid Plans is December 27. But please, join us on the forums, and drop me PMs. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday! Best wishes, and be safe!


	17. Chapter 17: Decisions, Decisions

**A/N:** I hope everyone had a very happy Christmas! Mine was exhausting. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life, and I have a toddler. That is saying a lot.

Thank you SOOOOO much for all the reviews. This last chapter was overwhelming! You guys are the best!

I actually got this chapter out to you, a fact that I am still amazed about. You can thank my having to be Manager-on-Duty at my work on Christmas Eve for that. It allowed me a lot of time to revise. This chapter has a LOT of angst and heartbreak. I'm including a "Tissue Warning."

If you didn't see, I posted a new outtake last weekend form Edward's perspective from chapter 15. The chapter is called _Leaving a Piece of Me with You. _Check it out under "Part of the Plans: Extras from Best Laid Plans." I was told it too needed a "Tissue Warning"…

Here it is. Chapter 17. Enjoy. I can't wait to hear what you think. This chapter is dedicated to all of you who stuck with me for their HEA and really wanted it. Thank you.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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**XVII. ****Decisions, Decisions**

I don't know how long I lay there, listening to the sounds of the still house. Edward was not with me when I woke. All summer long, Edward was not near my bed or lying down with me when I woke up, but now I found myself especially worried. I couldn't hear any sounds beneath me, the clam before the storm. As a rule, the Cullens were meticulously quiet, so this was nothing out of the ordinary, but my stomach twisted uncomfortably as I remembered the events of the previous evening.

Edward had been so careful with me after he'd returned from his drive. I was thankful for the time that we spent together last night, but something in him seemed distant. He was gentle with me, ginger as if he might break me, as his hands traversed the planes of my arms and hands. As the movie played unwatched in the background, we retreated into ourselves. The memory of his arms around me and his body holding me safely was burned into my mind. He paid such careful attention to his hands on me. The dread that it brought out in me was staggering. I truly believed he was done with me.

After our heavy conversation to finish out the evening, I resolved that I would tell him. I _needed_ to tell him what had been going on. The time was now, as this might have been my last resort before he walked away from me forever. I knew that I had no more time left, regardless of whether or not Jacob had his match. I needed to end it.

But as many times as I told myself that, as I was hunkered under the covers surrounded by Edward's glorious scent, I couldn't will my feet to move in the direction of a solution. I stayed, clutching tightly to the comforter, unwilling to let the last of Edward go. If he decided after all I'd done that he didn't—couldn't—want me anymore, I wanted this. I was so afraid to find out.

He'd told me he was planning on going away today. The family had a massive hunting trip planned that would take them away from me, and I accepted that. I knew that if he left without me telling him, it would be one more day that he wouldn't know the truth, one more day that he might stay by my side. It would be one more day where I wouldn't have to watch him walk away from me. But it would be one more day that he wouldn't know how much I desperately loved him. If he'd already left, I'd be heartbroken. He'd have left without saying goodbye, and I don't know how I would feel about it. Scared, but relieved. Thankful, but regretful.

Then I heard a door slam somewhere downstairs. It was hard to tell where it had come from, as the house was so massive, but it was evidence that there was still someone left in the house. Or not. Perhaps they had just left. Part of me hoped it was Edward—part of me didn't. As much as I wanted all of this behind us, I worried that what I'd leave behind would be Edward himself. I closed my eyes and inhaled his heady aroma again, for what I hoped would not be the last time. I pulled back the covers and rotated my body, wincing slightly as my bare feet touched the cool hardwood. I moved to stand, remembering to be tender with my ankle. It ached and I welcomed it. It was the least that I deserved.

I hurried out of the room, now frantic to find him. Had he left, he'd left unknowing that I loved him, that he was the _only _one I loved. I hobbled down the hallway, glancing in rooms as I went by. When I reached the stairs, I grabbed hold of the banister, transferring my weight to my arms for support rather than my ankle and carefully but quickly made my way down the steps. Once I hit the landing I repeated the effort with that floor. As I rounded the corner towards the library, I heard the quiet ruffling of pages in a book, and the gentle _thudding _of books hitting the table. I froze, slowing my pace and calming my erratic breathing. I peeked inside to see Edward ruffling through several volumes that lay open in front of him on the table.

I stood in the doorway watching him for a moment. He didn't look up, but he knew I was there, a small smile playing on his lips as I stood there breathless from both my pace and the very sight of him. I was weak in the knees. My heart pitter-pattered both because I loved him, and because I feared him—he could kill me with four little words: _I'm done with you._

Slowly, his eyes rose to meet mine, the same beautiful smirk on his face, but when he saw the worry on mine, he was instantly next to me. He cupped my face in his hands and searched my eyes.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he whispered. His lips were so close to mine I could taste his honey-lilac infused flavor. I blinked trying to shake myself out of my stupor.

"I didn't know where you were. I was trying to find you," I whispered back. He instantly softened, rubbing my cheeks gently.

"Why didn't you just call for me? I would have heard you. You shouldn't really be running around like that with your sore ankle." He gestured to the ankle that I was being careful not to put much weight on. It was suddenly more painful at the reminder.

"Oh." My pathetic response was all that I could come up with. I hadn't really thought to actually call for him, but it would have made the most sense. Edward would hear me no matter where he was in the house. I probably could even have whispered and he would have known I'd been looking for him. If I was being honest, though, a part of me really didn't want to find him. I shrugged and he smiled. He released me.

"I didn't know if you were still here. When are you leaving?" I watched him as he distractedly scanned through the books.

"Soon." He said. He didn't look up from what he was doing for a long time, and I held my breath in anticipation of what I knew was coming. Then he sighed and looked up into my eyes. Something about his expression was off. "We're just waiting for Carlisle to get back from his shift at the hospital, and we'll all be leaving. It should only be a few more minutes now."

"Oh," I murmured again. Struck with his quick departure, I sighed knowing that the conversation I was dreading to have would have to come much sooner and much more rushed than I had planned. He was leaving, and in just a couple minutes. If I hadn't come down, we wouldn't have spoken at all. It struck me that he'd not woken me up. I had no idea if he even had plans to do so. This combined with his strange demeanor made my stomach twist and churn sickly. "Were you planning on leaving without saying goodbye?"

His eyes snapped to mine, the look in his eyes cool and calculating. He'd never looked at me that way. It only lasted a fraction of a moment however, and he softened, his whole body relaxing visibly. He even smiled slightly.

"No. I was going to let you sleep, though, until it was absolutely necessary for me to wake you. You were pretty restless last night." His body became ridged again, and I moved towards him, saddling up near him so that he had no choice but to look at me.

"I didn't stay, but I came back." He spoke in barely a whisper and stared deeply into my eyes, searching them for something. "I'll come back to you as long as you want me."

We stayed that way for the longest time. It was as if he was trying to tell me something. The intensity of his gaze reminded me that I needed him to understand everything, as much as it might hurt to tell him. I sighed.

"Edward, we need to talk."

He watched me for a moment more, and then sighed deeply. Anguish washed across his face briefly. It was as if he knew.

"I know." He shuddered and his shoulders slumped as the tremors rolled through him. "I know we do. I…I can't right now. There isn't time. But we will. We…we will. When I get home."

He took in a sharp breath, and I pushed myself closer to him. Instinctively, I put my hand up to his cheek, while I brought the other to rest on his chest. He nuzzled into my hand and closed his eyes tightly. I rubbed his cheekbone with my thumb. He sighed and opened his eyes to look at me again.

"How long will you be gone?" I whispered. It came out a little more desperately than I had hoped.

"We're not planning a long trip. We should be home by noon tomorrow."

I nodded, thankful that our separation would be only a little over twenty-four hours. I could handle that. It wouldn't be much worse than when he'd gone overnight and I was still living with Charlie. I could handle myself for that long.

"Where are you going to be?"

"We'll be close. You can call me on my cell if you need me. Plus, someone will be back tonight to check on you."

Something about that seemed off. I knew that he'd have someone coming back to keep watch over me at night, but in the way he said it, he seemed so reluctant about it. He was watching me carefully.

"You'd come home? If I needed you? You'd drop everything and come home?"

He stilled and continued to consider me thoughtfully for a moment before he answered.

"Bella, I'll come _whenever _you call me." His voice waivered with the intensity of his words. I shivered and moved closer to him. He wrapped me up tighter, pulling me closer to him.

"Please be careful," I whispered into his chest, now unable to look into his eyes. "I need you to come home." I felt his arms squeeze me softly before he released his grip on me. I stepped back, and saw that his lips had turned up ever so slightly.

"I'm pretty sure there isn't much that I need to be '_careful_' of, but I will."

"Okay, well, don't go picking fights with werewolves or anything, okay?"

He smiled and snorted. "Not today."

We stayed like that for a moment before he turned away from me again to put the books back. Quick as lightning, they were back on the shelf, perfectly arranged. He was still facing away from me when I spoke.

"I wish you didn't have to go," I whispered weakly. The fact that he was almost moments away from leaving was affecting me greatly. I worried about all the things that might change after our discussion. What if this was the last time I'd say goodbye and know that I'd see him again, that I'd know he'd willingly come back to me? My voice shook.

I was in his arms again instantly. Despite everything that hung between us, he was always my protector.

"Bella, you'll be safe. Don't worry."

"It's not that," I said. "I just…I just don't want you to have to go."

He sighed and lifted my chin so that I was looking up at him. His golden eyes flickered back and forth as if he was trying to read something etched onto my soul.

"Be a good girl while I'm away?"

I nodded. He continued to watch me a while. His hand still held my chin gingerly, his other arm wrapped around my back. Then, suddenly, he looked away from me towards the door and his expression changed. He sighed and released his hold on me.

I knew what this meant. The time that we had together was gone. He had to go, and he was taking the rest of the Cullens with him as well. I knew it was irrational, but it reminded me of a time when he did not plan on coming back. I must have squeaked out some sort of desperate sound, because he turned back to me quickly and with apprehension in his eyes.

"I have to go," he offered softly. I nodded in acquiesce. Neither of us moved, both frozen from the knowledge that we would be apart for over a day. It was so much different now that I was living with him. That time felt like it would be so much longer. Finally he sighed. Slowly and softly, he leaned forward and placed his lips tenderly to my forehead. His breath washed over me as he breathed deeply, in and out, as his lips gently grazing the spot. It stunned me enough that I was unable to do much more than close my eyes and breathe. I barely felt his lips leave my forehead before I opened my eyes. He was gone. I stood there for a long while, the memory of him and his lips keeping me standing.

* * *

The day passed by, mostly uneventfully. I spent it cooped up in the large, empty house. It was by my own accord that I'd chosen to do so. I hadn't worked at Newton's store in over a week, having told them earlier in the week that I was done. As much as I hated to do it, I knew that I needed to let the job go and allow them to find someone more reliable. I had no idea what the future held, and it was only fair that they not have to depend on me. Mrs. Newton had been extremely nice about it when I told her that my schedule was so up in the air. She told me not to worry about it, hugging me and wishing me the best. I wished I had a real reason that I could have given her. The truth was that I was hoping that soon I wouldn't need a job. Once all of this fiasco was over and done with, I hoped that Edward and I would be able to move forward with our plans. That was if he even wanted me after. I wasn't sure about that either. It was only fair that I cut loose from Newton's. They needed someone who wouldn't be falling apart at the seams.

I spent most of the rest of the morning and early afternoon watching old movies on the sofa. I tried reading but couldn't concentrate. I went and tidied up the mess that I'd managed to make of Edward's room. I called my mom. She and Phil were busy landscaping, having started their vacation that day. I laughed at her elaborate excitement of the tasks that they were working on. I briefly thought about how much she'd changed. We chatted for a bit until she and Phil needed to get back to work. I made some lunch, a salad. It wasn't much, but I didn't feel like being to elaborate. I cleaned the already spotless kitchen. I did my laundry.

All of this took only a little over two hours. I contemplated how I would manage to get through the next twenty-two hours. For the briefest of moments, I considered calling Jake. It was only fleeting, however, because I realized that I didn't actually _want _to see him. We hadn't spoken since the blowout the day before, and I was still angry at him for all the hurtful things he'd said to Edward. I realized that the fight had caused some change in Edward, and I was irritated that he hadn't apologized yet. As much as still considered Jacob my friend, I knew that it was time for all of this to change. I'd made it more difficult, but my place was with Edward, and Jacob only tended to confuse things further. I spent the rest of the afternoon buried in a book from the library.

A little after four o'clock he showed up. I should have expected him to come unannounced, but I thought that after the debacle that was the day before, he would be sulking with his tail between his legs. I was wrong, as I went to answer the door. All I could do was stand there and stare at him, a perplexed look on my face. I'd have assumed, if I were him, that I wasn't welcome after the fight. He just laughed at the look on my face and pushed through the door past me, whistling nonchalantly. He briefly looked around to see if anyone else was there, and at seeing that the house was void of all vampires, flopped himself down on the couch where my blanket and book lay waiting for me.

I was too shocked and confused. He looked over at me and smiled widely, raising his eyebrows in anticipation. Finally, I shook myself out of my stupor.

"What are you doing here?"

He laughed again at me. It only managed to further irritate me.

"I'm here to see you." He looked over at my book and picked it up gingerly as if it were covered in mud. Then he paged through it and shook it at me. "I'm here to keep you company—_entertain_ you. Aren't you happy to see me?"

I still stood at the entry way, feeling as if I'd missed something crucial in our exchange. He sighed and came to join me. I was surprised when he grabbed my hand and pulled me with him to the couch. It was only then that I noticed that he'd brought with him a stack of DVDs and a small duffle bag. He led me to the couch and sat us both down.

"I…I don't understand," I stuttered. I was so confused.

"Bella, what's not to understand? I'm here to keep you company so that you are not alone."

"But…how did you know?"

"What? That they were going away hunting today?"

I nodded dumbly. He looked at me like I was losing my mind.

"Because Edward told me," he said rolling his eyes. I knew that he wasn't trying to be belligerent, but he wasn't really answering my questions effectively. I still wanted to know why he thought that it was a good idea. If Edward knew that Jake had come over after all that had happened, he would be very angry. As irritated as Jake had been making me lately, I didn't want them to fight again. I rose and began pulling him up to get him off the couch. It proved difficult, and he watched me with amusement as I pulled and tugged to no avail.

"Bella, what are you doing?"

"You have to go, Jake. He won't be happy that you're here. Can you just cooperate, here?" I continued my wasted efforts to get him to budge from his spot on the couch. He shook his head and laughed.

"Bella, _stop_. Edward _asked_ me to come over."

I stopped and dropped my hands, shocked at his statement.

"What? When?"

He shrugged, relaxing back into the couch as I sat down next to him slowly.

"Last night. He asked me to come over today after they left. You know, to watch out for you."

"Oh." I continued to stare at him, trying with difficulty to process that. I sat distractedly on the very edge of the couch. Edward had _asked_ him to come over? The concept was not one that I could wrap my head around.

"Why would he do that? Why would he call _you_? After everything, I would guess that he would want you anywhere near me." Jacob looked at me carefully as I remained perplexed by this new development. Then his face changed. He shifted his body so that he was angled towards me, and mimicked my posture on the edge of the couch.

"Well," he said softly, "Maybe he's just beginning to accept things for what they are."

"What is that supposed to mean?" My tone was a little clipped as I tried to understand. He wasn't giving me the answers that I needed. Why was _he_ the one Edward called? Why did he suddenly trust him? What had happened that I wasn't aware of? And what did Jacob mean, '_he's beginning to accept things for what they are_?' He watched me as the questions ran through my head at lightning speed.

"I don't know," he said, looking down at his hands intently. "Maybe he just knows now that this is _right_." He looked up at me and watched me. I sat there, trying to understand what he was talking about. He reached up and brushed a stray hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear before leaning in further and whispering. "Maybe he's starting to really get what I've been telling him all along."

He leaned in further and put his lips to my cheek. The heat from his skin ricocheted off of my face with intensity, burning where he touched. I felt the gentleness of his lips as they ghosted over my skin, and I sat stunned as he put more pressure on my cheek.

_More pressure_. There was more pressure, _again_. That's what was wrong with the whole thing. The weight I always felt on my shoulders lately when Jake was involved was back again, making its presence very well known. This is what I didn't have with Edward. Things used to be easy with Jake, but now, I was fighting everything he offered all the time. It was not what I wanted. It was easy to give into Edward—my heart rejoiced at it. There was no effort.

My chest constricted and felt as if it had dropped into the pit of my stomach as I realized what I had done, what I had been doing all along. Jake's body moved closer to mine as I sat there, trying desperately to push down the bile that was churning in my gut. The room began to spin, and I clutched the sofa so tightly my hands ached from it. His hand cupped my other cheek as he moved up to my ear and kissed at my throat there. He twisted his fingers in my hair behind my other ear, and continued to place hot open-mouth kisses at my jaw, the places that Edward always kissed. That was _Edward's _spot.

"This is how it's meant to be. He told me that last night," he whispered against my skin.

Hot tears formed in my eyes at my newly acquired knowledge. In the brief moments that I sat there as an unwilling participant in Jake's fantasy, I put everything together. Edward had asked Jake to come. Edward had gone to see him and told him that he needed to protect me. That it was _his job_ to do so. That it was his job because I was _his_. Jacob's, not Edward's. I saw it all now, all the hesitation and hurt in his eyes, all of it because of me. Because I'd _lied_ and made him think that I didn't want him. I'd lost him, and there was nothing I could do. He'd let me go, because I'd done the same to him. _I'd let him go_. I choked and hiccupped as the pain scorched through my body. It only helped to fuel Jake on, and he became more eager, his hands knotting tighter in my hair, and his lips grazing my skin more feverishly. Instantly, I snapped out of my despair-induced haze and stiffened.

I put my hands to Jake's chest and firmly pushed. He didn't move with my effort, so I did it again, this time more forcefully and angrily. He moved back a few inches. I saw the shocked and confused look on his face at my action.

"Stop it. Please, just stop," I whispered.

"Bella, I don't…" he started, but I put my hand up and stopped him. The tears were running freely down my cheeks now, and I dry heaved a little.

"I need you to leave," I whimpered.

"What?"

"I don't care what he told you. You need to go." I was trying to hold it together as best as I could until I convinced him to go. Because I _needed _to convince him to go.

"Bella, I'm not going to…" he started again. I cut him off.

"Yes, you are! Please Jake, I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want you here. I need you to go. This isn't right." Another sob broke free from the confines of my throat, and I shuddered.

"It is," he pleaded. I could hear the panic in his voice, the way that he was desperately trying to convince me of it. He scooted towards me again as I backed up, pulling my upper body away from him. "Bella, _please._"

"No, it isn't! Don't you see? You're wrong. Please just go!" My words hung in the air between us, and I saw the fear and sadness in his eyes.

He watched me hesitantly, the hurt spreading over his entire body. He was reluctant to do as I asked, but as I continued to sob he rose unsteadily. He looked at me and sighed. I buried my face in my hands and the tears drenched my fingers. After a while I felt him move away from me. The door clicked quietly, and I knew he was gone.

I sat there for the longest time, silently crying into my palms. I felt as if all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. After awhile, I shifted my position on the couch and curled up into a ball. My hands wrapped around my body as I continued into my downward spiral, losing all sense of time and reality. I felt like I was falling.

The hole in my chest was even worse now than it had been before. Edward didn't leave because he didn't want me this time, but because he believed that_ I_ didn't want _him_. I lost all reason as my tears stained the couch beneath my head.

Everything that I'd had this morning, last night, these last few days, was _gone_. I brought my wrist up to my face and examined the charm that hung there. I'd lost everything because I'd been to selfish to realize that it was all slipping away in front of my eyes. All the things we'd said, I now saw them the way _he_ did. Everything that I said one way, he took another. I was stupid, _so stupid_. He'd felt all along that I hadn't loved him. I broke down again, knowing that he'd lost all hope for us, that he'd stepped away to give me happiness, and all _I'd_ done was broken him even more. I'd never deserve his love and forgiveness. He was my angel, my reason for being, and all I wanted, and now, I'd never get him back. My best friend, my lover—my _soul mate_—was gone, and I'd been the one to send him away.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep. I woke with a start, surprised that the room was drenched in darkness. The moonlight shown through the big open panes of glass. I sighed deeply, moving my muscles slightly to loosen them. I was stiff and sore from being stuck in the same fetal position. My body cried out at the effort, and my ankle throbbed. I rubbed my face, trying to clear my head and sat up.

Instantly, I felt nauseous again. I waivered a little and gripped the edge of the sofa for support. Anguish ripped through my chest at the knowledge that I had not been dreaming earlier.

I rose and lifted myself of cushion, and wrapped my arms around my body to hold myself together. It did nothing to help. Slowly, I hobbled into the kitchen, pausing just in the doorway. The rational part of my brain told me to eat, that I hadn't had a single thing to eat since my meager salad at lunch, but my stomached heaved at the thought of food. I turned and went upstairs. When I reached Edward's door, I paused. I was not sure if I should be allowed anymore. But I needed it _so_ badly.

I only hesitated for a moment before I gripped the handle firmly and walked in. His scent—honey-sweet and delicious—hit me hard when I opened the door, and I crumpled to the floor sobbing. I crawled to the bed on my hands and pulled myself up to the top. I gripped the comforter tightly in my fists, trying to hold on to whatever I could. I fumbled and reached over to the bedside table, grabbing the first edition of _Pride and Prejudice_ that Edward had let me have from the library. I clutched it tightly to my chest, and fingered the charm that hung from my wrist. It was all of him that I had left, and I cried into it and soaked the pages until all when quite and still in my head.

* * *

A noise like a lightning bolt jolted me awake again. I instantly sprung up. I hadn't slept well at all, and was off balance. It was still dark outside the large windows. I reached over and turned on the lamp next to the bed. The light burned in my eyes, and caused me to blink rapidly. I threw my hand over my face until I could adjust to it. I looked over at the clock. _1:27_. I ran my hands through my hair. Stretching, I remembered the noise that had woken me. All the events of the evening flooded back into my head, and my breathing hitched as the knowledge that I'd gained washed over me. I realized that my book was not next to me, and that I'd likely dropped it. I was thankful for it. It had startled me enough to wake me from my horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, my waking nightmare was no less frightening.

I hopped down to retrieve my book. It had fallen behind the bed, and so I had to reach to get it. I wedged myself between the bed and nightstand, reaching to get back one of the only links I had to Edward. My fingers strained and stretched until they felt something, though it wasn't the hard, uncompromising cover that I was accustomed to.

When I pulled it out, I saw that it was a book, though not the one I had been grabbing for. It was leather-bound and worn, wrapped up tightly with an equally worn cord, and it looked as though it had been paged through a great deal. A satin bookmark held a place towards the back half of the pages. I held it in my hands gingerly not sure what to do. Curiosity got the better of me, and I unwound it carefully, and flipped to the bookmarked page.

It took me a fraction of a second to realize what I was holding. I touched it gently, fingering the perfect penmanship. A voice inside my head screamed at me to close it, that I likely didn't _want _to know what secrets it held, but my heart thudded loudly in my chest, and I couldn't help myself. I needed to know. I closed my eyes for a moment relishing in the feel of it, weighty in my hands. It _smelled_ of him. When I opened my eyes, I focused.

_**July 27—**_

_**I watched her last night through her window, as she lay there peacefully dreaming. I just wanted to see her, to make sure she was all right. I'm lying to myself again. I wanted to make sure **__**he**__** wasn't with her. She was alone, and I felt relief wash over me and through me. I've been so foolish, I know that. I know that she loves me, but she loves him too. And he's better for her than I am. He's healthier for her. He'll be able to give her everything: not just the things I can't but everything I already do, too. He'll be able to keep her alive. One of these days her better judgment will take over and she'll realize this, ending this ridiculous dance that we've been doing. My greatest fear, however, is that it will end. **_

_**She's agreed to go on a date with me. It's nearly killed me to watch him take her out, love her the way that I should have always been able to love her. I'd give anything to be able to stand at her side in the sunlight and let the world know that she was mine. But he is the one who can do that for her, while I hide away in the shadows, wishing I was him. He'll make her happier than I ever could, but that doesn't mean I'm not a selfish creature. I know what I'm doing when I asked her to date me, just this once. I'm laying down hope that I'm wrong. But I already know that I'm not. She's given her heart to him. My Bella belongs to Jacob Black.**_

_**I've avoided her as best as I could, because where she is, he's likely to be. It's like venom through my system all over again at listening to him. He's entirely inappropriate with his thoughts of her. Truthfully though, haven't I had those same thoughts? I've imagined myself touching her that same way, holding her so that her warm skin was flush against mine, against **__**all**__** of mine. Kissing over every inch of her. Hearing her pant my name breathlessly. I wish I could show her physically how much I love her—need her—because right now I can't even begin to do that. The kisses we used to share are mere shadows of what I want to give her. It pains me that I will never get that chance with her—and that would be the best thing for her.**_

_**She was dreaming last night, and I felt that pang in my long dead heart that she is always unequivocally been able to draw up from me. The urge to climb through the window and hold her was so great that I had to grab hold of the ledge and grip to keep myself stationary. I hope that she doesn't notice the holes and wood splinters.**_

_**I couldn't tell exactly what she was dreaming about at first, so I stayed and listened for some sign. I miss hearing her talk in her sleep. I suppose a part of me was hoping to hear my name, something that would mean that I was filling her head and not him. But then I heard her whisper softly, 'Jacob. My Jacob. Why won't you just imprint?!' And of course I knew she was dreaming of him. A sudden wash of angst spread over me, and I realize now that if he imprinted on her, it would be so much easier for her. She'd have no choice anymore, and she wouldn't be stuck in this excruciating state of mental tumult, having to pick between us. I know what it's been doing to her.**_

_**It pains me to write this, to lay down on paper the very thing that my heart has been dreading this whole time. I want to run to her now, tell her I can't survive without her, and beg her. I'd apologize for everything a million times over if I thought it would help. I'd die all over again if it meant she'll love me again. I'd gladly lay down everything I have to be able to love her the way she'd meant to be loved. But nothing I do is good enough, because I'm not him.**_

_**Even though she doesn't know it, I have my answer. She loves him. I'd like to kill him, but I can't, because it's all my fault. I did this. I pushed her into his arms. And I will have to live with that for the rest of her life. **_

_**I want her to be happy, even if it means I'm not. I want her to have everything, every experience that I can't give her. Because she deserves that. **_

_**I know I will never be good enough for her. But I won't give up on her, and I know that even if she decides to love Jacob—even if she does imprint with him—I'll stay to watch over her. (Because of course I like having my body ripped apart from the inside! I must!) I'll never regret anything, because she'll always be my only reason for living, even if she belongs to him. And I'll love her anyway—because while I want her body, I can live without it. I **__**can't **__**live without her mind and her heart. I would suffer for the rest of eternity to be able to simply be around her, and I'll settle for that if it's all she can give me. Over everything else, she is my best friend, not because of how excruciatingly beautiful she is (because she is), but because she is loving and gentle, and the most intelligent creature. I crave her soul like I crave human blood—her blood. Her soul is my life. I'll take whatever piece of it she'll give me. Even if it's his…**_

The tears left marks on the paper and smudged the lettering just a little where they rested for too long, soaking into the page and swirling the ink slightly. I wiped my eyes again and lamented that I'd been crying too much today. Actually, for the last few months. I sat there for a long while on the floor, my legs tucked under me, the journal still in my lap.

The hole in my ribcage that seemed to be a permanent fixture now widened severely at the words I knew he'd written, the ones that put me above everything else. He'd given up, not because he lacked the will, but because he loved me and thought I'd wanted it. He had been walking away from me even as I walked closer to him, even before I moved in with him.

I closed the journal as my eyes blurred from the tears. I placed it to the side and lay down on the floor, trying, once again, to hold myself all together. He was all I wanted. How could he not understand that? He was all I could ever want. I just needed him o know that. If there was any way that I could show him, I would. I'd do anything to show him that I wanted him more than my own life, that I didn't_ have_ a life worth living without him.

Suddenly, I rose, putting the journal back under the bed close to where I'd found it. I flew to the small bedside stand and opened the drawer frantically. There was a haphazard desperation with my searching, and I took little care to notice more than what I was looking for. It lay carefully placed in the back. I took it out and held it carefully in my hand. Then I reached for my cell phone and dialed the number quickly. He answered in one ring.

"Bella. Are you alright? What's wrong?" His voice was anxious, strained with worry. Silent tears streamed down my face at the sound of his voice. I never thought I might hear it again.

"I just…I just needed to talk to you." There was a moment of silence. Then he sighed and I heard the desperation in that little breath.

"Okay. Just a second." I could hear the wind rush past the phone and figured he must be trying to get away from the others. "Okay. What's going on?"

Suddenly, I didn't know what to say. I had only called on an impulse. I know what he needed, but I'd not planned out what I wanted to say to him, how I would convince him that he was the one. I needed to know that he still existed, that he hadn't left me already. My heart ached for him, and I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and make up for our lost time. I wanted him there, with me. I needed to see him.

"I need… Can you come home?" He didn't say anything, and I looked at the phone to make sure that it hadn't gone dead, panic creeping up into my voice.

"Yes. I'll be there in a bit." He sounded cautiously resigned, and my heart lurched, knowing that I had done that to him.

"Edward? I _love_ you." I desperately clung to that, and waited for him to tell me that he loved me too. I needed him to know, hoping that it would pull him home to me before it was too late. The phone was quiet again for a while. He sighed.

"I love you too. I'll be home soon." He hung up the phone, and I concentrated on him coming. I paced the floor waiting for him, hoping that I would be able to find a way to show him that he was the only one. I fiddled with my finger and my bracelet. I hoped it would be enough.

I wondered at what point I had lost touch with the reality of it all. I let myself be so consumed with my quest to make Jacob happy that I forgot about Edward. How could I _do_ that? I loved him, more than anything—more than Jacob, more than my parents, more than _myself_—but I'd pushed him to the background to take care of someone that I had no business taking care of. That was not my job. Alice was right: Jacob would survive. But how would_ I_? If I didn't have Edward, I didn't know how I _could_.

I was a terrible person. I realized at that point that even if I did earn Edward's forgiveness, I didn't deserve it. I'd gone through with the blackest of deceit, and I'd hurt him more than I could have even imagined possible. I'd never thought it was conceivable, to damage him that way, my inhuman love, but I had. It's scarred him to the core and made him doubt that he was my everything. He'd left me once, but I'd nearly killed him. I didn't want to hurt Jacob, but I _couldn't_ keep on hurting Edward.

It was less than fifteen minutes later before he was back. He moved silently, but I knew the second he was there. It was as if my body came alive by his very proximity. The gentle tap on the door affirmed his arrival.

He didn't wait for me to answer, and opened the door slowly. The first thing I noticed was his hair, windblown and disheveled. I smiled at it, but then I saw the look in his eyes. There was worry, but more potent was the unabashed dread in his eyes. And the angst. There was always the angst, but it was a little more evident now.

The very sight of him looking that way made me tear up once again, and I rushed to him, my body crashing into his. He held me in his arms and quieted me against his chest. My body literally calmed at his very presence, feeling the serenity that he brought with him.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm home." He let me nuzzle into him for a while until my silent tears had subsided. Then he looked down at me. "Now, tell me what was so important that it couldn't wait until this afternoon. You should be sleeping—you look exhausted. And I should be hunting." He tilted my head up and stroked the bags under my eyes, now there partly from lack of sleep and partly from crying. The look of pain had not softened on his face. He was serious and his breathing was erratic.

"You came back. I was so afraid you weren't coming back," I whispered.

"Bella, I told you I'd come home if you needed me. I'm never too far away to come back to you, and nothing will ever be more important than if you need me."

I reached up and stroked his cheek with my right hand as he watched me intently. He shuddered and the pain returned. I lowered my voice as the tears continued to make hot trails down my skin.

"I'm _so sorry_, Edward."

He sighed and looked away, the anguish marring his features. There was nothing that I wanted more than to make that go away. Immediately. I grabbed his hand and led him to the bed. He began to protest.

"Bella, maybe we shouldn't…" I pulled him anyway. He continued to move with me, evidence that he wasn't trying to stop me. I wouldn't be able to budge him if he was putting up even a miniscule amount of effort.

"Stop. I need this. I can't _do_ this anymore. I _have_ to tell you." He came with me and sat next to me on the bed. His eyes were empty as if nothing was left behind them. I put my hands on his cheeks and looked into his eyes to find him again. He was not there. He closed his eyes and winced.

"I needed to see you, Edward. I needed to tell that I am _so_ sorry for everything I've done to you. I'm sorry that I've lied and that I didn't tell you right away how I feel. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted you to feel this way," I sobbed. I wasn't sure if he caught all of it.

His face tightened again as the pain washed over him in waves, and he watched me carefully. It was a while before he spoke.

"Bella. I know what this is about." I sat up, and he shifted so that he was no longer near me. The separation made me ache.

"Okay." I waited for him to continue, and he struggled. There was too much suffering, too much fear, too much desolation in him, but he managed to choke it out. He closed his eyes.

"You've made your choice," he strangled. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was going to collapse from exhaustion. His reaction was to be expected, considering that I had made him question my love for him, but it didn't hurt me any less. I was too late. He'd given up on me. Fear and regret and anger at myself welled up inside me. I began to cry again, all the will to continue washed out of me.

"Edward, I'm so sorry!" I wept for all the things I knew we'd never have now, and for all the many ways I'd made him suffer the last months. I wished I could take it all back. Nothing else mattered anymore. I had lost the one thing I knew I couldn't live without, and it was all my own fault. How stupid I'd been! After all I put him through, I'd been lucky to have him this long. I buried me face in my hands, dampening them with my tears.

The coolness around my left wrist startled me. It encircled it with the lightest of touches. It was soft and gentle, barely there. I didn't want to hope that he was willingly touching me. I couldn't allow the power of that simple gesture to cloud over the fact that I'd ruined us. I didn't want to hope that his touch was real, and not just a beautiful hallucination. Slowly, the chilled tingles ran along my wrist and up the side of my hand, feathering over my skin and stilling over the fourth finger of my left hand. When I had the courage to look up, he took my hand tenderly in his. His fingers traced up each of mine and around the sparkling diamond that now rested on my finger. The look on his face surprised me. The agony was replaced by confusion and doubt, and _wonder_.

"Bella…" he breathed. He couldn't get the words out. He shook his head like he was trying desperately trying to understand. I touched his face carefully. Everything suddenly sprang forth out of me.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I _love_ you. Please forgive me for everything I've put you through. Please tell me that you still want me after everything, that you can forgive me for what a terrible person I've been. I've been so stupid to think that you'd sit back and let me do this to you, that I'd make it through without there being any repercussions. And now I've lost you. The one person I can't live without. I want so badly to be your wife. Please take me back or…"

My lips were silenced by his, forceful and cold, and I gave into him willingly, letting myself crumple and melt into him. His kisses were near feverish. He pulled me into him, and we collapsed back on the bed. He'd never given me these kinds of kisses before. They were not like anything I'd felt before, though he was still restrained. I never wanted them to end for fear that he might never give them to me again, but my need for air won out over me need for Edward. Strange, because my need for the later was so much stronger.

He let me breathe, kissing my neck and cheek and forehead. My lashes were still wet, and he kissed them too.

"Bella, you're wearing my _ring_." He was so quiet, murmuring gently against my temple. The awe in his voice was evident. He slowed his kisses and brought my hand up between us, gently stroking my fingers again. He brought his lips to my hand and kissed each one of my fingertips before kissing my palm. I laid my hand on his cheek.

"Yes. I'm ready. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. You have me. Every _bit_ of me. You _always_ have. I should have told you from the beginning," I said weakly, stifling the sob that was still lingering. I was still concerned that he wouldn't_ want_ all of me, that it was too late to make up for all the mistakes. He didn't say anything. He still had the look of wonder on his face. Finally he sighed and sat up, pulling me with him until we were sitting on the bed facing each other.

"Are you sure?" He had closed his eyes and the familiar look of doubt and apprehension was back.

"Yes! _Yes_! Edward, I've never been _more sure_ of anything." I'd scrambled so that I was on my knees, desperately trying to convince him, my hands on his cheeks and reaching up to tug at his hair at the back of his neck. "Living without you when you're so near—having you as anything less than what you're _meant_ to be to me—has shown me that all the more. I can't be with anyone besides you. You are where I belong. You are _home_ to me. Please say you want me still. Please tell me that you still want me to marry you."

At that, he let out an exuberant guffaw.

"You are a silly, silly girl. Of _course_ I still want to marry you! Bella! You're _all_ I want!" He kissed me again, this time delicately and slowly, so that I was once again melting into him. He broke off the kiss slowly and rested his forehead on mine. "I feel all those things too, you know. You could possibly think that I wouldn't want to marry you anymore?"

I looked at him sadly, because now I had to admit to him that I'd lied. I had to tell him that I'd put someone else before him for the purposes of making him happy. I had to tell him that even if he _did_ want me, I didn't deserve him.

"I'm a terrible person, Edward! I've lied to you this whole time, and I don't deserve you!" I felt the tears begging to surface again, as if their presence would alleviate any of the guilt and suffering I felt for Edward having to endure my deceit. He pulled me closer to him and shushed me.

"Why would you ever say that," he murmured quietly into my hair. "It doesn't matter what you think you did to me. What matters is that you've made your decision. I was very disappointed with your decision at first. Because I thought that _I_ wasn't it. I thought that you'd picked him." His eyes were sorrowful at the thought, but quickly returned to normal. I was taken aback.

"What? I don't…Why? _Why?!_" I stumbled over the words. He stroked my cheek. "He's not what I want. He's _never been_ what I wanted."

"Bella, it makes sense. Look at all that he can give you, at what he can _be_ for you." The anguish threatened to creep back into his face. Forcefully, I placed my hands on his cheeks and caught his eyes with mine.

"He can't be _you_." I sighed. "Edward, it's _always_ been you, and I'm sorry that I let you doubt that. It was a stupid idea to let this go on, but I thought that if I could just give Jake some time to imprint on someone else, I wouldn't have been the one to hurt him. That he'd simply let me go, on his own. Now I see how utterly ridiculous that was. I should have just ripped that band aid off right away and…" I was rambling, and hadn't noticed the look of confusion on his face.

"Wait. What? You wanted him to imprint…on someone _else_?" I looked up and caught his confusion. "Bella, I thought…"

"I'm so sorry I…"

Neither one of us finished, as we both found the irresistible urge to be in each others arms. He pushed me gently back on the bed again and hovered over me, interlacing our hands and kissing me vehemently again. After the round of kisses slowed, he rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, our fingers still tangled. I looked at him thoughtfully.

"I've made so many mistakes," I whimpered. He turned me so that he could look me in the eyes.

"_We've_ made so many mistakes. I'm just as much to blame as you. More so actually. I allowed him the chance to love you, and you him, so long ago." I tried to protest, but he silenced me. "I don't want to make any mistakes anymore."

"Neither do I. Which is why I want to marry you. Tonight. _Right now_." I hopped up quickly, looking excited. He watched me with an amused expression, though he didn't move an inch. It was a relief to see the light in his eyes again.

"Right now?"

"Yes. How long will it take us to get to Vegas?" I was already searching around in the dresser drawers for something that seemed appropriate to wear. There had to be something in there I could wear to a wedding. _Mine._

"Bella." His tone was patient and calm, but I didn't respond. He waited a moment. "Bella."

He finally rose and came behind me, leaning over to whisper in my ear.

"Bella."

Startled, I turned quickly.

"Yeah? Do you think this is pretty enough?" He grabbed my hands, which were holding a light blue blouse.

"Bella, listen to me. As happy as I am for your enthusiasm —_finally_—are you sure that's what you want? To run off to Vegas without telling anyone?"

"Yes. Why not? You'd said it was okay before…all this… and I want to marry you _now_."

He sighed. "You want to do this without telling Charlie or Renee? Or without Esme or Carlisle…or _Alice_?" I winced a little at the idea of not having my family there to be a part of it, but I didn't want or need a big production. Firstly, it wasn't my style. Secondly, it wasn't about them, as much as I loved them. All that mattered was that Edward was there. That I was with Edward. Finally and freely. I'd deal with the families after the fact. Plus there was something to getting married without my dad having the opportunity to protest.

"All I need is for you to be there. They'll understand." He pondered me for a moment and smirked. He sighed and nodded.

"They will. It's true."

At that, I thought I'd won, but then his face changed. His smile disappeared and he leaned into me.

"What about Jacob?" he whispered. I froze, suddenly cold. "Is _that_ how you'd want him to find out about all of this?"

The sudden pang in my heart was so strong that I reached out my hand and leaned against him for support. It didn't matter that I'd finally confessed to Edward. Even though there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted Edward, I had yet to confess to Jacob, too. He was going to be badly hurt by my deceit as well. It wouldn't be enough to change my mind about marrying Edward, but he deserved to know the truth first before I came back a married woman.

"Why are you trying to stop me?" I whispered, pained that he had even mentioned Jacob after all that he'd had to endure. "I thought you'd want to go get hitched immediately, too."

"I do. But I also know that you will hurt that much more if you have to deal with those kinds of repercussions. I know how he'll feel about finding out this way—because I know how _I'd_ feel if that's how I found out—and you're pain is so tied to his. Even now. I don't want you to suffer that way. As much as I want you—_now_—I'm not going to be callous towards his feelings. It wouldn't be fair."

I crumpled into his chest, new tears threatening to come again. I felt terrible for all the lies. I felt like a criminal for all I still needed to do to Jacob, crushing his hope like it was nothing. I was so wrong to have ever let him have that kind of hope in the first place. I even felt bad for feeling bad, reacting to Jacob's pain in front of my Edward.

He was right, of course. It would be the worst way to tell Jake that I had chosen Edward, though there really had never been a choice to make. He wouldn't see it that way. He'd see a last minute decision that resulted in a quick marriage. My choice was made for me a long time ago, though, and was completely out of my hands. There had to be a broken heart—a _good_ heart—one way or another. And I _had_ to break it. Now it was up to me to do it the best way I could. I owed him that much after all I'd put him through, and all I was _about to_ put him through.

"You're right." I looked up at him, expecting him to be once again crushed by my connection with Jacob, but he was smiling down at me instead.

"Of course I'm right," he said smugly, kissing my forehead. "But don't expect me to wait too long. I'm not _that_ patient. Or benevolent. Now that I officially have you, don't expect me to ever let you go."

"Oh, don't worry about that. You've always _officially_ had me. I want to marry you more than anything. And soon! I can't wait anymore to make this permanent." He eyed me suspiciously.

"What's changed?" I could hear the hesitation in his voice as he referred to the months ago when I had been so reluctant to jump into marriage with him. Now, I couldn't get to the alter fast enough. It wasn't that I was trying to hold on to him, or prove to him. It was something else entirely.

"Edward, I almost _lost_ you. I know you were trying to take yourself out of the equation for me. I know that, and it made me realize that _this_"—I held up my hand for him to see the sparkling stone resting on it—"is what I _want_. It's what I _need,_ above anything else. There is no one else, and there never will be. I _want_ to marry you."

"Hmm. Well, I guess I'm glad that's your answer and not that you are so close to being nineteen." He smiled and kissed my temple. I swatted him playfully.

"No, though that also has merit," I teased. "But imagining my life with you forever. That's the important part. I want that to start as soon as possible. I want to belong to you in every way."

"Hmm. Me too," he murmured suggestively in my hair.

"So…now what?" I sighed, knowing that he was not going to be taking me to Vegas.

"Well," he said, smiling down at me, "you need to get some rest. Tomorrow we're going to have a busy day." He brushed a piece of hair off my forehead. "Do you want me to be there with you when you talk to him."

I sighed again. "No, Edward. I'd like my fiancé to _survive_ for the wedding." He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Sure, Bella." He didn't seem to think that Jacob would pose a very big threat.

"Besides, I need to do this on my own. I should have done it months ago, and now I'll need to deal with it. It's not going to be pleasant though."

"No." He furrowed his brow and frowned. "I wish I could take that from you."

I reached up to stroke his cheek.

"Thank you, not just for that, but for loving me so much, for putting up with me. For wanting to keep me. Mostly, for forgiving me for all the things that you suffered through because of my idiotic decisions."

"I love you. You are _everything_ to me. I could go on and on that you've done the same thing for me—forgiven me—but I know you won't see it that way. I'll simply say that there is no other choice for me. You are all I want, regardless of anything." He lifted me into his arms and kissed me as he carried me back to the bed, placing me gently on top as he pulled back the sheet and blanket. I snuggled under the covers and let me head sink into the downy pillows. He laid down next to me, sliding between the comforter and the sheet. The cotton sheet clung to me, and I could feel the coolness of his body through it. I sighed at the feelings that I thought I'd lost.

"Are you staying?" I brushed the deep bruises under his eyes with my fingertips, afraid that he would have to go again.

"Do you think I could possibly leave you tonight? You're going to be my _wife_." I smiled tiredly up at him. "I love you, Bella. You are my _everything_."

"I love you, too," I murmured tiredly, snuggling further into him. "Thank you."

The room was starting to become hazy again. Until this moment, I hadn't realized just how tired I actually was. He stroked my arm gently, leaving a cool trail of goose bumps. When he started to hum, I gave in, knowing that it would only take seconds for me to fall asleep, and I slipped securely into my very happy dream.

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**Chapter Notes:** There you go. For all of you who were worried, I'm happy to be able to rest easy now. This next chapter is the final one, and then there will be an epilogue, but we are almost done *sniffle* Chapter 18 is all about explanations and apologies. I wonder if everyone will accept them...hmmm.... I can't wait to hear what you think, so PLEASE review!

For all of you who wanted Bella to suffer by having Edward reject her, **I'm sorry**, but I couldn't let that happen. First of all, I don't believe it would be in his character to do so. He is not vindictive, and all he wants is Bella. He was willing to accept her for whatever he could. Plus, having Bella suffer would just make him suffer all the more, and I can't do that to him anymore.

As far as this next update goes, I am not making any promises as far as a date. I'd like to get you a few more outtakes before this next chapter is out, and since chapter 18 is SO detailed and important, I don't want to rush it. All of you authors that manage to update regularly and quickly, I applaud you. I wish I worked that way. Anyway, I will definitely get it to you as soon as I can, and it will likely be on a weekend, but I don't think it will be next weekend. I'll see what I can do…

Anyway, for all of you still with me—and for all of you that believed in their HEA—I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I promise that chapter 18 will be for you! Thanks!


	18. Chapter 18: Letting Go

**A/N, PLEASE READ ME =):** Well, this is it. The last official chapter before the epilogue. To all of you who have read and supported me, I want to say thank you. I've made some amazing friends throughout this process, and it has really inspired me in ways that I can't even begin to explain. This chapter is for all of you who believed.

I've got a lot of things that I've been working on with the ending of BLP. My next story is entitled _**Entwined**_, and I am really excited about that. If you saw the last update of mine, you would have seen the teaser this past week. If not, I encourage you to check out my profile. It's now there. I am SOOOO excited to start it. It is my next baby.

Also, I've entered the Perv Pack's "An Officer and a Gentleman" contest with a yummy little Copward one-shot entitled **In the Name of the Law.** VERY hot and lemony. You can see it here: http://www (DOT) fanfiction (DOT) net/s/5635932/1/In_the_Name_of_the_Law

If you are inclined to vote for me, I'd truly appreciate it. I need all the help I can get. Voting begins **January 17**. You can do that at the contest profile: http://www (DOT) fanfiction (DOT) net/u/2165797/

Anyway, thank you for your support and love. This chapter is a doozie, but I sincerely hope it is worth the length. Enjoy, and you know, tell me what you think. This chapter is MATURE!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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XVIII. Letting Go

I woke, the sunlight streaming through the wall of glass. I'd slept very soundly, very comfortably. I was instantly aware how warm I was, the yellow rays on my face and chest and arms, and it made me worry, because that meant that he was not with me. I sat up quickly, trying to remember all the details of the previous night. A sudden panic spread through me.

But it was short-lived. That moment, he popped his head in the door and smiled brilliantly.

"Morning, love." He came over and sat on the bed. I stretched lazily, returning his smile.

"Hi." I sat up and leaned up to kiss him. He returned it very tenderly, our lips moving slowly together until he was lying next to me. "I was beginning to worry that last night was a dream."

"Nope. Not a dream. Well, it _was_, but not the kind you wake up from." He lowered his eyes suddenly. "Are you still sure of your decision?"

I reached over and tilted his head up so that our eyes met again. "Absolutely. There's _no_ doubt in my mind. There never _was_."

His eyes lit up again, and my heart beat fast and hard. Everything had been so foggy from my drowsiness last night, but now, once again it rang through crystal clear.

"Are you hungry? Esme's made you breakfast." I was filled with a sudden warmth. Downstairs, my _family_ waited for me, ready to share my joy. In front of me sat the creature I would spend the rest of eternity with. This was how it was supposed to be. This was where I belonged. And now he _knew _that.

"They all know?"

Edward chuckled. "Bella, they all knew before I did. Alice has a _really_ big mouth."

"And?" I looked at him expectantly. He smiled so brilliantly I wondered if it would blind me.

"They're _ecstatic_. Esme especially. You know, I think they love you almost as much as I do. _Almost_," he said, a pleased smile curving over his lips.

I smiled happily. I leaned over to kiss him again.

"So they want to keep me, too?" I murmured against his lips.

"Mmhmm. Yes, though I'd like to brace you for the assault you're about to get from Alice. She's got all her plans laid out in the living room."

I cast him a confused look. He didn't even wait for me to respond.

"The second you decided that we weren't going to Vegas, she went into overdrive." I pouted angrily, and he laughed, rubbing my hand. "It also doesn't hurt that she was sort of planning on this happening, so the majority of it's already done."

"Insert bride and groom here?" I responded tartly.

"Yes, something like that." He watched me for a minute. I still had not softened, and he took my face between his hands, making small swirls on my cheek with his thumbs before speaking softly. "This is because they're excited." He watched me expectantly. I nodded and sighed.

"Okay, fine. I'll face the demon." I stretched once more and pulled back the covers, hopping on to the floor. He stood up, and I wound my arms around his waist as he leaned down to kiss me softly again.

"I'll wait downstairs while you get dressed."

"Oh, no you don't! I'm not walking into that unprotected. You can wait outside the door for me. Or," I added, giving him my sexiest smile, "you could wait with me while I get dressed. Or _not_ get dressed."

He chuckled and unwound himself, kissing me on top of the head.

"I'll wait for you outside."

I pouted as he walked away, closing the door quietly behind him.

* * *

The rest of the morning consisted of Alice planning every detail of our whirlwind wedding, and by eleven o'clock, it seemed as if most of it was squared away. She'd already bought the dress, gotten decorations, and picked out invitations, which she'd conveniently arrange to be printed as soon as she gave the word, which she'd promptly done before I was even downstairs. The date was set for the coming weekend. I was annoyed only slightly by her; for the most part I was just glad that I didn't have to deal with it.

"Oh, and I already arranged for tickets for your mom and Phil. They'll be here on Thursday." Her sweet soprano tone gave no hint that she'd done anything wrong.

"You _what_?! I haven't even told them yet!" Edward put a hand on my shoulder. Alice rolled her eyes.

"Calm down, Bella. I haven't told them _why _you want to see them, only that you have some _really_ great news for them. You're mom was super excited to see you, and it just so happens that they had the time available. Funny how those things work out, huh?" She said, shooting me a sneaky smile. I was still reeling from the shock. My insides suddenly clinched up tightly. As supportive as my mom had been at my moving in with Edward, I doubted she would be as enthusiastic about my marrying him. At least she wouldn't have much time to prepare for the news before the wedding. It amazed me that we were doing this so quickly. I was ecstatic—as I should have been all along, I realized—but it was fast. I chose to ignore the feelings of dread about my mother's arrival.

I sighed and rose. Edward rose with me.

"Alright. Thanks Alice."

Slowly, I made my way up the stairs again. I'd slept all night quite well, encircled in the arms of the man that I loved. Somehow, though, being assaulted by Alice made me substantially tired again. Edward followed behind me silently. When I reached the bedroom I strode immediate to the bed and flopped down on it, staring at the ceiling and letting my legs dangle above the floor. Edward came and laid down next to me, propping up on his elbow to watch me. I could feel his eye on me, carefully monitoring my disposition. I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands and groaned. Alice's planning was the least of my worries for the day.

"I could still come with you, you know."

I sighed and stopped my aggressive ministrations on my eye sockets, peering up at him. He was watching me intently still. He knew what I was going to have to do, and while he wanted it, because that would mean that I was putting him first, he also knew how difficult it would be for me. He had been willing to put everything on the line for me and my happiness, and that included walking into the belly of the beast to help with Jacob. He'd even be willing to break the treaty and cross the line if it meant protecting me from him. How was it that I still deserved him? _Oh, that's right_. I _didn't_. I leaned up to kiss him tenderly.

"No," I whispered."You can't. You know that. Don't get me wrong, I want you _wherever_ I am, but I have to do this. _I_ made this mess, and _I_ have to deal with it."

He furrowed his brow and looked away for a moment before he turned his gloriously beautiful eyes on me and they bore into me.

"It doesn't have to _be_ like that anymore. That's the whole point, Bella. It's not a 'you' or a 'me' thing. It's an '_us._'"

I gently reached up to cup his cheek. His skin felt cool to the touch—not like when we had first begun touching, but rather like when you picked up something familiar that you needed to reacquaint with your own warmth—smooth and perfect. I let my thumb rub gently over his jaw and his cheekbone and under his eyes. He tilted his head into my hand and closed his eyes. I smiled at the intimacy of the contact, now that it meant for both of it what it was supposed to.

"I _know_ that," I whispered to him. His eyes opened to mine. "There will only be an '_us_' ever again. Today, that will be '_us_' out there, telling Jake. It's just going to have to come from _me_."

He contemplated what I was saying for a moment and then sighed deeply. I knew that he had accepted this arrangement. He nodded slowly.

"Please, _please_, be careful, Bella. He's still a shifter, and this may put him over the edge." He couldn't hide the worry in his eyes, and I leaned up to give his lips a quick peck.

"Tell you what, why don't you follow me to the treaty line. That way, you'll be close, and I can call you if I need you," I offered. He thought about it for a moment before smiling and shaking his head.

"No Bella," he said. "I trust you. But you _will _call me afterwards."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, I was driving the Guardian, on my way to La Push. I'd promised Edward, Alice, _and _Esme that I would call them the moment I was back in the car and headed home. Why they needed me to call each of them, I didn't understand. They would be _together_.

With each dashed yellow line that I passed in the road, I got more and more worried about this. How would I be able to look at him, my _friend_, and tell him that I had lied to him, that I didn't _actually _want to be with him? _Oops, just kidding?_ I tried to reason through what I was going to say to him, how I was going to explain, but all I could think of was how hurt he'd be, and possibly how angry. I knew that I might never have the chance to tell him what he _did_ mean to me after all was said and done. He might never speak to me again.

I travelled through town, passing by all the shops and homes that I'd come to know so well. Soon, I'd leave all of this behind me. I didn't know how long it would be before I could go out and go to the store, or visit the library, or stop in at the police station to visit my father. My stomached twisted uncomfortably at that thought, knowing that as a newborn I'd have to avoid him.

My tears spilled over and down my cheeks as I drove, knowing now how much I'd royally screwed things up. I'd done as much to my father as I had to Jacob. I'd lied to him, lead him to believe something that wasn't true, and then left him. If today was the day of setting things right, then Jacob was not the only one who deserved the truth. I loved Charlie more than any daughter has loved their father and he didn't deserve the lies. Soon, I'd be leaving him, and he needed to know how badly that would hurt me, and how much he meant to me.

I turned down the street on the way to the police station, where I was sure he'd be. There in the stall labeled "Chief" was my father's cruiser. The lot was mostly empty. I pulled in next to him, and gripped the steering wheel tightly before willing my feet to move and my hands to cooperate.

Karen, the dispatcher, was sitting at her desk chatting nonchalantly to someone on the other end of the telephone. _Only in Forks_, I thought to myself. When she saw me, her face lit up and she waved me back to the rear of the station. I slowly moved past the desks that were there, the ones that belonged to the other officers who were either off or at lunch. I looked at the clock on the wall. _12:03_.

My father was sitting at his desk, riffling through a stack of paper work. The sight of him was like a wave of relief washing over me. I paused for a moment, watching him. He looked different to me, older. It hadn't been so long since I was living in his house, but it somehow felt like ages ago. So much had happened—I'd changed so much. It seemed, so did he. I must have caught his eye, because he looked up. Several emotions swept over his face: surprise, eagerness, anger, sadness, worry. He settled with being surprised and somewhat happy to see me. I was thankful, because that was exactly what I was feeling too.

"Bells? Is that you?"

"Hi, Dad," I said weakly, as I froze in my tracks. I was suddenly very nervous about seeing him. I spun the ring that I was wearing on a very telling finger around so that the diamonds nestled in the crease of my palm. He rose and came over to me, closing the distance between us. For a moment, I think we both almost forget how we'd left things. We remembered when he was next to me.

"What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" He asked. I nodded, and he furrowed his brow. "Is…is Edward with you?"

"Ah, nope. Just me today." I tried to keep my voice light. I expected that to make him happy, that I was alone, and while I didn't have the urge to suddenly burst out and tell him that Edward was my fiancée, I didn't want to give him the false impression that something was wrong between us. I guessed that's what he was really asking.

"Are you okay?" He still seemed a little confused.

"I will be. I actually wanted to talk to you. Do you want to get lunch?" He smiled a little and looked around the empty room, removing his "Forks Police Dept." cap and scratching his head.

"Ah, sure. We can go to the diner if you want. I'll drive." I nodded and he ushered me towards the front again. Karen was still chatting away and threw her hand up in dismissal as we neared. Charlie grunted and shook his head with annoyance.

The drive there was quiet. Neither of us spoke for the entire seven blocks, and we still hadn't broached the subject of my unexpected visit by the time we'd been seated, ordered, and gotten our food. I sat, unable to eat as he munched on French fries. How did you tell your father that you were a royal screw-up? I couldn't start that conversation. Fortunately for me, Charlie could.

"So… You said you wanted to talk to me, huh? Everything okay with…well, at the Cullens?"

I swallowed the bile that had risen in my throat at the conversation we were about to have and nodded reassuringly. Again, he wasn't asking about _all_ of the Cullens.

"Yeah. They've been wonderful." I smiled at him, trying to keep up my façade, but then sighed. I couldn't keep it up, bottling up everything. I'd procrastinated enough over the months before, and now was the time to come clean. We would never move past it if I kept dodging it. I looked up to find him watching me intently.

"Dad?" I started. His eyebrows rose in response, and I willed myself to keep going. "I needed to tell you how sorry I was. For everything I've said to you—for leaving you the way I did. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've done that a lot—to everyone—lately, and I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me."

My apology spilled out of me, and I hoped it would be well received. I wanted him to know just how terrible I felt for the separation between us. We weren't overly affectionate, but I wanted him to know that I loved him. He sighed loudly.

"Bella, you are my daughter…" He started, but I caught the tentative tone of his voice, and I interrupted him, staring down at the untouched food in front of me.

"I _know_, which is something that I don't really deserve, because you're a pretty wonderful dad, and I've been a pretty big brat these last few months. And I'm sorry."

He didn't say anything to that, and after a while of uncomfortable silence, I looked up again. I expected to find his anger at me radiating off him, or disappointment in me, but there was none. I was surprised to see him watching me closely, his eyes carefully narrowed, but it wasn't out of anger or displeasure. He looked reflective. And hopeful.

"Are you happy, Bells?"

The question took me so off guard that I thought perhaps I hadn't heard him correctly. I shook my head and furrowed my brow.

"What?"

"I said, 'are you happy?'" he replied calmly.

I was a little confused, but he waited patiently for me to answer. Finally, I nodded and answered him with all the sincerity that I could muster.

"I _am_. I mean, I _will be_, when today is over."

He regarded my admission for a moment before he nodded, "hmm"ed, and then returned to his burgers and fries.

"Okay, then," he said munching on his lunch.

I was very confused. I'd expected so much heartache with my father, but that had been… _easy_. He'd accepted my happiness as an acceptable reasoning for all the hurt I'd caused. I didn't understand the catch.

"That's it?" I asked. He looked up again at me and sighed.

"Bella, let me tell you something. I never got a chance to be a big part of your life, when you were living with your mom. And when you came here, I swore to myself that I'd fix that, that I'd do right by you. I swore that I'd be there for you if you needed me…and you don't really need me anymore. And I'm okay with that, 'cause that's the way it's supposed to be. It hurt me that you left, not because you shouldn't have gone, but because you didn't need me anymore. If you're happy, Bells, then I don't have anything to regret."

I'd never seen Charlie make such a long speech, and I didn't miss the way he brushed his face with the back of his hand at the end. I didn't even try to stop the tears that were streaming down my face. He reached over and brushed them away, smiling sadly at me. I smiled back at him.

I felt a slight weight lift from my shoulders. Though I had other things to do that would likely be very painful, the fact that I had my father's forgiveness healed me just a bit. We sat eating for a few minutes in comfortable silence. That is until I realized that our conversation wasn't truly over.

There was no way that I could be fully absolved until my father knew the whole truth, the truth about my future with Edward. Well, at least as much as I could tell him, anyway. I closed my eyes and willed myself to tell him.

"There's something else I need to tell you."

He looked up from his food, and eyed me suspiciously.

"Oh…kay?"

I exhaled the breath that I was holding so I could speak.

"Edward asked me to marry him, Dad." It came out in one breath, and sounded like one long word.

He snorted and raised his eyebrows at me as he lifted his mug up to his lips, shaking his head ever so slightly.

"I know," he said into his coffee. My eyes immediately shot to meet his, floored. My mind went on a whirlwind. Had he found out from Jacob, before this whole thing? Did he see the ring? I thought I'd been so careful to hide it.

"What?"

"I know, Bella," he repeated. "Edward came to see me this morning."

"Oh." I sat there dumbly for what seemed like days. Edward had gone to see him? I couldn't believe that not only had Edward put himself on the line for me like that and taken that pressure off of me, but that my father was seemingly open to the idea. It felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe. Shouldn't he have turned beet red and blew up at me? Or maybe laughed at me for the joke he thought we'd been playing on him. I couldn't imagine a world where my father would be okay with the situation. I hesitated to ask, but it had to be done. "So, you are okay with this then?"

"I'm not going to do backflips over it or anything, Bells. I think you're awful young. But I can tell that he really and truly loves you, and I'm aware you do too. And if it's what you want, I don't think it will do much good to try and stop you. We've all seen how _that_ tends to work out." He continued eating as I sat there incredulously.

"Did you try to shoot him?" I finally said, after a few minutes.

He looked up at me with a wry look on his face.

"Please, Bella. If I tried to shoot him, I would have succeeded."

"Don't think so," I whispered just low enough that he didn't hear me.

"But let me tell you," he said, pointing his fork at me. "If he hurts you, I'll be first in line."

This was our truce. This was him, telling me that I was an adult and not a little girl anymore. He was telling me that I needed to make my own decisions, but that he'd always be there if I needed him. It just wasn't in so many words. I felt the tears stream down my face again.

"Thanks, dad," I managed to choke out.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, smiling and waving his hand in the air. "You just promise me that I'll be second man in your life, okay?"

"Of course. I love you."

"Me too, Bells. Me too."

* * *

We drove back to the station in silence again. Both of us had said our piece, and we were both comfortable with that. Neither one of us needed dramatic displays. Charlie and I were easy like that.

We got out of the cruiser and he walked me over to the car. I unlocked it and threw my bag in. He leaned against the doorframe as I stood, ready to get in.

"So what are you two up to the rest of the day?"

I sighed at his small talk, knowing that the next thing I had to do would not be nearly as pleasant.

"Actually, I have one other errand to run. Alone."

He nodded his head knowingly.

"Hey, Bella? Go easy on him, huh? He's just a kid—a kid that really does love you. He's been a good friend to you. Just…just remember that."

"I know, Dad. I'll try." I walked around the door and threw my arms around his waist. He smelled so good, so familiar, of leather and musk and the woods. I breathed him in. "Thanks. For everything."

He didn't respond, simply wrapped his arms tighter around me and squeezed. After a few moments, we released each other and slowly backed away from each other. I climbed in the Guardian and buckled up, conscious of the police officer persona he'd slipped back into, and gave him a quick wave as I backed carefully out of the parking space and maneuvered onto the road to the reservation. I caught his image in my rearview mirror as he stood there with his hand raised, saying goodbye to the little girl that I had been yesterday. For a moment, I thought I saw him wipe his eyes, but I couldn't be sure. I turned my attention back to the task at hand, and all the things that I had yet to do. Which could, quite possibly, break us all.

* * *

I'd like to say that I drove right to the reservation, but I'd be lying. Just outside the town, I pulled over to the side and sobbed. I cried for the way I had almost ruined things between Edward and I and for the fact that my father had somehow found it in him to forgive me. I cried for the fact that Edward had enough courage to go to my father and tell him that we were getting married. I cried for all the time I'd lost being with him. Mostly, I cried for Jacob, who I knew would not get his happy ending today. I just hoped he got it someday.

By the time I'd finally pulled into the gravel drive that connected the road to the Blacks' place, it was much later than I'd anticipated. The afternoon sun was shining brightly in the western part of the sky, and I took a moment to reflect on how beautiful it was. Today was a new day, one that I was sure I would want to forget by the end of it.

I pulled out my cell phone and sent a quick text to Edward to tell them that I'd just made it and that I saw my dad. I thanked him. It was so little in comparison to what I owed him. Within seconds of my sending it, I received one in reply.

**UR welcome. Don't B afraid. Remember how much I LUV U.**

I smiled at the shortened text. My hundred-year-old fiancée was using ridiculous internet slang. The words that he had texted gave me strength. I knew that I was not doing this for me. I was not about to tell the truth for Jacob. I was not even doing this for just Edward, though he was the very reason for my existence. I was doing this for_ us_. I summoned the courage needed because of that word, and the knowledge that he was at home waiting for me so that we could start our life together. But first, I needed to do this.

I slowly climbed out of the car. The day had been all about forcing myself into things, and this was no different. I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing in the air coming off the coast. It smelled different here, as if the spirits that inhabited the land made it so. The magic that surrounded this place was no more or no less powerful than the magic that I would be part of soon—that I _was_ part of—but it had its own feel, it was its own entity. It carried me to him.

Jacob was behind their small house, cutting wood. He looked as if he'd been doing it for a long time. His bare chest was wet with perspiration, and I could hear his raged breathing even from my distance away. With each swing of the axe that he wielded, he grunted from the exertion. I stood there for a while watching him. He really was beautiful, the way that his body worked, all of the parts, together. He was the epitome of da Vinci's Vitruvian man. I could appreciate the hard lines of his muscles, the ones that had come because of the careful determination on his face, that mixed with his soft, handsome features. I could appreciate it all, but I didn't _want_ it. It's wasn't mine, and I didn't want it to be.

He stopped what he was doing when he saw me standing there. For a moment, his face beamed with a joyful smile before it fell. I don't know if it was because I was there, staring at him with a look of sadness on my face, or because he remembered the events of the night before—or probably, more likely, both—but we stayed that way for a long time, simply staring at each other with looks of apprehension.

I watched him, seeing him looking at me with all the confusion and doubt I'd seen in his eyes the night before, knowing that I would only do more to hurt him. I saw the boy that had been my friend and my confidant, the one who had protected and kept me safe and warm when the world as I knew it was falling around me. I saw the one who had fully believed that I was what was destined for him.

"Bella," he finally whispered, breaking me out of my catatonic state. I smiled sadly as he closed the distance between us. Whatever I'd said to him last night did not stop him from gripping my shoulders firmly and pulling me to him. I let him, knowing that he might never do it again after today. I relished the warmth that spread through me where he touched me, and the comforting way that he held me. It reminded me of easier times. This was not one of them. I looked up at him when he pulled away, unshed tears already forming in my eyes.

"Hey," he murmured gently. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, willing myself to stay strong. All this time, I had not been strong. I had been so weak, making all the wrong choices. But not then. That was when I needed to be strong. For Edward and for me. For our future, and the life and love I knew I wanted. Jacob's brow furrowed as he watched me try to reign in everything boiling inside of me.

"I had to see you, Jake. There are…things…that I needed you to know." He took another moment to absorb my mood, and his shifted with mine. He must have known that I wasn't playing games with him. He nodded solemnly and motioned us towards the house, but I stopped him. I was not here for niceties or big productions. I needed to tell him, and I needed to make it swift. I didn't want to stand in his home and sit at his table. I didn't want him to offer me a soda, or try to make small talk. It was _now_.

"No," I said to him, grabbing his arm. "Here. Now"

He watched me with confusion and I released his arm. I sighed and closed my eyes as the words I needed to speak came to me. I had not been able to find the things to say to him before, but standing here with him, I knew that I couldn't put off what I had for so many weeks.

"Jacob," I whispered, letting everything work up from the pit of my stomach. "I've lied to you."

He was still for a moment, his brow still furrowed in confusion as he took in the way that I was acting and the way that I was speaking to him.

"Bella, I don't…I don't understand." He sounded like a little boy. I felt my heart leap in my chest painfully. It hurt me, but it was nothing compared to the way I would feel all the time without Edward. That knowledge kept me pushing forward.

"I've…I've made a _lot_ of mistakes lately," I started slowly. My voice shook as I spoke to him, as I tried to show him through my words that I regretted everything. "And I _thought _I was doing it for the right reasons. I thought if I helped you, that it would help _me_…but it hasn't. We've all just been hurting. I can't keep _doing_ this anymore. I've tried to make it all okay, but I _can't_ anymore. I can't keep denying myself what I really need."

He shook his head, clearly not understanding what I was saying. He was staring at me like I had three heads. I cleared my throat of the lump that was lodged there.

"Bella, you're not making sense."

"Jacob, I've wanted you to _imprint_. This whole summer, that's all I've wanted." I began, pleading with him desperately, willing him to understand. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked away. Before I could keep going, he had saddled up to me. He took my cheeks in his hands and tilted my face up to his and held me tightly there. His thumbs rubbed over the apples of my cheeks feverishly as he pulled me close.

"Bella, I know. I want that too! So much, but I can't control it. I'm so _sorry_." He continued to rub my cheeks in steady circles, and I was confused. I watched him, unsure of what was transpiring between us. He knew? I looked down, trying to process it, but he pulled me back up to meet his eyes, searching them frantically with his own. Our faces were inches apart and I could feel the heat of his breath washing over me in waves. "But it doesn't matter, okay? I don't need to imprint on you to love you the way that you deserve to be loved—with all my heart. I promise I'll always love you!"

I broke away from him and staggered. Wait…_what?_ What was he saying to me? How had this turned into what I had heard from him. I stepped away from him as the tears leaked down my cheeks, melting away the warmth that his hands had caused.

"Jake," I croaked out. He stepped into me again, pulling me to him.

"I promise, Bella," he continued urgently. "Forever, I promise. I know the whole imprinting thing feels like a big deal and it would have made things a whole lot easier, but I don't _need _it to happen for us to be together. I'm _not_ going to leave you. No matter what."

I could barely see straight. My head was spinning as he spoke those words to me. They were heartfelt and meaningful, and if it was just him and me in this world, I would have swooned at how sincere and loving he was being. But we weren't. And they didn't have any kind of effect on me, except to make me even more regretful of what I had done to him. I pushed away from him forcefully. He paused, watching me with fearful eyes.

"No! Enough! Please. Jake, it's _him_. I love _Edward_."

He watched me a moment before nodding.

"Listen, I _know _that. But it doesn't matter, okay? I can accept that, we just need to…"

"No," I whispered, interrupting him. He stopped talking and his face fell as I stood with my arms clutched around myself again. "It's _him_. _I want. To be. With him._ I've _always_ wanted to be with him."

He stepped back away from me as his face fell further, and I groaned at the knowledge that soon all of this would sink in for him, and would hurt us both. He deserved the truth, finally.

"This?" I said, motioning between us, "I wanted you to imprint, Jake…on someone _else_. He's been the only one. He'll _always_ be the _only one_. I'm so, _so_ sorry, Jacob."

He staggered as his body gave out a little, and I watched as he zoned out off into the distance, his gaze on the trees. He managed to find his way over to a pile of cut logs, and sat down on them slowly. He huffed in stunned epiphany as the breath left him. I stood there as the tears continued to stream down my face silently. I felt nauseous, watching him. All the life—the happiness—was gone out of him. A breeze blew past us, and I shivered. His eyes slowly rose to meet mine, and I saw how ashen he looked, so sickly and worn.

"So this whole time…?"

I nodded, gasping for the air I didn't deserve.

"I feel…like such a fool," he said slowly, shaking his head.

"No, Jake! Please don't. _I_ did this! It was _me_!" I rushed to his side. I was thankful that he didn't flinch away. I had expected it.

He sat there for a while, lost in his own thoughts. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be there for him if he wanted me to be, but if it was me in his position, I wouldn't have. I would have wanted to distance myself as far as possible from the person who had wrecked me so drastically. After a while, he spoke softly, though his voice took on a harder edge.

"Why you? Of all the girls, in all the time he's lived, why did it have to be _you_?"

I didn't really know if that was a question he expected me to answer or not, so I sat silently beside him until he looked at me expectantly. There was no hope in his eyes, only desolation and pain. I let out a shaky breath.

"We never had a choice," I whispered. "Just like you won't, when you find "her."

He jumped up off of the wood pile, and stood in front of me seething.

"You _are _'her!'"

"No, Jake," I pleaded. "I'm _not_. Not for you. I'm sorry."

He clenched his fists at his sides. I could see him shaking with all the emotions that were boiling and fighting inside of him. I rose, knowing that he could phase at any moment. There were so many things that I wanted to tell him, but I didn't deserve the chance. I wanted to plead with him for his forgiveness, but I knew he shouldn't give it to me, especially not today. I wanted to tell him it had been all for him, but I knew he wouldn't believe me. I wanted to tell him how much he truly meant to me, but it was not my place to say that to him in the same breath that I had crushed him with. All these things would have to come later, sometime when he had been given the time to heal. I turned to leave.

Before I could get far, I heard him behind me.

"Bella!" he screamed. I continued to walk. I could never fear him, because I knew what kind of soul he possessed, but this was the danger that Edward was wary of. I felt his fast footfalls on the ground before I heard him, and he turned me around quickly, so fast that I nearly fell. His eyes were wild with the hurt and the anger that I'd caused.

"This is really what you want?!" he seethed, gripping my arm tightly. I nodded, trying to free my arm. For a moment, he looked regretful and panicked, and released my arm quickly. He stepped back.

"Fine," he said, still wheeling a little, though the anger had subsided marginally to allow the pain to seep back in and mix. "If Edward is what you want, I guess I can't change your mind. Believe me, I've tried. Nothing I do is going to be good enough, obviously."

"I'm sorry," I said again, knowing that it would never be enough. He ignored it.

"If you'd _die_ for _him_, if you'd willingly throw _everything _and _everyone_ away that loves you for _him_? Fine! Do it! If you think he's worth it…fine."

I was supposed to be suffering, and I knew that. I had it coming, but something in the way he was speaking to me made me bristle. The way he spoke of Edward, like he was scum under his shoes, made me grit my teeth in defiance. Edward had been willing to give up _everything_ for our happiness, if that was what I wanted. He was willing to walk away, and yet he spoke of him like he was less than Jacob. He'd been hurt, but I would not let Edward take a backseat any longer. That time was past.

"He _is_," I said, more sure of that fact than anything else. Jake narrowed his eyes at me and I could tell he was only getting angrier.

"Fine!" he shouted at me. "But don't expect me to stand around and watch you sacrifice yourself for that _monster_!"

A part of me, the rational part, knew that he was only saying these things because he was badly hurt, and because he wanted to protect me, despite what I'd done. But the side that came out at his remark was the one that would do anything to make up for the pain I'd cause my fiancée, the part that wanted him more than anything else, to the point of stupidity. I clenched my fists and moved forward towards him.

"If Edward is a monster," I spat, "then so am I. A hundred times more so."

"I won't wait around for your heart to stop beating, Bella. Don't expect me to clean up the mess that he makes of you. If this is truly the choice that you're gonna make, don't ask me to watch. Him or me. Not both. Him or me!"

"_Him!_" I shouted. The word echoed around us, clapping against the open air like a thunderbolt. It reverberated through the trees and I shivered. Jacob stilled. The anger in his eyes vanished as it made way for the agony that I had caused. He slumped and watched me for a moment. Something familiar flashed in his eyes. It took me a second to recognize what it was, but I knew soon enough. I'd seen it before, in both him and Edward. I'd watched it flash in his eyes briefly, as we were standing on the cliff before I had asked him to kiss me. In Edward, I had seen it when I'd rushed to save him from the mid-day sunlight in the middle of Volterra, right before he stepped out into the sun, and again only yesterday morning, before he'd left for his trip. The memory of these made me wince. I saw the look for what it was.

Jacob Black was saying goodbye.

He slowly backed away before turning and walking purposefully towards the tree line. I watched as his form got smaller and smaller. He was gone, and I knew that. I only hoped that he would be back. He picked up pace the further away from me he got, before I saw a magical burst at the edge of the woods. He would not come back if called.

I turned and walked slowly to the car. I felt like my insides were caving in, like I was empty. I felt so much regret for all the pain I'd cause, and for all the mistakes I'd made. I felt it for Jacob, who had lost everything in all of this, when all I'd wanted was for him to be happy.

But if I was being honest, I wasn't as bad as I _could have_ been. Nothing was worth risking Edward again, even if it meant that I'd lost Jake. I felt selfish for it, like the monster that he's accused Edward of being.

I pulled out of the drive, knowing that I should have called someone. I should have left a note for Billy, telling him what a terrible person I was, but all I wanted was to get home to Edward, to the one person who could make me whole again. I drove for a while before I broke down in sobs on the side of the road. Through my tears, I managed to text Edward, Alice, _and_ Esme. I got a single text back from Edward:

**I'll B here when U R ready to come home**

I stayed there in the car, letting the light from the day fade into the blackness. I was resolved to cry it all out on the side of the road, where I knew I was alone. Edward would not see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. I had made the mistakes, I had tried to fix them, and now they were behind us. All we could do was move on, and I even knew how terrible I sounded, considering the fact that I had what was most important to me. And he was waiting for me at home. _Our home_.

Sure that I was done crying, I pulled off the shoulder and headed _home_.

* * *

I came home to an empty house, save for Edward. He was waiting for me in the entryway when I walked through the door. I practically fell into him. He was quick to sweep me up into his arms, providing me both physical and emotional support for my trying day. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face against him, breathing him in deeply. He could not soothe the ache that I felt completely, but just being in his presence for a few moments I felt the hole in my chest filling. There was no doubt in my mind that he was the thing that I needed to make me complete.

When we reached the bedroom, he put me lightly down, and got some silky, button-up pajamas out of the drawer and laid them on the bed for me. I watched him as he cast me a soft smile and walked out of the room so that I could change. I did so quickly and called him back in. He returned, clad in pajamas himself. I smiled at the sight. He picked me up effortlessly again and placed me gently on the bed. Then he climbed in next to me, shifting beneath me so that I could put my head on his chest.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he whispered lovingly to me. I felt his soft, sweet breath on my hair and I melted into him, wrapping my arms around his body. I looked up into his eyes and smiled. He was watching me carefully, but all the wariness from the past months was gone. I hadn't seen him so serene in a long time. I sighed and shook my head. We didn't say anything more.

I snuggled into his body, feeling his chest move with mine, as he mimicked my breathing. Everything I'd fought for was _here_. Everything I needed was with me now. The only thing that mattered was the man—and that's what he truly was, a _man_—beneath me. As I tried to drift off to sleep, finally happy after so long, I realized it was because I was whole. I was complete. I was _home_. And I'd given up _nothing_ that I honestly and truly couldn't live without. _I'd given up nothing_.

But _he _should have.

I did not deserve to be with him. All of the things I'd done came back to me, rushing over me like tidal wave. Every lie, every deception, every time that I could have told him the truth and didn't, and every time that I walked away from him to go be with Jake flooded my memory, a crushing blow to my chest. I felt my heart constrict and I felt like I needed to gasp for air that would never come. I had hurt him in ways that were unimaginable, _unforgivable_. I'd been so stupid, so selfish, never seeing the big picture. He _should_ leave me, because he and I were two different people, one of us innately good, the other soulless and wicked. And the monster was_ not_ the vampire whose strong arms held me.

"Why are you with me?" I sobbed suddenly into him, spilling hot, fast tears over his cool, bare chest. He sat up with me, holding me tightly. I'd nearly been asleep, when the horror of all my actions hit me. Finally. All these things now sat in front of me in neat little rows to see, each and every twist of the knife in Edward's back clearly visible. My agony stuck in my throat, and tremors ran through me. He gripped my shoulders tightly as I violently moaned against him, my body spasming with despair.

"Bella, what are you talking about?" His panicked voice at my sudden shift in mood was alarming to my ears, but I could not find the energy to still myself enough to look at him. He held me firmly as I collapsed against his chest, floundering and wetting his torso with my tears.

"All I've done, all the lies! I see now what I did to you! How I hurt you! I only wanted to make things right but they were all _wrong_," I wailed. "How can I expect you to be with me? Why _are_ you? I'm the vilest person, Edward. You shouldn't be with me. I'm so sorry."

"Bella," he murmured comfortingly but firmly against my hair. "You are _not _vile. I _love_ you! We've all made mistakes, ones that we wish that we could take back. But to tell me that I shouldn't be with you? _That's_ utterly ridiculous."

"How can you say that? I hurt you! You! The man whom I was meant to love!"

"Exactly," he said, nodding his head and urging me to catch up with him. I furrowed my brow, thoroughly confused. He sighed, pulling me close again. "Bella, you were _meant _to love me, and I was meant to love _you_. We've made mistakes, hurting each other in ways that we never should have, but my destiny is to be with you. I waited over a hundred years to find you. I won't let you go. As long as you want me, I'll love you. Hell, even if you _don't_, I'll love you. I can't _help _it."

"But how can you even _want_ to love me?" I sobbed again, my voice croaking like I was suffocating. I very nearly was.

"Bella, shhh," he murmured softly into my hair. "That's enough. Come here. Look at me."

Gently, he pulled me up and away from his chest and up to meet his eyes, positioning us both so that I could really look at him. We sat, side by side, our legs pulled up underneath us. He angled our bodies so that we were facing each other straight on and our knees touched. Eyes to eyes, chest to chest, hands touching each other, less than a foot apart. He slowly—agonizingly—let his eyes wander down as he guided my hands up and put his fingertips up to mine, mirroring them in midair. He watched intently as each of the pads of our fingers met, one by one. Ever so gently, he pushed against me so that his hands slowly melded to mine, fingertips to fingertips, thumbs to thumbs, and palms to palms until our hands were pressed flush against each other's.

"This, Bella. _This?" _He whispered softly. We both watched our hands, mesmerized, as he slowly moved them in gentle, tiny circles. I breathed heavily.

Then he shifted his attention to my eyes again. He intertwined our splayed fingers and brought our hands into my lap. He leaned forward until our faces were only an inch apart. He skimmed my nose with his and my breathing hitched as he leaned in and brought his lips to mine, just barely touching.

"And this," he whispered again, his lips brushing mine. I could taste his sweet breath on my tongue, melting over it. He kept his lips just close enough that they could graze each other, both our mouths open slightly. Slowly he moved his lips back and forth across mine, brushing from side to side. We were not kissing. We were simply touching, feeling each other with the plump roundness of our lips. He went back and forth a few times before he paused in the middle. Softly, deeply, he breathed in and out and lulled me into matching his breaths. There we simply breathed together in tandem, like it was not two of us breathing, but one machine, together. We closed our eyes and inhaled each other's heady scents.

"And _this_," he finally said, as he reached up and put his hand over my heart. I opened my eyes and looked into his. A moment later his pointer and middle finger began tapping the rhythm of my heartbeats on my chest. We stared into each other's eyes and I blinked back tears as the steady thrumming of my lifeforce reverberated through my chest and into his fingertips. His voice was thick with emotion when he spoke.

"I can _never_ walk away from _this_,"he choked. "I can't live without this. I _need _this."

I openly cried. It was not the same kind of crying I'd done only minutes ago, but it was just as emotional. Because it was the truth. We could not walk away from each other. Our bodies craved it, relied upon it for sustenance. We needed each other, not just emotionally, but physically too. There was no me without him—there was no him without me, not anymore. The realizations broke against me like the tide, steady and forceful.

"I _want _you," I whispered shakily. I didn't know if he understood. It sounded cliché to say it that way, and I blushed at my admittance. I knew the impossibility of it to him.

I expected him to deny me outright, or at least question what I meant. I expected him to tell me that he knew, and that he wanted me too, but to reason with me and tell me that we couldn't. I waited for it. I winced. I prepared. I willed my body to still and cool from the heat that was kindling in me, and wait for him to tell me no.

I waited.

And I waited.

And none of it came. He did not deny me with reasons and excuses and rationale. I closed my eyes tightly again, pinching out the last of my tears over my cheeks.

I felt his gentle lips on mine as his hands wound in my hair. My eyes popped open for a moment at the realization that he had not given me excuses this time. Instead, he slowly pulled me up from my sitting position until we were both on our knees. With his hand still cupping my head at the nape of my neck, he furrowed his brow and slid his nose against mine before his lips met mine again. He pressed his body up against me while we kissed slowly, savoring the feelings of being like this with one another. Then, unexpectedly, he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up into his lap.

And there were no words needed. We both just knew that this was the time. He would not beg me to marry him first, because he knew full well that that is what I _wanted _now too, that I _wanted_ with every fiber of my being to be his wife. I knew that he could do it—that he was strong enough, diligent enough—and that he'd finally let go all of his fears and doubts. Because we both just _knew _that this is how it was meant to be. That this was our destiny.

I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and wound my legs around his waist, crawling into his lap further, pressing my body further into his. His kisses turned hungry, tender and loving still, but a need that I'd never felt from him burned beneath his surface. I pressed my body so close to him that I didn't know where his ended and mine began. He moaned into my lips and I inhaled sharply for the way our mouths moved together and the way he pulled and tugged at me, willing me to be nearer, and further into him. I wanted to melt into him.

He lifted me slightly and pushed me back on the bed, gently positioning my head on the pillow and hovering over me. His eyes grazed up and down my body quickly, and I took the moment of our separation and smiled up at him encouragingly. There was no hint of hesitation in his eyes, no doubt that this was right. He didn't wear the familiar look of consternation, and he didn't look afraid of what we were about to do. We looked at each other, searching each other for these signs of doubt, but he would not find any in my eyes just as I could not find a trace of it in his. Everything that had happened between us over the past months washed away at that moment, our desire circling in the air between us.

He leaned down slowly to kiss my lips tenderly. Our mouths melded together, the rhythms of our lips matching the steady anxious thumping of my heart. He smiled against my lips. His arm snaked beneath me and he gently rubbed the small of my back, up under my pajama shirt. I moved over the planes of his back, tickling over the taught muscles there, wishing I could put my lips where my hands roamed freely. I ran my hands up and down his back and shoulders and arms, over and over, as he massaged my back and sides with relaxing, kneading circles. He opened his lips to me and licked my lips as I brought my tongue out to taste him. I hummed with delight as his flavor spread through my mouth and over my teeth. We stayed like that for a long time, simply touching and caressing and exploring.

His lips broke away from mine and moved down to kiss behind my earlobe, and he hummed against my skin as they trailed down my neck to my jugular. He lapped at the spot there with his cool, wet tongue. I closed my eyes and panted heavily and he nuzzled my throat lovingly.

My fingers could not get enough of the strong, hard lines of his back as I tried to claw my way closer to him. I wrapped my legs around his to try and pull him down to me more and failed. He chuckled against my collarbone.

"Slowly Bella," he chided gently. Our eyes met and I saw how dark his were, blackness swirling with honeyed flecks, like gold leaf suspended in India ink. "Mmmm. You make my mouth water, you smell _so_ good. I want to taste _all_ of you," he purred. I stopped breathing for what felt like an eternity because of that, and he smiled against my skin.

"Do you want me to taste all of you?" he whispered, causing my heart to leap into my chest. His eyes met mine, and all I could do was nod stupidly as I gasped for much needed air.

He shifted his weight onto his side so that he was hovering over me. Slowly—agonizingly—he undid each one of my buttons down the front of my shirt. With each one, his hands gently lingered on the bare skin that peeked out between the fabric, followed by his lips. At my sternum, between my breast over the top of my bra, between my ribcage and finally over my bellybutton. I threw my head back hard against the pillow as he reached up again and stroked from my throat down, all the way to the waistband of my pants, as he gently spread my shirt farther off my torso, handling me all the while as if he were unwrapping the most delicate of art pieces.

My breathing was raged and I was both terrified and exhilarated at the same time—I both cowered from and embraced the unknown that we were about to jump in to. When he'd gotten my shirt off my chest and stomach, his breath hitched and his face contorted beautifully in a combination of awe and pleasure and pain. I whimpered as his eyes roamed appreciatively over my barely-clad body.

"Excruciatingly beautiful," he whispered. He slid his hands up the back of my leg, over the roundness of my backside, and up my back to strip my shirt off my shoulders. He threw it on the floor. Gently, he brought his hands up to hover over my chest, shifting his weight under him. He slipped his thumb under the cup of my bra, pulling the lace up away from my body as he gently brushed over my nipple. I hissed at the delicious sensation of his cool fingers on the sensitive skin as it shot straight to the heat between my thighs, making my pelvis tingle. He moved over to my other one and did the same, smiling as my eyes rolled back into my head and I groaned.

He leaned down so that out chests were pressed against each other and his lips were at my ear.

"Bella, I want to take it off." I was breathing so heavy that I'm not sure if I managed to form a coherent response, but I mumbled a "please" as best as I could. He reached behind me and unhooked my bra in one quick motion, rounding my shoulder blades with feather-light caresses and sliding the straps down my arms. I closed my eyes, unable to look him in the eye when he finally saw my bare chest in front of him, but when he didn't touch me or say anything I peeked up at him hesitantly through my lashes.

He was propped up over me, supported on his knees, and his hands hovered over my breasts. He was breathing heavily, and looking pained. I watched him cautiously, suddenly unsure of myself.

"I know they're not… very…big," I whispered sadly, feeling the shame that I was sure was to be expected. I'd never really compared myself to other girls by body measurements, content with myself, but thinking of the way that he likely imagined this for so long, and knowing that Edward inadvertently got a front row seat to every man's fantasies, I felt inferior. But before I could say anymore, his lips were on mine eagerly.

"Bella, enough," he panted firmly as he moved across my jaw. "You are the single, most glorious creature I've _ever_ seen. You are absolutely perfect, and never in all of my wildest imaginations could I have envisioned how truly mind-blowing you are." He trailed kisses across my collarbone down until his lips grazed my nipple, and he took the taut bulb between them, teasing with his tongue. I arched my back forcefully into him and he sucked and tugged gently with his lips, being careful with his sharp teeth, before moving to the other. I moaned his name wearily in response to his delicious mouth.

He trailed his lips and his nose down and I tightened in anticipation. I felt myself dampen further between my thighs at his very proximity. Eagerly, I rubbed my thighs together and I felt his lips turn up against the skin of my belly. He dipped his tongue into my bellybutton and my head rolled back, arching my body into his lips and hands again.

I was no longer patient. It had been magnificent as he tortured me, placing feather-light kisses all over me, but I didn't want that any more. All I wanted was him. All I needed was him. He kissed a series of tender pecks along the waistband of my pants and I groaned.

"Edward, _please_…"

He looked at me curiously, obviously enjoying my impatience. I looked at him wearily and he nodded.

He reached around my back to grip my pants and pulled them down slowly over my hips and my thighs and down my legs until he gracefully plopped them on the floor. I was naked beneath him, and his hands slid back up from my ankle to my calf to my thigh. He ran his fingers over my hipbone and cross my abdomen, right about my dripping wet heat. I was so tense from the feelings of his lithe fingers over my skin—in ways I'd imagined hundreds of times but could never fully appreciate until that moment. My body hummed with electricity everywhere as he danced his fingers over my skin and left a trail of goosebumps in their wake. He bent down and put delicate kisses on my inner thighs and I whimpered at his proximity to the swollen, aching bud between my legs.

I'd never imagined that any of this could feel so good. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it—a lot. Sometimes, when I'd lie awake at night, listening to the outside echoing, I'd imagine him touching me, as I sought my release by my own hand. I would drag my fingers over my breasts and belly and between my legs, imagining it was his hands or lips touching me, trying to understand what that would feel like to have him there, feeling the strange coolness that he had. Hell, my fantasies and self-pleasuring had become a nightly ritual since he hadn't been spending the night. Without him there, all I had was my own imagination, and I relished the release. It was my only connection to what I truly wanted all along, the way that I pretended to have him eliciting these things from me. I thought I knew what it would be like.

I had no idea.

He nudged my legs apart only slightly, positioning himself between my thighs. I tensed in waves. I watched as he closed his eyes for just a moment. Then, he opened them and sought out my gaze. His eyes were heavy-lidded and lustful.

"Edward," I gasped. Slowly and delicately, he smoothed over my inner thighs with his hands and I opened to him. Before I could adjust to that sensation, he leaned down and dragged his cool tongue up my slit and over my clit. I jerked at the intense feeling of his coolness on my hot, aching lips. It was both startling and comforting, like fire and like ice. He dipped down again and swirled his tongue around my clit once before placing a delicate kiss on my most sensitive apex. I writhed beneath him unable to control the pleasurable spasms that this single intimate caress brought forth out of me. It was nothing like I could have ever imagined, and my own touches were greatly lacking.

"So delicious," he murmured. I groaned at that. My body quivered as he moved away from me and stalked up my body again with his tongue and lips and hands. I wound my hands in his hair, fisting his coppery locks like it was my lifeline. I was panting, my skin feverish where he touched me, despite the coldness of his. It didn't matter, wherever he pressed into me, I burned so hot, his touches doing nothing to calm the fire that was spreading through me.

He brought his lips to mine and hungrily devoured my mouth. My hands trailed over his back and the swell of his round glutes. He moaned into my open mouth and I whimpered. I could feel his hardness pressed against my pelvis, firm and eager. It took me a moment to understand what we were _really _doing. Was Edward really going to make love to me? Would I finally have him, all of him? Would he really let go of his reservations, and let me love him fully? I needed him so badly, and though I'd never known the pleasures of anything that wasn't by my own hand, I knew I needed it.

"I love you," he whispered softly as our eyes met. Slowly, he raised himself up and stood next to the bed. I could see his cotton pants straining with the bulge there. It amazed me that I was able to illicit this kind of reaction from him.

He looked at me longingly, all the emotion of our want washing over him. For a moment, I thought he would call all of it off, with the way he was looking at me, but then he slid his thumbs in his waistband. I watched him, eager for this moment. I felt my body heat at the knowledge of what he was about to do.

He looked at me with lidded, lustful eyes. Momentarily, his gaze drifted down my body, but then immediately they snapped back to my eyes. He smiled a little crookedly and his eyes became resolute. In one quick motion, he pulled down the pants.

If I had thought Edward was beautiful before, I had been unaware and blind. Seeing him standing naked before me, his body solid and strong, made me weak. It was not only from the lust that I felt for him, or the way that my temperature rose at the sight of him standing erect and straining for me. It wasn't even the fact that my body anticipated what his new nakedness could do for me, as the heat spread through my belly and over my thighs with the telltale wetness. No, seeing Edward like this, in a way that I had never seen a man, showed me how much he loved me. It was not just in the physical manifestation of his want and need for me, but in the very fact that he felt he could be with me like this, and that fact that he willingly offered himself to me in a way that he'd never done for anyone else before.

His body was perfection, chiseled out of the most pure of marble. He was glorious to look at, and I quivered with the knowledge that he was sculpted for me. But it was his soul that truly shown.

Slowly, I made my way over to the edge of the bed as he watched me carefully. I pulled myself up so that I was kneeling before him. My hands hovered over his body the way his had earlier over mine, and I watched as his body reacted to me, his erection twitching as I neared him. I looked up into his eyes to see the swirling of emotions: Lust, fear, passion, love, need, agony. I placed my hands on his chest and slowly pulled them down: over his nipples, over his ribcage, and down his strong, defined abs, watching his eyes the whole time. Just as my hands began to ghost over his hardness, he grabbed my wrist, catching it before I had a chance to wrap my fingers around it. And I_ so _badly wanted to wrap my fingers around it.

"Careful," he hissed. I smiled up at him, catching my bottom lip between my teeth. I leaned into him as he held my wrist firmly, pressing my chest up against his. I kissed his jaw gently, and I felt how tight his teeth were clenched.

"Please trust me," I murmured against his jaw line. All I wanted was to touch him, feel his weight in my hands. I'd imagined touching him there so many times, feeling the heaviness of his erection in my palm, knowing I had made him that way. I was pressed up against him fully, and his cock pressed up against my belly as it stood between us. I circled my hips into him and he moaned. Slowly, he released my wrist.

I leaned back and snake my hand between us. Looking him in the eyes, I slid my hand over his belly until I felt the tip of him. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, whimpering. The sensation was not what I expected. It was hard, like all of Edward to my human touch, but soft as velvet. A little bit of his juices had leaked out at the tip, and I smoothed it over him softly with my thumb, before moving my hand to grip him firmly. He opened his mouth and groaned loudly. I gently squeezed.

Before I knew what was going on, I was lying on the mattress again, and Edward was hovering over me. His eyes were wild and burning with desire. He growled slightly. I smiled at his reaction to my touch.

"Sorry," I whispered, still amused. He panted and shook his head a few more times before responding. His lips twitched into a soft smile.

"I told you to be careful," he murmured against my lips playfully. We kissed for a moment, our lips moving in perfect rhythm with each other before he broke away, closed his eyes, and leaned his forehead up against mine. I panted softly as I watched him calm and steady himself.

Slowly, he maneuvered so that he was hovering over me again. His hands meandered down my body and my breathing hitched erratically as his fingers skimmed over my belly and hip bone, and then down my thigh to the back of my knee. He kept his eyes closed the whole time, as if he was memorizing my body with the pads of his fingers. With his hand, he guided my leg over his hip, just like he had so many months before. I could feel his cool tip hovering at my entrance, we were lined up so perfectly, and I gasped as he positioned himself, ready to take me. I closed my eyes tightly, waiting for it. He grabbed himself and stroked me with the soft velvety skin, over my wet folds and my clit. I gasped again as I felt the pressure of it as it elicited surges of pleasure through me.

We stayed like that a moment and I continued to wait with my eyes tightly closed, until I felt impatient. I bit my lip, and when I opened my eyes, he was watching me with reverent love. He brought his hand up and softly traced the contours of my face—my brow bone, my eyelids, down my nose, and over the apple of my cheek, with barely-there touches. I closed my eyes again, enjoying the simple sensation of his touch. Then he leaned up and put feather-light kisses over the same spots. My heart fluttered in my chest like a hummingbird's wings. The aching throb in my belly and pelvis only intensified, though there was an obvious shift. This was not simply about carnal need—about scratching an itch that we both had—but about truly being together the way we were meant to be. About being _one_.

My breathing was heavy and quick as he leaned up again, and I opened my eyes to his intense golden-black ones. They burned with his love for me, with the desire that he had, and with a trust that I had been so afraid to lose.

"I love you," he whispered quietly. "You own my soul."

"And you own mine."

He took in a quick breath, bowing slightly from the weight of our words. I pushed myself up into him to kiss his lips. The motion rocked me into his firmness and I moaned. Suddenly, I was brought back to the task at hand, my body igniting for him again. I felt myself grow molten between my legs and I arched into him, begging him with my body. He tightened his grip on me and looked me in the eyes again.

"Are you sure? I'm about to take something I can't give back."

He was asking to take my virginity. It was never a question who it belonged to in the first place. This moment was never meant to be anyone's besides his. The breath that I'd been holding shuddered in my throat and when I opened my mouth, I was surprised that I could make any sound at all. But I needed his to know the truth of my words, the truth that would tell him everything he'd ever need to know again.

"It's already yours. _Take_ it. _Claim_ it. Claim _me_," I begged huskily, completely incoherent with my need for him, and the truth of my statement.

He shuddered and whimpered, but he pulled me up slightly so that he was aimed and ready to enter me. Gradually, he moved himself gently, pushing forward so agonizingly slowly that if I hadn't felt him gently stretching and filling me, I would have never known that he was moving at all. I couldn't have ever fathomed the way that Edward would feel, sheathed in me. It was like fire and ice all at the same time, though that had nothing to do with his actually temperature. I cried out as he pressed gently into me, his body molding with mine in the most intimate of ways.

I had expected it to be uncomfortable. All that I had heard about a woman's first time said that I would likely be in pain or aching or bleeding, but as Edward moved gently to accommodate to me, none of it really happened. Slowly his body melded in to mine until we were no longer two beings, but one in the same. He sunk into me, filling me up. There was a slight pinching as he pushed in deeper, but the burn was immediately extinguished by him like a compress.

I'd expected him to be cold, chilling me like the winter frost as he laid over me and rocked in me, but it was nothing like that. As my body wrapped around him, both inside and out, I engulfed him, and the temperature was no longer noticeable apart from the waves of pleasure rolling off of me. The sensations became one. Like a spoon warming in the palm of your hand, Edward warmed inside me. The feeling was euphoric, as I wrapped my legs around him and gripped on to him tightly. My body shuddered with the knowledge that he was the one to whom I belonged. This was where I was made to be.

He looked down at me, concern washing over his face. He stilled his gentle rocking.

"Love, are you alright? Are you in pain? Are you cold?"

I raised my hand and stroked his face as he watched me with quiet fear.

"I'm fine. I'm…_more_ than fine," I panted, my chest heaving against him and causing my nipples to harden more. "These shivers? They're _not _from the temperature of your skin."

He leaned down to kiss my lips tenderly, and as he did, he continued his rocking. I moaned into his mouth. He griped my hips and moved slowly. Then, while he continued the heartbreakingly beautiful ministrations on my heat, he tenderly shifted us until I was sitting in his lap. He hadn't broken our rhythm in the slightest. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck as I spread my thighs over him, and fisted my hands in his hair as I rode his lap while he helped guide me.

I could have never imagined the way that my body flash-burned where he touched me. His hands roamed over my back and bottom and shoulders and arms as our pace quickened. I didn't anticipate the way the current that we normally had between us sparked and electrocuted at every juncture, especially where he was buried deep within me. I never thought it would be possible to feel so full and whole while I was willing my own demise. I wanted to die in his arms like that, as he moved me closer and closer to the edge with each gentle thrust.

He was so tender, but as he pushed into me, his hard cool body melding into my wet, soft, overheated one, I knew I was where I belonged. He moved in me so controlled, so smoothly, that I knew I was made for him. The pleasure rocked through me as he filled me, and I maneuvered around him effortlessly. Never had there been another moment like this in all of the history of the world. Never had anyone been so perfectly matched as we were for each other—two complete opposites that fit together to make a whole.

My belly tightened and I squeezed him, causing him to moan my name huskily. He reached down where we connected and rubbed my clit with steady, quick vibrations. I felt him twitch inside me, and the combination of the sensations both inside and out made me dizzy. I clenched onto him with my core muscles and gasped as I lost the battle to the pleasure. He held me tightly as his name fell off my lips against his shoulder, in tandem with each pleasurable pulse in my clit, as I came hard. My whole being hummed with the floating that I felt.

Just as I was about to come down from my delicious drowning, Edward's solid cock twitched in me again, and he grunted, calling my name loudly. I opened my eyes as I felt the cold venom pulsing from him against my walls. He threw his head back in pleasure, and I watched him as his mouth whispered prayers of thanks and devotion, his eyes tightened and his head sunk to my shoulder as he stilled in me. We stayed that way for a long time, relishing how natural it felt to be like this together.

I'd made so many mistakes. I'd nearly lost the one thing that I knew I could never live without. But as we gripped on to each other, I knew that I'd managed to survive it all. The being that held me also held my heart and my soul, and I'd never put us at risk again. He was the only thing that truly mattered to me. If I had him, I had the world.

That was the way it was meant to be. Despite my best-laid plans, the world had a way of righting itself. I would _never_ let him go again.

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**Chapter Notes:** Thanks again. Remember, if you want to see the teaser for _**Entwined**_, visit my profile and see it there.

Thank you all of you who have supported this fic. It's the thing that keeps me writing. Know what else keeps me writing? Reviews!

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Donate $5, get this awesome gift. It's a win/win! Thanks!


	19. Epilogue

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All characters from and references to _Twilight_ and the _Twilight Saga_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is made from this writing, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's Note:** First of all, to my dear faithful readers, and FRIENDS who I've made along the way:

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I can't tell you what all of your alerts, and reviews, and PM's have meant to me. I hope that you've enjoy this. It would have never been written without you. CullenFest, Kyrene, Sobriquet, Totteacher, and Divinemissm, (as well as my Twilighted VB, angelicwish) I want to thank you ladies for all your support and kind words. They've been my inspiration in so many ways. You are so wonderful. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my story.

Secondly, Best Laid Plans has been nominated for three (OMG, 3!!!) Indie TwiFic Awards! Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who nominated me. I'm still all giddy about the noms! Voting is open now. I'm nominated for "Best Love Triangle," "Best Use of a Parent," and "Canon or AU Story That Knocks You Off Your Feet." If you can find the time, I could use the votes! Here's the link: http://www (DOT) theindietwificawards (DOT) com. All the love is GREATLY appreciated! (They are under the In-Progress section, even with the completion.)

Finally, I am sad that this is over, but so EXCITED that I get to embark on a whole new adventure with _**Entwined**_. If you have not done so, please add me to your alerts. It will be posted next week Sunday, Feb. 28. It's from Edward's POV, and completely different. I hope you will join me for that too!

Okay, here it is… the epilogue…

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**Epilogue**

Jake was gone. The best friend that I spent so many months sacrificing for, worrying over, _protecting_ was gone. I'd put all of myself—all my hopes and desires, all my breaths—into achieving happiness for him. At least, that is how I had _intended_ it to be. I had thought I was doing the right thing, but in truth, I had only made everything worse. It had started out as a way to protect him, to shield his heart from the ache that I alone had caused when Edward had left me. Those months that I had felt so empty and alone, Jake had been the one to comfort me, and he ended up falling in love with me because of it. I thought, by easing him into a life with someone else, I'd fix him. I'd protect him from hurt. In the end, the one thing that I could _not_ protect him from was me. I only hurt him that much more. The wound I caused him was deep and ragged and dirty. I was the final blow, the thing that did him in.

I don't know where he went. No one _really_ ever found out. That night, after I'd come to tell him everything that I'd planned, he crumpled and lost himself. He'd shifted and ran away from the person that had broken him. And he never looked back. I watched him run into the trees that night and a piece of me knew that he was not coming back.

His link to the wolf pack allowed them understanding, even while he was running from me. As much as he wanted to, he could not shut that off. They all felt it, felt what I had done. They let him go, knowing that he needed to put that distance between us. After he was gone, it was Sam that came to me, offering his understanding. It surprised me to say the least. Of all of them, I expected him to be the least accepting, most resentful, and I feared his reaction.

"Sometimes," he said, very stoically and calmly, "the only thing that can right us is the one who completes us. Someday, he'll understand that too." Then he left.

Despite what I had done to Jake, a few other members of the pack forgave me as well. Seth was the first after Sam to come to us. He accepted my apologies easily and continued to spend time with Edward. Their bond surprised all of us, though I believe that Edward was most surprised. He was truly fond of him in a way we never imagined possible. Seth looked to him as someone he could look up to, someone who he could emulate. He was an unlikely brother. Then there was Quil, though he mourned the loss of his brother and friend.

Paul and Embry were not so open with me, though they were polite on the few occasions that we met. Leah was outwardly hostile. She brought me to tears on more than one occasion, and I was pretty sure that Edward and Sam exchanged words about it at one point, though I can't be sure. But it was Billy who was truly devastated by it all. Billy lost his only son and housemate, his lineage. And I don't know if he'd ever forgiven me for that. Jacob severed the link to his father, his sisters, and the wolf pack that were his brothers. All because of me.

No one ever found out what truly happened to him—where he went or what he did. He was gone, and I had sent him away.

And that _could_ have been the end, but fate has a funny way about it…doesn't it?

* * *

I will never regret any of it. Despite what transpired after my confession, I wouldn't change anything. I _can't_ because it made us who we are now. It shaped each one of us in ways we never thought possible. We are strength, fortified by each other. We are hope, united by our love. We have each other, and the universe is aligned because of it.

They are _all_ here, to join with us on this happy day. I could be a nervous wreck. I could be crying as I look upon the scene. Alice outdid herself again. The lights are all strung beautifully, each one of them perfectly positioned by delicate marble hands. There are roses absolutely everywhere—I've never seen so many flowers! The smell of silk and taffeta and baby's breath and lavender mix with the roses and fill the air. That reminds me of Jacob's and my trip to Sequim for the Lavender Festival, and I smile at the memory. It is strange that I can look back on it so fondly now, the memory hazy at best, but all the feelings are still there.

I can hear them all. They are outside, talking amongst themselves. Everyone is anxious, happy, and relieved. Many of them wondered if this day would come. So I am alone in the large room, decorated so beautifully. I am content to be alone at this moment.

So many things are going through my head as I sit here waiting. I am using the solitude as a time for reflection, to calm my nerves. I _shouldn't_ be nervous. This is destiny. But it is a little daunting. I want this day to be perfect. It means so much. It is like this is the last day, and tomorrow will be the first—the first in a long line of many. I wonder what the future will bring. Will we always be as happy as we are today, all of us together? No. I know someday, our lives will bear sadness. Someday, we will part, as is the natural way of the world. But not yet. Now, we are together, and we will be for a long time. Because we are _meant _to be.

If you would have told me nearly twenty years ago that I would be sitting here like this, waiting for _this_ day, I would have laughed at you. I would have told you that it was not possible, that I didn't deserve it, or that it couldn't happen.

The slight shift in the air behind me is the only indication that he is here. I felt him before he was in the room, and I smile to myself that he can still do that to me. It is the same feeling that I had so many years ago when I first saw him, the very same feeling that I get _every_ time is see him: the excited fluttering that goes from the tips of my toes and rumbles through my thighs and my core and my belly and settles in my ribcage. It comes out of my fingertips like electricity, fizzing in the air between us.

He approaches me from behind silently, bending so that he can whisper in my ear. Ripples of anticipation shudder through my body at his nearness. I turn in my seat to look at him. He is so breathtakingly beautiful that I can't believe he is mine. When does that end, that feeling of intensity and hungry longing that I get when I see him like this? Does it _ever_ go away? It has not faded, not in the slightest, and I pray that it never dulls. I hope that I will always be the blushing bride for him, always wanting him the way I do now. It fades for others, I know it does. But _we_ are not 'other lovers.'

"Hey there. Everything alright?" His voice is so soothing as he gently strokes my arm that I've rested on the back of the wooden folding chair, and I nod in response. I smile at his appearance. He is dressed in a striking tailored suit, black, with a light lavender tie. The color is not feminine on him, but highlights the sparkling amber of his eyes, and the purplish undertones of our skin. Pinned at his breast is a creamy white rose surrounded by baby's breath and lavender sprigs. It compliments him, and again, I muse that Alice has once again surprised me. When she'd suggested light purple, I'd scoffed at the notion of the men adorned in light purple. But I was wrong. I should have known better that to question Alice. I smile up at him as he brushes my cheek with his fingertips. My head rolls into his palm contently.

"I'm fine. Just…taking a few moments. You know, taking it all in."

His face lights up with his wide grin, and his eyes dance.

"What are you doing, by the way?" I ask, suddenly realizing that he should not be here with me like this. "Don't you think you should be somewhere else? Hiding away until it's time? I don't think you're allowed to be here with me like this."

He chuckles as he comes around to take a seat beside me. His hand finds mine and he wraps our fingers together. Neither one of us are saying anything, happily blanketed in the serenity of the quiet, empty room. I could stay with him like this forever. I _will _stay with him like this forever. Until the end of time.

"I wanted to see you," he says softly, finally answering my question. "I needed to find you beforehand, before all of this gets going. _This_ is what I needed." He points between us and lifted our hands.

"Me too," I sigh in elation, contentment, and nervousness.

He cocks his head to the side and ponders me thoughtfully. "Did you ever think that we'd be doing this?"

I have to chuckle at that, and I nudge him playfully, rolling into him and bumping him with my shoulder and then my hip. "Not in a million years." He smiles and nods, focusing once again on our entwined hands. They rest in my lap, and his thumb rubs over the back of my hand. Beneath our hands, the silk of my dress rumples from my thigh down to the floor, flowing over me knee like liquid.

Outside the large picture windows, the sky is darkening. On the horizon, the earth is washed in pinks and oranges and lavenders, the same color as his tie. There is a faint glow around the house and outside from the candles sprinkled all over. Another flash, a memory of the beach where we danced and I offered myself to him in desperation to keep him with me. I watch as the lights flicker in the light breeze outside. I am distracted by him leaning into me, and I tilt my head towards him instinctually.

"You look breathtaking tonight," he whispers. His voice is husky and my breathing hitches. He tells me this often, but tonight it means more. I turn to find that he has not moved away, and our noses almost touch. He leans in to place his lips softly to mine. He is tender and sweet, and his lips mold with mine and leave me dizzy. I close my eyes with the warmth of his lips and the flavor of his breath.

It only lasts a moment, but that is all we need for him to show me how desperately he loves me. He rises holding his hand out to me.

"We should go. Get ready. They are up there waiting for you." I nod in agreement. He is right. I have wasted too much time sitting. It is almost time, and I am surprised Alice is not down already, chewing my head off for delaying her precise schedule. He leads me to the staircase, but before we go up, he tugs on my hand to halt my ascent. He reaches up into the urn of roses on the banister and plucks one out, snapping the stem off. He reaches up and tucks it gently behind my ear and smiles. He is my reason for living. Together, hand in hand, we climb the stairs, to give away the only other piece of us, the piece that has completed us so unexpectedly for the last twenty years.

Everything that's happened over the past two decades has prepared us for this moment. It's like all the threads of our tapestry have been floating around in the air and now are we first weaving them together. They were always there, but we've finally understood the pattern that would shape us.

There was no way to know what would come. Edward and I were an enigma. Never had a vampire and human been together like us. Never had there been a precedent for our love. Nothing could prepare us for what would have happened because of it. The night when we first made love had been the catalyst that started us out on this phase of our epic journey.

Edward had been so gentle with me. His power and strength had never been an issue like he imagined they would be. He touched me with the most loving of caresses. He kissed me so tenderly that my lips became swollen and delicate, but not so much so that they bruised or bled. He rocked in me so gently that it brought me weak to my knees, but never tore at my body or bruised me. He held me firmly but softly, and he never marred my flesh on the outside, never causing me discomfort or tell-tale blemishes on my skin. He contained himself as I wrapped my body around his, eliciting only _love_ out of our bodies.

But we did not know what our lovemaking would do to me on the inside. We did not know that while we continued our ministrations on each other's bodies that I was slowly changing from the inside out. Day after day, night after night, we poured ourselves into each other—we _loved _each other. And each time, a little more of my humanity slipped away. The change was so minimal at first that I didn't notice the difference. I felt full and whole and strong and beautiful. My hair got shinier and my eyes got brighter. Day by day my body began to tone in ways that I thought were from our lovemaking, the way that he moved me and I moved with him. I glowed, and I imagined it was because of my new-found happiness with the one that completed me. Occasionally, my belly would burn with need, but I would seek out Edward, and he would fill me with himself, and it would cool the desire that I had, quenching the burning that I felt, albeit temporarily. He was both my poison and my antidote all at once. I couldn't get enough of him.

It happened quickly. After the first time we made love, we were both consumed by our lust for one another. Each time he laid me down beneath him, I welcomed him as he pulsed into me, only grazing the surface of my insatiable need for him. And each time, it inched me closer and closer to edge, until only a month after we'd first made love—that was when I became his equal in every sense of the word.

We were lying in bed, cuddled against each other when the fire that he'd just put out inside me came back with a vengeance. His eyebrows laced together in concern as he watched me squiggle painfully against him, trying to calm the tempest that raged in me. It began slowly, burning me like reflux, but quickly engulfed me in proverbial flames. I felt it flush like molten lave through me at the exact moment that Edward understood. He'd been watching me carefully, but it wasn't until I began to whimper and cry that he caught on to what our loving was doing to me. He had changed me, and it had not been from the act of brutality that he had imagined it would be. He had not lost his control and harmed me. Each time we made love, a little more of him seeped into me, meshing together perfectly with me. Bit by bit, he introduced himself into me, and bit by bit, a piece of him joined with a piece of mine, until it tipped the balance in favor of his kind. My body willingly gave itself up to be with him, like him, _of_ him.

It was the way that it was meant to be. I was meant to be like him, and at the first introduction of him into my bloodstream, my body began to relinquish control of my humanity to him. _He owned my soul_, it reasoned. _Take what is left of this body._

The process was swift, faster than any before me. From the start of the burning to my complete transformation, it only took a little over twenty-four hours. On the eve of my nineteenth birthday, mere minutes before I shifted away from him by another year, I was whole, I was complete, and I was perfect. I was like him, and I would always be with him. He and I were one in the same, and I'd gotten exactly what I'd hoped for. His venom seared through my bloodstream in infinitesimal amounts until it had purged my system of my human life. Like beautiful anarchy of a disease, his venom had weaved its way through me until it consumed me. And we'd done it, not by ripping my flesh and feasting on my blood, but by proving our love over and over again. By being one.

_He had made me whole and complete with his love for me._

I am shaken out of my memories by his hand gentle tugging on mine. I shake off the images that ghost across my eyes and turn my attention to the man beside me, the one that holds my heart as poignantly and he now holds my hand. He is smirking in the way that always makes me quiver at the core, raising his eyebrows in interest of what he _still _cannot see going on in my head. I smile back up at him.

"What are you thinking about now?" he whispers into my ear, making the hair stand up at the back of my neck. This is a question I hear almost daily.

"You," I say to him. "Always you. And how far we've come to get here."

His smile grows as lifts my hand to his lips, brushing them lightly over the pale skin on my hand. He closes his eyes and hums into it, before he pushes against it for a moment. When he opens his eyes, they are burning darkly.

"I love you," He murmurs, before releasing me and walking down the hall. "Call me when you're ready."

I watch him retreat for a moment. It hurts just a little to see him walking away from me, even when I know that he will still be here in this house with me somewhere, and that I know he will never really leave me. There is nothing that I want more than to spend every moment with him. But that is not practical, especially on a day like today. There are things—traditions—that are expected of us today, and I know that I need to focus my attention on the chaos going on behind the door, furious preparations and planning for this joyful event. I sigh, knowing that once I have him back later tonight, I will be unable to let go of him ever again. Tonight, I will show him what he means to me. What he _does _to me.

I sigh and gently push open the door from its frame.

Everything is as I left it. Alice is flitting around with vampire speed, trying to arrange what I already see as perfect. Esme is watching patiently, waiting for more of Alice's direction. The little pixie sighs and turns towards me, casting me a glare that can only be described as "aggravated."

"Where have you _been_?" she says indignantly. I raised my eyebrows, knowing that she didn't need me to answer that. She sighed and I chuckled. "Oh, never mind. I already _know_. You and Edward have _things _to do. You are needed _here_. There'll be plenty of time for you two _later_."

I smile and shake my head at her tirade. For someone that can see the future, she certainly gets her panties in a bunch for the preparation.

At the distraction of Alice's fuming and my entrance, I watch as _she_ slowly turns. The air swirls with the scent of silk and lace, baby's breath and woodiness that she naturally exudes. I can taste the lavender perfume that she wears just for this day, and the clean sweet flavor of her Ivory soap and coconut shampoo that she's always loved. Her face lights up at my presence, and my chest constricts powerfully with pride over the lovely creature in front of me. I am consumed with melancholy.

~ * ~

_The wind whipped around us forcefully as we ran, bending to our will. In three years, the feeling of the motions were more than instinctual, but I could step back and remember sometimes the way that my human body used to feel as I ran: the way that my calves would tighten and burn, and the raw feeling in my throat as I breathed and pushed myself. I still burned in my throat, but it was for a different reason entirely. My body no longer fought against the elements. The elements bent to the will of my body._

_I felt him before I saw him fly by me, and I giggled as he shot me a playful look. He smiled crookedly—the smile that never failed to make me weak in the knees—and I laughed as he suddenly stopped and threw me over his shoulder, spanking me softly on my backside. My belly sloshed with the warm liquid we'd just ingested from the small herd of mule deer that we'd easily overtaken. He spun me around once before placing me on my feet and kissing me fervently._

_I didn't need to breathe, but Edward still left me breathless._

"_Mmmm," I murmured against his lips as we slowly separated. "What was that for?"_

"_Running behind you is a distraction. I couldn't go any longer without feeling you in my arms." He smiled at me again as his hands slid down my back and his fingers splayed across my bottom. He grabbed gently as he chuckled darkly. I noticed the way his eyes darkened as he pulled me up and into him. Instantly, my body reacted to him, and I tilted my body so that I was pressing against him delightfully._

"_Ah," I whispered. "Well, Mr. Cullen. Since we've quenched our thirst, how about we satiate some of that hunger?" I played with the top buttons of his shirt and shot him a look of mock innocence. He groaned as I pressed my pelvis against him._

_His mouth immediately found mine again, but it wasn't like the slow, lulling kisses from before. Now he was hungry and needy and wanting. He lifted me up so that my legs could wrap around him, and he grabbed me hard and fisted my hair to guide me to him. I could have lost myself in him, right there amongst the trees._

_It is nearly impossible to describe what it's like to be a vampire. Edward could never have prepared me fully for all of it, no matter how much he tried. When I opened my eyes for the first time after my change, I was met with the inexplicable. Every sensation was as if I was feeling it with charged nerve endings, every taste lingered on my tongue for all eternity, every memory burned into my eyes as if I was seeing it anew, and every sound was as if I'd never heard before that moment. _

_And if I hadn't been a vampire in the woods that day, I'd never have heard the way the air moved through the wings of a flock of herons nearby, or the echo of hooves against earth as a herd of elk moved in the mountains. If I hadn't been a vampire in the arms of my love that day, I'd never have heard the tiny whimper, or the quiet, gentle thud of a nervous, frightened heart._

_Edward heard it too. He pulled back from me and we stared at each other fearfully at the foreign sound. We were too far off the trail for hikers and this was no place for hunters of the human variety. We halted our ministrations on each other and followed the sound to a small clearing. There at the far edge, sheltered from the sun by a red cedar and curled in a ball was the thing that would change our lives, and from it, there was no going back. We called her "Carlee."_

~ * ~

Seventeen years has passed since that day.

I never had the opportunity to sit down in a bathroom while I waited to find out if she'd come, holding the tiny test instrument between my shaking fingers. I never had the feeling of carrying her in my belly, feeling her kick me in lively exuberance, or looking down into her eyes in the first few moments of her life and knowing that she was a tiny, miraculous piece of me. I never had the chance to see her first step, or hear her first word—she was already past that point. My blood—my husband's blood—doesn't run through her veins. She looks nothing like us, not even in the slightest. But the beautiful, dark-haired, russet-colored girl…no, _woman_…in front of me is every bit as much my daughter. Edward's and mine.

Her lips turned up over her teeth and I return her affectionate stare. She bites her lip in anticipation, a habit that she picked up from me over the years. I see the emotion on her face, the way her cheeks flush and her eyes water. She reaches a delicate, manicured hand out to me, beckoning me over, and I can see that her hand is shaking. The tear ducts that have been so dry for so long pinch in their attempts to help ease the burden of this day for me, but as always, nothing comes. Instead, I reach out and take her hand, coming up beside her and wrapping my arms around her white silk-and-lace-clad torso. We stare at our joined reflection, searching the other's eyes.

"How's Daddy," she whispers to me. I smile at the way that it falls off her lips. She's loved him that way since the day we found her. There was never any hesitation in her voice when she spoke of him. She never questioned it, just simply knew that we loved her as our own. We didn't look or act or even _feel_ like her, but she's never had any doubt that we were her parents. Even when she grew and changed and we didn't—when she began to look more like our sister or cousin or friend, more than our daughter—she didn't doubt our place in her life. I squeezed her gently, tilting my head to look up at her.

"He's nervous. And happy. And determined to make everything perfect. You know how he is." She smirks and raises her eyebrow in an act that is one-hundred percent Edward. I turn my attention back to the mirror. She is taller than me now. A memory of her as a little girl flashes with perfect clarity behind my eyes as I remember how she used to be so tiny. She used to come up only just to my thighs. Now, her strong stature is almost a half a foot taller than me. Alice has done a marvelous job with her dress, though I couldn't expect anything less from her. Her dress is all-over lace, a delicate A-line with a sweetheart neckline. It hugs her until it gradually flares at her hips and swings around her gracefully. On the bodice are tiny lavender beads that dip into a low V. The snow-white dress is striking against her warm, umber complexion. Her straight black hair was smoothed back and piled on top of her head in a large, full bun. Tiny lavender flowers pepper her hair at the base. I look at the woman she's become, and I can't help but feel it in my core: she was always part of our destiny.

"Okay, time for gifts" Esme says, rising from her seat next to us. Her expression radiates everything I'm feeling: pride, sadness, joy, anticipation. She loves this beautiful creature—they _all_ do—with such fervor. I'd never been worried about that, though, I knew they'd love her immediately. She'd stumbled into our lives in such a way that was unexpected and odd, but she was never an outsider. She was always just one of us.

Alice is suddenly back, her arms gracefully balancing three tiny gift-wrapped presents. I watch as my girl's eyes light up as she looks at each of us in turn in question. Alice hand's her the first, a rectangular box wrapped in pretty silver and blue paper. Just as she's about to slip her finger between the paper and tear it away, I stop her with my hand on her wrist.

"Wait for Rose."

With perfect timing, the door clicks open and Rosalie steps in, shooting us an excited smile, and latches it behind her. My daughter looks at her in anticipation, all the questions that she's thinking transparent on her face. She is nervous and excited, giddy but fearful of what is soon to come. She wants to know that they are waiting, and that he is still here, that he hasn't run away. I already know the answer to that. He will _never _leave her—he _can't_. I understand that feeling. Rose smiles reassuringly.

"Soon," she says with a happy sigh, coming to join us. Carlee only nods and looks down at the little gift in her hand. For a moment, she doesn't continue, just grounds herself and breaths deeply. Her eyes lift up to meet mine, and I give her a knowing look. I know what she's feeling. I felt it too when I was in her shoes. I feel it every time I look at Edward. He is what completes me in a way that nothing else can. When it had been me, all I wanted was to get all of it over with so that I could start my new life with him. She is feeling overwhelmed.

Alice sighs beside me and Esme reaches up to stroke her cheek lovingly. I look at these women that surround us and I am once again thankful for all their love and support. Her eyes dance to each of them in turn, silently conveying what they mean to her as well. In ways, they are all like mothers to her. Finally she lands on me, and I nod to her. Her hands are still on the paper's edge, ready to tear. With the look, she begins to open the present.

Inside the rectangular box is a simple blue satin garter. She pulls it out and looks at it with amusement. We look around and smile to each other.

"Something blue," Esme says. She looks up from her scrutinizing of the lacy satiny garter and smiles appreciatively. Alice hands her another box, this one is smaller, though it is the same shape. It is decorated with swirling pearl swoops on a printed lace background. "That one is borrowed, from one of Rose's many weddings."

She looks up to Rose, who smiles warmly.

"Emmet gave me that at our third wedding. I want it back," she says, raising her eyebrows in mock threat. Slowly, she opens the box inside the paper to reveal a lovely amethyst and diamond hair comb. Even knowing what was in the box, the sight of it takes my breath away.

"Oh, Aunt Rose," she says as the tears threaten to fall down her cheeks. "It's too beautiful. Thank you so much. I don't know what to say."

Rose tenderly reaches up and brushes beneath her eyes, expertly catching the tears just before they hit her painted face. She removed the comb from her hand and secures it in the bun on top of her head.

"You don't have to say anything, honey."

She nods at her, conveying all her gratitude towards Rosalie. Alice hands me the last gift, a tiny box wrapped in reddish paper and jute cord.

"Okay, well, we have to go," Alice says abruptly, shrugging her shoulders. "You're about fifteen minutes to launch, and Rose needs to get downstairs to start playing."

She looks terror stricken for a moment, and her breathing becomes labored. It elicits a giggle from Alice.

"_Calm down_. Everything goes _perfectly_." Her voice trills melodiously over the last word, and she hops up lightly and kisses her cheek, smiling brilliantly. Esme reaches up and pulls her into her for a warm embrace that is a mixture of motherly approval, grandmotherly joy, and sisterly devotion.

"We love you so much, dear. You are as beautiful as your mother was on her wedding day." I snort lightly as Esme pulls back to give me a knowing smirk.

"Much more so," I tell her.

Finally Rose reaches up to her and kisses her cheek.

"Give him hell," she whispers and I smile, because I know that she will, indeed, 'give him hell.' Together, they leave the room.

We are alone.

"You okay?" I ask, knowing her so well. She nods just as there is a light tap on the door. I know instantly who it is. I'd recognize him from anywhere.

"Come in," she calls lightly, her voice squeaking ever so slightly. The door opens and he pops his head in, smirking when he sees her, his eyes filling with awe. His emotions flit over his face as they quickly shift, first to pride, and then to sadness, finally resting on acceptance.

"You look perfect," he tells her lovingly. His eyes dart to me, and he sighs. I go over to him and he wraps his arms around me, leaning over to kiss me lightly on the lips. The act is chaste, but so tender. "Did you give it to her yet?" he murmurs against my lips.

For a moment I am reeling still from his lips on mine, swaying slightly. I realize that he has asked me a question, and I smile sheepishly, opening my eyes. He chuckles a little as I shake my head of his heady effects on me that never seem to fade.

"No," I whisper up at him. "I was waiting for you."

We turn, and she is watching us questioningly. He goes over to her and kisses her lightly on the forehead.

"This is more from your mom than me, but I wanted to be here for it."

I come over and hand her the little box. She eyes it suspiciously, and smiles slightly.

"This is your old," I explain. "Your dress is your new, thanks to your Aunt Alice. But this, well, this is your old."

"Thank you," she mumbles, still looking over the untraditional paper. Slowly, she unwraps the little box. Edward and I watch her, trying hard to gauge her reaction to the little trinket that rests inside. The moment she lifts the top, she gasps. She doesn't need any explanation—she's heard the story so many times. Her hand shakes as she slowly lifts the charm off of the fluffy cotton beneath. Her eyes well with tears. A lone one slips down over her cheek and lands on her wrist. Edward lifts his hand, and gently wipes away the excess wetness.

She holds it up in front of her eyes. The vibrations from her quivering hand travel down the delicate bracelet that Edward had purchased for this occasion. On the end hangs a poignant reminder of my past, and a weighty promise of her future. There, spinning gracefully in the air is a wooden wolf, copper-colored and skillfully carved. It had once belonged to me. Now, it belongs to her. Just as I wear my crest, she will wear this, proof that the universe has a plan despite all out misguided plans.

"Oh, mom," she sobs. Immediately, she is in our arms, encircled by the marble that make up our bodies. Edward rests his head on the top of hers, and I am snuggled under her side. He is simultaneously holding us both. He leans forward to look me, searching my eyes. He knows, just from the look that I cannot tell her what the little gift means for her—for us, him and me. He pulls me into his arms and I am instantly whole again, as I snuggle into him for the comfort that only he can give.

"Everything happens for a reason," he tells her for me, "and sometimes we don't understand why until much, much later. Our lives are a giant circle. We vampires came and then the wolves. Every single thing that has happened has brought us to this point. You and he were destined to be together. The chain of events that we once thought were so devastating? It was all for _this_ moment."

_~ *~_

_I pushed her forward with my elbow gently, willing her to walk out the door. She was dragging her feet like I'd never seen. Irritated and sullen, she shot me an annoyed look. I'd nearly forgotten how stubborn teenagers could be. Had _I_ been such a pain? Of _course_ I had! I'd put it all on the line for my vampire boyfriend! Poor Charlie. I would have to remember to apologize for all of that when I called him next. I raised my eyebrows and shrugged._

"_Well, okay. If you don't want him to teach you, I suppose we could just stay home."_

_Her eyes widened in dramatic horror. Immediately, her mood shifted from uncooperative to helpful and appreciative._

"_No! No, way. I'm going."_

_Her feet seemed to move with a new sense of urgency. I smiled to myself. I _knew_ that the threat would motivate her. She'd been begging Edward for months to teach her how to drive._

_She reached the garage in record time for her, finally showing some enthusiasm for the situation. Standing there against his new bright red sports car, twirling a set of keys on his index finger skillfully, was Edward. My breathing hitched excitedly at the sight. It reminded me so much of when we'd first met, before I was like him. After so many years, he was still able to make me want him with just the sight of him. He was my own personal Adonis, my god. He owned me. _

_He raised his eyebrows and smirked at my reaction for a moment before turning his attention to our almost-sixteen-year old. If I could have, I would have blushed, knowing that he'd caught me ogling him. But then again, I _wanted_ to want him that way. I wanted him to _know_ that I did._

"_Ready?" He questioned her. I watched in amusement as her tiny body began bouncing excitedly up and down. Sometimes, she looked like Alice when she did that._

"_Yes! Do I get to drive it? _Please_, Daddy?"_

_Edward snorted in an unnatural way. He very briefly ran his hand over the shiny exterior of his newest toy. I rolled my eyes. Even now as a vampire, I didn't understand his love for cars. Okay, _fine_. It was fast and sexy, but we were faster. I was faster; he was faster. And running with him beside me was one of the most exhilarating things in the world. Not to mention that if I had to choose an object to define the word "sexy," I would pick him over that car any day. He didn't think I appreciated the power of a well-made machine enough. Truthfully, though there were plenty of other things that I could easily appreciate that were just as well-made, and they were a whole hell of a lot more fun. And they _weren't_ man-made._

"_No way," he responded, furrowing his brow. "Your mother and I might be unbreakable, but _you_ aren't… and my car _certainly_ isn't. You get to drive that."_

_He pointed, and our eyes followed his movement to the white Volvo in the garage. It was the newest model that the company offered, and it was shiny and sporty, but somehow that wasn't enough. When she realized that she wouldn't be driving Edward's car, she huffed and turned on her heels, stalked towards it, and forcefully threw open the driver's side door. We shot each other knowing glances and smiled secretively to one another. We followed behind and Edward allowed me to climb in the backseat before joining us in the front passenger side._

_I leaned forward as we drove, watching in awe how he taught her. Edward was patient and gentle with her, keeping in mind her nerves and slower reaction time. He guided her through the proper motions, telling her the necessities of driving. He was sweet when she made a mistake, teaching her how to do it properly with such care. He'd always been that way with her, even as a very little girl. I used to sit and watch them as they say side by side at the piano. It was so similar._

_She, in turn, morphed quickly from temperamental teenager to responsible young adult. Her respect for her adopted father was evident in the way that she followed his instructions and allowed him to teach her without interrupting or giving him attitude. She'd always wanted his approval like no one else's, and she strived to be like him in everything she did. She _was_ like him. She was intelligent and diligent. She never settled, and she was _certainly_ stubborn. Without having his DNA, she was as much his daughter as anyone could be._

_We travelled down the one-oh-one at a moderate pace, curving around the familiar scenery of the Olympic Peninsula. I sighed with the feelings that the moment solicited. There was something about being here, with the two of them, in this place that felt so right._

_As hard as any of us tried, no where felt like home quiet as much as Forks. Not long after we'd found Carlee, we'd left. She was still just a toddler. We were able to pull off the façade for a while, the guise of a young family, but soon, it became too hard to hide the way that she grew and changed around us, while Edward and I failed to age at all. We traveled to New Hampshire and continued our plans of going to school. There, Carlee was our niece, the adopted daughter of Carlisle and Esme, Edward's older sister. But soon, even that was too much to believe. We moved more than any little girl should, bouncing from school to school and new home to new home. I always felt terrible for the fact that we were never able to give Carlee the stability of a home, a place to call her own._

_But it never bothered her. She'd always accepted all of us just as we were. We were her family, Edward and I her parents, who she loved the way a daughter loves her mother and father. She never questioned our different features, the way that her skin tone was so much darker than our own, or the fact that our skin was hard like granite and cold to the touch while hers was soft and warm._

_She never looked at us differently, when she began to grow and we stayed exactly the same. Even when she looked more like our peer, we were always her parents, and she always treated us that way. I longed to give her a place where she would feel like she belonged, but she always told us she belonged where we were. There were times that I forgot that she was not our biological child, because she always just felt like she was._

_We tried to find for her another place that felt like home the way Forks did, but we just couldn't. So, after much deliberation, we came back. When she was fourteen, we came back._

_It was dangerous. We'd not been gone much longer than ten years. The community and its inhabitants had not changed enough that we could justify the return, but we all just _felt_ it. We needed to be here. Something was calling us, and we answered. With pledges to lie low, we all agreed. Carlisle took a job in Port Angeles and we vowed to keep quiet about our presence. None of us enrolled in school, and Edward and Esme and I tutored Carlee at home. We secluded ourselves from society, just so that we could be here. It felt so right. We all knew it._

_Carlee was already a proficient driver. I closed my eyes and listened to the soft soothing tenor of Edward's voice as her instructed her how to shift gears effectively. I felt so at peace at that moment. Allowing her a little freedom to drive without constant instruction, he discussed possible road scenarios with her. She was attentive and listened well, and asked questions where she was confused. Their conversation was easy and relaxed._

_Suddenly, I caught the scent of something not entirely foreign outside of the vehicle. It was large and unmistakable, even though I'd never dealt with its presence as a vampire. The aroma was woodsy and musky, of earth and sweat and wet animal. I looked quickly to the tree line following the road and then turned my attention to Edward in the front seat. Edward's eyes searched out mine, and from his cautious expression I could tell he'd noticed it too. _

_Immediately, I opened up my shield to him, allowing him to hear me in a way I only did in our most intimate of moments together. His eyes stayed locked on me as I begged for his answers. Why were they here now? Were they friendly? Were they the same wolves that were here before? Could we trust them? He shook his head minutely to indicate that he had no answers for me. Carlee was none the wiser about our silent exchange._

_I focused my attention towards the darkened shadows of the trees again. I could see the massive figure moving alongside us and we drove down the highway. It seemed to be hunting us, a fact that terrified me. Edward and I could take care of ourselves, but Carlee would be in grave danger. Edward caught the tenor of my thoughts through the shield's link, and shot me a wild look._

_Everything happened all at once. The massive creature bounded from the tree line and into our path, snarling and growling savagely. Edward reached towards Carlee and wrapped his arms tightly around her body, pulling her with him out the door at the same time that I lurched forward and grabbed the wheel, twisting the car away from the giant wolf that sought our lives._

_We rolled away from the vehicle as it spun toward it. Edward encircled Carlee, protecting her from the tarmac and gravel, and we were hovered in front of her little, shaking body before the massive twisted metal of our vehicle stopped shuddering and groaning from the accident._

_Our bodies coiled and reacted to the threat against our child and each other, and Edward snarled. That was when I noticed the familiar tinge of the wolf's russet-colored fur. It was very hard to discern, though I recognized it. Its coat was mangled and matted, dingy and mangy. The beast's eyes were wild and animalistic, but tired like a ragged road-warrior's spirit. The sparkle that was once so easy to see in them was hidden with the haze of a life long-devoid of the gentle touch of humanity. It was as if this animal was never human, but always wolf. The muscles were more defined than I remembered, and the physique was more lean, as if the beast had only just been surviving. But that didn't matter, because I _knew_._

_Involuntarily, a single word left my lips in a quiet whisper._

"_Jacob."_

_At first, the wolf's brow furrowed and he tilted his head to the side contemplatively. The name seemed to touch him like a foreign language, as if it had been too long since he'd understood such a thing was possible, for there to be a way of communication more than grunts and howls and whimpers. Recognition settled in his eyes, and we watched as the emotions washed over his face, consuming him._

_Edward felt it too, so much so that he winced and groaned. The desperation of his life flooded Edward's mind. He recalled the way it felt to listen to my confession, and the way he'd lived his solitary life for so long. Edward later described it as pictures, raw and ineloquent, only flashes. There were no words to accompany them, because the language that he'd known for so long was replaced by the nature of the wolf. He whimpered at the musical tone of my voice, and the connotations that it brought of my life, sadness threatening to break him with the knowledge that I was a vampire. He grew angry at the fact that despite all his efforts, he could not save me from Edward._

_I reached over and took Edward's hand as I saw him suffer from Jacob's memories and regrets, letting him know in the most gentle, simplest of gestures all that I needed him to remember: I had chosen him, I had chosen this life, and I regretted nothing about it. I was where I wanted to be. _With him_._

_And that was when the winds changed. Behind our bodies, Carlee whimpered out of shock and from fear. She was well hidden, but the sound of her voice elicited reactions from all of us. Remembering that I was her mother, and that _that_ position was more important than that of "vampire" or "old friend," I turned and searched her for any injuries. Edward did the same, our bodies now tensed from the possibility that she might be hurt. The fear welled in my chest. _

_I did not smell any blood, and she seemed to be taking it well, despite the shock that she must have been in. We huddled over her, holding and comforting her in our steel arms, showing her our love and desire to protect her._

_Slowly, he stalked forward. I could feel the reverberations as the wolf's massive paws made contact with the ground. Edward and I looked up at his form that was now hovering over us, so close I could taste his scent on my tongue. He peered over our shoulders, and his eyes grew wide. I looked at Edward and saw the look of anger on his face, all the fears of a father coming to a head. That was when I knew._

_He had imprinted._

_Despite everything, it was not on me, as he had wished, and not on some unknown stranger from another Washington town, as I had. He had come back because some unknown force had called him back. Just like us, the pull had brought him _home_. His life, like all of our lives, was affected by the tiny unexpected girl behind us. Her existence changed Jacob Black for good._

_~*~_

Everything has come together now. We are all seated, waiting. Rosalie is playing a soft romantic piece on the piano. We are surrounded by multitudes of guests. They are all here with us—our family from the North, those friends like us that we met in all the years of our travelling, and our families. Charlie and Renee are here, though they look much different than the last time that we were all here like this together. Their bodies are aging in a way that I never imagined possible, their skin sagging and ashen. Though I understand the inevitability of it, it is hard for me to accept. But this is the way it is _supposed_ to be. For them.

With us, too, are those from the reservation. They are changed as well. They are no longer wolves, but simply husbands and fathers and friends. They are here to support the member that they lost, the one who they never thought they'd see again. Just as Sam said he would, he has finally found the understanding.

The new wolves are here as well, those who were guided by their predecessors to be our allies. They are excited and bright-eyed for the future, and their faces dance with the expectations of their youth, with a fervor for life and adventure. We are happy to have them join our strange family.

Every seat is taken, save two. Next to me is Edward's seat. Across the aisle from me, an empty seat waits, its intended guest never to sit there. Upon it is a tiny card that reads "Reserved" in silver script. It is left open as a sign of respect for the one family member that is no longer able to be with us here. I hope he is watching from somewhere, looking down on us and blessing us this day. I hope he knows that I never meant to hurt him. I hope he forgives me for pushing his son away.

The music swells and we rise. The mass of bodies that have come out today is appreciated, but today, I know of only four souls here, two pairs joined irrevocably.

They are all that truly exist for me.

Edward is leading Carlee up to the front. They look breathtaking together. Her hand is wrapped lovingly around his bicep, and I can tell by the way that the fabric of his suit jacket puckers that she is using him for support. He is looking at her with all his love and devotion, a gaze that he reserves only for her. It is one of pride and deep gratitude for all she's managed to unknowingly give us. We both have our looks—ways that he looks at only us. He is using hers on her now, and it is beautiful. But mine is the most beautiful of all.

I breathe shakily at the memory of the way he constantly looks at me. His eyes dart up to mine, and in his gaze I feel everything that this moment means for us both: We are giving away our daughter, we are resurrecting an old friendship, we are resolving past pain, and we are starting anew, all the things lingering between us, finally being laid to rest. That is when I see _my _look. It is the purest of love, absolute and honest. It is of the deepest desire, smoldering and hot and desperate. It is joyful and youthful, and makes promises for all the hopes that he has for us. It is unconditional. It is bottomless. It is _glorious_.

I hope that her new husband will have that kind of look for her.

Tonight, there will be only Edward and me. There will no longer be any doubt or insecurity. All the hurt will be washed away in a few short minutes. Tonight, _he and I_ will start anew.

He joins me again, once he has placed Carlee's hand in her beloveds. He reaches down and grasps my hand, lacing his fingers through mine and bringing it up to pepper it with tender kisses. His eyes never leave mine. I am lost in them.

Up at the altar, Carlisle speaks the words to them that will make her belong to him officially. But they are just words. The act began nearly five years ago on the one-oh-one towards Forks. I look into her eyes, and I know what she is feeling. It is the same feeling that I had so many years ago. She sees her life, all the choices and decisions, and she knows that they were the right ones to make, because they brought her to him. It was all worth it. I look to my side, up at the man that I stood with at the altar. I _know_ what she is feeling.

Today, as she makes her promise to him, she is happy. She can see their future stretching before them. Her eyes sparkle with the hope that she has, the promise of all good things. She will be blissful and loved and cared for. She will be happy for the rest of her life.

I know a time will come when we will face sadness and I try to repress the thought. Someday, she will age, and Edward and I will have to watch as the life that she is so anticipating now leaves her. Someday, we will sit beside her, our bodies perfect and unchanged, as we hold her tiny, wrinkled hand in ours. Someday, I'll watch the little girl that I held as a toddler pass away as an old woman. I wince, because this is nothing any mother should ever feel, the pain is so great. Edward squeezes my hand and kisses my temple.

Someday this will happen, because it is what she's _asked_ of us. This was the decision that_ she _made.

But I push the hurt aside now, partly because Edward is with me, comforting and loving me, and because I know that someday, I will also hold a tiny baby in my arms, the same warm tone as hers, and its soft heartbeat will reverberate through me and warm the depths of my soul. This is how _they_ will go on. They will go on through their love, generation after generation.

Jacob takes her in his arms, and kisses her. Their skin is the same soft tan that is smooth like velvet. Their bodies radiate heat so similarly, so unlike the rest of the family. Their hair is the same, ebony and straight, offsetting their warm eyes framed by long dark lashes and quiet features. Her hand fits perfectly in his. Their hearts beat at the same tempo, rushing the same saving liquid through their veins. Two separate people, but one entity, they are perfectly matched. Like two pieces of the same puzzle, they are finally joined.

After all the hugs and congratulations, we collect together outside. The moonlight and the glow from the thousands of tiny, flickering lights that Alice set up illuminate the area. Everyone is laughing and enjoying the untraditional company. I watch the scene, reminiscing about a different time entirely.

I feel something like relief when Edward pulls me towards him, wrapping his arms around me, containing me. It is a feeling that washes over me each time we touch, like I am only half-whole when we are apart. We don't speak, content in the way that we feel against each other. Words are not necessary between us most times. I trail my hand slowly up his arm, gently caressing his perfect skin, over his shoulder, and to the back of his neck. There, I twist my fingers in his hair, feeling the familiar way that the soft locks tickle between my fingers.

He is watching my face carefully. His eyes are burning with love and desire and desperation. I release his hair and run my fingertips over his cheekbone, marveling at the way that my skin feels against his. His cheeks are the same silvery purple as my fingertips. He lifts me a little and I press against him, felling the way that he molds into me, our bodies so acquainted with each other. I am made for him, and he for me. We sway together like that, our bodies pressed tightly, as the music drifts over us and trough the trees.

He leans down, pressing his lips to mine tenderly. Slowly, he intensifies the kiss, moving my lips gently, coaxing my mouth open, mingling our tongues sensually. I can taste him, the same delicious taste that I remember so faintly from my humanity. He is sweet and succulent. He is _Edward_.

His venom mixes with mine, washing over my teeth and making me hum. He pulls back and runs his nose along mine. I look up at him, and I feel my chest tighten at the knowledge that he is what I was always meant to have, the one that I was destined to be with. He is the only one who will ever make me feel this—who will only ever make me whole. He is the only one who I will ever need. With him, there is nothing I can't do. Without him, there is _nothing_.

Finally, the world is exactly as it was meant to be. The universe, in all its infinite knowledge and capabilities, has shown me the beauty that grows out of despair. Like a tiny shoot, growing quietly out of ruins, I have found my Eden in an unexpected place.

Everything has brought us to this point; every plan, every desire, every misguided attempt. We could never have anticipated it, but it is the way that it has always been aligned. It has brought us to where we are meant to be. We are blessed. We are infinite. We are one.

We are _home_.

.

.

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**End Notes:** Thank you again. I would love to hear what you think. This was the hardest thing for me to write. I absolutely agonized over the ending of BLP. Even as I began to write the epi, I had no idea what I wanted from it. For me, the story was complete when Bella and Edward ended up together, but I didn't want to leave poor Jacob broken. After several weeks, a completely crashed file that I paid way too much money to revive, and three rewrites, the Epilogue is one of my favorites. Please leave me a review and let me know what YOU thought of it.

Thanks again for sticking with me through all of this. I truly appreciate it all... Don't forget to vote if you are so inclined! I really love you all! Thanks!


	20. Thank You!

**No… Best Laid Plans **_**is **_**actually done, but… (PLEASE read this anyway) ;)**

I just wanted to post a quick note as a thank you to EVERYONE who voted for Best Laid Plans for the Indie Twific Awards. It has moved on into the final round in the "Best Love Triangle" category. Yay!

Voting for the final round began yesterday, 3/15, and goes until 3/24.

I love you from the bottom of my heart, and it means the world to me that you took time to do that for my little story.

Also:

Please head on over to my profile and add "Part of the Plans" to your alerts if you have not done so. Upon some nudging from those who will remain nameless, I've decided to do a few outtakes for you. Honestly, I was pretty exhausted after finishing the epilogue (Darn flash drive corruptions) that I wanted to let it go for a while…_**but**_…after a little bit of arm twisting, I suppose I can give you some outtakes. If there are any that you are dying to get from BLP, let me know. I'd be happy to try to work on those. No promises, though…I can't imagine how many more outtakes I'd have to write if I promised to do everyone's suggestions. I'll likely take the top 2 or 3 suggested, and work on those. I have a couple of my own in mind too. We'll see.

I can't guarantee when they will be up—knee deep in Entwined, after all—but at least then you'll know when they are if you add the Outtakes to your alerts. You can find that under my stories in my profile.

Oh, and if you haven't checked out Entwined, please do. I'm having a TON of fun writing it. Edward's perspective is so interesting to write from! Vampy, moody, all-around sweet and charming. Oh, and NO Jacob love triangle. I promise: Bella won't even consider it in this one! =)

**Thank you everyone, again.** I am forever grateful for all the love and support! You guys are the reason Best Laid Plans was what it was. I could have never done it without you!


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